A failed attempt to fix things by ending it but I love her. I know it

[wainwold]

I've been dating her for 2-3 months. Completely fell head over heels with her the 3 day I saw her. We met and instantly were inseperable even though we weren't together. I asked her out within a week and a half but I didn't know what she wanted after a while. She was being shady and wasn't giving me the full truth. We rushed things and she suddenly wanted to slow it down which I completely agree with but she went to being like friends. She wouldn't tell me what she wanted and I just needed to find a way to get it outta her so my friend suggested breaking up with her till she figure out what she wants but I should have just gone on a break. I need to get her back asap before I fully loose her. I can't. She has my heart and I really don't want it back. Its her's and I need her to know that. How do I fix things? This is along the lines of what I said:

 

Mimi,

I love you. I have since I first saw you. It took me 2 days to realize that you were worth changing for. Spending two days in your room took my mind off everything, the good and the bad. Your smile set my heart on fire and it won’t stop burning for you. But the reasons for my actions…I can’t find another option left.

Why I didn’t do something sooner, I can’t explain. If you want this, you need to say so because your actions say otherwise. So for now, think of what you want, not for me, but for you.

I’m not trying to offend you but you explained to me once what you and Gio had. It’s not what I would call an actual relationship. It’s more of you two being together. You guys adored each other and hooked up and all but you both didn’t care about things. You’re supposed to care Mimi. It’s what comes when you like someone.

Nihja told me about the flight to Florida and how Justin was texting you. He still had feelings for you and couldn’t hold them back and you still saw him and let him come over. I was oblivious to all of this until after the trip. You never told me he made a move on you until I asked and probably wouldn’t have told me unless I asked. Knowing that he still cared about you, of course he was going to be upset if he saw you with me. Also, leaving me at Ivy? Its one thing if you said you were going to go here and then said bye, but you just left and didn’t think anything of it. And then the whole time you texted me saying you didn’t know where you were but the next day you knew that you were at Cleaveland and where ever and I didn’t care that you went to J-3 but then I found out that you danced with Marty. Can you not get mad if you saw me dancing with Ariana? If not, I don’t know where your heads at because it would and did bothered the hell out of me.

I told you this week that I was getting sick and I understand if you were just like, “Ok, it’s just him getting sick.” But I told you I was throwing up, couldn’t eat and couldn’t sleep; and then I also told you about my grandfather and my school situation. You responded with, “You do what you need to do.” It was never, “Are you ok?” or “Is there anything I can do?” I don’t really care; it’s just helping me put pieces together to show that you’re not fully in this.

Figure out what you want. I know what I want. I care about you and the things you do. If you don’t about mine then you have a wall up that’s enabling you to not care but I can’t do it because I love you.

We rushed things. I can agree with that. The whole marriage bit, children and all were fast. I absolutely agree with that. But how we act now? Granted you’re busy. I’ll give you that. You’ve had a stressful week or two weeks as well. We don’t have to sleep together every night. You don’t always have to go out with me on weekends and vice versa. But we’re a couple. We’re supposed to do things together and lately, we haven’t been doing anything together, for the past two weeks in fact.

You’ve changed. The way you used to light up when you looked at me isn’t there anymore. The way you called me, “baby baby.” The way you used to kiss me or not let it go if I didn’t kiss you. How we act now, besides the hand holding or kissing is like we’re friends with benefits, or “together.” Maybe that’s what you want, but you need to figure it out. I’m done overwhelming you. I’m sorry for doing that and smothering you. But it is possible to do cute things for each other, or call just to see how you are. Remember when we used to text each other from across the room and we both couldn’t help but light up? Or when you ran into my arms when I didn’t see you for all of Spring Break? I miss it all. I miss lying in bed with you and just sitting there and talking. I miss so much of what we had that we don’t have anymore. We don’t have to be together 24-7. I’m not asking for that. But I am asking for a girlfriend because that’s what you signed up for when I asked you out. It wasn’t so we could be together, kiss, hold hands and chill. It was because I saw no other option. I didn’t just want to kiss you or hold your hand. I wanted to be yours and only yours.

So do what you need and figure out what you want. If it’s not me, that’s fine. I just have to get used to it, but for now I can’t keep holding this in.

I once told you, “You have my heart.” I wasn’t kidding. I’m not breaking up with you because I don’t care about you or don’t want to be with you. I’m doing it because I can’t do what we’re doing now and you leave so much out. You told me not to lie to you. I haven’t, and if I did, I told you or you called me out on it. You not telling me about Justin or dancing with Marty or whatever else; leaving half the truth out…. It’s a lie in itself. I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes. But if you want me, you have to stop hiding stuff. You have to stop leaving stuff out because I told you, at the end of the day, I would always be there. If you catch me on a mistake, I told you to call me out on it. I should have done the same a while ago. I hope you don’t think I’m asking a lot out of you. I just need you to figure out what you want.