Struggles of having a boyfriend in in the military overseas...

[VKS]

My boyfriend has been deployed to Iraq for a year. He's been gone about two months, and it's been extremely hard for me. Before he left, we lived separately. He lived about 30 minutes away from me and would see each other frequently. Then, right before he left, I ended up moving about 2 hours away for a first year teaching position. So, while I am extremely busy with the demands of my job, I am very much alone. I don't know any people out here aside from my co-workers. My friends and family are all hours away and busy with their lives. I work alot, but it's very isolating.

 

I get to talk to my boyfriend pretty much every night after I get off work. He is on the nightshift where he is, so when he's getting off work, I'm at home getting ready to go to bed. That gives us some time to talk. We usually have really great conversations. He truly is the love of my life. We've been best friends going on 7 years. We've been officially dating for a year and a half. But last night we were out of rhythm. That happens sometimes when we're tired. So when half way through the conversation he says, "Oh, there's rumor I might be moving to day shift," just nonchalantly, I got kind of upset. I said, "dayshift? that would mean we can't talk. Our schedules would be completely opposite." And he was just like, "we'd figure out something, we always do." And I got more upset. I had the feeling that maybe it was something he had volunteered to do. There was a girl on the dayshift who needed replacing or something. I didn't understand the whole reasoning. But he just seemed so fine with it. And we have gotten into a great routine of communicating-- which is so important. And it just upset me that he wasn't realizing that that would mean we would barely be able to talk and that that didn't seem to matter to him. He's got 8 months left to go on this contract. I realize, if he has to he has to. But I wanted him to have more of a reaction and realization as to what that would mean for us.

 

So then I let it go. He could tell I was troubled and was asking if I was okay. I said, "I love you too much". Because it's true, I feel love for him all day everyday. I miss him all day, everyday. And he said, "Well you may love me more all the time, but there are moments when I love you so much I know there is no way you could love me more than I love you." He compared it to baseball... like I'm the guy who goes for base hits everytime I'm up to bat.... he's the guy who goes for grandslams every now and then. And for some reason that upset me even more. The idea that he knows and accepts that I love him more all the time. He knows he doesn't love me like that all the time. He said just because he's not hitting homeruns every day doesn't mean he doesn't always love me. And so I'm crying by that point. He thought I was crying because I was emotional about what he's saying in a good way, but truth is he was hurting me. I didn't want to tell him and create more of a problem, so we said goodnight after that.

 

He's doing really well out there. And I'm happy for him. I'm just so aware everyday of how alone I am. And that is hard for me. There are places and moments where he should be, and he's not. So that makes me miss him and want to tell him how much I love him because he's that important in my life. But I'm thinking maybe I should stop. He doesn't need me the way I need him. And I'm not sure if that is a good or bad sign...

[skydiveaddict]

You are being too hard on yourself.. I think your bf misses you more than you know. You're really lucky to be able to talk to him every night. That's huge. When I was there we didn't have that opportunity. I think you are just anxious 'cause he's apart from you. Hang in there everything will work out

[Els]

If I were you, I would actually ask him how the change to day shift came about. That may at least ease your worries about him having volunteered - sometimes it's easier when you know that it couldn't have been avoided.

[USMCHokie]

You are being too hard on yourself.. I think your bf misses you more than you know. You're really lucky to be able to talk to him every night. That's huge. When I was there we didn't have that opportunity. I think you are just anxious 'cause he's apart from you. Hang in there everything will work out

 

 

^ This. It takes a special kind of person to be with a service member...and yes, it sucks sometimes...well, a lot of times...just be as supportive as you can and he'll do the same...like skydive says, hang in there...

[VKS]

Thank you all. It helps to get some perspective. It's so easy to just feel very isolated and alone in this whole process. He was the one I would normally turn to with my problems to help me figure them out.

 

But now that there is this distance, it kind of makes him part of the problem. Since I don't want to stress him out with my emotions in my battle to deal with it, it is then easy to sort of get overwhelmed and lose sight of the fact that we are really lucky in many ways and are great together despite the obstacles we face. I seek that validation from him that we're still okay instead of just trusting him and relying on the bond we've built together.

[Romance]

I'm sorry, I understand the whole missing him all day everyday thing. its so hard.

 

 

but he's in the military, he can't whine and say 'noooo i want nightshift!' he must do what he is told you know? i think thats why he is telling you you'll make it work, because he has to.

 

he sounds like he cares for you a lot.

[VKS]

Romance-- You're right. He is the kind of person who makes the best out of every situation. He doesn't complain or anything. He adapts... which is something I admire about him and love him for. He is such a rock. I'm not so easy going. I am very sensitive and I worry alot about things out of my control. It's not a good way to be, I know, and even though I know this about myself, it's hard to change that about myself. But I'm working toward it. And I should give him more credit. But this situation is quite unique-- and very difficult, and we have no precedence to go off of. I love him and miss him to the point of pain. It's just exacerbated by the fact that I am alone here in a new city, in my first year of teaching without mentorship (which any teacher will tell you is madness in and of itself), and having to cope with all these firsts and new struggles that come up all on my own. I miss my best friend. I do want him to be well. I am so grateful he is doing well. But at the same time, it's difficult knowing that this is so easy for him when I'm having such a hard time. It's making me look like the crazy one and I don't think I am being crazy. Anyone in my position would have these struggles. I just have to find a way to get a handle on all of it, but I kind of feel like everything has been scattered to the four winds and I'm racing about frantically trying to gather it all together... I'm trying to be strong for him. That is my goal and I will work toward that.

[skydiveaddict]

But at the same time, it's difficult knowing that this is so easy for him when I'm having such a hard time. .

 

 

Believe me ,it is NOT easy for him either

[bananarama1]

he cant love you the way you want him to, but it doesnt mean he doesnt love you any less

 

my bf told me that its hard to get dumped while being deployed..i mean..its hard enough as it is ..he used to be in the marines.

 

so hang on there .. u can do it just dont overthink.