Should money be a factor in a relationship?

[chincha]

I've never been married and have no children, but want them some day. I've been dating someone for the past two years who is a widower with three children ages 10,14 and 16, all who live with him.

 

During our relationship, I've seen him struggle with his finances and understand his reponsibilities. We both love each other, but I'm now wondering is love enough?

 

He says he wants to start a family with me but i wonder how he can afford this if he can't handle his current children. I don't want to struggle and don't want my future children to not have the things I always wanted for them. I also don't want to add any stress to our relationship. He says love conquers all, but I disagree.

 

I also disagree with the values he instilled in his children and feel they were never taught how to be repsonsible. They are wild in the house and break things all the time and are never help accountable for it. If we stay together, they would all move in my house since it big enough and I think about my house being destroyed.

 

I know this sounds harsh but I'm just trying to prevent future arguments with him and I'm also thinking about the childrens best interest.

 

Am I thinking too much about the future?

 

Do you think he would be better off dating a parent who understands children and maybe doesnt want more?

 

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you

[Rorschach]

I work as a financial advisor, I sit down with hundreds and hudreds of families sorting out their finances and seeing where they screwed up (and yes, they all screw up somewhere), and the bottom line is money causes HUGE stress issues. Money can't buy happiness but it damn well can reduce unhappiness.

 

If you're already looking and seeing money troubles chances are that there is alot more going on under the surface that you can't see.

 

But of course thats all meaningless because from the way you describe his children I'd already be running in the other direction as fast as I can, I hate kids like that and the only person you can blame is the parents.

[ADF]

You're right, he's wrong. As much as people wish it weren't true, money matters in relationships. Most marriages that fail do so under economic stress. If he cares about his own well-being, about yours, and about the well-being of his children, he will have to make some changes in how he handles money. The idea that "love conquers all" is just childish.

[Fouts]

IMO, there's always exceptions, but without question someone with children is better off finding someone else with children, or who has had children. It takes a parent to understand one.

 

I think the questions you're asking yourself are very fair. If you go into it, go into it with wide open eyes and no false expectations.

[RobM]

I also disagree with the values he instilled in his children and feel they were never taught how to be repsonsible. They are wild in the house and break things all the time and are never help accountable for it. If we stay together, they would all move in my house since it big enough and I think about my house being destroyed.

 

This to me is gonna be your biggest problem, maybe the deal breaker. From my experience there is no way to resolve this that will make both of you happy.

[ReadyforLove]

I don't agree with the saying "love conquers all" because sometimes, love simply is not enough. I understand your concerns about him being able to financially support an additional child since he is already having troubles supporting the three that he has. I'm not sure of the backstory and maybe the death of his wife cause some financial strains. If you really care about him, are you willing to give him awhile to see if he can get back on his feet financially?

[xRJ85x]

I don't agree with the saying "love conquers all" because sometimes, love simply is not enough.

 

Well...technically it is. If you have two people who love each other and have no problem starving to death on the street, then so be it. But obviously, there's no one out there who wants it.

[IronMaiden]

All of these concerns will become even much larger than they are at this point in your relationship, and will become a major bone of contention because they represent diametrically opposed ways of looking at the money and childrearing issues.

 

Frankly, I would run from a guy like this...

[EasyHeart]

You have TWO huge issues. The No. 1 cause of arguments in marriages is money, so the fact that you're already seeing it as an issue is HUGE. I'd be even more concerned with the behavior of the kids. Having shared values, especially on how to raise kids, is extremely important.

 

Whenever I date a woman, I'm thinking about what kind of mother she'd be. I think that is extremely important in selecting a partner.

[Art_Critic]

He says he wants to start a family with me but i wonder how he can afford this if he can't handle his current children. I don't want to struggle and don't want my future children to not have the things I always wanted for them. I also don't want to add any stress to our relationship. He says love conquers all, but I disagree.

 

I also disagree with the values he instilled in his children and feel they were never taught how to be repsonsible. They are wild in the house and break things all the time and are never help accountable for it. If we stay together, they would all move in my house since it big enough and I think about my house being destroyed.

 

Boy.. you sound really sweet...

 

You haven't even mentioned that you would both be a team in your financial happiness..

All you have mentioned is him and how he can't afford you and a kid.... and your house being wrecked.....damn kids

 

Cut this guy loose.. he deserves better than this..

He is raising 3 kids 100% on his own and in a relationship with you where he said he would love to have another kid with you..

That is a wonderful thing for that man to offer..

 

Most guys would tell you no more kids...

 

I do think along the lines of the others too that money and this bridge your are about to cross is huge and honestly it sounds like a deal breaker to you..

 

I understand you have your own value system but it seems he puts family first and you put money first..

While I don't think there is anything wrong with how you feel but I also think your man is an incredible man and you will never see it...

 

Sorry.. Dig deep into your heart about if this is really a deal breaker or not.. if it is then cut the guy loose.

Edited April 26, 2010 by Art_Critic

[chincha]

thank you very much for all your responses, they were helpful

 

i want to give a bit more about the situation to see if your opinions will change.

 

his financial issues are just everyday bills, nothing owed from the past or anything of that nature. in the past, he's chosen to spend his money on things he didn't need or couldn't afford instead of paying utility bills, etc. he also put his social life before his children. all this being said, i feel his actions were due to having kids at a young age and never really being taught how to be a parent. in addition to that, the mother of the children always did everything and there wasn't a collaboration or a great relationship between them.

 

i didn't realize all these things until i moved in with him temporarily while my home was being renovated. during this time, i started to see the things mentioned above as well as other things. i tried to help him with the everyday stress of raising a family and made the mistake of taking control of just about everything in the house. i spent a lot of money sharing his financial responsibilites and got to see just how much money is involved in raising a family. all my money was going to half of bills that weren't even mine such as half of the grocery bills (3 boys) half of the utility bills, etc...day after day i began to resent him for his actions and not holding the kids responsible for mistakes all kids make. i didn't mean to make the kids seem so wild. they are actually very nice children who just don't know any better.

 

now, in saying all this, he has made many, many changes for the better over the past few months and has realized everything mentioned above and wants to change. i believe him too, but at this point, i'm not sure he will change enough and almost feel scarred from everything that has happened in the past. i think about all the money we both put into the house and wonder how in the world we could do it with more kids.

 

i know i wrote a lot but i wanted to be more specific. thanks again

[and.then.some]

I've never been married and have no children, but want them some day. I've been dating someone for the past two years who is a widower with three children ages 10,14 and 16, all who live with him.

 

During our relationship, I've seen him struggle with his finances and understand his reponsibilities. We both love each other, but I'm now wondering is love enough?

 

He says he wants to start a family with me but i wonder how he can afford this if he can't handle his current children. I don't want to struggle and don't want my future children to not have the things I always wanted for them. I also don't want to add any stress to our relationship. He says love conquers all, but I disagree.

 

I also disagree with the values he instilled in his children and feel they were never taught how to be repsonsible. They are wild in the house and break things all the time and are never help accountable for it. If we stay together, they would all move in my house since it big enough and I think about my house being destroyed.

 

I know this sounds harsh but I'm just trying to prevent future arguments with him and I'm also thinking about the childrens best interest.

 

Am I thinking too much about the future?

 

Do you think he would be better off dating a parent who understands children and maybe doesnt want more?

 

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you

 

I honestly think you're thinking just enough. Parenthood isn't something you can really understand until you're in the middle of it. We can plan as much as we'd like how perfect we will be in parenthood. Yet, it doesn't always turn out that way.

 

If you don't feel that he has the same values as you do when it comes to parenting, I think this is a good thing to give you pause. To me, it sounds like you feel it's all wrong in your gut, and the gut is usually right. Love can conquer all, imo. But, even if we go into parenthood with everything perfectly placed, that doesn't mean things will stay that way.

 

Life is short, and we only have this one life to live. We can plan to meet TV perfect prince charming, but he may never show up. I say live it up while you can. However, if you're having doubts already, it doesn't sound like a situation you should dive head first into. Once you get married and have a baby, your perspective isn't likely to magically change.

 

To stay with a struggling man, what would make you feel more secure? Money in the bank? Financial plans for the future? See what it would take for this to work for YOU. A feasible plan (or changes) that would put your mind at ease. If there isn't one, then I think you have your answer.

[carhill]

Yes, I think financial and parenting values are relevant in relationships and, in the past, have discontinued dating single mothers whom had a perspective and circumstance similar to the man in this story. In today's society, with workplace and parenting equality, gender should not be an issue, rather compatible values and philosophies in the relevant areas.

 

I would suggest moving on to a more compatible partner, in your case someone with similar financial values and goals and parenting philosophies and practices. Be aware people change and nothing in life is guaranteed except death. Good luck.

[Eeyore79]

A couple of years ago I dated a guy in a similar situation. He had three kids, I have never been married and have no kids, and I want some of my own. I worried how he could afford more kids with me when he couldn't even afford the ones he already has. I didn't want my future kids to struggle or do without because their father had to support three other kids.

 

I struggled over what to do for a long time, and in the end I decided to break off the relationship. It was tough, because I really did have feelings for him - the problem was that I only had feelings for him as an individual, I didn't have feelings for his kids, and of course they come as a package. He genuinely loved me and was hurt, but it was for the best because I would never get what I wanted out of a relationship with him, and he deserved a partner who would be happy and would love his kids.

 

I'm glad I broke it off, because I'm now dating a guy who has never been married and has no kids, so if the relationship works out he can afford to marry me and have a family. I feel much happier dating this kind of guy than I ever felt when I was dating the guy with three kids. I think perhaps it was partly the fear of not finding someone else in time to have kids (I'm in my 30s) that was keeping me with that guy, but breaking up was the right decision for me.

[phineas]

Op, if he moves into your house & you share expenses how could the two of you not be able to afford an extra child?

 

His rent/mortgage has to be a pretty big chuck of change being free'd up right?

 

But, if you don't think you can accept his kids as your own & treat them as good as the child you have between the two of you then it won't work out.

[EasyHeart]

Yes, I think financial and parenting values are relevant in relationships and, in the past, have discontinued dating single mothers whom had a perspective and circumstance similar to the man in this story. In today's society, with workplace and parenting equality, gender should not be an issue, rather compatible values and philosophies in the relevant areas.

Same here.

 

Anytime you're dating (and considering marrying) someone with kids, it's a package deal. If you aren't gladly eager to accept the children and all that comes with them, including money issues, ex issues, time issues, parenting skills issues - then you are setting yourself up for major disappointment and stress.

 

He doesn't sound like a bad guy, and it's obvious you have feelings for him. But there are lots of great guys out there who are not the right partner for you. Maybe he can change (although making more money and learning how to parent are awfully big changes), but take some time and read threads on this board about women who were dating 'fixer uppers' who they were trying to change into a good partner for them, and see how those stories turned out. (Hint: Not good).

[Eeyore79]

Tbh it sounds like you love him but not his kids. You distinguish between your future kids and the kids he has already, but if you really loved him, all of the kids would be "our kids". You sound resentful of the money his kids would take away from the future kids you would have together. I'm not judging you; I felt that way about my ex's kids.

 

It seems to me like you might be happier in the long run if you did what I did - break up with the guy and look for someone with no kids. At the time I found it really tough, but with hindsight it was the right decision, because I'm much happier now that there are no kids involved in my new relationship.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Money is always a factor in a relationship! a woman will not date a man who isnt financially stable.

 

Or she wont be with a man who cant financially provide for her, which makes her look like a golddigger because I myself as a man does not rely upon a woman to be financially dependant on. For all this talk of independant woman it's all bullsh**.

[phineas]

Money is always a factor in a relationship! a woman will not date a man who isnt financially stable.

 

Or she wont be with a man who cant financially provide for her, which makes her look like a golddigger because I myself as a man does not rely upon a woman to be financially dependant on. For all this talk of independant woman it's all bullsh**.

 

I get the strong feeling of "his money is our money & my money is my money"

 

I won't live with someone like that again.

I make enough money to pay the bills, keep food on the table, keep clothes on the kids back, & pay child support.

 

There is not much left over after that though.

 

any woman who comes along better have a good job because I am not interested in adding another dependant to my household down the road.

 

I'd much rather prefer to struggle financially alone than with a live-in GF.

[carhill]

Money is always a factor in a relationship! a woman will not date a man who isnt financially stable.

 

I've been working on a rehab project with a thrice-divorced, medicated bi-polar guy who is actually living in the project because he has no home and no money to rent one. He has a girlfriend who's a nurse who drives six hours every weekend to see him. I can name other examples. The commonality is that, generally, these types of men are charismatic and appeal to the subset of the female population who enjoy 'fixing' men with 'potential', much as I was attracted to 'rescuing' down and out women in the distant past. Given equality (in the example, the nurse makes really good money), money apparently isn't a factor for her like it is for the OP, nor are his other 'issues'.

 

Interesting stuff, relationships are

 

Generally, though, and my life experience bears it out, I would agree with you. IMO, part of the reason women won't date separated and recently divorced men is due to the perception of financial instability. I can type this whilst overlooking the wonderful Pacific Ocean and still know that *perception* is what drives attraction, not reality. Accepted

[DustySaltus]

I get the strong feeling of "his money is our money & my money is my money"

 

 

Agree 100%. And if you try to address it you come off looking like a cheap bastard....

[carhill]

Address it, accept being a 'cheap bastard' and kick this incompatible person to the curb. A true partnership isn't about what is 'mine', so that woman does not have true partnership potential. Accepted

[phineas]

Generally, though, and my life experience bears it out, I would agree with you. IMO, part of the reason women won't date separated and recently divorced men is due to the perception of financial instability. I can type this whilst overlooking the wonderful Pacific Ocean and still know that *perception* is what drives attraction, not reality. Accepted

 

This perception would be spot on for me.

However, my house has been 90% renovated.

Oak & Poplar trim.

Hardwood & tile floors.

 

This spring i'm putting in a fence & deck.

Probably finish off a section of the basement for a play room in the fall.

 

It just needs womans touch. To get rid of the last woman's touch. LOL!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Alot of women call me cheap bastard, it's funny. I kind of want an equal partner and dont want a woman who is a golddigger.

 

Or a woman who is out for herself, take, take, take but does not give anything but crumbs.

 

If it aint equal i dont want it. When we go out, if we go out, you dont even offer to pay, anything? WTF, why would any sane man wants a woman who only sucks up his money?

[carhill]

A compatible lady will accept the generosity of a gentleman and show her appreciation for his attention and generosity in ways which are meaningful and valuable to him. That might include 'pitching in'; it might include thoughtful small gifts; it might include sincere interest in and attention to his life. In any event, it will create a dynamic where it is a pleasure to show such generosity and at a level which is comfortable and appropriate for the man's circumstances. If other, incompatible