cdt76 Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I recently had an epiphony regarding why it takes us so long to cope with the devastation in our lives caused by separating from ones we love. The fact is, either through cheating, giving up, arguing, hateful words, silence or whatever it may have been that caused the break up, we got and felt hurt. We as people are taught to say I'm sorry when we hurt someone and with that apology comes a discussion about forgiveness and feelings and then forgiveness usually ensues. In the case of our break ups, we get hurt but no apology ensues. We are left with anger and bitterness that someone can hurt us and not care. We are left with questions of how could another person do that to us? Why would they love us only to hurt us? In the end, we much deal with the fact that someone we love did hurt us badly and they have not and will not ask for forgiveness and they will not say they are sorry. We must find closure without that.
scienceguy Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 (edited) If I understand you correctly, then I don't think what you're saying is correct. I think all of us go through all sorts of bad breakups--not just romantic ones. Sometimes a friend can turn out to be a jerk or a family memember violates your trust, but the pain of that loss rarely, in my experience at least, lasts that much or affects me that badly. If we follow your line of reasoning, then we oughta ask the next question: Why does the lack of apology/closure matter so much? To be honest, I don't think any amount of apologies or closures will help with deal with that pain. The simple reality is that I think the pain hurts so much because you never got an opportunity to say goodbye to the relationship on your own terms. (I know this sounds like another definition of closure but it isn't.) One way to see this is to take a simple scenario where the relationship is normal in all respects (no cheating, no hate, nothing) but the girl (or guy) simply has outgrown it. When she ends it, the guy, would probably be very heartbroken. And you'll probably see him here on loveshack wailing about his lost love and how it hurts so much. Now if you really think about it, I think it's important to look at it from the girl's perpsective. What I mean is that if she's gonna break up with somebody, she won't gonna do it right away. She'll want to weigh out the decision to see if it is the right one. Then, if she'll double and triple check it. She will then gradually remove herself from it. She'll stop being physically intimate with him, or be intimate but far less often. She'll think about all the special stuff that have and push it away, stripping away all "special" qualities is may have had in the past. She'll look to the future and know that her decision will mean that she will wake up without him. And you know what? She'll do all these things on her own time and never say a word to him about it! After all of that, THEN she will end it. At this point, he's dead weight to her, and heck, she probably has her eye on that cute guy at work... You get the picture. That's a big big transformation people go through when they end a relationship. It's the reason the ex comes across as so cold and indifferent; they've been preparing for it for months already. For the other person, however, they get no warning whatsoever. So they're left with all those feelings, attachments and a view of the future that simply don't exist anymore. And if that relationship means something, then it can take a really long time to deal with that type of loss, sometimes more than a year. Ideally, people ought to communicate their feelings to one another so that the other person gets an opportunity to think about the future as well but that rarely happens. I think break ups are tough for those types of reasons: the fact that we can't end our relationships on our terms. It's tough to deal with all those feelings just being there, months and months after it's over. Worse yet, those feelings will turn against you and ruin you for a long time as well. Tough hand to be dealt with. Edited April 25, 2010 by scienceguy
Lishy Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Science guy ... You are 100% correct!!!!! THAT is why we dont cope too well, the other party checked out emotionally WAY before they informed us! I only really got over my ex when he was begging me back and saying everthing I wanted to hear, it was only THEN that I could get closure and walk away and not look back, only THEN i stopped dreaming about him and getting angry with him. He has no affect on my life anymore and to this day he still texts me at least once a week and I have been ignoring it totally for months. Its all about the loss of control
Always A Lesson Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I agree cdt, They ripped our hearts out ..........and didn't even bother saying ..... "I'M SORRY" We have to look real deep down within and find our own closure, in order to move on, we have no choice...... For me it was a little different, I kept asking everyone the same questions over and over changing the questions..... backward forward , upside down....backside up.....thinking I'd get an answer I accepted as truth., and I could move on with. In the end.... I looked within and found all my answers..... My closure soon followed.
Always A Lesson Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 CDt, your pov was on , but after I read scienceguy's pov, he really nailed it too!... It's so cruel to check out emotionally then drop the bomb without warning. Still must say, look within for closure. you have no choice. Lishy, yur right too, that control factor.....
Author cdt76 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 Scienceguy you actually proved my point. How they ended it is irrelevant. The mere fact that it ended without our input or without the necessary discussion to accept what happened causes us severe pain. Most often we only end up with lies and excuses that are only shades of the truth. This further clouds the situation and causes pain. Many of us are able to overcome the pain through mere experience or strong will. Others like myself must learn from scratch how to heal. It is extremely difficult to forgive someone for leaving us if they never ask for it, if they never apologize or recognize their fault in the situation. We must reconcile in our minds and hearts that we are hurt, that we hurt for a reason and that the other party is not going to provide us anything in the way of validation of our feelings. We must survive on our own, with the will power to want to get better. Just my thoughts anyway.
lisal0u Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I had a sorry, "I'm so so sorry"! But it doesn't make any difference! He wasn't sorry otherwise he wouldn't have done it! I've realised there is no such thing as closure because they will not be honest, will just say things to keep the peace and to make themselves feel less guilty! Time is the only thing that helps! I wish it would hurry up! I'm 2.5 months in after being dumped after 14 years! I feel better then I did but I am far from ok! I wish life had a fast forward button! X
McGrupp Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 If we follow your line of reasoning, then we oughta ask the next question: Why does the lack of apology/closure matter so much? To be honest, I don't think any amount of apologies or closures will help with deal with that pain. The simple reality is that I think the pain hurts so much because you never got an opportunity to say goodbye to the relationship on your own terms. (I know this sounds like another definition of closure but it isn't.) One way to see this is to take a simple scenario where the relationship is normal in all respects (no cheating, no hate, nothing) but the girl (or guy) simply has outgrown it. When she ends it, the guy, would probably be very heartbroken. And you'll probably see him here on loveshack wailing about his lost love and how it hurts so much. Now if you really think about it, I think it's important to look at it from the girl's perpsective. What I mean is that if she's gonna break up with somebody, she won't gonna do it right away. She'll want to weigh out the decision to see if it is the right one. Then, if she'll double and triple check it. She will then gradually remove herself from it. She'll stop being physically intimate with him, or be intimate but far less often. She'll think about all the special stuff that have and push it away, stripping away all "special" qualities is may have had in the past. She'll look to the future and know that her decision will mean that she will wake up without him. And you know what? She'll do all these things on her own time and never say a word to him about it! After all of that, THEN she will end it. At this point, he's dead weight to her, and heck, she probably has her eye on that cute guy at work... my story exactly. nicely done
Full Moon Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 My ex contacted me months post-break up apologizing for how he treated me during our split and asking for my forgiveness. I felt he was sincere and the apology actually helped me get pass that anger stage I was in. However, I still had much healing to do after his apology and I'm still working on forgiving him. So an apology doesn't just automatically give you closure, IMHO.
freckles3131 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Scienceguy, Wow. I feel like you just wrote my story to a "T" Just got dumped 5 days ago. Blindsided. Wow. Just like you wrote. Feeling a bit better knowing it's happened to others. Thanks all.
You Go Girl Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Because one person was done with the relationship, and the other person wasn't. Plain and simple. The one who isn't done with the relationship--has just had their favorite person taken away from them, and taken away by that very same favorite person too! There is no winning. That's a bitter pill to swallow. We naturally and competitively try to find a way to get what we want, and we can't have it. What we have so much trouble with is--DEFEAT.
scienceguy Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Scienceguy you actually proved my point. How they ended it is irrelevant. The mere fact that it ended without our input or without the necessary discussion to accept what happened causes us severe pain. Most often we only end up with lies and excuses that are only shades of the truth. This further clouds the situation and causes pain. Many of us are able to overcome the pain through mere experience or strong will. Others like myself must learn from scratch how to heal. It is extremely difficult to forgive someone for leaving us if they never ask for it, if they never apologize or recognize their fault in the situation. We must reconcile in our minds and hearts that we are hurt, that we hurt for a reason and that the other party is not going to provide us anything in the way of validation of our feelings. We must survive on our own, with the will power to want to get better. Just my thoughts anyway. Fair enough. I'm not sure how my comments reinforced your epiphany point, but it seems like a small point to haggle over. I was just trying to say that I think that break ups are tough for the dumped because you never get a chance to process the break up or deal with your feelings before the relationship actually ends. Those feelings, which now feel like some parasite, are still there, but they become polluted with anger, hurt and pain.
Sari Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 For me it's about control I think. I'm a total total control freak, feel really uncomfortable letting other people take charge, always want to pick the restaurant/holiday/film, always jealous and paranoid when my ex went out and wanting to know where he was, what time he'll be home, never trusting people at work to be able to do simple tasks. Now my ex has taken the control away from me completely in our relationship by finishing it. It's taken me 12 days, endless panic attacks and a couple of misjudged phone calls of me begging and pleading to get to the stage I currently find myself in this afternoon - exhausted acceptance. I accept that I cannot fight this. I accept that I cannot control this. I accept that us being together is not my decision to make. I accept that I cannot call him and wheedle and cajole and cry and scream to make him come round to my way of thinking. I accept that I cannot control him. I feel incredibly sad and bereft, but for the first time in days, I don't feel like things are spiralling away from me and I'm losing my grip. Because the grip is lost already, and now I can only try to heal.
Ilovecake Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) If you go through life waiting for everyone who you believe has hurt you to apologize you will be one unhappy and disappointed individual. First of all people are autonomous so it’s not possible for them to be intuitive to what you are feeling, therefore they can not act accordingly with what your expectations of them are. Secondly I don’t think everyone takes a long time to get over a breakup, it’s all subjective. If you put everything you have into the relationship and count on other people (in this case your ex) to complete you and create your happiness for you, well then you will get very hurt when that ends and probably have an extremely hard time letting it go. On the other hand if you are a confident person and happy with who you are outside of the relationship you will have a much easier time of it because you’re not dependent on someone else. My ex apologized and explained a million times, it never made a lick of difference how I felt about our breakup. Edited May 21, 2010 by Ilovecake
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