I really miss him... me :(

[fly_b]

I really feel disappointed and broken down …I really need help or somebody who understands me...so please please read the full text

 

 

 

 

 

well, my story might be a bit long, and i appreciate the patience of the people who are reading it and sharing their opinion with me …

Well… let me start from 6 years ago, when i didn’t even know him, it was the first time i was ever meeting him, I was only 17. that guy was a kind of big shot in my country, ( I live some where in Asia) and i had seen him before in TV and some papers and I always assumed him as a snob spoiled person and I didn’t like him at all. i could never imagine someday he’ll be one of my friends.

 

 

when I met him I was with a friend whose father was something like an agent. we had a chance to meet Mr.x ( the guy) in person and had a brief chat with him, and you can’t imagine how much i was impressed with him. He was proud and classy, one of those people who put a wall between themselves and the other people, but something in him seemed different, I had no idea what it was, but it was strong enough to make me have second thoughts about him…

 

 

 

Anyway, I still didn’t like him that much.but, when I got another chance to meet him few weeks later ,within few days I felt something I had never felt before. At first, it seemed so crazy cause i didn’t even know him well. you may call it a stupid feeling or if you believe in this, you can assume it as love at first(second?) sight. I didn’t know what happened exactly, but as soon as i could figure it out, it was just me and one more wish : I wanted to see him again..

 

 

since i was just a school girl, nobody noticed me at all. everyone would have assume it as a teenage fancy, so i didn’t tell anybody about it but one or two of my close friends. all I knew was that there was actually no way to meet this guy again and get closer to him unless i work hard and try to be someone special. So, I studied so hard, and I managed to pass the university entrance examinations with top grades and i got my way through one of the best universities and one of the most popular majors in my country, as soon as i got to the college I tried to change myself, including improving my self confidence, trying to look better and of course find a way to meet mr.X …

 

 

If you wanted to judge me by the appearance, I was no longer the same girl. People could hardly recognize me, But deep down inside, I was still the same naive, inexperienced one. as i told you, he was a big shot in my country and you can imagine how many people were around him and how much more wanted to be around him but they couldn’t find their way in. especially his type of character that he was one of those people who always kept the distance between him and the others and never made friends with somebody, except few trusted ones …these facts had made it almost impossible to meet him and get along. so, i figured out that the only way to meet him again is to turn into someone who is connected to people like him. So, i attended journalism classes on my spare time and after lots of ups and downs, i got my journalism certificate. long story short, it wasn’t as easy as it seemed at the first place, as long as it was so difficult to interview mr.X even as a journalist, (Now i skip the details about the fact that how difficult it was for me to get a chance to meet him again. it seemed like impossible and I did a lot of crazy things to finally getting the chance.) after a lots of ups and downs, I finally got a chance to set up a meeting with mr.x, and you would be amazed if i tell you it was wonderful. it only took me a while after the first interview that i turned out to be one of the few journalists whom he ever spoke to and whom he trusted as well, and finally after a while he let me inside of his private world and and we became personal friends…especially after he moved to our town last year, and purhused a home here and settle down. Since then, we met couple of times and it was obvious that he was kinda into me…I couldn’t be even happier when I found that he is attracted to me somehow.. I had finally got a chance to get to know him even more, and, i was amazed that i no longer had the same feelings for him, BUT more real, stronger feelings that made me feel like I was flying above the clouds. I couldn’t stop thinking about him for a second… everyday i felt like my feelings were growing… I had never felt such a huge emotion before… he was turned out to be from a fancy to the person who belonged to my real world and i adored him and I treasured every moment I spent with him… though they were now and then since he was such a busy person… we didn’t had an official date, but he was always sweet and flirty and nice with me like he wanted to be more than friends…and it was all I ever wanted… 2 months later, and it seemed everything was going to be alright …..long story short, everything was going to be great.we were good friends and my few friends who knew about the story were pretty sure about that we will be even closer… until that i s ruined everything… I made terrible mistakes one after another, because I couldn’t wait anymore and I just wanted to push things forward too fast …soon I turned out to play the act of “chaser girl” in despite of my friends preventing me from doing this and keep telling me that mr.X is obviously interested in the first place, but he is a mature man and according to his social position, he needs even more time than other guys to start a romantic relationship with someone, and I should slow things and stop acting like a teenager… I knew this… but my feeling for him had made me blind and deaf …so you can probably imagine what happened… after a few months, he seemed to be changed ..though once, he had told me that he is not the phone-type guy and gets upset when someone call him all day long ( he is some years older than me), I made the mistake times and times… then he got colder and colder everyday… after a while he barely even replied my text messages…I couldn’t really go through this, so I made the most terrible mistake ever… One morning, I went to his office and told him that I want to talk to him… where all the co-workers were around…! I don’t know what I was thinking with myself, but the situation had drove me out of my mind… he was like : hun, what are you doing here?! And seemed pretty upset… then we got to his car and then I even made a worse decision by telling I loved him just when he seemed pretty upset ….you can imagine what happened next.. I can never forgive myself… never…

he told me : < you see everything in black and white and not gray..> and he said he liked me but, if he is about to choose between black and white, he prefers it to be black…he told me that I should have known the more you chase a person, the less they will care about you and it’s a huge turn off for someone …when I said I only wanted to be closer to him he said that I got a wrong path and < if you got stuck to me like that what if I let you even closer?> I kept my self just not to cry when he was saying this things…then I said that I no longer want to see him if it’s about to be like that and he said if you mean it , then ok. He told me take care anyway…

It was the last time I ever saw him, (10 days ago) …the next shock for me was on the next morning when I logged in to my facebook acc, facing the fact he had removed me from his buddy list… though there were many random people in his list even the ones he didn’t even know…so I got the message clearly… I had no chance to see him again… ever…

all I can say is that I felt dead… I couldn’t eat or even talk for days and I can’t help crying every time I think of him even now that I’m writing this note…I have nightmares and his last words come into my mind all the time and makes me insane… i’m 23 I had a huge investment for my emotions for past six years and especially the last year that i was actually in a relationship with him …now, I see nothing in my life,but feeling a huge loss, which can’t be filled again… when I look behind and see how hard I tried and how I put so much effort in every detail of my life for him but I lost everything, I look to the things I got, and I there’s no reason behind them but him, which makes me hate myself, cause I can’t even see him anymore and it’s all my own fault.i lost someone who meant everything to me, and I really miss him, I can’t go on like this, every time that I think I’ll never see his eyes again i just wish i were dead… I really can’t move on,I can never have the same feeling for someone else and I really mean it… I can’t even start something new ,cause I have experienced a huge failure and I’m just so tired and disappointed and I feel like a real loser who can’t do anything… I always thought, it will be enough if you try so hard and try to be honest with someone … but now, can’t even see the person I cared so much about anymore… I miss him a lot… I can give all to just see him once again… to have another chance with him…I don’t have anything else in my life to care about anymore… I wish him the happiness in his life but i just wish i could see him once again, and make up my mistakes….even after long years… I love him… I MISS HIM….

 

 

 

what can i do?... i really can't move on... i can't do anything. i'm just suffering...

[shadowplay]

Wow, your story reminds me of The Great Gatsby. In a way it's kind of impressive that you devoted your whole life to a single, seemingly impossible goal and were *almost* able to achieve it, even though it was an unhealthy goal. That takes a lot of determination and intelligence.

 

Right now you feel devastated and empty because your whole purpose in life became snagging this dude. Also, you came so close to what you wanted and then had the rug pulled out from under you. That must be really painful.

 

You haven't formed an identity apart from that goal. What I would take from this is the realization that you have a huge amount of drive and could probably achieve anything you wanted. The only thing you can't control is other people, so channel that talent and drive into something within your control. Forget about him, and think about developing a sense of self. Figure out what you want in life (apart from him). Right now you don't feel it, but you do have passion within you...it's just buried beneath his pedestal.

Edited April 25, 2010 by shadowplay