Tsm Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Just because you had a part in the A doesn't make their D your fault. I think it's his fault. It was his M. I also agree with this, yes you contributed something to D but you did not create it, because he didnt want to D he wouldnt
herenow Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Sorry if this has already been said. As a BW, I had no reason to call the OW. She isn't a part of my life. My issues were with my H as he was the one who betrayed me. The OW was left with her own questions, and I didn't feel it was my problem to see that she got her answers. I wasn't a part of the affair and when she came looking for closure, I chose to ignore her. I am an advocate of the BW knowing about the affair, but when it comes to answering questions and dealing with the fallout, that is the job of the MM. IMO. 1
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 i agree here now. i guess the bottom line is there are 2 women left with questions and hurt on both sides of it all and the MM is the only one who can provide it. Maybe, as women we should be holding the MM to their responsibiliites and not trying to shift it to the OW or BS.
piscis Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 she called me the day ofter she found out by a text message she was really mad but did not want any explanation I think she just wanted to tell the OW that she was in pain. I knew she was going to call me (it was a huge possibility as I work with his husband) so in a way I was prepared. I did not say a think I did not even listen to all she had to say I just left the phone by my side and let her talk.
White Flower Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 Sorry if this has already been said. As a BW, I had no reason to call the OW. She isn't a part of my life. My issues were with my H as he was the one who betrayed me. The OW was left with her own questions, and I didn't feel it was my problem to see that she got her answers. I wasn't a part of the affair and when she came looking for closure, I chose to ignore her. I am an advocate of the BW knowing about the affair, but when it comes to answering questions and dealing with the fallout, that is the job of the MM. IMO. But was there (or what if there was) a condition that he never contact her again? How can it be his job to give her closure after the fallout if he's agreed to send a NC letter or NC call?
herenow Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 But was there (or what if there was) a condition that he never contact her again? How can it be his job to give her closure after the fallout if he's agreed to send a NC letter or NC call? She continued to call him after he told her it was over. My H got help from our therapist to get her not to call anymore. He gave her closure, but it wasn't the closure she wanted. Anyway, she wasn't my problem, so I let my H deal with it. He was honest with her on d-day when he ended the affair. I would call that closure enough. Had he told me that he wanted to leave and be with the OW, I would have no choice but to find my own closure. IMO, we can't hold others responsible for closure in our lives. That needs to come from within. 1
White Flower Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 She continued to call him after he told her it was over. My H got help from our therapist to get her not to call anymore. He gave her closure, but it wasn't the closure she wanted. Anyway, she wasn't my problem, so I let my H deal with it. He was honest with her on d-day when he ended the affair. I would call that closure enough. Had he told me that he wanted to leave and be with the OW, I would have no choice but to find my own closure. IMO, we can't hold others responsible for closure in our lives. That needs to come from within. You're probably right about closure coming from within. Still, it is nice to look them in the eye and know there isn't a gun at his head when he tells you the truth.
road Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Browneyedgirl You had the balls to bang her WH. Have the balls to pick up the phone. It's not the law, it's decencey. You are not to take abuse. You can offer to tell the BW the truth. Only offer if you can be truthful. Then give a simple apology. Time for you to man up. You were a coward before invading her marriage behind her back. Now it's time for some face to face.
road Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 "still havent answered either of them. at this point i think its ridiculous to involve me in "their" issues. i mean theyre divorcing, yes its my fault, but what do i have to do with the situation almost a year out?" You helped knock the hornets nest out of the tree on to the BS's head and refuse to help clean up the mess.
sadintexas Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 i may be flamed for many by this but i think she needs to vent to her H not me. I'm sure she is i am sorry for the things i directly did to her, but he betrayed her and wrecked their marriage. You did help wreck the marriage. It takes two to tango. If people supported the sanctity of marriage and didn't engage with married folks, they wouldn't have the option of cheating (short of paid professionals). i have a problem with blaming the OW while keeping the H and pretending it was "all her fault." if we wanted to go this route i could say that he ruiined my marriage and how could she stay with a man who wrecked the lives of my sweet innocent boys. Totally agree. He is the one who betrayed her and broke promises to her. It's easier to blame the other person involved if you're not ready to look at the problems in your marriage. but he is not at fault for ruining the lives of my children, i am. i just dont get it. blame your H. he did this to you, he took vows with you. why confront me? Why are you assuming she wants to confront you in a negative way? I have been a BS (later after my divorce I was an OW to a MM - while single myself). When I learned of my then H's A, I called the OW. I did not have any anger towards her, I didn't blame her. I blamed my H for violating our marriage. What I wanted from her was confirmation and validation that what I had learned on my own was true (my H was gaslighting and had for a long time). She and I had a very civil conversation. She gave me the validation and confirmation that I needed and also told me why she chose to go down that path. I clarified some misgivings she'd had about my H (that he wanted her to believe about me and our marriage). She apologized to me and told me of the guilt she'd been dealing with. It was very constructive I think for both of us. I haven't read the whole thread yet, but if you haven't listened to the VM yet, I would and at least see what the purpose of her call is. At the very least, don't make assumptions about what she's after if you decide not to listen to it or talk to her.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 MBEG, sorry but you knew that when you entered the affair that this type of drama and pain was likely to happen at some point. If you don't like it, don't have affairs. EXACTLY!! didn't care she was a party to causing someone else pain, but wants this to be swept under the rug so she doesn't have to deal with the fallout she helped to cause. what is it about people that hurt other people that want to have an easy go of it? but I'll digress, the W shouldn't want or need to contact her. I never cared to contact the OM. he ended up contacting me because his ego couldn't handle that I was glad he was taking a cheater off my hands. he was expecting a fight(of words that is)
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