anyone been contacted by the BS?

[crazycatlady]

I have tried contacted and will keep trying to contact my H's OW until she finally speaks to me. But if this person had been anyone other then my sister, I wouldn't bother. H has been very honest with me (now) and is willing to answer any question i put to him. Frankly, both of us are a little miffed that she is hiding like a coward. WTH did she think was going to happen? But unlike most OW, I do think she owes me an explaination.

 

Have you listened to the message or just deleted it without listening?

 

CCL

[BlueeyedJonesy]

blueeyed, forgive me if im wrong but as i recall you are in the middle of recovery after your H's affair?

 

how long after dday did you feel the rage and how long did it last? what was the turning point?

 

(wondering as it relates to my own H)

 

My H had an EA 4 yrs ago and recently we had a dday in oct 09 (phone sex bills, strip club bills) so hes never cheated on me but emotionally..quite a bit. KWIM?

 

my rage was heavy for about 2 months..I know it seems long but I finally realized I was getting angry about the same things again and again..I call them "hot spots" the visions/things that hurt the most. They won't ever go away but there is nothing I can change now...

 

the anger I just went through for about another 2 months and I'm just now getting over that..so in all about 7 or 8 months..and I'm not raging or angry anymore.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I wouldnt be surprised at her contacting me, except for shes already done this after dday.

 

I did listen to the message. It said who it was, that she wanted to ask me some questions and to call her back. then gave her number.

 

I have not been in contact with her H, but he has been writing me emails. I havent responded.

 

I dont think I owe her a response after so long, but I am curious as to waht the questions are.

[silverfish]

OP it's more than likely that she just wants to know the truth and can't trust her H for obvious reasons. He sounds like a deceitful person.

 

You're the only person that can give her that information she wants, which is why she may contact you. I'm sure there are things you'd like to ask her too in light of your MMs behaviour.

 

I think it's sad when the 2 women involved get played against eachother in an affair, and then continue to berate eachother long afterwards (not saying you're doing this..just seems to happen a lot). I think that some men enjoy all the drama and attention of 2 women 'fighting' over them.

 

Hopefully in some situations, if the women can tell eachother their side of the story, it can help everyone to make the best decision possible. It's a little like a trial -- you need all the witness evidence before you can deliver a verdict

[PhoenixRise]

I think it is likely that while he is sending you emails trying to sway you back to him, he is also making overtures to the stbx to stop the divorce.

 

I think she wants to hear from you whether or not you to have continued your relationship because she is contemplating taking him back.

 

That is the only reason I can think of that she would be trying to contact you now.

[CrissyQ]

Never been contacting by the BS,but have been contacted by the betrayed OW quite a few times,I feel I don't owe them any explaining.

 

If it were the BS to contact me,I would answer her,the way I see it if you wanna sleep with another woman's H,then prepare yourself for some explaining when she contacts you.

[SouthernSunshine]

2 years ago when I had an affair with my ex BF who at the time of the affair also had a girlfriend. She called me (the GF) and left a voice message on my phone that I never returned.

 

Then here recently when I thought about cheating with him again, (but didn't thank goodness)... I contacted the lady/his GF through her FB and apologized to her for ever sleeping with him, and explained how I didn't consider her feelings because I grew up with him, and was very selfish. I also told her how he was contacting me again, this time wanting me to have a threesome. She replied by accepting my apology, and gossiping about the girl that he wanted me to have a 3some with. She said she knows the girl personally, and that she's a drug addict who lost custody of her 3 kids. She went onto say that it didn't make sense as to why he wanted me to have a 3some with them, that maybe they were planning to rob me because they're both drug addicts. She said that he's talked about stealing from me before..

[Owl]

As a BS, I contacted OM when my wife was in the middle of leaving our family to go live with him as a result of them being 'caught' on d-day.

 

It was a mostly civil conversation. I tried to get him to see what he was doing to me, to our family, and to get him to realize our viewpoint in what was happening.

 

I saw his side as well.

 

It did get a little ugly towards the end when there were some rude comments and threats were made, but that got resolved pretty quickly.

 

I will say that from a BS viewpoint, it accomplished little to nothing. I'd assume that it was as fruitless for him as well.

 

I tend to recommend against contact between BS and OW/OM for the most part...I don't believe that the chance of a positive outcome from that kind of discussion is likely in most cases.

[bentnotbroken]

As a BS, I contacted OM when my wife was in the middle of leaving our family to go live with him as a result of them being 'caught' on d-day.

 

It was a mostly civil conversation. I tried to get him to see what he was doing to me, to our family, and to get him to realize our viewpoint in what was happening.

 

I saw his side as well.

 

It did get a little ugly towards the end when there were some rude comments and threats were made, but that got resolved pretty quickly.

 

I will say that from a BS viewpoint, it accomplished little to nothing. I'd assume that it was as fruitless for him as well.

 

I tend to recommend against contact between BS and OW/OM for the most part...I don't believe that the chance of a positive outcome from that kind of discussion is likely in most cases.

 

 

I contacted as well. For me it was about continued contact with my kids and that did get ugly.

[hopeless4u]

anyone had the BS contact you long after dday? what did she say? what did you say? what was the point in all of it and whats the best way to handle?

I was contacted by BS 3 times and the last time she took an OD and told xMM it was because of what I'd said....she had always said she couldn't handle him being in love with me and wanted him to hate me....he never spoke to me again so I guess she got her way. My advice, don't answer and if she uses a number you don't know, hang up as soon as you know its her....thats what I will do next time.

[White Flower]

i may be flamed for many by this but i think she needs to vent to her H not me. i am sorry for the things i directly did to her, but he betrayed her and wrecked their marriage. i have a problem with blaming the OW while keeping the H and pretending it was "all her fault." if we wanted to go this route i could say that he ruiined my marriage and how could she stay with a man who wrecked the lives of my sweet innocent boys.

 

but he is not at fault for ruining the lives of my children, i am. i just dont get it. blame your H. he did this to you, he took vows with you. why confront me?

I could say the same thing.

 

When I got a D my MM kept blaming himself for it. He said I'd lost my M and that my kids suffered because of it due to him pursuing me and pulling me into an A. I reminded him about my choice in participating in the A and also reminded him that I could have never participated if my M were in good shape anyway. Yet, he felt tremendous guilt over it.

 

I wonder what his W would say if she knew how much he suffered over 'causing' my D?

 

She did call me twice and both times did not leave a message. Had she asked me to call her back I probably would have because that would have told me that she was ready for the truth. After asking MM what she would have said and after he asked her she told him that she was going to yell at me to keep my claws off him and then hang up on me. Again, this tells me that she was not ready to hear the truth. I'm sure she never will be.

 

Even now, I'm not sure she would ever believe the truth if she heard it and that is why I probably wouldn't talk to her now. MM tells me that she is of the character that thinks all OW are lying and conniving souls who deserve to be thrown under the bus for tempting their H. When he told her it was him who pursued me (just as friends who spoke on the phone) she still made me out to be the bad guy for 'returning a MM's calls'. If that was her only focus, God help her.

 

Sometimes I wonder if MM in general get off on how their Ws like to blame the OW instead of the player she is M to. Sorry if my question causes a t/j.

 

MBEG, have you read infidelity websites? My goodness, they seem to encourage the BW to think evil and irrational things about the OW and sweet and forgiving things about their H's. If the BW in your case is anything like this then I wouldn't talk to her if I were you.

[Spark1111]

I wouldnt be surprised at her contacting me, except for shes already done this after dday.

 

I did listen to the message. It said who it was, that she wanted to ask me some questions and to call her back. then gave her number.

 

I have not been in contact with her H, but he has been writing me emails. I havent responded.

 

I dont think I owe her a response after so long, but I am curious as to waht the questions are.

 

I'm sorry, but I do NOT GET this line of reasoning at all!

 

After DDAy, my anger was blasted solely at him! I talked friends and family out of paying her a visit because that was a show of SUPPORT I did not need.

 

I did not contact her, because I was afraid I would NOT be rational, and I did not want to further hurt a woman who was already hurting like I was.

 

So I calm down, grow sane, make decisions about reconciling, it's all okay again. I figure she's had time to get over her heartbreak too.

 

I call her and she does not respond. Why?

 

Because after all that time she doesn't think she owes me anything?

 

You have got to be kidding me.

 

Are you afraid she may be a really nice, articulate, classy woman? Not a raging lunatic seeking revenge? Won't be able to hold onto fantasy of horrible she is? Or are you afraid YOU will get an earful of anger. So what?

 

Own your choices.

[seren]

Ditto what Spark said -

 

I contacted OW and she did speak with me, no name calling, I just asked if we could keep out of each other's way as no matter how much I blamed H for his actions toward me, I also felt that she had taken part in deception that she knew would hurt me and more importantly, my son. I don't get knowingly causing or being part of anything that causes another pain and hurt. In all fairness, she told me the truth as she saw it, funny how in an A there are 3 different kinds of truth and none of them really true.

 

People were amazed I hadn't blown my top, but that achieves nothing, in fact she was more pissed off with me than I with her WTF. I accept that everyone is different and that some BS would go off the deep end, the OP would often be floored if they knew the things MP says after D Day, similarly BS's would be too to hear what MP has told them. Justification for guilt maybe, who knows.

And now I apologise for rambling off thread.

[GaLwAyGiRL]

I'm sorry, but I do NOT GET this line of reasoning at all!

 

After DDAy, my anger was blasted solely at him! I talked friends and family out of paying her a visit because that was a show of SUPPORT I did not need.

 

I did not contact her, because I was afraid I would NOT be rational, and I did not want to further hurt a woman who was already hurting like I was.

 

So I calm down, grow sane, make decisions about reconciling, it's all okay again. I figure she's had time to get over her heartbreak too.

 

I call her and she does not respond. Why?

 

Because after all that time she doesn't think she owes me anything?

 

You have got to be kidding me.

 

Are you afraid she may be a really nice, articulate, classy woman? Not a raging lunatic seeking revenge? Won't be able to hold onto fantasy of horrible she is? Or are you afraid YOU will get an earful of anger. So what?

 

Own your choices.

 

amazing point spark! very well said.

[Brokenlady]

MBEG,

Yes I spoke to her twice. The first time he was still with his xW and so I lied to her and said we were just friends. Apparently she wanted to believe that badly enough, so she did. Just a few months ago, after she discovered we were engaged (he moved out and has been divorced for some time now), she called me again. She knew he'd lied to her about the engagement (no baby, it's just a friendship ring), and she told me that he took her on vacation several months before (while I was out of town, and he later admitted this). Anyway, I was in no mood to protect him anymore and so I told her EVERYTHING. She told me lurid details, I told her lurid details. It was almost bonding, but it an I hate you and want to hurt you with the truth kind of way. If I could do it over, I wouldn't pick up the phone either time. The truth doesn't matter - she STILL wants him back, so it was a whole lot of hurt for nothing. And honestly, after everything she told me, I still took him back too. So, it was totally pointless all around.

[Hazyhead]

I'm only seven weeks out with no 'long after' contact yet. She contact me one week after dday. I did speak to her, but it wasn't for long; I think she was still in shock. She seemed, at this point, as WF said: of the rationale that her husband was tempted by the evil OW. She didn't even have that many questions.

 

I have to say that if she contacted me again, I would respond. I wouldn't take her abuse as I did last time (managed to hold myself in) because at that point I understood her rage, but I would answer any questions that she had for me. Why not? It's a long-term healing process and I get that. Things may occur to her, or seem fuzzy, as time goes on.

 

I wish her no ill whatsoever, only healing for the mess that I was part of. (I might point out that her husband was a bloody big part of it too, mind!)

[MizFit]

I'm sorry, but I do NOT GET this line of reasoning at all!

 

After DDAy, my anger was blasted solely at him! I talked friends and family out of paying her a visit because that was a show of SUPPORT I did not need.

 

I did not contact her, because I was afraid I would NOT be rational, and I did not want to further hurt a woman who was already hurting like I was.

 

So I calm down, grow sane, make decisions about reconciling, it's all okay again. I figure she's had time to get over her heartbreak too.

 

I call her and she does not respond. Why?

 

Because after all that time she doesn't think she owes me anything?

 

You have got to be kidding me.

 

Are you afraid she may be a really nice, articulate, classy woman? Not a raging lunatic seeking revenge? Won't be able to hold onto fantasy of horrible she is? Or are you afraid YOU will get an earful of anger. So what?

 

Own your choices.

 

Spark...I love ya man. You're spot on...if a BS approaches in a calm manner then I totally agree they deserve to be responded to. Of course the OW can't be baiting or turn it nasty either...MMs wife attacked me each dday, but on the last I calmly told her that she was choosing to take him back and rather than be worried about my behavior she should be worried of the behavior of the man who is breaking his vows and has lied to her for a year. That was said calmly after a rather vicious attack on me. After that when she contacted I did this...mobile calls I cut her off. Voice mails I deleted them. Emails and texts I forwarded her messages back to her with no responses from me and I copied MM. I know it was her anger and frustration and fortunately I have big shoulders...I'll happily converse until it gets nasty, if it does.

[Hazyhead]

Spark...I love ya man. You're spot on...if a BS approaches in a calm manner then I totally agree they deserve to be responded to. Of course the OW can't be baiting or turn it nasty either...MMs wife attacked me each dday, but on the last I calmly told her that she was choosing to take him back and rather than be worried about my behavior she should be worried of the behavior of the man who is breaking his vows and has lied to her for a year. That was said calmly after a rather vicious attack on me. After that when she contacted I did this...mobile calls I cut her off. Voice mails I deleted them. Emails and texts I forwarded her messages back to her with no responses from me and I copied MM. I know it was her anger and frustration and fortunately I have big shoulders...I'll happily converse until it gets nasty, if it does.

 

I think you handled it well Miz.

[Spark1111]

Spark...I love ya man. You're spot on...if a BS approaches in a calm manner then I totally agree they deserve to be responded to. Of course the OW can't be baiting or turn it nasty either...MMs wife attacked me each dday, but on the last I calmly told her that she was choosing to take him back and rather than be worried about my behavior she should be worried of the behavior of the man who is breaking his vows and has lied to her for a year. That was said calmly after a rather vicious attack on me. After that when she contacted I did this...mobile calls I cut her off. Voice mails I deleted them. Emails and texts I forwarded her messages back to her with no responses from me and I copied MM. I know it was her anger and frustration and fortunately I have big shoulders...I'll happily converse until it gets nasty, if it does.

 

Hey thanks, MizFit.

 

Guess what? She breaks NC two years later and tells H she WOULD NEVER return my calls as they were so "vicious."

 

Now, I call her direct line at work, something I would never do previously, and forced a conversation. I stayed calm.

 

SHE was vicious, attacking, blaming, self-pitying and out of control.

 

And I agree. I have no reason to ever speak with that woman again.

 

No closure, no growth, no owning of her choices, no introspection, and no healing! Just blasting anger.

 

At me, and him, just like a BS.

[Ann_Igma]

MM tells me that she is of the character that thinks all OW are lying and conniving souls who deserve to be thrown under the bus for tempting their H.

 

<slightly OT> I just want to say that before a few weeks ago when I started reading the forums here at LS, I was of the same opinion about the majority of OW. I'm really thankful that I have now had a chance to see the other side of the story and realise that most OW/OM are good and decent people who have often been just as fooled as the BS.

</slightly OT>

 

 

 

In my situation, I did contact the OW a few times, and the majority of that contact, unfortunately, was NOT pretty. There was one civil and almost pleasant contact between us after the main D-day, but it's just too much detail for this thread - I'm bad at knowing when to stop explaining sometimes.

 

I'm not proud of some of the things that I said to her and wish I had the rationality at the time to have held my tongue a bit more. However she was most definitely not the average OW either. She had known us for a few years, always in the capacity of a happily married couple. The EA started very shortly after I had opened my home to a few friends including her. She got back home from her visit and started flirting with my H. A month into their EA she even came back out on her own to visit us for a week and was happy to be a guest in my house and have me running around looking after her and doing my best to make her feel comfortable like a good and naive little hostess.

 

I realise of course that my husband bears 100% of the blame for what he has done, as he is the one who actually made VOWS to love and honor, and forsake all others, etc. However as a friend of ours before the EA, she most definitely betrayed me in her own right.

 

So yeah, in my situation, contact between the BS and OW - not really very good or helpful.

[Got it]

anyone had the BS contact you long after dday? what did she say? what did you say? what was the point in all of it and whats the best way to handle?

 

Yes, she called my phone a few times on dday and sent me a few emails. I did answer the phone, I missed each call and it was set to block. The emails were . . . well what they were. A couple were in response to my emails to my MM, she got into his email account, and then one was after he had moved out.

 

I surmised there was nothing I could say that would soothe her pain, she asked me no questions for me to debate answering, and I would not promise or apologize for things that I was neither sorry for or committed to not doing. So there was nothing for me to say to her. I was always surprised by her emails as there were kind of shallow in response to their relationship. She also had quite a few assumptions of what he may have said or perceived of her which were never the case.

 

At the end of the day I recognized that she needed to speak to him, not me. At this point I am glad we never spoke. It is undue drama.

[White Flower]

Yes, she called my phone a few times on dday and sent me a few emails. I did answer the phone, I missed each call and it was set to block. The emails were . . . well what they were. A couple were in response to my emails to my MM, she got into his email account, and then one was after he had moved out.

 

I surmised there was nothing I could say that would soothe her pain, she asked me no questions for me to debate answering, and I would not promise or apologize for things that I was neither sorry for or committed to not doing. So there was nothing for me to say to her. I was always surprised by her emails as there were kind of shallow in response to their relationship. She also had quite a few assumptions of what he may have said or perceived of her which were never the case.

 

At the end of the day I recognized that she needed to speak to him, not me. At this point I am glad we never spoke. It is undue drama.

I think this is the smart way to go. If he is with you and not gaslighting back and forth between you two then there is no need to compare notes. Let them deal with it.

[howcouldInotknow]

I don't think you owe her any answers. If a BS ever called me I would answer and ask her not to call me anymore and politely tell her if she has any questions ask her H. Not because I want to lie or cover for him but because I have moved on with my life.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

still havent answered either of them. at this point i think its ridiculous to involve me in "their" issues. i mean theyre divorcing, yes its my fault, but what do i have to do with the situation almost a year out?

 

they can keep on with their drama, but i choose not to have that in my life.

[White Flower]

still havent answered either of them. at this point i think its ridiculous to involve me in "their" issues. i mean theyre divorcing, yes its my fault, but what do i have to do with the situation almost a year out?

 

they can keep on with their drama, but i choose not to have that in my life.

Just because you had a part in the A doesn't make their D your fault. I think it's his fault. It was his M.