mybrowneyedgirl Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 anyone had the BS contact you long after dday? what did she say? what did you say? what was the point in all of it and whats the best way to handle?
crazycatlady Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 What did she say or want to know and how was the tone?
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 My advice to you is just not answer and stay in NC mode. Why open that door again after everything that's been said and done?
pureinheart Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Hi MBEG, LOL, I contacted her last summer. There was about 2 weeks that I got drunk every night (I'm a lightweight the most I drank was 4 beers)...well one of those nights I was pissed off at exDM and wrote her telling her how lucky she was to have such a nice bf...my bad
JustJoe Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 The Bs in my affair e-mailed me Thursday wanting to know if I had seen the Ws since we split up, or if she had contacted me. She has tried to, but I haven't answered her. I didn't tell him this, I don't know why.
LadyDi Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 14 months after D Day the W e-mailed me. A scathing one to be exact. Called me all kinds of names, insulted my family, husband, kids, just went off. 14 months later. Lord. Normally I wouldn't have responded, but I was so offended that she would continue to blame me completely, I sent a long response back. No name calling as she did, no insults, just asked her how I could carry on an affair w/out her husband WANTING to be there too, and told her we know it was wrong, apologized for her pain etc. She replied back, saying I opened her eyes with my calm response and that MM had fooled us both. Apologized for the name calling and she now thinks maybe he was to blame for his half. I left it at that. I won't respond again, ever.
I Miss the Kiss Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Nine months into the A (and after MM and BS had about 6 D-days), Bs called me. I was calm but did defend msyelf where necessary, especially when she acted as if he was put under my spell. YA RIGHT. She actually said that. It probably went as well as one could expect. She was pretty quiet through most of it, because down deep she knew he loved me and she couldn't try to say he didn't. She filed for D this past week. To be continued...
Woman In Blue Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I sent a long response back. No name calling as she did, no insults, just asked her how I could carry on an affair w/out her husband WANTING to be there too, and told her we know it was wrong, apologized for her pain etc. You're a classy lady, LadyDi. That sounded like a very gracious and honest reply you sent his wife. Make no mistake - these guys LIE any way they can to make us look like psychos, stalkers, and manipulators. Their ONLY aim is to do damage control, and if they have to paint you as the bad guy, they're going to do so. My exMM told his wife I was psycho and MADE him be with me. ROFL!!! He also lied to her and told her that I had stalked him (he WISHES) and that I had threatened bodily harm to his wife and kids if he didn't stay with me! He had her thinking I was the ogre of ALL TIME. That's why I told her the truth when she contacted me. I was 100% honest with her. It opened her eyes to what a hideous liar she was REALLY married to.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 saw the number on my phone, didnt answer. havent yet had the nerve to check the voicemail. she filed for d a long time ago. wonder what it is she wants or why she still cares. i wish that she would just forget i exist and leave the drama for her H. it seems throughout this whole thing she always wants to drag me into it. i dont have the time for this in my life. and honestly after so long she probably wont like what i have to say. nothing disrespectful of course. just picture myself questioning why she still cares and telling her i wont take part in her drama.
MizzBlue72 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 No - I can say I have never been contacted. If I were, I wouldn't lie. I've already caused her enough pain. Why add to it?
JustJoe Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 MBEG, sorry but you knew that when you entered the affair that this type of drama and pain was likely to happen at some point. If you don't like it, don't have affairs. That's what I'm doing from now on.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 ah yes, but ive dealt with the drama for almost a year now. and have been NC for many months (not counting). for someone who demanded NC as written in an email directed by her i just dont see the overwhelming need to keep contacting me. ive yet to contact them, but still it goes on and on. i asked the question because i am curious as to what she would say. i would like the opportunity to apologize. i will not lie for him and maybe letting me have it could offer her some relief. i do feel remorse and guilt for the pain ive caused her. but if its an attempt to continue to place all blame on me instead of her husband i dont have the time for that. i didnt suck him in or hold him hostage. if anything he chased me, and is still doing so. but yes i admit it. i am a coward and wont answer her call or check her message. so thats why ive asked what others have done. im a bit scared to hear it.
JustJoe Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 In my opinion, you are doing what you should be doing. Keeping NC, and ignoring the BS and the WS , as much as possible. She is just venting, and will probably continue to do so until she has gotten closure. How long it will take, nobody knows, probably not even her.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 i may be flamed for many by this but i think she needs to vent to her H not me. i am sorry for the things i directly did to her, but he betrayed her and wrecked their marriage. i have a problem with blaming the OW while keeping the H and pretending it was "all her fault." if we wanted to go this route i could say that he ruiined my marriage and how could she stay with a man who wrecked the lives of my sweet innocent boys. but he is not at fault for ruining the lives of my children, i am. i just dont get it. blame your H. he did this to you, he took vows with you. why confront me?
MizFit Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 i may be flamed for many by this but i think she needs to vent to her H not me. i am sorry for the things i directly did to her, but he betrayed her and wrecked their marriage. i have a problem with blaming the OW while keeping the H and pretending it was "all her fault." if we wanted to go this route i could say that he ruiined my marriage and how could she stay with a man who wrecked the lives of my sweet innocent boys. but he is not at fault for ruining the lives of my children, i am. i just dont get it. blame your H. he did this to you, he took vows with you. why confront me? Sadly I'm too nosy to not listen to the message. I'd at least listen and find out what she has to say. If she attacked me again then I would respond...I'm sorry, but there's a certain point in time when the BS either needs to sh&t or get off the pot. If she doesn't trust him and still needs to vent at the OW then it's not working...get out. If it's working and you have a legit question about something and it's not an attack, then fine. MBEG...if you do respond then I would do as I would have done at the beginning...honestly and calmly. If it gets heated then end it and remind her of her NC request, and that you're doing this to try and help her get past whatever hurdle it is. You owe her nothing more than that...he does. You're right what you say about if you're responsible for the breakdown of his marriage then he is for yours...neither of them can have it both ways.
pureinheart Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 14 months after D Day the W e-mailed me. A scathing one to be exact. Called me all kinds of names, insulted my family, husband, kids, just went off. 14 months later. Lord. Normally I wouldn't have responded, but I was so offended that she would continue to blame me completely, I sent a long response back. No name calling as she did, no insults, just asked her how I could carry on an affair w/out her husband WANTING to be there too, and told her we know it was wrong, apologized for her pain etc. She replied back, saying I opened her eyes with my calm response and that MM had fooled us both. Apologized for the name calling and she now thinks maybe he was to blame for his half. I left it at that. I won't respond again, ever. Wow, that was a good end...you handled yourself quite well. I too was attacked, threatened by her, her kids, the dog...they tried to get me fired...yada, yada...basically "psycho" was a family dynamic.
OWoman Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 If any of my fMMs BWs contacted me, I'd have a tame lawyer send them a letter warning them about the legal consequences of harassment in the densest legalese. I'm not her MC. If she wants healing, she can pay a professional and get it done properly. If her M needs me to heal, they're in worse trouble than she thinks!
BlueeyedJonesy Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 If any of my fMMs BWs contacted me, I'd have a tame lawyer send them a letter warning them about the legal consequences of harassment in the densest legalese. I'm not her MC. If she wants healing, she can pay a professional and get it done properly. If her M needs me to heal, they're in worse trouble than she thinks![/QUOTE] soooo true! I think its more of a heat of the moment thing...there are days when you feel alot of rage and if you don't take care of it it just explodes...I did some things I'm not pround of in these times:eek: It happens! MBEG, I hope she stops calling you, I would just ignore and keep going..this is toxic to you if you give in.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 blueeyed, forgive me if im wrong but as i recall you are in the middle of recovery after your H's affair? how long after dday did you feel the rage and how long did it last? what was the turning point? (wondering as it relates to my own H)
Spark1111 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 saw the number on my phone, didnt answer. havent yet had the nerve to check the voicemail. she filed for d a long time ago. wonder what it is she wants or why she still cares. i wish that she would just forget i exist and leave the drama for her H. it seems throughout this whole thing she always wants to drag me into it. i dont have the time for this in my life. and honestly after so long she probably wont like what i have to say. nothing disrespectful of course. just picture myself questioning why she still cares and telling her i wont take part in her drama. She calls or writes because she is just trying to fill in missing pieces of the puzzle, the ones he refuses to supply her, IMHO. If she is divorcing him, she has obviously made her decision that he cannot be trusted to tell her the truth about anything. Affairs do not kill decent marriages, lying does. And I do not understand the fear in returning a phone call. WSs tend to lie to everyone. Wouldn't you have some questions for her? The fOW in my triangle had not a one, and it is something I still can't get over. She seemed to buy his particular brand of bullcrap hook, line and sinker after DDay. I didn't believe anything that came out of his mouth as he begged to reconcile. I did not believe his attempts to minimize HER in his desperation and called him out on it, every chance I could. BSs are not ALL uncaring, unloving, unenlightened and staying for the sake of the children or his paycheck variety. Many of us DO HAVE integrity, ethics, and do not blame the OW as a shameless hussy. Give us some credit. Return her call. What have you got to lose at this point? She may actually surprise you.
jwi71 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 MBEG, Don't respond. How can this end if you keep contacting them? Who cares what she thinks? Do you think she will magically think better of you? No, she won't. You will always be worm shyt to her. Just ignore it and move on. Eventually, she will get the hint and stop.
2sure Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Oh man, listen to this. So, my STBXH had multiple "encounters" none really "affairs" by definition I guess. Most of the OW didnt even know his real name, etc. but a few of them did (and knew of ME - those bugged me the most) I contacted a bunch of them, obviously more as an FYI than anything else. No crazy drama, but one that did know of me was actually mean. He banged her twice, she is married, she and her H are swingers ( I saw an ad) . We have filed for D. H has a public position, might seem high profile to some. So the mean one calls me at home, just two weeks ago. Tells me that she has really been suffering since being involved in this scandal, that she doesnt trust men anymore, and has had to see counselors, keeping the secret has cost her tremendously. Ahhhh. Now I get it. Shake down. My response: "The only thing having sex with my H will get you is a burning sensation when you urinate." Then I gave her his new cell phone number.
jthorne Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Oh man, listen to this. So, my STBXH had multiple "encounters" none really "affairs" by definition I guess. Most of the OW didnt even know his real name, etc. but a few of them did (and knew of ME - those bugged me the most) I contacted a bunch of them, obviously more as an FYI than anything else. No crazy drama, but one that did know of me was actually mean. He banged her twice, she is married, she and her H are swingers ( I saw an ad) . We have filed for D. H has a public position, might seem high profile to some. So the mean one calls me at home, just two weeks ago. Tells me that she has really been suffering since being involved in this scandal, that she doesnt trust men anymore, and has had to see counselors, keeping the secret has cost her tremendously. Ahhhh. Now I get it. Shake down. My response: "The only thing having sex with my H will get you is a burning sensation when you urinate." Then I gave her his new cell phone number.Ohhhhh. She must have had your STBX confused with Tiger Woods... Poor thing.
secretlady76 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 I am a MW who had intense EA with a MM.... Nope, no confrontation, just evil stares and ignoring.
bittersweet memories Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 saw the number on my phone, didnt answer. havent yet had the nerve to check the voicemail. she filed for d a long time ago. wonder what it is she wants or why she still cares. i wish that she would just forget i exist and leave the drama for her H. it seems throughout this whole thing she always wants to drag me into it. i dont have the time for this in my life. and honestly after so long she probably wont like what i have to say. nothing disrespectful of course. just picture myself questioning why she still cares and telling her i wont take part in her drama. Thats what happens when you get involve with a married man. You caused this to yourself. Now have you been in touch with married man after all this mess? Maybe that has something to do with it.
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