intensity ruining relationships

[EthanH]

I have always known I'm an intense person. I have always known it is my biggest problem. I remember my parents being exhausted with speaking to me whenever anything was wrong. If there was a problem, I would speak and speak and speak about it, re-analysing stuff over and over, without really coming up with any solutions.

 

I have realised that one of the main reasons my relationship with my ex did not work is my intensity. I have seen a lot of people on here who have scared their bf/gf off, and their posts just scream intensity (one more letter, i just need to convince them etc etc etc)... basically, the more is better theory.

 

And I'm feeling so much guilt about this. I genuinely think one of the main problems was that my ex wasn't sure enough about her own feelings at the best of times, my intensity made that situation worse rather than better. The problem is, I'm not sure how i can cure it, it is all very well saying 'I'm just not going to be intense about something' but in practice, how do you do that? How do you stop yourself from feeling what you feel? I honestly think my intensity is a massive problem... therapy is not the answer in my opinion, unless they can provide a personality transplant? So how do i resolve this? Because I know that every relationship I ever have will fall apart due to my intensity.

[Ronni_W]

Ethan,

You're right -- a therapist cannot provide a personality transplant. But. He or she can help you transform the parts of your personality that you would like to change for the better.

 

You're using the words "intense" and "intensity" -- but is that just cos it feels better on your tongue and sounds better to your mind and ear than calling your behaviour "desperate"? Or needy, clingy, dependent?

 

What you're talking about there -- wanting and going for that "one last chance to convince them to see things the way I'm seeing them, and agree with my way of seeing and thinking about things" -- that's actually a deep need to control (how they are actually seeing and thinking about things.)

 

If you started thinking in terms of wanting to release your need to control how others interpret their experiences and see their world...would that make it easier for you to want to start changing how you're doing things?

[EthanH]

Maybe it is about control. That makes me sound like a monster. It isn't needy/clingy/desperate, my intensity was never about persuading someone, it was more trying to explain myself. But I know in itself it is exhausting. We would have times when I would talk and then she would just not know what to say, but would go back to her room and just blurt out stuff to her room-mate, and she said she hated it as when she was with me, she genuinely couldn't communicate. She said it wasn't about fear, she just got 'writers block' when she was with me, and this frustrated her massively. I just don't know how a therapist would help, someone I don't know, who can make me aware of my personality, but I'm not sure that would change the way I saw things, I get the impression my intensity is more based around instinct rather than anything I have chosen per-se...

[Ronni_W]

No, it does not at all make you a monster -- it makes you a most lovable human!

If you follow your thought process about wanting to "explain" yourself, your explanation is intended to change something, right? But, exactly what is it that you'd hoped/wanted your "explanation" to change?

 

It is true that others cannot communicate their own thoughts and feelings to those of us who are so 'intensely' committed to getting them to change their thoughts and feelings so that it matches up with our "explanation" of our own words, behaviours and actions -- we just don't give them a chance, and we just don't listen to them because our main 'inspiration' and motive is to get them to change what they're actually thinking, perceiving and feeling (about us and what/how we did whatever is the matter at hand.)

We are the ones blocking their open and honest communication of their own thoughts and true feelings.

 

Again, a therapist can only help you change how you're seeing things -- first you'd have to want to be honest, brutally honest, about your current way of doing it, and then you'd have to want to change whatever you decide no longer makes logical sense to you (after you consider the therapist's observations and input.) A therapist can't "make you" do anything that you do not want to do (same as a hypnotist can't do that, in reality.)

 

It's difficult to explain, but everything you're thinking and doing IS your choice...it just is not necessarily a conscious one. It can be coming from your unconscious, subconscious and 'automatic programming'. That's the challenge we all face -- and a therapist can only help you get conscious about all the unconscious, subconscious, automatic crap that is actually driving your choices and decisions. But it's still all you, all the time...because it's 100% from within yourself - your own beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, perceptions, guesses, assumptions, filters, etc., etc.

 

At the beginning, it's difficult to wrap one's head around how it all works.

Edited April 25, 2010 by Ronni_W

[RainDown]

I have always known I'm an intense person. I have always known it is my biggest problem. I remember my parents being exhausted with speaking to me whenever anything was wrong. If there was a problem, I would speak and speak and speak about it, re-analysing stuff over and over, without really coming up with any solutions.

 

I have realised that one of the main reasons my relationship with my ex did not work is my intensity. I have seen a lot of people on here who have scared their bf/gf off, and their posts just scream intensity (one more letter, i just need to convince them etc etc etc)... basically, the more is better theory.

 

And I'm feeling so much guilt about this. I genuinely think one of the main problems was that my ex wasn't sure enough about her own feelings at the best of times, my intensity made that situation worse rather than better. The problem is, I'm not sure how i can cure it, it is all very well saying 'I'm just not going to be intense about something' but in practice, how do you do that? How do you stop yourself from feeling what you feel? I honestly think my intensity is a massive problem... therapy is not the answer in my opinion, unless they can provide a personality transplant? So how do i resolve this? Because I know that every relationship I ever have will fall apart due to my intensity.

 

How do you stop yourself from feeling what you feel? You don't. It doesn't sound to me like your intensity is causing a problem. What is causing the problem is that you are acting out your intensity, which is bothersome to other people. It's OK to feel things intensely on the inside, we all do. The trick is learning to control and contain the outward expression of the intensity. And that is behavioral - and thus controllable. You can learn to be an intense person on the inside, but control the behavioral expression of your intensity on the outside at the same time.

 

I don't think you need a therapist per se, but it might help to seek out someone who can help you modify the behavior that stems from your self-described intense feelings. I see this more as an impulse control issue than anything else. If you want to learn to tame your intensity in order to avoid driving people away, you have got to find a way to control your impulse to express it. It can be done with effort and attention.

[EthanH]

Yeah, short reply as I cannot think of anything much more to add to your amazing replies... but ... i think my intensity with my ex was to try and reassure her... but maybe it was too much... and i wanted her to open up, but she was never able to me...

[dazzle22]

Well, I think if you wore your parents out, and notice this yourself, you may have a bit of OCD or anxiety. These things are almost impossible to 'will yourself out of'. Because essentially it is like a 'short circuit' in the brain.

 

There are many meds, even small doses, that might help this settle down for you. Consider seeing a doctor who knows about such conditions.

[freckles3131]

Ethan,

I am also a very intense person. Everything I think or feel is always on the table. Good, bad and the ugly. I need to take it down a notch as well sometimes..BUT.....

me and my bf just broke up a few days ago.

He said he "just can't do it anymore" "he has fallen out of love"

 

This took me by complete suprise. I mean, I knew we were having a rough spell but I had no idea he had been "removed" from our relationship for a while now.

He tells me he was "giving me hints" and that by those "hints" I should have known (hints like staying out late with friends more often, less sex, not wanting to cuddle and be affectionate as much)

 

I "read" his hints as he is tired from work, he is stressed from our rocky relationship, he is pulling back some because he is hurt, confused...whatever...)

I had NO clue that he was that far gone...and WHY??

Because he never came out and TOLD me....he never sat me down and said exactly how he was feeling. How we could have changed things. What I should be doing to help that along.

 

Instead he just let me talk and talk and just sat and listened with no input from how he was feeling.

I'm not a freaking mind reader (all while he was dropping "hints" and we were working on things we were taking a home buyer class to buy a home....so I'm suppose to "get" from his "hints" that he has was falling out of love?)

So.....anyways....I think it's more of a blessing to be able to be brutally honest and up front.

At least the person your with will always know where you stand, no ifs, ands or buts. (intense as it may be there will be no pushing and pulling from you nor you being vague and sending mixed signals)

 

To work on it, I think we need to have some mantra in our head that when we feel ourselves going to that intense place we can say some mantra in our head to try to keep it in check. (conditioning yourself if you will) over time the habit of doing so might make it click.

But...either way, I'd trade in an overly intense up-front man for one who drops "hints" anyday!

 

On another note.....

As far as men go....is it more the norm for men to be so silent or is it more the norm for men to say it like it is (even if it's in an intense way)

I have been with my guy for 10 years so I don't have much to compare his character traits to...

Was he unusual in dropping hints with me or is it more unusual for men to spit it out and be done with it?

Like, jeez....be a feckin' man and tell me your pissed/hurt/angry for cripes sake!

"I gave you hints"

Really??

[EthanH]

so what is this mantra?

 

I just feel totally lost. I understand what you say about being open and honest... but at the same time, if you do that, you leave yourself wide open, you get to a stage where the person you are with is too sure of how you think. That is what happened with my ex, and it wasn't comforting as you would expect, i thought telling her everything i felt would re-assure her, and in the end it just made her scared of how certain i was in comparison to her doubts (i don't think she even had doubts but in comparison to me, she wasn't sure)... almost that my certainty made her doubt herself...

[freckles3131]

Yes....I think the exact same thing happened to me.

Maybe the certainty puts people in panic mode?

I don't know...there has to be people out there that would find that comforting??

But, like you said...if they have doubts to begin with...probably doesn't help, but hurts the situation.

But, hey...if they have doubts and they are uncertain...why should we stay then?

Don't you want to be with a person that has no doubt about what they feel toward you??

I mean, isn't that love?

[freckles3131]

so what is this mantra

 

How about,

"Calm down. Keep in cool. Self-respect" "Ohm...."

[northstar1]

Ethan,

I am also a very intense person. Everything I think or feel is always on the table. Good, bad and the ugly. I need to take it down a notch as well sometimes..BUT.....

me and my bf just broke up a few days ago.

He said he "just can't do it anymore" "he has fallen out of love"

 

This took me by complete suprise. I mean, I knew we were having a rough spell but I had no idea he had been "removed" from our relationship for a while now.

He tells me he was "giving me hints" and that by those "hints" I should have known (hints like staying out late with friends more often, less sex, not wanting to cuddle and be affectionate as much)

 

I "read" his hints as he is tired from work, he is stressed from our rocky relationship, he is pulling back some because he is hurt, confused...whatever...)

I had NO clue that he was that far gone...and WHY??

Because he never came out and TOLD me....he never sat me down and said exactly how he was feeling. How we could have changed things. What I should be doing to help that along.

 

Instead he just let me talk and talk and just sat and listened with no input from how he was feeling.

I'm not a freaking mind reader (all while he was dropping "hints" and we were working on things we were taking a home buyer class to buy a home....so I'm suppose to "get" from his "hints" that he has was falling out of love?)

So.....anyways....I think it's more of a blessing to be able to be brutally honest and up front.

At least the person your with will always know where you stand, no ifs, ands or buts. (intense as it may be there will be no pushing and pulling from you nor you being vague and sending mixed signals)

 

To work on it, I think we need to have some mantra in our head that when we feel ourselves going to that intense place we can say some mantra in our head to try to keep it in check. (conditioning yourself if you will) over time the habit of doing so might make it click.

But...either way, I'd trade in an overly intense up-front man for one who drops "hints" anyday!

 

On another note.....

As far as men go....is it more the norm for men to be so silent or is it more the norm for men to say it like it is (even if it's in an intense way)

I have been with my guy for 10 years so I don't have much to compare his character traits to...

Was he unusual in dropping hints with me or is it more unusual for men to spit it out and be done with it?

Like, jeez....be a feckin' man and tell me your pissed/hurt/angry for cripes sake!

"I gave you hints"

Really??

 

This is a tough one, I'm sorry.

Some people end up either retreating into themselves, and rather than talk about it, or work on it, they build a case in their heads of why it can't work, and then hit a point and decide to leave. Or they are not good expressing their feelings, so although he might have shown some annoyances/displeasures over things recently, he wasn't addressing them head on.

And some, like my ex, have a history of relationships not working, and run when things aren't going well, rather than fighting for it.

[EthanH]

This is a tough one, I'm sorry.

Some people end up either retreating into themselves, and rather than talk about it, or work on it, they build a case in their heads of why it can't work, and then hit a point and decide to leave.

 

For the first part of the time i was with my ex, we were in the same halls of residence at university. There would be times when we would speak about 'serious' stuff... usually after she got upset, it was never me who initiated it, and i would say what i thought, i would try to re-assure her, and she would just sit there, and i remember saying to her, what do you think? and she would just sit in silence. And then i have found out since we split that she would go back to her room and just rant at her room-mate, telling her exactly what she felt, but found it so frustrating that she couldn't tell me. She would be totally clueless with me and then 5 mins later she would be speaking to her room-mate in great angry clarity, angry that she couldn't tell me. So yeah, I feel like me re-assuring her was the main problem, she thought it proved how sure i was, when it wasn't that, it was just me trying to calm her down. She took my certainty and as a result began to doubt herself.

[EthanH]

But, hey...if they have doubts and they are uncertain...why should we stay then?

Don't you want to be with a person that has no doubt about what they feel toward you??

I mean, isn't that love?

 

I might be wrong here, but i think that is a utopian vision... I don't think you will ever get a couple where both are totally certain about each other, maybe we want to believe that is true, but there is always one member of a relationship who has some doubts at certain points, and change back and forth over time between them... but I don't think both can ever be sure totally...

[Els]

I have this problem too, to a certain degree.

 

Journalling really did help me - it didn't solve everything, but it helped. I wrote ad nauseum about the problem to MYSELF, hashed it over and reanalysed it to myself. And then, if there was anything outstanding that I felt needed to be made known to the bf, I did it in as concise a manner as possible after all the hashing had been done.

 

I'm not exactly sure how healthy this is, carrying on a monologue by yourself, but I think if I'd verbalized every bit of the analysis to the bf (or ANYone, for that matter), they would've gone stark raving mad and ran off screaming.

[norajane]

You have to learn to keep more of your thoughts to yourself. And ask more questions. Practice listening to people instead of talking.

 

The journaling idea is a good one. When you're full of feeling about something, write it down. Get it all out, and then if you talk to someone, tell them the executive summary, not the whole thing.

 

Or tape record yourself talking talking talking, as if you were talking to another person, and then play the tape back to yourself a little while later to hear what you sound like to other people. You'll probably find that you are repeating yourself to emphasize something, you're not pausing between statements or even between several statements or worse, paragraphs, so are not giving the other person a chance to speak, and you're not asking as many questions to understand what they are thinking and feeling as you think. And you probably do sound like you are trying to convince them how to think and feel, that you are absolutely right about what you think and feel, and they should think about it in the same way you do.

 

Practice, practice, practice summarizing rather than explaining in great detail. Practice speaking in only a sentence or two, and then pausing so people get a word in edgewise. Speak for a sentence or two and then ask a question. Practice this!

 

And practice listening to people. When one of your friends starts talking about something, remind yourself that you are just there to listen and ask questions in order to understand. Don't start in with giving them your perspective or thoughts before they have spent a lot more time talking. You can ask questions, but don't add in your views unless they ask you directly and then keep it short.

 

Also, in business, I've noticed it's common for some people to speak in direct statements, while others tend to preface things. One might say, "I could be wrong, but it might make sense to focus on this instead of that. Whereas another would say, "Focus on this instead of that." Use fewer direct statements, because those can come off as you thinking you are so very right and there is no room for disagreement. One type of statement offers room for discussion, while the other offers no room for discussion.

 

Finally, the people around you already know you are a big talker and can be exhausting. So if you do want to discuss something with them, preface it with something like, "hey, I know I yak too much, but I'm really interested in what you think, so please interrupt me when I start going off". That way, they at least know they can tell you to cut it short when you're getting to into your point of view or start going into unnecessary minutiae.

Edited April 25, 2010 by norajane

[EthanH]

thanks for that advice. The thing is, i have been told by a scary amount of people that I'm actually the best listener around. Of my friends who are girls, I'm their main confidant, I wouldn't say I'm a girly guy either, but they like talking to me.