This Week's IC Session

[Samantha0905]

I went to counseling yesterday morning. I'm not sure how many sessions I've had now. I suppose I could have kept track.

 

I headed to counseling wondering why I'm still heading to counseling, to be quite honest. I felt perfectly happy that day and didn't feel I had much to say.

 

(As an aside, I'm watching "The First Wives' Club" right now -- seems somewhat ironic -- and also -- Goldie Hawn's lips make mine hurt. )

 

So, when I arrived at counseling it seemed we started talking somewhat in generalities for a while. We discussed guilt -- I brought it up. My counselor said guilt is there to tell me I've done something wrong, but it should be dealt with and left behind. He said it's important to learn from mistakes made, but there is nothing positive that will come at all from flogging myself. He said I've had an affair, feel affairs in general are a wrong thing to do in a marriage, have confessed the affair and now my focus should be on working on what's lacking in the marriage relationship. He said guilt can become a negative thing in that it becomes the focus and positive steps forward are not made.

 

I explained to him I still miss my AP quite a bit and he said he feels I should focus on the part of me my affair partner brought out -- not my affair partner himself. I told him he definitely brought out my sexuality, abandonment during sex, feeling very close and intimate during sex, a sense of intimacy when we were just holding each other and talking, etc. He said I should embrace those feelings coming out in myself and focus on whether or not I think I can achieve these same feelings with my husband.

 

He also said these things are a part of my inner self and a part of me that needs to be expressed, which is why I sought out an affair -- because I felt -- for whatever reason -- this part of me felt it wasn't being expressed.

 

I told him I didn't know whether I could feel the same way with my husband or not and he asked me if I felt like I was growing in my marriage and changing as time went on? I told him yes, I always feel like I am evolving. He asked me if I felt my husband was growing and evolving in the marriage? I told him not a lot, but he was trying. Now granted, I understand my husband could very well feel he is. I'm just sharing how I feel with my counselor. I do think my husband in recent years is finally making some friends outside the marriage -- which he never really did before. He joined a local country club and has started golfing more with friends not related to his work, playing poker, etc. I'm very happy he started doing that because I enjoy doing things with my friends sometimes and it always felt like I was leaving him home alone when I did "Girl's Night" type things.

 

Anyway, my counselor suggested we go to marriage counseling and gave me the marriage counselor's name and contact info. He said he felt he should not give us marriage counseling as he has already developed a relationship with me as a client and he just felt it was not something ethical to do. It's funny he said that because it's exactly what our first counselor did -- I went to her for a while and then took my husband there so we could get marriage counseling. Once I took him, I felt like she spent most of the time talking to him because they felt differently about a lot of things. She was more of a liberal/feminist and he definitely is not. I recall thinking, "What the heck? I'm still here!" So, maybe it isn't a good idea to use someone who has been providing IC as a MC. I don't know.

 

My counselor then asked me if I felt ready to go to marriage counseling yet and I told him I didn't think so. He said that was fine and I could certainly continue to come to him for IC for as long as I needed.

 

We discussed spirit and soul -- the differences -- and had quite an interesting general discussion on those things. I wish I could remember it all to share and in what context it came up, but the basics were our spirit is the more active and animated part of us whereas the soul is our innermost being and needs to be grounded in order for us to exercise our spirit in a way which is most beneficial to us. I think it was in the context of me finding my inner voice and allowing my spirit to soar, but to do it from a grounded soul.

 

I asked my counselor about confessing in respect to how it is discussed here -- whether or not it is absolutely necessary to tell of an affair because many people here, some people who write books on the subject, some psychologists, etc. seem to think that is the case. My counselor said he does not feel that way and feels a marriage can move forward without having to cause this hurt to a partner. He said the focus should be on what is lacking in the marriage itself and what led to the affair. I know this will make some of you discount my counselor's advice, but I was glad to know he felt similar to how I feel on the subject. My counselor also said I was very fortunate not to have a spouse who was obsessing on the details of the affair.

 

I also discussed things my husband's counselor has been saying to him and, honestly, it reminds me of the children's book "I Can Dress Myself" except it seems more like that level of "I Have Emotions and Can Express Them." I'm not being ugly, but it really does seem that basic and like the counselor is approaching my husband's counseling at a very basic level. They even decided to start meeting every two weeks instead of every week. That being said, my husband is trying to take actions he feels are more respectful to how I am feeling -- so I certainly will not complain about that.

 

My counselor also talked to me more about expressing myself immediately when anything bothers me which my husband does so I don't build up resentments.

 

I can only think of two incidences since I went to counseling yesterday which applied and I spoke up:

 

1) My husband ordered new bank cards for us -- debit cards. It was the same bank, but apparently the PIN had changed because it wouldn't work when I tried to use it. Luckily, the bank knew I had tried two PINS and sent me a letter informing they knew I had unsuccessfully tried to withdraw money (It's wild what they know) and the letter had my new PIN number in it. I read it and my husband took the letter and said he was going to keep it in his office in case I forgot my PIN. I took it from him and told him I'd keep up with it myself as it was my PIN.

 

2) So, I headed upstairs to put the letter where I keep things I don't want to get lost. In that drawer I also had put information on some medicine my son is taking. The information contains a user identification number card and things about the drug. My son has to keep up with this number for life and if he ever needs the medication later in life, they told me he has to have this number and we're responsible for keeping up with it. Well, when I went to put the PIN information in the drawer, the user identification number card and drug info were missing. I knew for a fact I had put the information in this particular drawer and I was freaking out. I then though -- rut roh -- control freak has struck again. So, I went downstairs and nicely asked my husband if he had taken the card and info out of my drawer and he said, "Yes, I thought I would keep it so it doesn't get lost." I told him that was what I was doing and why I had put it where I had put it. He got snippy with me, but relinquished it.

 

I know this sounds like small stuff, but it's the third time he's changed bank cards on me and given me a new card with no PIN information and it, therefore, makes me either have to ask for cash or go to the bank and write a check for cash. I am not a big spender, we have joint accounts and I think I should have access to cash without having to put my hand out like Blondie. I also am an adult and can keep up with my child's medication information. If my husband feels he would like a copy also, he should either ask or make a copy -- not move things from where I've placed them for safekeeping.

 

Anyway -- not biggies -- but baby steps to fight the control issues and be respected as an adult.

 

 

That's all I recall from this week's session. I have conflicts next week when he could meet with me, so I will not see him for two weeks.

Edited April 24, 2010 by Samantha0905

[norajane]

My counselor then asked me if I felt ready to go to marriage counseling yet and I told him I didn't think so.

Why not?

 

You already had your affair, which you don't want to tell your H about. Obviously, you have your issues to deal with in IC regarding why you chose to have an affair instead of resolving whatever marital problems you have...but you still have those marital problems.

 

What will make you ready for MC? Why do you want to wait?

[califnan]

Samantha, Thanks for sharing the latter (control) information, as it helps to know in putting the picture together.

 

I was wondering if I - or someone is supposed to start a thread about girls / boys night out. I was married for 22 years and didn't feel the need for it .. Evenings and weekends were ours - daytime I could talk or play with the girls ..

 

This isn't the first time it has come up in my wonderment why married couples need time out. Do they feel it revives the marriage and keeps it fresher - or what. Boring as it may be, I would think that two would come closer by inventing things to do with oneanother - to bring them closer together..

 

And yes, I fully expect this will be addressed by other members, as well .. ha

[Samantha0905]

Why not?

 

You already had your affair, which you don't want to tell your H about. Obviously, you have your issues to deal with in IC regarding why you chose to have an affair instead of resolving whatever marital problems you have...but you still have those marital problems.

 

What will make you ready for MC? Why do you want to wait?

 

I don't know Nora. Perhaps that feeling will be short-lived. I know when my counselor suggested it, my initial reaction was I didn't feel ready. I know I'm not sexually attracted to my husband and I'm not sure that is something I want to say in counseling to my husband and I'm also not sure it's something which can be remedied.

 

I've sometimes wondered if we communicated better and did more things together, if perhaps the attraction would come. And perhaps if he stopped treating me like a child and doing the controlling thing so much. Of course, I'm obviously not communicating with him by not telling him I don't feel a physical attraction. I'm just not sure how to say that to someone and what can be done about it.

 

I went to IC to try to get a hold on what's going on inside of me and what I really want to achieve in my life. I also hoped to figure out what is going on in me that the attraction isn't there and also why in the world I chose to have an affair -- an action I would have never thought I would have taken.

 

I am starting to feel somewhat better about myself as far as having a right to express myself. I do still feel like I've only made small steps. I feel like more progress needs to be made before I can deal with announcing there's no sexual attraction. I'm not even sure that should ever be announced. It would do a lot of damage also. I just keep hoping if he continues to work with his emotions and communicating and I keep working on things, perhaps we will become more intimate in the marriage and some sort of attraction will be there.

 

Alternatively, I may become strong enough to know I have to take action and not having sexual attraction to my spouse isn't something acceptable. Or perhaps I will learn it's something I can do without when weighed against breaking up my family.

 

I still feel confused and am not quite sure what to do.

[Samantha0905]

Why not?

 

You already had your affair, which you don't want to tell your H about. Obviously, you have your issues to deal with in IC regarding why you chose to have an affair instead of resolving whatever marital problems you have...but you still have those marital problems.

 

What will make you ready for MC? Why do you want to wait?

 

Oh -- and I apologize if I didn't make it clear -- I have told my husband about the affair.

[norajane]

Oh -- and I apologize if I didn't make it clear -- I have told my husband about the affair.

 

Sorry, I think I must have misread part. You did write a lot and I read the whole thing!

 

In that case, I feel even more that MC is the missing link. Your husband obviously must realize or believe that the sexual component of your affair speaks directly to your attraction, or lack thereof, for him! That's the first thing a BS would think. I don't believe it would surprise him in the least to hear that you aren't attracted to him.

 

You have to face that with him in MC. Maybe you don't want to yet, but I'm sure he's been thinking about it ever since you told him about the affair. I'm surprised HE hasn't brought that up to YOU or asked that question!

[Samantha0905]

Samantha, Thanks for sharing the latter (control) information, as it helps to know in putting the picture together.

 

I was wondering if I - or someone is supposed to start a thread about girls / boys night out. I was married for 22 years and didn't feel the need for it .. Evenings and weekends were ours - daytime I could talk or play with the girls ..

 

This isn't the first time it has come up in my wonderment why married couples need time out. Do they feel it revives the marriage and keeps it fresher - or what. Boring as it may be, I would think that two would come closer by inventing things to do with one another - to bring them closer together..

 

And yes, I fully expect this will be addressed by other members, as well .. ha

 

Hi cali -- thanks for contributing to my threads.

 

It's not really "time out" (and by that I mean it isn't time I NEED to have to be AWAY from my spouse) -- I just called it what it is generally called -- it's just time spent with girlfriends. My husband has his time with his friends -- golf, poker night and the like. I think it's healthy to have individual interests and friends, along with doing things together and also jointly as a couple with both male and female friends. I think female bonding is important as well as male bonding.

 

Now, I don't have any male friends I do things with when it's just me and a male friend and my husband doesn't have female friends he does things with -- just him and her. My husband won't even go to a business lunch with just him and one other female present -- he takes a male work associate along.

 

When I do something with my female friends, it's generally an outdoor concert, the movies, or wine/dinner. My husband doesn't have a problem with it. We go out for a date night each week also and generally go to lunch together during the week.

 

I think having our own friends and times spent with them makes both of us happier and healthier. I sure wouldn't say some of the things me and my girlfriends giggle about in mixed company.

 

I will say, I never had a girls' night out and he never had a boys' poker night when the children were here. We were too busy and whatever time we got away from the kids, we spent together. We have always preferred a date night with just us also, as opposed to spending time with other couples.

 

That's all I have on the subject. I suppose it could become a problem if members of a couple spent a lot of time out with friends and hardly any time together.

[Samantha0905]

Sorry, I think I must have misread part. You did write a lot and I read the whole thing!

 

In that case, I feel even more that MC is the missing link. Your husband obviously must realize or believe that the sexual component of your affair speaks directly to your attraction, or lack thereof, for him! That's the first thing a BS would think. I don't believe it would surprise him in the least to hear that you aren't attracted to him.

 

You have to face that with him in MC. Maybe you don't want to yet, but I'm sure he's been thinking about it ever since you told him about the affair. I'm surprised HE hasn't brought that up to YOU or asked that question!

 

I know -- I talk a lot and I type a lot. Thank you for reading it all!

 

Not only has he not brought it up, but he hasn't asked any details about the affair or why I moved out and had one. It's all a bit odd to me and my counselor said many times a BS wants to know every detail and can't seem to let it go. I'm not knocking BS's in that remark -- he was just pointing out I am in many ways fortunate my husband is not obsessed with the details.

 

What my husband did do is start IC because he felt he needed help in expressing his emotions and communicating in general within the marriage. He said he wanted a closer relationship with his spouse and with his children and felt he was hindering those things from happening. When he started IC, he did go out of his way to announce he was going to work on himself and did not want to spend a lot of time discussing his marriage.

 

So, I don't suppose he felt ready either.

 

I know we more than likely need MC. Things feel a bit better, but we're still not broaching the sex subject. I'd say we're pretty dysfunctional right now. I'm sure it will come up eventually.

[2sunny]

i think you are making progress. you are starting to notice little things and are handling them by having a voice and standing strong. this is a good place to start.

 

the bank card... open your own account. i am a believer that every woman should have at least one account in her own name. if he isn't happy about this then something's terribly wrong. every woman should have her own identity and a way to take care of herself in case something were to happen.

 

if need be, share bank info with him if he isn't trusting. this allows you to grow while still showing him you are trustworthy.

 

it also stays away from him manipulating and controlling every dollar in your household. you should always have access to a little money - no matter what. in case of an emergency or otherwise... i call it peace of mind.

 

you are not a child... he needs to understand you intend to be treated as a grown woman.

[norajane]

Not only has he not brought it up, but he hasn't asked any details about the affair or why I moved out and had one. It's all a bit odd to me and my counselor said many times a BS wants to know every detail and can't seem to let it go. I'm not knocking BS's in that remark -- he was just pointing out I am in many ways fortunate my husband is not obsessed with the details.

 

What my husband did do is start IC because he felt he needed help in expressing his emotions and communicating in general within the marriage.

 

Oh, boy. I suspect you're going to get a volcanic eruption once he finally releases what he's got buried.

 

For someone that you describe as controlling to meekly ask nothing about your affair...I don't think you're fortunate. I think you're in for a storm once he finds his voice.

 

And, I'm sorry. Your counselor doesn't sound so great. To tell you that you are fortunate that your H has buried his reaction to your affair?

[Samantha0905]

i think you are making progress. you are starting to notice little things and are handling them by having a voice and standing strong. this is a good place to start.

 

the bank card... open your own account. i am a believer that every woman should have at least one account in her own name. if he isn't happy about this then something's terribly wrong. every woman should have her own identity and a way to take care of herself in case something were to happen.

 

if need be, share bank info with him if he isn't trusting. this allows you to grow while still showing him you are trustworthy.

 

it also stays away from him manipulating and controlling every dollar in your household. you should always have access to a little money - no matter what. in case of an emergency or otherwise... i call it peace of mind.

 

you are not a child... he needs to understand you intend to be treated as a grown woman.

 

Thanks 2sunny! I don't want to misrepresent my husband here. I find the debit card business odd because all of our accounts are joint accounts, so it's not like I don't have access to money. I could get cash -- it's just a pain in the behind when he orders new debit cards and I don't get a PIN to go along with mine. In any event, if something were to happen to him I have access to the accounts. We also own our home jointly and my car is in my name. I have a better credit score than he does -- both are very good.

 

He did, in the last year, finally show me where he keeps all the financial information (mortgages, bills, bank account balances, etc.) on his computer in case something should happen to him. I had complained on and off for years about being clueless as to our finances.

 

I think the history of control -- and the little things still occurring have built up over time. I do feel if I start speaking up and demanding respectful treatment -- even if it's what seems like little things (build up to be a big issue) -- things should get somewhat better in that area.

 

I also think if I felt more treated as an equal and as an adult, perhaps an attraction would be there. I don't know. Our first marriage counselor did try to explain to him he acted like he thought he was my father and women aren't sexually attracted to their fathers. It makes sense to me.

[norajane]

Thanks 2sunny! I don't want to misrepresent my husband here. I find the debit card business odd because all of our accounts are joint accounts, so it's not like I don't have access to money. I could get cash -- it's just a pain in the behind when he orders new debit cards and I don't get a PIN to go along with mine. In any event, if something were to happen to him I have access to the accounts.

 

It's called being passive aggressive. He's not directly addressing with you what is really bothering him, so he's doing other things to annoy and irritate you in other ways.

[Samantha0905]

Oh, boy. I suspect you're going to get a volcanic eruption once he finally releases what he's got buried.

 

For someone that you describe as controlling to meekly ask nothing about your affair...I don't think you're fortunate. I think you're in for a storm once he finds his voice.

 

And, I'm sorry. Your counselor doesn't sound so great. To tell you that you are fortunate that your H has buried his reaction to your affair?

 

He only said that in relation to the question whether people should tell or not. He said he didn't think people necessarily should confess an affair after the fact if they wanted to remain in the marriage. He was saying he was surprised I have not been bombarded with questions wanting details of the actual affair -- sex, etc.

 

He may eventually express his emotions greatly about the affair or the no sex thing, etc. I could probably storm about quite a few things myself. We shall see what happens.

 

As far as my counselor is concerned, I think he's helping me so far.

[Samantha0905]

It's called being passive aggressive. He's not directly addressing with you what is really bothering him, so he's doing other things to annoy and irritate you in other ways.

 

Maybe so. He's done this, however, way before the affair -- all throughout our marriage. I think it's a control thing. He may be being passive aggressive also now though. Oh boy.

[Samantha0905]

Samantha, Ive not followed your first IC thread that was deleted, but I've followed the other ones, and your posts on other threads. JMO, but I think you may be more ready for MC than you think. The things you brought up that make you say you're NOT ready for MC are the perfect issues to discuss IN MC. Many of these things will not resolve themselves on their own without at least discussing them with your H.

 

Thanks for sharing all of this. It takes guts to open up your life for strangers to dissect.

 

Thanks for reading what I've posted. It is difficult to be open to strangers at times. I like being more open, but sometimes things don't come across in type as they are meant. It's difficult when people don't actually know one another.

 

I'm thinking on the MC issue. He planted a seed. Sometimes it takes me a little bit to move along. I do think we're going to eventually have to face the issues.

[norajane]

Maybe so. He's done this, however, way before the affair -- all throughout our marriage. I think it's a control thing. He may be being passive aggressive also now though. Oh boy.

 

It may not be a reaction to the affair at all. He could have been passive aggressive throughout your lives together, having nothing to do with the affair.

 

If he feels he needs counseling to learn how to express his emotions, it's a good bet he has not been directly addressing issues with you the whole time, and has been picking away at you in other ways.

[2sunny]

to begin to live as an individual is key. you are also married and this is part of who you are as well.

 

to be an individual doesn't necessarily equate to taking anything away from your marriage... in fact - it should add to the beauty of the union.

 

how can you bring the whole being of "you" into a marriage if you aren't ever able to act as if you are whole? aren't you essentially taking part of you into the relationship that way.

 

find out what "you" looks like. this is different than who "you" are as a part of your marriage.

[BB07]

Samantha......I have a question for you and I apologize if you've brought it up before and I've missed it.

In two of my past relationships I was involved with men who were controlling and I found myself shutting down sexually with them. Looking back I think it was in response to me being angry about their efforts to control me and I think it was an unconscious thing on my part in that I shut down that part of me in an effort to gain some control of my own back. So I wonder........do you think your lack of being sexually attracted to your h has something to do with anger at his controlling nature and is it possible that this is one way that you are taking some of the control out of his hands by shutting down that aspect of yourself with him?

 

Just food for thought.

[2sunny]

and the med info stuff... IF he asks permission FIRST - it would be ok. he should always ask your permission first. not just take things he wants. he's taking away your peace of mind. he's disrespecting you. it would never look this way if he were to simply ask permission first before every touching or moving your things. when you give permission - he is playing a role of respecting you, your things, and the fact that you expect things to be where you last placed them. if not followed it's just selfish and self center.

 

i even do this with my kids. they do it to me. it's proper order.

[norajane]

Samantha......I have a question for you and I apologize if you've brought it up before and I've missed it.

In two of my past relationships I was involved with men who were controlling and I found myself shutting down sexually with them. Looking back I think it was in response to me being angry about their efforts to control me and I think it was an unconscious thing on my part in that I shut down that part of me in an effort to gain some control of my own back. So I wonder........do you think your lack of being sexually attracted to your h has something to do with anger at his controlling nature and is it possible that this is one way that you are taking some of the control out of his hands by shutting down that aspect of yourself with him?

 

Just food for thought.

 

I agree this could very well be at play.

 

Also, to continue the passive aggressive thoughts...don't be surprised if he has a mountain of issues with you he's never openly discussed, including but not limited to your affair.

 

And consider whether your affair was you being passive aggressive with your H: instead of dealing with your issues with him, such as anger at him being controlling, you chose to hurt him behind his back by having an affair instead.

[Samantha0905]

It may not be a reaction to the affair at all. He could have been passive aggressive throughout your lives together, having nothing to do with the affair.

 

If he feels he needs counseling to learn how to express his emotions, it's a good bet he has not been directly addressing issues with you the whole time, and has been picking away at you in other ways.

 

His parents were real controlling growing up -- conservative. His sister has dealt with an eating disorder all her life (about control), one of his brothers has had trouble with drugs (a lot) and says he's bipolar and the other brother is so eccentric he has now moved a bed into his living room, so he can close off rooms in the house to save on electricity. He has plenty of money. The family is well off. I just feel there must have been some sort of dynamic growing up in that family which wasn't quite right.

 

My husband's counselor said he puts up walls as a defense to stop people from getting close to him. I think he's even done that with me and the kids to an extent and has never developed well as far as expressing emotions and being intimate is concerned.

 

I think he does it out of fear. His counselor told him the same thing and said they had to figure out what he is so afraid is going to happen.

 

to begin to live as an individual is key. you are also married and this is part of who you are as well.

 

to be an individual doesn't necessarily equate to taking anything away from your marriage... in fact - it should add to the beauty of the union.

 

how can you bring the whole being of "you" into a marriage if you aren't ever able to act as if you are whole? aren't you essentially taking part of you into the relationship that way.

 

find out what "you" looks like. this is different than who "you" are as a part of your marriage.

 

I think so also 2sunny. I don't know how many times he's patted my leg for me to be quiet when I want to express my opinion. I am not an unreasonable or rude person. I am intelligent and have an opinion, however, and it has always bothered me when he's tried to squelch me from expressing it.

 

The last part you typed -- finding out what me looks like -- that's what my therapist felt the goal of my therapy should be. He said I needed to find out who I am, what I want and to express myself.

 

Samantha......I have a question for you and I apologize if you've brought it up before and I've missed it.

In two of my past relationships I was involved with men who were controlling and I found myself shutting down sexually with them. Looking back I think it was in response to me being angry about their efforts to control me and I think it was an unconscious thing on my part in that I shut down that part of me in an effort to gain some control of my own back. So I wonder........do you think your lack of being sexually attracted to your h has something to do with anger at his controlling nature and is it possible that this is one way that you are taking some of the control out of his hands by shutting down that aspect of yourself with him?

 

Just food for thought.

 

I should have hired you as my counselor. Thanks BB! Yes, it could very well be anger issues and my way of controlling the situation. It does also make a person much less sexually attractive when they treat their spouse that way. He's not an unattractive man -- in fact, quite the opposite. I think maybe I have just become so frustrated with how he has treated me over the years -- more childlike -- it has made me not feel an attraction to him. I suppose there could be plenty of repressed anger that is lending to the lack of sexual attraction. That's why I'm hopeful if we could both learn from our counseling sessions -- me to express myself as an equal adult -- and him emotionally -- and both of communicate better -- things may get better. I sure hope so.

[2sunny]

if i had spent my married life being unhappy and it was due to being treated like a child and i intended to find out what happy looked like for ME - i would become willing to try the opposite in my marriage in every area.

 

every area. have an opinion, have a voice. speak YOUR truth... no matter what. take action on what you believe is your truth. start participating in all of these areas... you will grow and learn about yourself. he can choose to either participate or not - that's HIS choice.

 

expect the changes to make him uncomfortable, at least at first. he's not used to this, remember? be quiet little girl, be a good girl, do as i say little girl.

 

you are not THAT little girl anymore. show him that you will never be THAT girl again. you will have backlash... stay strong, stay focused. it's an uphill battle to find ourselves... to stay neutral and on path is key.

 

do not get angry that he gets confused with the "new" woman you intend to become - it's foreign to him. be patient as he adjusts to change... it will not be easy - but it is sooooo worth it.

 

he is adjusting to the strong woman you were always intended to be. be true to self. what he does or doesn't do is beside the point. YOU are becoming YOU. let him become who he intends to be.

 

anything opposite of the old you is key - be willing to try anything but what you USED to do. this will always get you change - a new results.

 

speak up. do it nicely and honestly. it will mean something to yourself and to others.

[2sunny]

one of his brothers has had trouble with drugs (a lot) and says he's bipolar and the other brother is so eccentric he has now moved a bed into his living room, so he can close off rooms in the house to save on electricity. He has plenty of money.

 

this is very odd...

 

could it be that he doesn't feel safe unless he's in a small space? closing out the rest of the world? to keep certain areas of his life closed off in order to have the delusion of being safe? to hide from the areas around him? if i keep my past at bay i don't have to face the reality of what it may actually look like?

 

hmmmm, not the usual....

[norajane]

this is very odd...

 

could it be that he doesn't feel safe unless he's in a small space? closing out the rest of the world? to keep certain areas of his life closed off in order to have the delusion of being safe? to hide from the areas around him? if i keep my past at bay i don't have to face the reality of what it may actually look like?

 

hmmmm, not the usual....

 

Makes me wonder if there's more to their "controlling, conservative" parents than any of the three brothers are willing to face.

[2sunny]

Makes me wonder if there's more to their "controlling, conservative" parents than any of the three brothers are willing to face.

 

something's terribly wrong and nobody's willing to talk their truth...