shadowplay Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 A pattern of past relationships just occurred to me. Maybe it's because I find them less threatening, but I've made the mistake of often dating guys who have less to offer than I do (whether it's intelligence, attractiveness, whatever). This isn't just my perception. Other people will volunteer that I can do better, even though I'm happy with these men when I'm dating them. I also perceive qualities in these guys that others might not appreciate, or might not even be there at all, as I later discover. Too often I mistake their lack of confidence for sweetness. I get taken in by hearing about their past relationship woes or rejections. They are usually self-designated nice guys who pick on other guys for being jerks. On some level perhaps I falsely assume this means they are less likely to hurt me. This isn't always true (wasn't for my ex ex), but typically they'll idealize me and then dump me for no particular reason once things start to get a little serious. It's almost as if the fact that they snagged me gives them an ego boost that makes them think they can have their pickings. Typically, they're inexperienced, so maybe the logic is if they got me that must mean a world of women awaits them. They go on to pursue other girls, and then, after a series of bruising rejections and dating experiences, come crawling back to me eventually saying they can't find another girl who has all of my qualities AND is interested in them. This has happened in every single case except for one. I even had a guy email me three years later that he had never forgiven himself for breaking up with me and then proceeded to shower me in compliments and hit on me in the email. I have another ex who dumped me 7 years ago and still routinely talks about marrying me and wanting to get back together with me despite the fact that I've made it clear I'm not interested. At this point I've always moved on and feel like knocking them over the head and saying, "then why the fck did you ruin a good thing when you had it?" I am currently taking apart and reconfiguring my people picker.
RobM Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Sometimes I think you just need to relax and live life and not over analyze everything, everybody, every word and phrase and action. Find something else to devote all your passion to, school, hobbies, something. Devote for time and efforts to yourself, to making yourself happy, doing what puts a smile on your face and stop thinking about guys and relations so much.
Lakeside_runner Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 (edited) Sometimes I think you just need to relax and live life and not over analyze everything, everybody, every word and phrase and action. Find something else to devote all your passion to, school, hobbies, something. Devote for time and efforts to yourself, to making yourself happy, doing what puts a smile on your face and stop thinking about guys and relations so much. Amen Brother!!! @Shadow: GO - be happy with yourself! Do somethig with YOUR life! Edited April 24, 2010 by Lakeside_runner
Bartender Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I really can't help with any input on this as I sound like I could be one of the guys that you're referring to:p We do this type of thing because we get comfortable, bored, etc. and don't know a good thing till it's gone. I did this with my daughters mother and was soo confident that ending things was the best way to go only to turn into a complete maniac trying to get her back at all costs only 3 months later............but of course it was too late.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I used to do this too, find a social outcast or someone that would have a heck of a time getting a gf and date them. Often I would just get sick of their garbage or they would just dump me. One guy was a 33 year old virgin (not by choice) who worked as a security guard at the mall. He didn't want the top post at the mall (there were 3 guards) because it was too political (!). He had very little personality and I made more money as a cashier. I was 20 and cute. After we went out a couple of times we kissed and he got so crazy he started asking out my friends and every girl around my age! I asked him wtf? He said, "I never thought a girl your age would be attracted to me so I wanted to see what my options were." Turns out there weren't anymore. Still single and I am 27 now!
Ruby Slippers Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 He said, "I never thought a girl your age would be attracted to me so I wanted to see what my options were." Turns out there weren't anymore. Yes. I dated this kind of nerdy (but really smart and cute) guy in my early 20s. In the beginning, he said I was gorgeous, amazing, so cool and hip, blah blah. He asked for my help in spiffing up his wardrobe, his social circle widened substantially while we were together, and his confidence went way up. In the end, he told me I wasn't attractive enough for him and said he really wanted a Barbie type who wore a lot of jewelry. (The jewelry part was funny.) No surprise, he didn't find one, and months later he said he was alone and miserable and leaving me was the biggest mistake of his life. Lesson learned.
Author shadowplay Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 Amen Brother!!! @Shadow: GO - be happy with yourself! Do somethig with YOUR life! I'm doing it! I've been getting my life in order since my last breakup. But that doesn't mean I don't have time to vent on LS when I feel like it.
Author shadowplay Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 Yes. I dated this kind of nerdy (but really smart and cute) guy in my early 20s. In the beginning, he said I was gorgeous, amazing, so cool and hip, blah blah. Lesson learned. Yes! -----
Woggle Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Nice guys who manage to snag an attractive, smart and good hearted woman often are in complete shock that they did. They have a hard time believing it is real. I get like this my wife sometimes. I sometimes look at our marriage and can't believe that it actually happened.
alphamale Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I am currently taking apart and reconfiguring my people picker. thats probably a good idea shadowplay
threebyfate Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Good idea about honing your people picker. But also, once you've established what you want, don't forget about self-improvement without the need to self-flagellate to the detriment of self-worth. Also, when looking internally, stop the perfectionism. Remember that every good trait is the flipside of every bad trait. Weigh all sides and decide what's worth changing.
Author shadowplay Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 (edited) Good idea about honing your people picker. But also, once you've established what you want, don't forget about self-improvement without the need to self-flagellate to the detriment of self-worth. Also, when looking internally, stop the perfectionism. Remember that every good trait is the flipside of every bad trait. Weigh all sides and decide what's worth changing. I'm not suggesting by any means that I'm anywhere close to perfect, nor do I ever expect to be perfect. I know I have a lot of self improvements to make. That said, I still think that I have more to offer than most of the guys I've dated. Edited April 24, 2010 by shadowplay
threebyfate Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I'm not suggesting by any means that I'm anywhere near perfect. I know I have a lot of self improvements to make. That said, I still think that I have more to offer than most of the guys I've dated.I agree that you've had more to offer than the two guys that you've posted about since joining LS. Even the Harvard guy was kind of...errr...lame, no disrespect directed to you. As for what I previously stated about self-improvement, honing your people picker will be an ongoing process since your needs will change as you self-improve, so you'll have to amend your requirements to accommodate.
Mr White Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Many guys lack sufficient self-awareness, and that has nothing to do with level of "niceness". Moreover, women are just as likely - if not more so - to make the stupid assumption that they can "do better" and end a relationship for no good reason. So, this is an issue of maturity more than anything else...
Author shadowplay Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 On a related note my ex-ex (our relationship ended over five months ago), is trying to get back with me now. He's telling me that he realized how much he mistreated me and that he really loves me and that there aren't many girls like me. This is the same guy who repeatedly brought me to tears and treated me like trash. Of course, I have no interest whatsoever and have told him that. Still, it's a bit puzzling to me that this keeps happening.
alphamale Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 you like the drama of the bad boy...."nice guy" would do none of this stuff you mentioned
threebyfate Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 On a related note my ex-ex (our relationship ended over five months ago), is trying to get back with me now. He's telling me that he realized how much he mistreated me and that he really loves me and that there aren't many girls like me. This is the same guy who repeatedly brought me to tears and treated me like trash. Of course, I have no interest whatsoever and have told him that. Still, it's a bit puzzling to me that this keeps happening.Male ego is a strange creature. Don't even bother trying to figure it out. It's not worth it.
Author shadowplay Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 you like the drama of the bad boy...."nice guy" would do none of this stuff you mentioned I seem to be bad at differentiating between nice guys and not-so-nice guys during the early stages of a relationship. All of these guys had me fooled. That's why my people picker needs an overhaul. Also, I'm trying to learn how to detach at the first signs of trouble, rather than clinging to something unhealthy.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 you like the drama of the bad boy...."nice guy" would do none of this stuff you mentioned Many unscrupulous men pretend to be nice guys in the beginning, and they can be extremely convincing.
alphamale Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I seem to be bad at differentiating between nice guys and not-so-nice guys during the early stages of a relationship. All of these guys had me fooled. the "nice guy" is the nerdy, fat, ugly one who's wearing clothes from the 1980s and has bad shoes
dreamingoftigers Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 the "nice guy" is the nerdy, fat, ugly one who's wearing clothes from the 1980s and has bad shoes Alphamale, could you give me his number?
Citizen Erased Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Do you realise you've started 19 threads this month shadow? Must be a record.
Kamille Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Also, I'm trying to learn how to detach at the first signs of trouble, rather than clinging to something unhealthy. The trick is to attach slowly! That way you can stay alert to the signs of trouble and not attach until a man has earned your trust.
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