carhill Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Sounds like he'll be doing the rebounding while separated, since his separation will go on for years, like some couples I've known. If it takes ten years to get divorced, both parties IME have moved on, and some marry immediately, after having lived with their new partner during the divorce process. He sounds like one of those. Every duck will line up.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 I have a feeling he'll back too. Thanks all.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 I guess something I've learned through this is what I don't want. Just because a car looks good on the outside doesn't mean it looks good on the inside.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 Funny they say that hindsight is 20/20. The more I think about it the better I feel because although it wasn't easy it was the right thing to do. I deserve more.
Philetus Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I never thought I would say that I'm dating a separated man. We've been seeing each other for the last six weeks. He's sweet, outgoing, successful, a good dad, nice looking, and we have great communication. He told me a couple of weeks ago, since he was married for five years and has only been separated for six months or so, that he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship with all of the bells and whistles. So we decided taking it slow was the best thing for us. I have never taken it slow myself, always jumping head first into things, so for my own reasons I think this is a good idea. He says he doesn't love her and never did, but he had gotten her pregnant and thought the right thing to do was marry her. He loves being a dad and I can't fault him for that. However, he is stalling on the divorce process. I believe him when he says that he doesn't want her back. He states that the whole custody thing as well as finances have a role as to why he hasn't filed yet. Ok, so knowing all of this....I do still like him. However, I'm seriously in a head vs. heart deal right now....how do I proceed here? Wait? Set a timeline? What shots can I call right now? Like I said, we've discussed and mutually agreed that we're not dating other people or having sex with other people. I'm just lost. I have no reason to believe he isn't being honest with me. I just don't know what to do. I'm a man who is recently separated (2.5 months) and I was married for 19 years. I have two kids (teenagers). Like your fella', I'm also not ready for a full-blown emotional relationship with all the bells and whistles. If he's like me, he probably loves the ego boost he gets from you, knowing that someone can find him attractive/desirable but he fears making another commitment. He may also have a desire to 'play the field'. However, since he wasn't married as long as I was, it may not be as strong in him. I have trouble with the 'he never did' love his ex-wife bit. That sounds like he may be hiding that he still does have feelings for her. He's trying to dismiss any concerns you may have by saying I NEVER loved this woman. It's fishy. While I'm not stalling on my divorce I'm also not rushing ahead with it either. I identify with the complications that he's expressing. I don't want my kids to become 'suitcase' kids (living with one parent one week, the other the next) and I won't accept partial custody (it must be equal). There are also financial considerations especially if he has a house - a house where his kids grew up. My ex and I are trying to sort out our business BEFORE making it legal. It doesn't sound like your content with the current situation, you like him, and you believe he's been honest with you, so I think you should open up and talk to him about your concerns. Try to sympathize about the difficulties with his situation but be firm about what you can accept as the relationship continues. If he can't give you that, then you have to make a decision. My advice would be to leave him. He may just need more time to sort out his priorities, or to sort out how to fulfill his kids' needs while fulfilling his own.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 Well said and I appreciate your perspectives on things. To be honest I just think there were things he wasn't telling me and he wasn't opening up in the slightest. What started out as "taking it slow" became a total standstill and he was mostly calling the shots about hanging out and when and how often. I was understanding of his situation but came to realize I just wasn't comfortable being with someone who has no idea when/why/how/if he's getting divorced. I had talked to him about my concerns but as time passed it was clear to me that dating was not something he could really invest himself into at all. I need some sort of emotional connection and it was plain to see he couldn't provide that. I am giving him time to sort out his priorities but without dating him. Maybe someday but I am not waiting around to see "if" he comes around.
Philetus Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Well said and I appreciate your perspectives on things. To be honest I just think there were things he wasn't telling me and he wasn't opening up in the slightest. What started out as "taking it slow" became a total standstill and he was mostly calling the shots about hanging out and when and how often. I was understanding of his situation but came to realize I just wasn't comfortable being with someone who has no idea when/why/how/if he's getting divorced. I had talked to him about my concerns but as time passed it was clear to me that dating was not something he could really invest himself into at all. I need some sort of emotional connection and it was plain to see he couldn't provide that. I am giving him time to sort out his priorities but without dating him. Maybe someday but I am not waiting around to see "if" he comes around. Seems to me you did exactly the right thing. All the best.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 Thank you. Sucks to do the right thing because it's more difficult. Weird.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 Aside: Can someone please explain why I feel like such crap even though what I did was the right thing? I mean I know this is a completely unrealistic relationship because it cant even be one, but I still hurt. I hate this.
EasyHeart Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Because you like him and you're attracted to him, so you feel like crap because you've lost the potential for a relationship with this guy. The thing to remember is that the potential relationship was just a fantasy. This guy is emotionally unavailable, and it's pretty much certain that he could never have given you what you want from a relationship. Whenever we meet a new person that we're attracted to, we project our fantasies on them. They become our perfect mate. That's the infatuation stage of the relationship. It usually takes a few months for reality to set in, and you start seeing the real person. That's where the hurt comes in, as you start to realize (and many of us cling to the fantasy) that they are not the person you wanted them to be.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 Because you like him and you're attracted to him, so you feel like crap because you've lost the potential for a relationship with this guy. The thing to remember is that the potential relationship was just a fantasy. This guy is emotionally unavailable, and it's pretty much certain that he could never have given you what you want from a relationship. Whenever we meet a new person that we're attracted to, we project our fantasies on them. They become our perfect mate. That's the infatuation stage of the relationship. It usually takes a few months for reality to set in, and you start seeing the real person. That's where the hurt comes in, as you start to realize (and many of us cling to the fantasy) that they are not the person you wanted them to be. Yes, I would have to agree with what you said. I would always find something missing. I hate having to go back to the drawing board again but patterns (like me with emotionally unavailable men) are to be broken. My turnaround time was pretty good here. But yes I feel like crap because while I don't think I wasted my time I do think that it was just too bad and honestly although I don't think he's malicious he didn't know what he wanted and I didn't want to stick around to "hope" he would figure it out.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted April 27, 2010 Author Posted April 27, 2010 Also, it didn't occur to me until today, that I dodged a serious bullet. The tears I'm crying now are nothing compared to what they would have been had I stayed around.
Misssky Posted May 1, 2010 Posted May 1, 2010 I'm going through exactly the same thing at moment. It has been carried on for 5 month, he got all kid, finance issue, and not ready for anything. I couldn't handle it anymore, so sent him sms on Monday says we should just be friends with eachother... He didn't reply, so called him on Tuesday, he sound very upset...i feel so painful too... I'm glade find your people's post today, at least i know it's a right thing to do.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted May 1, 2010 Author Posted May 1, 2010 Ya, I know it's rough, but it was the right thing to do. I still think about him everyday but I just wasn't getting what I wanted from the situation and it didn't seem that I would. I have this idea that I would be the one who would open his eyes and have him want to be with me but as others have said, I needed to be with someone who CAN be with me emotionally and is fully available.
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