Dating a Separated Man, to do or not to do?

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I never thought I would say that I'm dating a separated man. We've been seeing each other for the last six weeks. He's sweet, outgoing, successful, a good dad, nice looking, and we have great communication.

 

He told me a couple of weeks ago, since he was married for five years and has only been separated for six months or so, that he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship with all of the bells and whistles. So we decided taking it slow was the best thing for us. I have never taken it slow myself, always jumping head first into things, so for my own reasons I think this is a good idea.

 

He says he doesn't love her and never did, but he had gotten her pregnant and thought the right thing to do was marry her. He loves being a dad and I can't fault him for that.

 

However, he is stalling on the divorce process. I believe him when he says that he doesn't want her back. He states that the whole custody thing as well as finances have a role as to why he hasn't filed yet.

 

Ok, so knowing all of this....I do still like him. However, I'm seriously in a head vs. heart deal right now....how do I proceed here? Wait? Set a timeline? What shots can I call right now? Like I said, we've discussed and mutually agreed that we're not dating other people or having sex with other people.

 

I'm just lost. I have no reason to believe he isn't being honest with me. I just don't know what to do.

[CarrieT]

Well, you KNOW he is good at lying. Not even related to you, he obviously lied to the woman he married otherwise she never would have married him (women don't marry guys they get pregnant with if the guy isn't saying "I love you" somewhere along the way).

 

Personally, I would never get involved with a guy who isn't 100% able to commit to a relationship.

 

I wouldn't give him a time line. I would go NC and find someone who IS available and not giving you the runaround.

[2sunny]

are you saying you have had sex? taking it slow doesn't include sex...

[EasyHeart]

Take it slow and give him time -- as long as what you're looking for is an emotionally unavailable man who is going to use you, treat you like crap and throw you away like a piece of garbage.

 

Is this even a serious question? Run the **** away from him, delete his phone number and email address, and never look back. Quit acting like a dumbass.

[carhill]

I'll share what I know:

 

Generally, the consensus amongst LS ladies (I posted a thread on this) is that they would *not* date a separated man, even if he or his spouse had already filed for divorce.

 

We are in the end stages of the legal divorce process and, IME, it makes little to no difference as to the 'when' wrt property and/or custody issues. There are no winners in divorce, only levels of losing. Even the 'best' scenario is a painful ending, intellectually, emotionally and financially.

 

IMO, this guy is looking for ego validation and sexual companionship as an already married man. I say that as a man. It's up to you whether that aligns with what you want.

 

How long has he been living separately from his wife? If he has, how does his place appear to you? Does he look 'settled' there? As an example, my stbx and I have lived separately for over a year, each own our own homes and each are furnished to our own tastes (she got most of the 'marital' stuff). I 'feel' settled. However, my perception is irrelevant to how a woman might perceive my circumstances. What I see as 'settled' may not be how she sees it. I accept that. What do you see?

[2sunny]

his actions will always tell you more than his words.

 

back away. no sex. no dates until his divorce is final. then you will know he is available. and you will not run the risk of getting terribly hurt while he goes through the painful process divorce brings.

 

you will get access to his healthy side if you wait until he's divorced (past tense). to stay involved while he's going through all the garbage in the meantime is like dragging yourself through the sewer in order to get a bath.

 

let him deal with the sewer. stay away from the sewer. enter the picture only when the sewer is no longer the sewer. the waters are murky for him - wait until the water runs clear.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I think backing away is the right thing to do. I suppose it would be a dumbass move to get really involved emotionally with someone who isn't ready. Just sucks.

[2sunny]

if he hasn't even filed yet - that tells you EVERYTHING. a man that INTENDS to get divorced files papers.

 

he's not there yet.

 

he's willing to toy with you while he's still making up his mind about his marriage... or maybe his wife is making the decision for both of them and he's just waiting to see what her decision will be. the later is the most likely scenario...

 

step away from his indecisiveness - only date when his divorce is final - that way you understand his words match his intentions and actions.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

You're all right.

[2sunny]

I think backing away is the right thing to do. I suppose it would be a dumbass move to get really involved emotionally with someone who isn't ready. Just sucks.

 

i know it hurts. hugs. it guards you from the inevitable pain dating a man going through divorce brings though.

 

let him know when he is divorced you would love to hear from him.

 

in the meantime get out and stay busy being happy - enjoying the company of available men.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

I know. It would be easier if I just let things fade away.....

[2sunny]

I know. It would be easier if I just let things fade away.....

 

no. be perfectly clear with him. this way he understands when he IS divorced you would love for him to call you.

 

"when you are actually divorced i would be honored to spend time with you."

[Loquacious Miss L.]

That's a good idea.

[norajane]

However, he is stalling on the divorce process. I believe him when he says that he doesn't want her back. He states that the whole custody thing as well as finances have a role as to why he hasn't filed yet.

 

What does that even mean? What role?

 

He'd rather their finances remain commingled? With no legally documented custody rights and child support obligations?

 

He wants to keep things as they are...remaining married?

 

Because that's kinda what it sounds like, unless he specified what it is that is preventing him from filing instead of just giving you some vague excuse.

[Ruby Slippers]

Another vote for ending it. If he wants to get in touch AFTER the divorce is finalized AND he's ready for "the bells and whistles", you'll see.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Ya...not a pretty picture. I hate this especially since I know the right thing to do.

[RainDown]

I have to agree with everyone else. This is not a good situation. And, not to split hairs, he's not even separated. He's married, currently living separately from his wife. Until papers are filed, he's married period. Once he reaches the stage of filing papers, then he'll be legally "separated", which is better, but still married.

 

I'd put him on the back burner and I'd tell him exactly why. "You're married, and I'm not comfortable with that." If he starts with the finances and custody business and all that, tell him you'll discuss all of that when he is no longer married. He needs to understand that MARRIED = NOT DATING YOU.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

Update: thanks everyone. I got the cajones b/c of you guys to call it off with him. I said that I was developing feelings for him and I couldn't continue like this. He said he understood and that he didn't think that even a month from now that he would be able to give me what I need. He also said he didn't want to hurt me. This is hard because I really like him. But it's what's right.

[RainDown]

I'm sorry. I know you liked him. It's always a shame when bad timing makes it impossible for a relationship to evolve naturally. Who knows, maybe or year or two down the road the timing and the circumstances will be better for you two.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[D-Lish]

I'm sorry you are going through this LML.

 

It seems you did the right thing here. If he's not ready, there isn't anything you can do to change that unfortunately. Nor can he for that matter, it's a process he has to go through.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

That's okay. We decided to be friends right now. I told him if he is ready and I'm single, then maybe we can try then. Better now than later when I had more feelings invested. He actually said he had wanted to have the same convo with me actually.

[CarrieT]

Good girl. Try and establish NC though -- it could be easy to backslide if you guys try to "remain friends" through it all.

[Loquacious Miss L.]

That is my plan:)

[carhill]

He'll be in touch. They always do. Be clear that he is not to contact you, if ever, until after he has that little seal from the court on his divorce judgment and orders. Listen to his response. It will be indicative of the kind of man he is. Good luck.

[EasyHeart]

And after he has that little gold seal, come back here and read all the threads about recently divorced men and rebound relationships.