Cinderella7 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I've been dating a guy for the last 3 months or so. The first two months we were dating was great. He was very interested in me, wanted me to meet his family, told me how important I was to him, called & texted me almost daily, did what he was he was going to do, took me to nice dinners all the time, brought me gifts, etc. The whole 9 yards. We also weren't physically intimate, we talked about it & both came to the decision we didn't want to rush into anything. The last month has been a little weird. He's been very busy with work, so we hadn't talked or seen each other as much. His busy period ended a little bit ago, and we spoke a few days later on the phone. He told me how glad he was it was over, told me how much he missed me, and invited me to have dinner the following night. We had a great dinner. Everything was fun and normal and comfortable with us, like nothing had changed in the last month. Since we have been dating for 3 months & I was becoming more & more emotionally involved, I figured it was time to have "the talk". So I just brought it up, saying, "I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but we have been dating for a few months now, and I'm wondering where you see this relationship going." He responded by saying that he wasn't seeing anyone else and he thought the relationship was going in a good direction. That seemed like a positive answer, so I asked him if we were still seeing other people or if we were going to date exclusively. Here's where I got blindsided: he said he still expects to be able to see other people, and that I could if I wanted. Then there was an awkward pause and he said, "Honestly, I haven't thought much about it. Let me think about it." After that awkward conversation, where I got an answer I clearly wasn't expecting, we hung for another 45 minutes and everything between us was fine. He was very affectionate towards me and brought up celebrating his birthday (which was this week) together. This was Monday night. I haven't heard from him since then. I have not contacted him either. I've thought about what he said a lot & I've decided that I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship with someone who needs "think about" whether or not we should be exclusive, particularly after 3 months of dating. I feel like it's either something you know or you don't. I sent him a text on his birthday, which he responded to, but that was it (I know he was expecting a phone call). If he does call, I am going to tell him that I'm not interested in seeing him anymore, because we want different things, and I want someone who knows they want to be with me. Is this the right decision? Most of the time I feel really good about it, but occasionally I wonder if I pushed for too much too soon, or if I'm giving up on this guy too quickly. I really really like him, but I don't want to invest anymore energy in someone who can't commit.
EthanH Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 ok I'm just going to be really honest and tell you I think you are being really silly. First of all, what he said when you were having dinner...that he needed to think about it, I think that was really mature. I doubt he had thought about it BECAUSE he didn't know what you were thinking before you had 'the chat'... what is the point in thinking about being exclusive when you aren't sure what the other person thinks? it's pointless. One thing I have noticed on here, people are really silly when it comes to staying in contact, sometimes there is no problem, but people think there are some kind of rules (I'm not going to contact him/her until he/her contacts me is one of my favourite absurdities)... it's crazy... and you are both as bad as each other. I think he likes you too, but it is a big much to throw a big serious chat at him and expect him to know exactly what he wants, especially as you have only been dating 3 months. It doesn't mean he isn't serious about you, he maybe just was enjoying things. You are making a problem when there might not be anything to worry about, an extreme over-reaction. Take the bull by the horns, send him a text and arrange to meet, then speak to each other openly and honestly and stop behaving like kids. Also, look at it from his point of view, he is with a girl he hasn't slept with yet, and yet he already has to tell her is serious about her...i'm not sure why you waited (age, religion etc?)... but if you both like each other, why wait? I'm guessing there doesn't seem to be a lot of chemistry? I think that is more of a problem than the serious thing... ALSO, it just hit me, I don't know if you just omitted it from your post. But did you tell him you wanted something more serious?
Krytie TV Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I am in full support of you not staying with this person if he is not ready to be committed after 3 months. Life's too short to waste more time there. However, I think you need to tell him what you think. Maybe he's trying to read your stance on the matter. Have you told him you want commitment? Do so, then if he balks, walk.
Author Cinderella7 Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 I thought it was pretty obvious, by me being the one to bring it up, that I wanted something more than what we were currently doing. Plus, even after that conversation, I didn't hear from him - no texts, phone calls, nothing. I know I didn't call on his birthday and he may be mad about that, so I'm not sure what to do. Regarding another poster's question, I don't think there's no problem with lack of chemistry or attraction on either side. I think it's just better if you wait to get to know and really like someone before sex, and he agrees with me. It's just all of his actions for a long time said he wanted to be exclusive, but when it came time to actually commit, he couldn't/wouldn't/needed to think about it. This was hurtful and confusing to me. I just don't know what to do.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Yes, you are making the right decision. This isn't going anywhere. Sorry. But better to get out now before you get any more attached.
Author Cinderella7 Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 I'm torn between whether or not to call him and tell him my thoughts/officially end it or do the disappearing act. I HATE the disappearing act a lot (I think it's rude, cowardly, etc.)., but at the same time, he hasn't picked up the phone either. He can't care/be that bothered by it if he hasn't called me.
spookie Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 to be honest, it sounds like hes already done the disappearing act on you. by waiting so long to initiate contact after THAT conversation, he's making sure his actions are in line with his words. i doubt he's mad about the birthday. in my experience most men don't really give a crap about that, and if he'd wanted to spend it with you, he'd have followed through with your plans to do so and made it happen. id cut him out, if i were you.
Author Cinderella7 Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 to be honest, it sounds like hes already done the disappearing act on you. by waiting so long to initiate contact after THAT conversation, he's making sure his actions are in line with his words. i doubt he's mad about the birthday. in my experience most men don't really give a crap about that, and if he'd wanted to spend it with you, he'd have followed through with your plans to do so and made it happen. id cut him out, if i were you. Good point re: disappearing act. I really honestly think he assumed I'd call him on his birthday & we'd make plans, and I probably threw him off when that didn't happen. Regardless, he still has not picked up the phone, and that alone speaks volumes about how he feels. I just wish I could figure out why he spent so much time/money/energy on getting to know me for two months only to turn around & not want to commit to anything down the road.
D-Lish Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 It's always a mistake for the woman to bring up "the talk". Especially when you are already feeling some distance. If you need to ask where things are heading, chances are very good that you have to ask because things aren't heading where you want them to. He's been clear, he isn't as invested as you are and he still wants to see other people. I wouldn't stick around.
ADF Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 You're making the right decision. You and this man are clearly not on the same page. He is waffling about it, probably because he wants to keep you around as a backup. Don't let him.
Yandere Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 yup, follow your gut feeling.. which means dont bother contacting him again.
Ronni_W Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I vote for "too much, too soon". It was only three (3) months - no wonder the guy had not yet thought about it and, thus, still had to think about it. I would have given him high marks for being honest and telling [you] what was actually going on for/with him. Who could, honestly and wholeheartedly, "commit" after only three (3) months...besides someone who is clingy, needy and/or desperate to be in a relationship? Good lawd, I take longer to "commit" to a new pair of shoes, or jeans, or a different haircut!
Rittenhouse Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 (edited) Cinderella, I think you handled this very well. I am sorry that things didn't work out between the two of you, but you need to move on. The only way you might have done better, would have been to tell him at your last dinner that you didn't want to continue. I know you were caught off guard by what he said, but when you ask a question, you have to be prepared for various different replies. As for why he invested the effort in you and then lost interest, I don't have an easy answer. This has happened to me with women, and it is very frustrating not knowing what they are thinking and what went wrong. If it's really bothering you, I would try to find some friends of his, and talk to them. Do you have any mutual acquaintances who you could talk to, who could shed any light on this? It sounds like the guy has some personal issues, that's about all I can say. Edited April 25, 2010 by Rittenhouse style
befreckled Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 There have been a few occasions where I've brought up the talk and it has NEVER gone well. You have dealt with it in absolute grace. Three months is a fair amount of time to decide things should take a more exclusive direction. I would leave things as they are. You made your case, and you don't want to see other people. So, if he doesn't come around to it..then it's time to let him go. I wouldn't bother calling him.
phineas Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I don't buy a car without test driving it. I 've done the commit thing before i've slept with a woman & the sex turned out to be awful. No oral, missionary & in the bed only & once a week if that. I'm thinking when he got busy he was banging someone else. That's why he wasn't ready to commit. No sex for 3 months? something is wrong there when it's the guy wanting to take it slow.
Author Cinderella7 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 I don't buy a car without test driving it. I 've done the commit thing before i've slept with a woman & the sex turned out to be awful. No oral, missionary & in the bed only & once a week if that. I'm thinking when he got busy he was banging someone else. That's why he wasn't ready to commit. No sex for 3 months? something is wrong there when it's the guy wanting to take it slow. I can confirm that he was not getting sex from anywhere else, based on the amount time we spent together/talking. Please elaborate on the 'something must be wrong' comment. After two months of dating, I said I was ready to be intimate and he told me he still wanted to wait a little while. I don't think it had anything to do with him being physically attracted to me or not; I'm a very attractive girl and he made it very clear he was physically attracted to me.
Author Cinderella7 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 There have been a few occasions where I've brought up the talk and it has NEVER gone well. You have dealt with it in absolute grace. Three months is a fair amount of time to decide things should take a more exclusive direction. I would leave things as they are. You made your case, and you don't want to see other people. So, if he doesn't come around to it..then it's time to let him go. I wouldn't bother calling him. Thanks for your insight. Except, looking back, the one thing I didn't do that I wish I had was state that I was looking for something more. He said he expected to be able to see other people, I said okay, and dropped it. Or is it implied that by bringing up the talk I expect and want more out of the relationship? I'm waffling a bit on my decision to 100% end it now. A few people in my life have suggested that I brought it up too soon & should have given him time to reconnect with me following his busy period at work, where we didn't see each other or talk nearly as much. Would doing that have made a difference? I'm a little confused and wondering what/if I should do anything now. I would like to try to talk to him and figure this out a little bit, because I really cared about him and I thought he felt that way about me, but at the same time, I want to preserve my dignity as well.
Krytie TV Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I advise that you not bother asking people what to do. You have absolutely no clue what you want and seem to be absolutely smitten/into this guy. All you're doing is making justification after justifation about contacting him.
Rittenhouse Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Thanks for your insight. Except, looking back, the one thing I didn't do that I wish I had was state that I was looking for something more. He said he expected to be able to see other people, I said okay, and dropped it. Or is it implied that by bringing up the talk I expect and want more out of the relationship? I'm waffling a bit on my decision to 100% end it now. A few people in my life have suggested that I brought it up too soon & should have given him time to reconnect with me following his busy period at work, where we didn't see each other or talk nearly as much. Would doing that have made a difference? I'm a little confused and wondering what/if I should do anything now. I would like to try to talk to him and figure this out a little bit, because I really cared about him and I thought he felt that way about me, but at the same time, I want to preserve my dignity as well. I don't think it would hurt to call him and try to clear the air about this-- I don't think that would be giving up your dignity-- but I don't think it's going to change much either, other than maybe making you feel a little better. You've dropped enough hints, he didn't follow through with you about celebrating his birthday, so for whatever reason he just doesn't want to escalate things right now. You can talk to him and try to stay friends, but I think you need to move on, emotionally speaking.
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