The "I'm Really Busy" Game

[Scottdmw]

Is anyone else out there sick of the “I’m really busy” game?

 

This is where all single people feel like they have to have activities and plans all the time, so that they can say “I'm really busy” whenever an opportunity to go on a date with someone comes up.

 

Then, you can't be perceived as trying too hard to accommodate the other person. Heaven forbid you would actually cancel plans in order to make a date happen, or even schedule things in too closely.

 

I feel like many women in the early stages of dating have a very fantasy-like mindset. They seem to think that if a meeting is meant to be it will just happen. If we're meant to be together, my schedule will align with hers, even if she only has one free night in two weeks. If I'm not available on that one free night, that simply means we are not meant to be.

 

If I go out of my way to try to be flexible and solve the problem, she loses interest because I'm acting too interested. If I act not too interested and stick to my guns on my own schedule, then we just never meet. If I let things draw out and try to plan a meeting a month in advance, she loses interest that way too. The only way a meeting seems to happen is if by random luck our schedules do actually line up.

 

I feel like this whole thing is just a big game and I'm really sick of it. When did it become such a virtue to be busy? It seems like both men and women read these dating advice books that tell them not to be too available, and we've gotten into a situation where we just aren't available much at all. Yes, we can always point to the fact that some meetings happen, but there could be a lot more if people were a little more flexible.

 

Imagine yourself in this situation. Someone is asking you for a date. This is not a person that is your super dream person, obviously you will always make time for someone like that, although in practice they are very unlikely to appear. This is Mr. or Ms. “Real Life Possibility”, someone who is interesting enough that you might have potential with, but not enough to blow your socks off right away. Do you have room in your schedule for this person in the next 7 days? Do you have a free night, or a least a night with plans that you are willing to cancel to give this person an opportunity?

 

If you can't say yes to that, then I would say you are not at all available for dating, whatever you may tell yourself. You are fooling yourself that you are likely to find a good person in that situation. Frankly, it is my opinion that if you don't have at least 2-3 out of the next 7 days either open or with plans you're willing to cancel, you are not realistically open to dating either. You may get lucky every now and then and have something work out, but not often enough so that you will really be able to find a well matched person. You will probably end up with whoever you just happen to randomly line up schedules with, and then you will tell yourself that it was fate you were supposed to be with that person.

 

Sorry for the rant folks, but as you can probably tell I'm feeling pretty frustrated. I think that the truth is dating is very important, that we would all like to be with someone, and that finding the right person is a higher priority than going to Tuesday night yoga or whatever. I get very tired of people trying to pretend like that's not so for them, in the interests of playing the “I’m so busy” game or the closely associated “dating isn't that important to me” game. Maybe some people really believe they're not playing a game, for those people I think they are just being unrealistic about the realities of dating.

 

Scott

[USMCHokie]

"I'm really busy" = I'm not interested.

 

I don't even bother giving this person an opportunity to play this game...next please...

[Woggle]

I really hate dumb games like this. Whatever happened to meeting somebody that interests you making a date and seeing where it goes from there?

[stillafool]

Maybe it isn't a game at all. Most people are so busy these days they barely have time to breathe. Especially women. If we don't already have a man in our life we will fill our spare time up with so many things and friends it makes us crazy. I think a lot of women these days try to have a very full life so as to combat loneliness. It is also dating a whole bunch of "I'm not really into him but we will see where it goes" guys starts to be a complete bore. I think they would rather just wait until they meet a guy who they know "is already rocking their socks at first site" and then try to date him.

[spiderowl]

Yes, I think if you want to see someone you will make plans with them. You will also make them feel secure that you are going to see them and that you're looking forward to it. I don't like it if it's a game of 'I'm so important that I'll see if I can fit you round my activities'. But, there is also the side that one shouldn't drop everything because of a new love interest. I've been the girl who was 'swept of her feet', made an effort to be able to spend time with him and fit around his schedule and then he loses interest and disappears. I think you have to carry on with your normal life and not be shifted too much from your normal routine. Also, if you spend a lot of time with the new interest, then you are bound to be neglecting your friends and hobbies. There has to be a balance. Your usual life will be there whether the new love turns out to be long-standing or not, so it's worth keeping your feet on the ground and making time for that special person but not letting them take over your whole world, 'cos it just means an even bigger hole in your life if it doesn't work out.

 

I do believe that some operate like that too, sweeping a woman (or man) off their feet and expecting to dominate the situation and be the centre of everything. It's not advisable to let them do this if you want to keep your sanity!

[Nukulus]

Yes... I hate the I'm really busy crap. Except I think I'm in a somewhat unique situation... The girl I'm talking to is the one saying stuff like "when can we see each other again?" and "perhaps we can do something on saturday" and even coming up with ideas... I don't even offer half the date idea things.

 

And then she ends up bailing on her own plans because she's busy or somethings cropped up. Like she'll keep me going all week saying stuff like probably, maybe, possibly, etc. And then the day of she'll let me know it's not going to work out haha. For instance we were supposed to see each other today, but she texted me this morning saying her meds/alcohol didn't mix well last night and she was feeling really hungover... Didn't mention whether she was still coming down or not... I asked... and haven't gotten a response yet. That was 4 hours ago. ugh.

 

I'm really starting to think there is somethingto the saying "excuses are like @ssholes, everyone has them and they all stink". It's all a bunch of crap.

[phineas]

I love it when chicks play that game.

So I play my own back.

 

It's called, you are always busy so I went out with another chick.

 

Oh wait, that isn't really a game because that's what I actually did.

 

I love when chick a is SOOOOO busy. then they call you up a week later when they have a breather from their busy schedule & want to know why you took chick B to the concert in the park instead of calling them.

 

Because, you are always busy. duh.

 

Then they become magically un-busy & want to get together in the next few days.

[carhill]

'If you're too busy for an interpersonal relationship, enjoy that. Alone' *click*

 

[spookie]

maybe these women have just realized that the expected payoff of investing in their lives (being busy) is greater than dating a bunch of "meh" guys.

[carhill]

Cool. Accepted. Then, don't make oneself available and show interest in dating or interpersonal relationships. Be busy. Live life to the fullest and stop with the ego feeds. That's mature. Thanks

[Scottdmw]

Maybe it isn't a game at all. Most people are so busy these days they barely have time to breathe. Especially women. If we don't already have a man in our life we will fill our spare time up with so many things and friends it makes us crazy. I think a lot of women these days try to have a very full life so as to combat loneliness. It is also dating a whole bunch of "I'm not really into him but we will see where it goes" guys starts to be a complete bore. I think they would rather just wait until they meet a guy who they know "is already rocking their socks at first site" and then try to date him.

 

I've been truly in love probably about four times in my life. In all of those cases, it took some time to develop. No one, either me or her, was ever wowed at first sight, nor on the first date. If those four women had decided to wait for a guy that knocked her socks off right away, those relationships would never have happened.

 

That said, I agree it is useless to continue dating a person if nothing happens after a couple of meetings.

 

I think what you are saying in the first part of your message is very true, single women fill up their lives with so many things and friends it makes them crazy, to combat loneliness. The problem is, it also makes it very difficult for a man who might be interested in them to get close enough for something to happen. Coming from the male side of it, I find it terribly frustrating trying to schedule a date with your average woman. Maybe some of them just aren't into me, but I really think that some are as interested as anybody is ever going to be at first, and we just end up not meeting because she is simply too busy to be available.

 

Scott

[EricaH329]

I, personally, don't know one person who truly believes that if a persons schedule were to line up with theirs, that it's 'meant to be'. I do, however, know a few people who don't want to date, and fill their schedules with things that they like to do, on their own.

 

The whole 'i'm really busy' line is to let you know that they aren't interested in dating at the moment. They aren't lying, they probably are very busy, and they don't want to schedule in a date that they don't want to go on.

 

I suggest putting your effort into someone who is ready and willing to date. They are out there.

[Nukulus]

Yes... the dating game is incredibly frustrating. I mean, it's hard enough to find someone and you are both mutually interested in each other, but then it's a completely different level of difficult to actually try and make something happen. Having to navigate jobs/school/family/friends/hobbies/etc just to find time to spend a couple hours getting to know one another better i've found is an incredibly trying experience. It's the main reason I absolutely loathe dating... I wish I could fastforward through all the bull**** to something steady.

[Scottdmw]

maybe these women have just realized that the expected payoff of investing in their lives (being busy) is greater than dating a bunch of "meh" guys.

 

Aside from my personal experience, there are all kinds of people out there in great relationships that didn't feel a huge spark right at first. If they had decided the payoff of being busy was greater than dating the “meh” person, they never would have had those great relationships.

 

Scott

[Scottdmw]

I, personally, don't know one person who truly believes that if a persons schedule were to line up with theirs, that it's 'meant to be'. I do, however, know a few people who don't want to date, and fill their schedules with things that they like to do, on their own.

 

The whole 'i'm really busy' line is to let you know that they aren't interested in dating at the moment. They aren't lying, they probably are very busy, and they don't want to schedule in a date that they don't want to go on.

 

I suggest putting your effort into someone who is ready and willing to date. They are out there.

 

 

I'm sure that's true some of the time.

 

The cases I'm talking about are a little different though. Take one example from an online dating service. This particular woman e-mailed me several times, said she wanted to meet, gave me her phone number. Then we look for a time only to find out that there is only a single time in the next 10 days that she is available to meet, which happens to coincide with something I can't get out of. After that 10 days I leave on a 10 day work trip (which I mention to her), so if we are going to meet at all its going to be 20 days from now at a minimum. I mean, seriously, one time in 10 days? She can't be more flexible than that?

 

So, what's up? Maybe she's just looking for an ego boost, though I would hope at the age of 30 she would be over that. If she doesn't want to date why is she wasting all that time? If she does, does she really think it's realistic to only offer one time in 10 days? She even bemoaned the fact that she is so busy and she doesn't understand how that happened, but she's not willing to do anything about it.

 

That is the attitude that I'm having a problem with. It seems like if she's just not interested, she should say so or at the very least just stop communicating with me. I feel like it is almost just mean to offer someone a date but then make it nearly impossible for it to happen.

 

I am trying to put my efforts into finding people that are ready and willing, but I'm finding it extremely difficult.

 

Scott

[spookie]

scott, i agree, but that doesn't mean the expected payoff of focusing on oneself isn't greater. the benefits of working hard and being busy are immediate and long-term, wheras dating feels like looking for a needle in the haystack for some of us. most of those "meh" guys i did give a chance, turned out just that, "meh", no chance they'd ever knock my socks off. i agree that if you don't look for that needle, you'll never find it, but you might also spend tons of time looking, without finding whatever it is you are lookingfor.

 

i think thats why some of us feel like that time's better spent doing yoga on tuesdays.

[carhill]

I am trying to put my efforts into finding people that are ready and willing, but I'm finding it extremely difficult.

 

Scott, here's what I do. If a woman shows a modicum of interest (this might be online or IRL), I move to a personal meeting, aka 'date'. If she starts reciting her schedule, I nod my head like the bobble dog and am already moving on down the list to the next potential. I'm flexible, interested and ready to meet. If she isn't, she's not compatible. No animals are harmed and no injuries are experienced. The best way to weed out the ego feeders and overgrown teenagers (yes, they exist in my age group) is to be serious and mature. Next

[sagetalk]

Aside from my personal experience, there are all kinds of people out there in great relationships that didn't feel a huge spark right at first. If they had decided the payoff of being busy was greater than dating the “meh” person, they never would have had those great relationships.

 

Scott

 

Have you read these forums lately? "Meh" means the guy didn't give up two other hot girls to be with her, and he also took too long to try and jump her bones (days/weeks). The way some girls on here describe "meh" makes me hope that I fit into that category. I'd rather be their "Meh" any day compaired to some of the jerks these girls are dating and think are a great catch.

[spookie]

that's certainly not what i mean by "meh".

 

"meh" means i don't feel that the guy brings anything except companionship and sex to the table.

 

obviously both of those are prerequisites for having a relationship with someone but if i dont feel like i can develop an emotional bond with the person, AND trust them with my life, it's not going to go anywhere with me.

 

i am actually in a sitaution now we're i've given a "meh" guy a chance, and am regretting it sorely. it would have been so much less complicated if i'd held my own and refused to date him, like i'd been refusing everyone else for the past two years. now i'm faced with the prospect of spending tomorrow breaking up with him, and potentially losing a friend.

[Krytie TV]

Is anyone else out there sick of the “I’m really busy” game?

 

Nope. Whenever these words were spoken when I was dating I heard "wawawawawawa" and processed it as "I'm not interested". Then you walk. Piece of cake. Move on.

[Lucky555]

I think the "im too busy" phrase for Single people without kids is a big bunch of BS.

It means:

 

I'm not interested.

I'm not really into dating right now. (other issues in their life)

 

Usually the guys that are interested will be setting dates.

 

I think people who are looking for a potential mate and are serious about dating will make time. They are ready for a relationship and it will feel good to be with the person.

 

If your getting the I'm too busy line too many times, walk away. It does suck but it happens and you have to find another person who you can enjoy spending time with.

[EricaH329]

I'm sure that's true some of the time.

 

The cases I'm talking about are a little different though. Take one example from an online dating service. This particular woman e-mailed me several times, said she wanted to meet, gave me her phone number. Then we look for a time only to find out that there is only a single time in the next 10 days that she is available to meet, which happens to coincide with something I can't get out of. After that 10 days I leave on a 10 day work trip (which I mention to her), so if we are going to meet at all its going to be 20 days from now at a minimum. I mean, seriously, one time in 10 days? She can't be more flexible than that?

 

So, what's up? Maybe she's just looking for an ego boost, though I would hope at the age of 30 she would be over that. If she doesn't want to date why is she wasting all that time? If she does, does she really think it's realistic to only offer one time in 10 days? She even bemoaned the fact that she is so busy and she doesn't understand how that happened, but she's not willing to do anything about it.

 

That is the attitude that I'm having a problem with. It seems like if she's just not interested, she should say so or at the very least just stop communicating with me. I feel like it is almost just mean to offer someone a date but then make it nearly impossible for it to happen.

 

I am trying to put my efforts into finding people that are ready and willing, but I'm finding it extremely difficult.

 

Scott

 

I find that really strange. I don't understand why a person would be on a dating site, and not put in any actual time or effort into meeting the people they communicate with. Perhaps that's just her lifestyle? The kind of person she is? It's probably better that you don't end up going on a date with her, I see something like that becoming a habit.

 

I have never really encountered anything like that before. Does it happen often? I'm sure there are a few reasons as to why people are like that. But since you are on a dating site, i'm sure you can find other people that don't do that. If not, perhaps you should change dating sites?

[USMCHokie]

I think the "im too busy" phrase for Single people without kids is a big bunch of BS.

It means:

 

I'm not interested.

I'm not really into dating right now. (other issues in their life)

 

 

 

This line is also a bunch of BS.

[ADF]

What I am sick of is people who won't give straight, honest answers. They'll do just about anything to avoid being honest. "I'm really busy" is just a ploy to avoid saying, "sorry, I'm not interested." What is so horrible about saying the latter?

[spookie]

i dunno, personally i really am really busy. i've gone on one afternoon date, in the past month. the rest of the time, when i wasn't at work, i've been holed up in my apartment, studying for a professional examination. i can't not go to work, and i'm committed to passing this test, which i will have spent about 400 hours studying for by the time i take it. with those priorities, when i say i'm really busy, it's not just a line. you could be hot as hlel and charming as fcvk and ill still be really busy.