SadandConfusedWA Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I don't know why this is happening. Last 4 guys that I met as possible romantic prospects in real life situations blatantly only asked me to have FWB or EVEN WORSE one night stands. It's like they don't even want to bother with dating me. It's all sex or nothing. It wasn't this way when I was younger. Of course, I refused to have sex with any of them and I never heard from them again. I made out with 2, they tried to turn it more sexual, I refused and they kind of got pissed. I think that I am getting older and fatter and less desirable and this is pretty much all I can expect to get from now on
shadowofman Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I think that I am getting older and fatter and less desirable and this is pretty much all I can expect to get from now on Does not compute. If you were getting less desirable, then they would not be trying to have sex with you. They are apparently not looking for a relationship, not interested in love at the moment, or in love with someone else. The fact that they wanted sex with you mean that you are still desirable. It is also possible that they do like you for more than friends, but getting involved might mean that they have to sacrifice their swinger status which is undesirable.
phineas Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 It isn't you. It's the type of guys you are going after.
sally4sara Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Are you finding them with an online dating site? I think the format's appeal draws more of this kind of interest than when you just happen to meet someone face to face and spark up interest. I think many men believe if a woman is willing to use a dating site, they are more likely to be fine with random hook ups. Which is sort of silly; it can be used to screen people and be more selective about the time you spend on whom just as easily as it can be used for casual hook ups.
spookie Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 the more optimistic interpretation is that even men who only want you for sex respect you enough to let that fact be known from the start.
TouchedByViolet Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 First, don't worry about your desirability. These men clearly like you if they want to sleep with you. I don't know why but society has a lot more people who are just looking for sex or FWB rather than relationships. You could try to maintain firm boundaries at the beginning of dating/meeting someone so they get the hint you are looking for a relationship. Or simply let them know. Still sometimes these type of people don't get the message. Sorry for your trouble but know you are not alone.
EasyHeart Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 It sounds like you're meeting the wrong kind of guys, probably because you're looking for them in the wrong places. Bars and online dating sites are where creepy guys congregate. If those are the kinds of places you're going to meet guys, then it's no mystery why you're finding these jackasses.
Marek Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I wish I had your problem, only with the gender reversal. To me, that's a dream situation -- a bunch of girls keen for a FWB relationship only! However, I'm not naíve; I know women view it differently. But, like everyone else has written, you mustn't be undesireable, if you were then men wouldn't want to sleep with you. Period. ****, at least you're getting dates, and therefore it's only a matter of time before you find a guy that thinks with the head that's on his neck, and wants to pursue more than just booty.
carhill Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 OP, two things: 1. You're in charge of whose approaches you accept. You control that dynamic completely, just as a man controls who he approaches. Take a hard look at your people-picker 2. Adjunct to number 1, take a look and reflect upon whose approaches you refuse and why. Generally, men don't approach women to be friends. The impetus for their approach is not to garden together or turn wrenches on their cars together. It's because she has parts his parts fit into and he likes that dynamic. Otherwise, he'd be drinking a beer with his *male* buddies, wrenching on the car or digging in the dirt with his man-tools. He approaches women to have a companion he can have sex with. Would you find an outlier male who doesn't approach you sexually immediately to be attractive? That's a good question to ask, IMO. In your life, I trust you've met examples of this type of male. Reflect upon those and your reactions/impressions of those dynamics. Good luck
spiderowl Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 You may be older and have put on more weight (I have no idea) but you are an interesting person and all the bimbos in the world will get boring if what a man really needs, deep down, is a confidante and interesting woman with character. So, you have a down on yourself that is unnecessary. With this attitude, you are probably not expecting high standards from the men you meet. You need to expect respect and kindness from men. Believe me, they will pick up on this change of attitude. If, for one minute, you find a man is not treating you as an attractive woman who should be cared for and respected, then walk away. It's really easy to do. You might think 'oh, if I do that I won't meet anybody' but quite the contrary, the more you think about the kind of person you want to meet rather than trying to make yourself the kind of person they want to meet, the better the chance you'll meet a decent man. Regarding wanting you for sex only, I hope you told these men that you are looking for something considerably better than what they are offering. Make it clear it's not good enough and they haven't 'passed' your standards test. It will be a shock to them, but you are drawing a line and they will have to respect that. Don't sleep with a man until you know him well. See him in various circumstances first, get to know him, his friends (well, they can tell you a lot about him), and the way he treats others, before risking yourself. A man will want things to move faster but just tell him you are getting to know him. He'll realise he's not getting anywhere until you feel he's the right man for him, he'll realise you are discerning. If you expect good treatment and turn down anything else, even the smallest slight or disrespect, then men will soon pick up on the fact that you are a proud person with a solid core that they cannot push over. You don't need to be nasty or harsh about it, just smile and say you are looking for a relationship based on love and respect, not sex, so they are not offering what you need. Then, leave them to it. Be clear that you are not sad to lose their limited offer. By asserting your own needs and filtering out those who aren't capable of offering you respect, you will become a real and definite person to those you meet rather than a wishy-washy leaf blowing in the wind. They will have to blink twice and look again to see who this lady is. The results can be surprising. I hope this all makes sense as I know what I mean Good luck!
shadowplay Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 :sick:........ Whatever you do SAC, don't settle.
2sunny Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 is it possible your energy and body language aren't in line with your wants and needs? you are most likely giving mixed messages or mixed signals. pay attention to what your body is saying - what your words are expressing. are they all aligned with your ultimate goal?
CarrieT Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 SadAndConfused, I completely empathize -- I am very much like you... I have entirely stopped dating because I haven't been able to get any guy to talk to me for more than 20 minutes at a stretch without them suggesting sex.
ADF Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I suspect you've just had a run of bas luck. The fact is many men--particularly younger men--come out of a hookup culture where dating and relationships are considered passe. Fot them, it is all about easy sex. The goods news is that as men het older, they usually revert back to dating and relationships. There are men out there that want what you want. You just have to seperate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.
Skump Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I don't know why this is happening. Last 4 guys that I met as possible romantic prospects in real life situations blatantly only asked me to have FWB or EVEN WORSE one night stands. It's like they don't even want to bother with dating me. It's all sex or nothing. It wasn't this way when I was younger. Of course, I refused to have sex with any of them and I never heard from them again. I made out with 2, they tried to turn it more sexual, I refused and they kind of got pissed. I think that I am getting older and fatter and less desirable and this is pretty much all I can expect to get from now on Are you approaching these guys or assuming a completely passive role in dating? As women age, they can expect a higher proportion of advances to represent attempts at no-strings-attached sex. Men (duh) tend to go for younger women when they look for wives. If your answer to my question was "yes," then you may want to consider whether you really have the luxury of this posture anymore (not that it would've ever served you well).
Lucky555 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 keep your options open and dont jump into things too quickly. I think this will weed out the guys that just want sex from the guys that want to stick around and have a relationship.
peace_of_mind Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I don't know why this is happening. Last 4 guys that I met as possible romantic prospects in real life situations blatantly only asked me to have FWB or EVEN WORSE one night stands. It's like they don't even want to bother with dating me. It's all sex or nothing. It wasn't this way when I was younger. Of course, I refused to have sex with any of them and I never heard from them again. I made out with 2, they tried to turn it more sexual, I refused and they kind of got pissed. I think that I am getting older and fatter and less desirable and this is pretty much all I can expect to get from now on aww don't think that. Well, I'm a woman and I'll be honest with you.. when guys treat women like that, and I've been in that position, there's a reason.. the woman is being too easy!!! Now, if they have to work hard to get intimate with her, then probably, there will be a difference in their behavior. You need to make things difficult... if they still behave like jerks, then just leave them.
EasyHeart Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I'm curious where you're meeting these guys. Do men just come up to you on the street and ask you for sex?
Woggle Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Don't get insulted but chances are you are ubconiously attracted to these men.
alphamale Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I'm curious where you're meeting these guys. Do men just come up to you on the street and ask you for sex? shes not a hooker
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 Thanks guys, very useful advice. I don't meet those men online, on dating sites or on any singles events. I haven't been able to bring myself to do those (yet). I mostly meet them at bars, one at a gallery opening, one was my brother's friend (but not even a friend really as my brother barely knows him and he warned me about him right away). They all approach me, I am an old fashioned girl and don't beleive in making first moves (the only time I would consider it is if I met someone I REALLY REALLY liked). I am hoping that it's just a string of bad luck. And yes, I said no to sex to all of them.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 shes not a hooker thanks alpha.
tincanman99 Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Just out of curiosity if you look back at these 4 guys do they have anything in common? By that I mean - what they look like, their attitude, upbringing, etc... The reason I ask this is if the only commonality is you than you may want to ask yourself why you are attracting men that only want sex? How old are you if you dont mind me asking?
JustJoe Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 SACIW, I will try to put this as delicately as possible, and I want you to know before-hand that It's not what I think nor am I trying to be disrespectful. Is there anything in your past that would lead these guys to believe that you are easy? Have you been involved with swingers, or had a string of affairs? SOMETHING that would make men think that all you wanted was sex and no strings attached?
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