dannie19 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Thought I'd share this comment from my exMM, wonder if anyone else ever heard anything so arrogant?! I won't go into my story, it's all on LS but basically I met up with my exMM last night (we've been separate for about ten weeks) anyway he just said totally unprompted 'I know I do seem to be having my cake and eating it but I think I need two lives!' I assumne he thinks this because because he has a drink/drug/mental heath problem and reckons he's about to go into rehab and come out the other seide a new man but honestly what a bizarre thing to say, well I think so dunno what other posters think, just had to share it!
secretlady76 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 This is horrible to hear if you yourself don't have a OH. However I can see his point, when you're married and you are emberking on something with someone else, you know you're having your cake but in a way you need it, because the original cake is not enough or not as fulfilling as the second cake, although I'm not sure if the second cake on its own would be enough either...!!!
Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Thought I'd share this comment from my exMM, wonder if anyone else ever heard anything so arrogant?! I won't go into my story, it's all on LS but basically I met up with my exMM last night (we've been separate for about ten weeks) anyway he just said totally unprompted 'I know I do seem to be having my cake and eating it but I think I need two lives!' I assumne he thinks this because because he has a drink/drug/mental heath problem and reckons he's about to go into rehab and come out the other seide a new man but honestly what a bizarre thing to say, well I think so dunno what other posters think, just had to share it! I like this It's kind of bizarrely and delusionally honest. How are you doing, anyway, Dannie? Still keeping your distance?
Author dannie19 Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 I was keeping my distance and NC helped me to heal at first but then curosity got the better of me and now having LC contact. Too early to say if this going to work, he reckons he needs me for 'his sanity' but not sure he too good for mine! Also feeling incredibly 'envious' that he thinking about rehab and getting his life on track (have visions of him becoming this wonderfully successfulman and desirable catch) feel left behind and used. We'll see, guess I need to make my own personal progress but he is getting everything (the rehab/counselling etc) handed to him for free on a plate from the nhs while I'll have to go out and change my life all on my own as it were, seems so unfair!
skywriter Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Hiya danniegal, So glad to read you'v been attempting to limit contact. It would seem by doing so, it has given you more clarity about your situation. Use this to your advantage, as he (MM) is using resources, (rehab etc) to his advantage. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, so make good of it. It would seem that the MM is banking on your emotions to get the better of you where he is concerned. (don't they all?)
Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I was keeping my distance and NC helped me to heal at first but then curosity got the better of me and now having LC contact. Too early to say if this going to work, he reckons he needs me for 'his sanity' but not sure he too good for mine! Also feeling incredibly 'envious' that he thinking about rehab and getting his life on track (have visions of him becoming this wonderfully successfulman and desirable catch) feel left behind and used. We'll see, guess I need to make my own personal progress but he is getting everything (the rehab/counselling etc) handed to him for free on a plate from the nhs while I'll have to go out and change my life all on my own as it were, seems so unfair! dannie, I know how tempting curiousity can be but I think you just need to cut as many ties as possible. The curiousity may not ever go away but it will lessen, if you give it the chance to do so. Instead of focusing on what a success he will be, why don't you turn that on you. YOU are in control of your own destiny and those things that you predicted for him are a possibility for you, too; if you want them, you chase them and they are SO much more likely to happen without the dead weight of him pulling you down. PLEASE don't be the one that allows him to have the double life that he 'needs'; you're better than that - start believing so. (((((dannie)))))
Author dannie19 Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 Aw,thank you both. Nice to have a bit of LS common sense thrown my way, as I think am losing my focus lately, cheers for pointing that out before I slide back into the chaos and mess that my affair was. Funny thing is I've cried very little since we spilt up yet this morning after seeing him last night I needed a cry. Think that says it all really!
Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Aw,thank you both. Nice to have a bit of LS common sense thrown my way, as I think am losing my focus lately, cheers for pointing that out before I slide back into the chaos and mess that my affair was. Funny thing is I've cried very little since we spilt up yet this morning after seeing him last night I needed a cry. Think that says it all really! I know how you feel, Dannie. It's not a bad or weak thing to cry, but it's funny how it just gets you sometimes, unexpectedly. I'd been fine, really picking up with every day that passed but during the night before I woke in the early hours and felt so sad and missed him so much and those thoughts consumed me for some time. But, I woke in the morning and it lifted again. The fact that your crying and low moments are becoming fewer I'm sure is a good sign. You are doing well. How are you getting on for filling your spare time? Did you find things?
Author dannie19 Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 Well, I've made a list of what I'd like to achieve/do but that about as far as I got, am dead busy with work. He's signed off sick with depression so he has all the time in the world for self-indulgence and self improvement. Aw, makes you sick!
Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Well, I've made a list of what I'd like to achieve/do but that about as far as I got, am dead busy with work. He's signed off sick with depression so he has all the time in the world for self-indulgence and self improvement. Aw, makes you sick! Leave him to wallow, look how well you're doing in comparison when it would be so easy to be dragged down with him. Anyway, we're talking about you . It's great that you're so busy with work - I found this helped me tremendously, but see what else there is too. What's on your list?
Author dannie19 Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 Well, my list.... it's long! Some of the stuff on it small such as I should join a gym (even got all motivated and spent a small fortune on the kit!) and some of the stuff bigger, such as I'd like buy my own home. I'd like to do volunteer work with with animals. I need to do stuff where I can make new friends but if the truth be told I haven't really got a grand vision, am just hoping that if I do get on and start somewhere a fuller more satisfying life will emerge. Part of what holds me to him is he's quite a talented photographer while I'm not talented in any direction and I have visions of him becoming a successful photographer after rehab. Then again he hasn't managed it yet and he's 45! Anyway it's lovely of you to ask, it is helping me to refocus. I was really starting to drift back to the dark side! Thank you sooooo much.
Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Well, my list.... it's long! Some of the stuff on it small such as I should join a gym (even got all motivated and spent a small fortune on the kit!) and some of the stuff bigger, such as I'd like buy my own home. I'd like to do volunteer work with with animals. I need to do stuff where I can make new friends but if the truth be told I haven't really got a grand vision, am just hoping that if I do get on and start somewhere a fuller more satisfying life will emerge. Part of what holds me to him is he's quite a talented photographer while I'm not talented in any direction and I have visions of him becoming a successful photographer after rehab. Then again he hasn't managed it yet and he's 45! Anyway it's lovely of you to ask, it is helping me to refocus. I was really starting to drift back to the dark side! Thank you sooooo much. That's a fantastic list! You are talented, everybody is, you just need to find it, it might not be as obvious as some talents but it will be there. Joining the gym is a great idea, it not only gives you somewhere to go and meet people but it will also give you goals, not to mention the physical benefits. If you join one that has classes as a part of the price then they're truly great places to meet people, and they're fun. Do you have a gym near you? Could that be something that you do today? You have your list and how great would it be to tick things off one at a time? A volunteer organisation is another great idea! That could be the next one to tick off? Put yourself well on the way to fulfilling your life the way you want it to be. PM me if you like, any time, even if it's just to offload.
Author dannie19 Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 Thank you! I wasn't even looking for advice when I started this post, just wanted to share an outrageous comment! So thank you for helping to realise I am in danger of fulfilling his needs again and neglecting my own, an unexpected twist and wake up call. Oooh, these are long, long journeys to recover aren't they!
crazycatlady Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I was keeping my distance and NC helped me to heal at first but then curosity got the better of me and now having LC contact. Too early to say if this going to work, he reckons he needs me for 'his sanity' but not sure he too good for mine! Also feeling incredibly 'envious' that he thinking about rehab and getting his life on track (have visions of him becoming this wonderfully successfulman and desirable catch) feel left behind and used. We'll see, guess I need to make my own personal progress but he is getting everything (the rehab/counselling etc) handed to him for free on a plate from the nhs while I'll have to go out and change my life all on my own as it were, seems so unfair! Haven't you ever noticed that when we have to work and strive for things, how much more we appreciate them? And you also tend to keep it up longer too. If you make your changes, you will appreciate them more. As for lack of talent...You have a desire to volunteer. That's rare. There is a talent in giving - as you have sadly found out with your xMM - but here is a way to give that is truly rewarding. You should go for it. Shelters are always needing volunteers of so many types. CCL
Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Thank you! I wasn't even looking for advice when I started this post, just wanted to share an outrageous comment! So thank you for helping to realise I am in danger of fulfilling his needs again and neglecting my own, an unexpected twist and wake up call. Oooh, these are long, long journeys to recover aren't they! Fulfil your needs, hon. Leave him eating your dust (There's no time like the present)
2sunny Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 he's offered you nothing but the same as nothing. is nothing good enough? basically, he wants you to agree to stay in the same position as before "be my OW while i keep my public life in order." be my secret so i can have what i want... at YOUR expense... is that enough for you Dannie? as long as he's occupying that space, want, need - you won't have additional energy to go find what you ultimately do want for YOURSELF. no one else is going to look out for your best interest... except YOU. YOU deserve more, better... you deserve it all!
Author dannie19 Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 Thank you, this really has been a fortuitus post. I just posted because I thought other posters would find his comment amusingly smug but you have read between the lines and pointed out that I'm getting sucked back in. I have also remembered another 'enlightening' comment from him: he said 'I must never give him a hard time, especailly with rehab coming up' I replied 'well you put up with a hard time and rows at home' and he replied 'exactly I'm like a caged animal there but I can walk away from you I need peace and harmony!' Eeee, these men! Thank you all for spotting the warning signs they'd gone over my head and i was being derailed!
2sunny Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Thank you, this really has been a fortuitus post. I just posted because I thought other posters would find his comment amusingly smug but you have read between the lines and pointed out that I'm getting sucked back in. I have also remembered another 'enlightening' comment from him: he said 'I must never give him a hard time, especailly with rehab coming up' I replied 'well you put up with a hard time and rows at home' and he replied 'exactly I'm like a caged animal there but I can walk away from you I need peace and harmony!' Eeee, these men! Thank you all for spotting the warning signs they'd gone over my head and i was being derailed! do you see how consistently selfish he is? I need, I want, I will have this... IT"S ALL ABOUT HIM! the man is showing you blatantly that he's selfish and self centered. is this what you want in a man? i wouldn't think so... i want YOU to want a man who is giving, kind, loving, compassionate toward you and others, willing to sacrifice for you. willing to go to any length to be with you and t have a happy life together. doesn't this look different from the MM?
Author dannie19 Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 It does indeed look very different, none of our chat last night was about offering me anything only him, him, him! He just keeps taking the wind out of my sails such as this I'm going to rehab nonsense. I don't see how he could even sustain it if he did go through with it as his partner of 22 years shares all his habits! Aw, good luck to them. I can't believe how unmotivated/unproductive I've been today, just going between Loveshack and ebay and on the warmest day of the year so far here in England! Ug, giving away power again aren't I, thanks for showing me that.
2sunny Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 It does indeed look very different, none of our chat last night was about offering me anything only him, him, him! He just keeps taking the wind out of my sails such as this I'm going to rehab nonsense. I don't see how he could even sustain it if he did go through with it as his partner of 22 years shares all his habits! Aw, good luck to them. I can't believe how unmotivated/unproductive I've been today, just going between Loveshack and ebay and on the warmest day of the year so far here in England! Ug, giving away power again aren't I, thanks for showing me that. eliminate him from your mind and heart! there is no use for someone that selfish - except that he needs women like you to constant feed his ego - that's the purpose you serve... his wife probably doesn't do that anymore after 22 years... get outside! take your power and your day back for YOU! go for a walk, get some coffee or ice cream. smile at strangers. engage yourself with life and others! we may only have today! go enjoy it!
Hazyhead Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Dannie, I think you've changed quite considerably since your first post here on Loveshack; you should be proud of that. So, you dwelled a bit today. It happens sometimes. Tomorrow, wake up and think about you. YOU. YOU. YOU. What could you use your day for? Do something that at the end of the day when you sit down you smile to yourself and say 'I did that'. As for him... well, sorry to be rude, but he's a grade A piece of cr@p; you are so much better than him. Don't let him come to you with his blah. Look him in the eye when he starts (if you can't just avoid him completely) and say 'Not interested. Leave me alone.' Repeat it to him if you have to. You can do it!
Author dannie19 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 Thanks Hazyhead. From your comment I went to read some of my earlier posts, how embarassing! Thank heavens for the understanding and insight offered on Loveshack, what a mug my friends would have thought me if I'd blurted all that out to them! I can see a lot of my anger with him has subsided and maybe that's been his opening to worm his way back. Hum, but you are right enough dwelling and (internet browsing!), going to try for a more productive day. Thanks again for picking up what was going straight over my head! Doh!
Hazyhead Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Thanks Hazyhead. From your comment I went to read some of my earlier posts, how embarassing! Thank heavens for the understanding and insight offered on Loveshack, what a mug my friends would have thought me if I'd blurted all that out to them! I can see a lot of my anger with him has subsided and maybe that's been his opening to worm his way back. Hum, but you are right enough dwelling and (internet browsing!), going to try for a more productive day. Thanks again for picking up what was going straight over my head! Doh! Dannie, they wouldn't have thought you a mug, really; they would have seen their friend with a broken heart stuck under the influence of a man that did NOT deserve her. Have you thought about telling them? It might just give you that extra reality shake enough to completely prevent you hooking up with him again. What's your plan for today? It's still early. It doesn't look as sunny ( ) but that doesn't mean that you might as well indulge in another day of dwelling If you do your whole weekend will have been spent on him and you'll really kick yourself when you have to return to work tomorrow.
Author dannie19 Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 I went to see 'I am Love' at the cinema, maybe not the best choice of films, not sure how that has left me feeling about affairs! At least I got up and about though. I've also realised, a bit late in the day maybe, that it was they way I made him feel that he loved, he didn't/doesn't love me or he would have worked through the sticking points with me and not just wanted the good times.
Hazyhead Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 I went to see 'I am Love' at the cinema, maybe not the best choice of films, not sure how that has left me feeling about affairs! At least I got up and about though. I've also realised, a bit late in the day maybe, that it was they way I made him feel that he loved, he didn't/doesn't love me or he would have worked through the sticking points with me and not just wanted the good times. Yay, Dannie! It's a good start... maybe not the best choice of film but I just love that you got out to see it. I agree that although you are a wonderful person, it was the way you made him feel that he loved the most; he was/is a class A narcissist after all. Keep it up and keep us posted. Well done! :)
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