bolase Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 how do I let a guy down gently? I know he's interested in me as more than a friend, my ex boyfriend used to comment on it, saying he read guy-signals that this guy wanted me, without me even realising it back then. He's made the effort recently to ask me out to the movies and says he wants to cook me dinner, keeps asking..I'm not at all attracted to him but do want to be friends. Do I keen turning down his dates? Or meet him again (went to a movie once), and tell him then? He hasn't come out and actually said he's interested so it seems a bit much to jump the gun. But going MIA seems silly too. If you're a guy , what would be preferable?
USMCHokie Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Tell him: "I don't want to date you." Done. Be prepared for him to not want to talk to you anymore.
butterflysil Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 not a guy but this is what i do. i tell the guy things i say and do when i like a guy and have him figure it out that i am not doing it for him. you could also talk about other guys you like.
Author bolase Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 Thanks but isn't that a bit harsh when he asks me to go for a drink, just text back "I dont want to date you"? Im in a small town. Going to see him again, want to hang out as friends no matter what but understand if that's not cool with him. The thing I just don't know about is whether to meet him again or just keep brushing him off. I cant just text about other guys I like randomly..
butterflysil Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 you could also just tell him that currently in your life you do not want to date. i do feel if you know he likes you and you keep hanging out with him it may give him mixed signals.
xRJ85x Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 how do I let a guy down gently? I know he's interested in me as more than a friend, my ex boyfriend used to comment on it, saying he read guy-signals that this guy wanted me, without me even realising it back then. He's made the effort recently to ask me out to the movies and says he wants to cook me dinner, keeps asking..I'm not at all attracted to him but do want to be friends. Do I keen turning down his dates? Or meet him again (went to a movie once), and tell him then? He hasn't come out and actually said he's interested so it seems a bit much to jump the gun. But going MIA seems silly too. If you're a guy , what would be preferable? JUST BE HONEST AND TELL HIM RIGHT AWAY INSTEAD OF STRINGING HIM ALONG!!!!! ...sorry for the harshness but if you read any of my thread being the guy in this exact situation, you'll know exactly what it's like on the other side.
EasyHeart Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Good Lord, this happens all the time and I swear most women are complete and utter morons. He wants a romantic relationship. You know this, but you are not attracted to him. So the thing to do is: TELL HIM!!!! Do not tell him you want to be 'friends'. Do not tell him he is a 'nice guy'. Do not make up a bull**** excuse like "I don't feel like dating anyone right now". Do not ignore him and hope he 'gets the hint' (he won't). TELL HIM THAT YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN HIM AND YOU NEVER WILL!!! Do not be 'friends' with him. Do not continue to have any kind of personal interaction with him or he will hold out hope that you will change your mind. You are not being "nice" by stringing him along. You are intentionally hurting him and being needlessly cruel. By not being completely honest and direct with him when you KNOW he has a romantic interest in you, you are acting like a vicious sadist who enjoys inflicting pain on other human beings. You are a complete, utter and total bitch. Get it?
sagetalk Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 By not being completely honest and direct with him when you KNOW he has a romantic interest in you, you are acting like a vicious sadist who enjoys inflicting pain on other human beings. You are a complete, utter and total bitch. Get it? As harsh as that sounds, I have a hard time disagreeing with it. It takes a lot of guts to go after a girl, show him some respect. Would you treat a guy you were attracted to like this (not telling him how you feel), I seriously doubt it. Remember the golden rule, treat others as you want to be treated. If you want people to lie to you, then lie to him. If you want people to be honest with you, well, you know what to do.
janie423 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Good Lord, this happens all the time and I swear most women are complete and utter morons. He wants a romantic relationship. You know this, but you are not attracted to him. So the thing to do is: TELL HIM!!!! Do not tell him you want to be 'friends'. Do not tell him he is a 'nice guy'. Do not make up a bull**** excuse like "I don't feel like dating anyone right now". Do not ignore him and hope he 'gets the hint' (he won't). TELL HIM THAT YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN HIM AND YOU NEVER WILL!!! Do not be 'friends' with him. Do not continue to have any kind of personal interaction with him or he will hold out hope that you will change your mind. You are not being "nice" by stringing him along. You are intentionally hurting him and being needlessly cruel. By not being completely honest and direct with him when you KNOW he has a romantic interest in you, you are acting like a vicious sadist who enjoys inflicting pain on other human beings. You are a complete, utter and total bitch. Get it? Perfect, except the bioch part. I wish guys would do the same for women. It never happens tho.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I'm not at all attracted to him but do want to be friends. Do you really want to be friends? What do you feel you would gain from friends? Why do you want to be friends with him? As for him, he does not want to be friends. He wants to date you. If you say that you want to be friends, he will agree but only because he feels it would keep you close enough so that he can keep wearing you down until you agree to date him. A lot of people feel that a little of something is better than a lot of nothing, and will settle for less in order to hopefully get a bigger payoff later. If you aren't ever going to date him or even consider it, I wouldn't offer friendship either, even if you are genuinely interested in being friends. You can't be friends if one of you wants to date or sleep with the other. Turn him down flat and firmly, and do not offer or accept 'friendship'. It is harsh, but a lot more humane than letting him think he has a chance, however remote.
Author bolase Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 (edited) Wow guys. that is really harsh. I'm not being a bitch, I've been out with him to a movie to see how I felt and know Im not attracted. Not my fault. What I was looking for advice on was not whether to date him or not, it was HOW to express myself. Not text back AT ALL? Text back next time he brings up dinner and say...what IS th right thing to say? From guys in his position, yes I'll tell him, but what. I think he's cool, we share interests like fishing and diving, I could get a hell of a lot of fun from a friendship with him hence my holding back on "I don't want to meet you again" ? Edited April 25, 2010 by bolase
sagetalk Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 1. Wow guys. that is really harsh. I'm not being a bitch, I've been out with him to a movie to see how I felt and know Im not attracted. Not my fault. 2. I think he's cool, we share interests like fishing and diving, I could get a hell of a lot of fun from a friendship with him hence my holding back on "I don't want to meet you again" You didn't read why he called you that, read it again. You're using him for fun and that is cruel. If he just wants to be friends too, then great, but it seems he wants more. Tell him, there will never be anything romantic between us, but I like hanging out with you. If he's cool with that great, but don't string him along just so you can have fun.
Author bolase Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 (edited) Thanks, will do that. "Stringing him along" and "being a bitch", by meeting him ONCE exclusively, to see whether I felt something? Then, figuring out how to tell him best that I'm NOT interested romantically to let him decide if he still wants to hang out with me after that? I don't agree. Stringing him along would be what I'd be doing if I kept hanging out avoiding the elephant. Im feeling bitter vibes projected onto me, though I'm trying to do the right thing. Edited April 25, 2010 by bolase
sagetalk Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Thanks, will do that. "Stringing him along" and "being a bitch", by meeting him ONCE exclusively, to see whether I felt something? Then, figuring out how to tell him best that I'm NOT interested romantically to let him decide if he still wants to hang out with me after that? I don't agree. Stringing him along would be what I'd be doing if I kept hanging out avoiding the elephant. Im feeling bitter vibes projected onto me, though I'm trying to do the right thing. I admit the language is too strong (I do not use that word towards women), but the overall message was correct. I think you are trying to do the right thing, and I applaud you for that, but this is a running theme here so it's a touchy subject. I assure you, sadness is the more likely vibe then bitterness from myself. I've seen what this does to guys and it's horrible. I'm am blessed that this have never happened to me, but I hate that others suffer from it. Spare him the embarrassment of chasing after a lost cause, tell him up front and hopefully he will accept your honesty and be a good friend. If not, let him go, it's for the best.
tkgirl Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 (edited) Thanks, will do that. "Stringing him along" and "being a bitch", by meeting him ONCE exclusively, to see whether I felt something? Then, figuring out how to tell him best that I'm NOT interested romantically to let him decide if he still wants to hang out with me after that? I don't agree. Stringing him along would be what I'd be doing if I kept hanging out avoiding the elephant. Im feeling bitter vibes projected onto me, though I'm trying to do the right thing. welcome to loveshack! I posted about the same thing a few months ago and got pretty much the same responses so... maybe can start a support group or something? In my case it was a guy I liked hanging out with but #1 he's a co-worker and #2 he's waaaay younger than me... so I didn't feel he was someone I could see myself with romantically BUT I still liked hanging out with him. So... I still hung out with him here and there but pretty much avoided giving any signals that I saw him as more than a friend... I let him figure it out. Guys here are like "tell him!" but what are we supposed to do... just call him up out of the blue and say "by the way, I don't ever want to date you" to me that is being a b*tch.. not to mention a bit presumptuous! but if and when the guy asks you out, then yes... you should say something. In my case I think this guy just wanted a fling with a hot older broad like me and never really asked me out directly, so I felt I never had to tell him directly that I wasn't interested... Edited April 25, 2010 by tkgirl
somedude81 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 If you continue to meet with him, you will be stringing him along, whether you mean to or not. Do you think it's fair that you would be getting everything you want from him by being his friend while he is not getting what he wants because he can't sleep with you? You need to tell him that you aren't interested in him. What sagetalk said "there will never be anything romantic between us, but I like hanging out with you." is fine.
EasyHeart Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 This 'friends' stuff that women like to pull is a huge hot button for pretty much every guy. We've all been burned by women who want to be 'friends'. The problem is that it can mean so many different things to different women, but usually it ends up in the guy getting hurt. My suggestion is that women eradicate the word 'friend' when it comes to men. Either date them or ignore them. Men and women shouldn't be 'friends'.
sagetalk Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 My suggestion is that women eradicate the word 'friend' when it comes to men. Either date them or ignore them. Men and women shouldn't be 'friends'. The only way it can work is if the uninterested person tells the interested person that there will never be romantic feelings for them. Then it can work, but it would be tough. In a Long Distance Relationship it would be easier. If you see them in your everyday life, I'd imagine it would sting something awful.
Left in a Lurch Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 not a guy but this is what i do. i tell the guy things i say and do when i like a guy and have him figure it out that i am not doing it for him. you could also talk about other guys you like. This is a terrible, terrible thing to do, it can be torture. It's natural that the guy is looking for signals that you are interested and will misinterpret things like this, and will ignore the signs that might be counter to what he wants. That's what happens when you are interested in someone and trying to figure out what they think about you. He'll think her spending time with him and NOT telling him she is not interested is a good sign, and then be perplexed and hurt and wonder why when they are watching a movie together on the couch she says something like, "I love really short men!" when it seemed to him like things were going well. Put yourself in this situation, how would you like it? You find a guy you really like, he comes over and you cook him dinner, talk, laugh, and at the end of the night he says, "Thank you for dinner. I think I am going to walk it off and look for a hot blond chick" then leaves. Wherever this idea came from put it back and drop a hand grenade in there. Terrible idea, just terrible.
Author bolase Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 thanks all of you for your opinions, I didn't think the guys would feel so strongly but being burned sucks. Not long ago, I learned my lesson about not being honest with your intentions (once you realise what they really are). I hooked up with a guy who only wanted something casual, just once, and afterwards told him that I didnt feel 'casual' was for me, I'd get hurt, and wanted something real and not half-assed. He seemed to agree, told me that casual sex wasn't for him either, made an effort as my friend and took me on a date. He told me he'd fallen for me... but took the next player chick who came along and when I called him on it, admitted that 'casual IS the ideal for me right now'. douche. Yes we need a support group I haven't told him any lies or given any impressions on the date, no physical actions. Just acted on my feelings and I'm continuing to do so by being honest with him after that one 'date'. I'm not going to meet him and tell him in person as that would be building his hopes, I'll just text out of the blue and tell him that I might be jumping the gun, but I like hanging out as friends but to me there's nothing more. okay!! Thanks for the advice. It adds squelch to my happiness but what can you do.
Author bolase Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 after reading the "I'm really busy game" thread that seems to be the main and understandable alternative, its euphemistic but does that hurt less? Thats what ive done up until now, because it's true, i'm trying to finish a thesis, but also of course if he sparked me up big time I would try to make room. So my question is - is that a softer and preferable way for a girl to tell you that shes not interested? You get to be the rejector? Anyway, I'm sending this text and hope for the best, worth trying the honest approach.
Left in a Lurch Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Yes we need a support group I haven't told him any lies or given any impressions on the date, no physical actions. Just acted on my feelings and I'm continuing to do so by being honest with him after that one 'date'. Something to consider, you obviously know he viewed it as a date and you refer to it as such. Agreeing to go on a date or a date-like situation with someone is a strong indicator to them that you had some interest and it will always be hard to "show" them otherwise.
sagetalk Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 tell him that I might be jumping the gun, but I like hanging out as friends but to me there's nothing more. Is that how you really feel? I don't think so. Tell him the last part but not the first. Remember, the truth, stick to it .
tigressA Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Is that how you really feel? I don't think so. Tell him the last part but not the first. Remember, the truth, stick to it . I think by "jumping the gun" she means that she may be being presumptuous--assuming he has interest in her beyond friendship, etc. I would say something like that in order to diffuse any possible embarrassment.
Author bolase Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 Something to consider, you obviously know he viewed it as a date and you refer to it as such. Agreeing to go on a date or a date-like situation with someone is a strong indicator to them that you had some interest and it will always be hard to "show" them otherwise. yeah I wanted to give it one crack and see...a movie is hardly a commitment! I would like to hang out with him, go and do things, not that I can't with other people, he's just a cool person - if it's possible by him.
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