Lion Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 We have decided to agree to disagree.... My Girlfriend is a wonderful person. She loves me very much and I love her very much. We are both 25 and have been together for 3 years. We share many of the same ideas and values. We have some differences. She tells me she wants to settle down, share a place together and eventually get married and have kids. I am not ready to settle down at least not for a few years. She has said she is "greedy" wanting more of me. More commitment, more "I love you", more texts, too see me more often. I enjoy our time together but I also enjoy time alone. I am quite happy to do things on my own. I am an only child. She worries about spending time on her own and is very extrovert - she gains confidence and assurance from others. I am internally confident, and so is she but I don't think she realises how to be confident. Her neediness carries potential to push me away. My lack of "neediness" makes her concerned about our future. She wants to feel needed and loved. We have decided that this means we are not right for each other at present. What can I do to help her? Your reply is much appreciated. Thank you
Ilovecake Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I don't know, it sounds like you two have already discussed this. Your girl sounds extremely insecure and unfortunately there is nothing you can do to fix that. Have you suggested that she seek professional therapy to see where her insecurity stems from? Maybe suggest some hobbies to her. Does she have any friends to hang out with? I'm like you, I absolutely can not bare to not have time to myself. I would run for the hills if I was dating someone that needy. Maybe if she sees that by being overbearing and smothering she's going to lose you it will help her see her problem. She can’t depend on other people for her happiness, she has to make that herself and other people will then enhance her life.
Author Lion Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Hey Ilovecake! She actually has been having counselling infrequently for most of her adult life, reasons include some parental issues when she was a child. She has about a gazillion more friends than me and is a very public person as opposed to private like me. She said she will try to find out why she is so reliant on other people to make her happy. She loves to talk and talk and talk lol thanks
EthanH Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 If this wasn't such a serious situation, the final sentence of your post would make me laugh. You go on about how needy she is, how she relies on you so much, and then you ask what you can do for her! I know you love her, I know you want her to be happy. The reality is, if you have explained to her about why you aren't happy with her, there isn't much you can do. You essentially want different things, and so there is nothing really you can do to make her happy, it is incompatible. The reality is that the only thing that would make her happy is for you to be as committed to her as vice-versa, and that is not going to happen. She needs to be able to live on her own to be happy with anyone. To be self sufficient. She is never going to be happy with someone until she is able to be happy without relying on someone. And to be honest, she isn't going to realise that until she is single, I don't think... even if you spell things out to her, you are always going to feel that you want different things. To be honest, in many ways she reminds me of myself (the talk and talk and talk bit)...so I can empathise with her... it was only when I hit ground zero that I realised how my priorities were so badly wrong. No amount of people speaking to me would have made me realise. It was something I got, only when I realised I was alone, that I had to start from square one, and I began to accept that I cannot think that my ex will provide me with any happiness, at least in the short time. Support her, but at the same time, you have to let her go, if you are nice, she will just spend all her time trying to think how she can get you back.
Author Lion Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 Thank you for the priceless advice EthanH. Much appreciated!
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