I'm angry at my boyfriend and I don't know if I should be.

[Kamille]

Like I said, it would have taken 5 min tops to figure out and we had one whole week. It's something quite simple that his family wouldn't have minded. I'm sure his mom would have been happy to have me with her if she had been aware of this.

 

I just find him not being pro-active at all with his family. It's like they don't freaking communicate. And it wouldn't be an issue if I saw them more often or had their phone number, because then I'd just do it myself.

 

So why didn't you simply ask him for his mom's phone number so you could see if you could be helpful to the family in any way?

 

Are these differing organizational styles a recurring issue?

[SadandConfusedWA]

Who knows for sure how he is feeling, I am sure he's not jumping for joy...

 

My brother is one of those guys that never shows emotion, and he deals with grief in a much different way than I do. He once lost a child, and now, when it comes to funerals, he can't cope. He gets even more distant and strange than he is normally. One thing I do know is that EVERY funeral brings him back to the death of his child. Perhaps PB's bf is feeling nostalgic over the death of his best friend. That's why I don't think going to a concert with his friends is strange. Maybe he wants to dissasociate. Nothing strange about that.

 

One thing I know for sure is that picking a fight during a funeral is the wrong time. His reaction may be indicative of a long-standing pattern of aloof behaviour, but perhaps, the night before the funeral of a family member isn't the best time to bring it up.

 

If anyone brought up a "what abut me???" during me dealing with the death of a family member, I'd be seriously upset.

 

If he's been acting like a dick lately- this may just be the icing on the crappy cake for PB. But I'd let things settle for a couple days before introducing more pressure.

 

 

I am not sure how close he was to his uncle. Just because a family memeber dies doesn't mean that you are always shattered - if you are not close to the said family member.

 

I remember when my grandfather died, I cried for a couple of days but I wouldn't say that I was shattered. I was never close to him, we spoke maybe once a year - if that. He was a self-absorbed alcoholic - never cared about anything but getting the next drink. Yet, people made all kinds of allowances for me because my grandfather died.

[D-Lish]

I am not sure how close he was to his uncle. Just because a family memeber dies doesn't mean that you are always shattered - if you are not close to the said family member.

 

I remember when my grandfather died, I cried for a couple of days but I wouldn't say that I was shattered. I was never close to him, we spoke maybe once a year - if that. He was a self-absorbed alcoholic - never cared about anything but getting the next drink. Yet, people made all kinds of allowances for me because my grandfather died.

 

And they should have! Because regardless of whether or not you were shattered, it was still a death in your family, and people should have been mindful of that.

 

I don't discount that PB should have some concerns, only that she should allow the funeral to come and go, and then address them.

 

My bro gets wonky when he has to deal with a funeral- primarily because I KNOW it reminds of of a really hard loss. Every funeral is the same- the process, the church, the wake, etc. It's natural to assume that anyone that has experienced a loss will associate that loss when someone else dies. My bro re-lives the loss of his child everytime he experiences the grief of someone else's loss.

 

It's easy to say that PB's bf isn't shattered, and therefore should be held more accountable for his actions. But maybe this funeral is bringing up a whole host of emotions having to do with his friend that died recently.

 

I give people a free pass when it comes to death. But that's just me.

 

If the relationship was suffering prior to this, I wouldn't think to use his reaction to a family funeral against him.

[Green]

I am not sure how close he was to his uncle. Just because a family memeber dies doesn't mean that you are always shattered - if you are not close to the said family member.

 

I remember when my grandfather died, I cried for a couple of days but I wouldn't say that I was shattered. I was never close to him, we spoke maybe once a year - if that. He was a self-absorbed alcoholic - never cared about anything but getting the next drink. Yet, people made all kinds of allowances for me because my grandfather died.

 

First off I don't think it is for us or his gf to judge how "shattered" he is by this death. Second, he is aloud to live his life and go to concerts and drink with out being made to feel like it is a dis on the memory of his dead relative.

[SadandConfusedWA]

First off I don't think it is for us or his gf to judge how "shattered" he is by this death. Second, he is aloud to live his life and go to concerts and drink with out being made to feel like it is a dis on the memory of his dead relative.

 

Sure he is. It's just that people that are very grief stricken normally don't party the night before the funeral. It's odd.

[Ruby Slippers]

I just find him not being pro-active at all with his family. It's like they don't freaking communicate.

Look, I don't mean to offend you when I say this, but you are starting to sound like a control freak in this thread.

 

Everybody deals with their own family in their own way. And funeral planning is a tough time. soserious is right -- usually, no one knows what's really going on till right before.

 

It sounds to me like you are questioning your relationship, wondering how serious you are about this guy, starting to think about what it will be like to be with him long term. Let me save you a lot of worry right now and tell you: Nobody's perfect.

 

And I find your "he'd be miserable without me" comment strange. It's a lie (we hope), or you have a very codependent relationship.

[norajane]

But for some reason it turned into me having to remind him daily (even though he sees them daily), and one week later, he completely failed to solve this one little request. It's something I would have figured out for him in no time if roles were switched. So yeah, I'm kind of disappointed

 

I'm guessing this is how it always is - you are the planner and he flies by the seat of his pants and doesn't necessarily follow through. You always want the details organized and taken care of. He lets the details work themselves out. This funeral thing is just one example of control freak clashes with laissez-faire personality.

 

This is something you will chronically be disappointed about with him. He'll always let you down if you measure him by your expectations of how you would do things.

 

And he will be chronically frustrated by you if you are always nagging him every day about something or other. He'll always feel like he's not good enough in your eyes.

 

Work it out - you have to ease up and go with the flow when it's not that important, and take control and do it yourself when it is. If this was so important to you, you could have asked for his mom's phone number and called her yourself. You probably should have done so anyway simply to express your sympathy for her loss.

 

Work it out - teach him how to treat you. Ask him, say please and thank you and make sure you show your appreciation when he does what you ask him to do. If he doesn't do what you ask, don't nag constantly, find an appropriate time to discuss the issue with him. Appropriate is not in the midst of funeral planning or during the funeral.

 

This funeral issue? Suck it up, girlfriend. It's 45 minutes that you can devote to quiet meditation on the meaning of life and death. It's 45 minutes you can think about the important people in your life to whom you should show your love and appreciation while you still have them, alive and well. It's 45 minutes you can take out of your week and think about someone other than yourself and your awkwardness.

 

A man died. A man with a family, a life, a history, loves, dreams, hopes. Respect that and don't use his funeral to sulk about your relationship issues.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Look, I don't mean to offend you when I say this, but you are starting to sound like a control freak in this thread.

 

Everybody deals with their own family in their own way. And funeral planning is a tough time. soserious is right -- usually, no one knows what's really going on till right before.

 

It sounds to me like you are questioning your relationship, wondering how serious you are about this guy, starting to think about what it will be like to be with him long term. Let me save you a lot of worry right now and tell you: Nobody's perfect.

 

And I find your "he'd be miserable without me" comment strange. It's a lie (we hope), or you have a very codependent relationship.

 

If you followed her threads, PB has an extremly high opinion of herself. Crashing back to earth is going to be an eye opener and important lesson for her.

[prettybaby]

Ok, I'm back from the funeral. Sorry, I haven't had time yet to read the responses on page 4.

 

So anyway, the funeral went well. It turns out that his mother knew about it, and they had already planned something for me. And the flowers they bought also included my name. Basically, it had all been figured out well in advance, but for some reason he completely failed to communicate this properly with me.

 

I wasn't going to act annoyed about it; this I had already decided in advance. Especially since it was a funeral. So I had already planned to stay in the background and let things fold out.

 

His family was very nice. I'm starting to get a better feel of how they consider me part of their group now, so the next event won't be as stressful in advance as this one. Because I can see now that they're not going to leave me on the side.

 

Anyway, the funeral was sad. But I have to admire how it never fails to bring families closer together.

[RobM]

I glad it turned out ok and you never really had anything to be stressed about.

[D-Lish]

Sounds like you handled yourself well PB!

[threebyfate]

So anyway, the funeral went well. It turns out that his mother knew about it, and they had already planned something for me. And the flowers they bought also included my name. Basically, it had all been figured out well in advance, but for some reason he completely failed to communicate this properly with me.

He's a typical guy where details about niceties aren't important to him.

[prettybaby]

You feel he's not looking after you properly and paying you enough attention. You may well be right in that and it's something for you to consider. If you don't feel he's taking enough care of you and noticing you now, then is there any point staying with him?

Nah, that's not how I feel at all. He's a great guy with a heart of gold. He just sucks at communicating sometimes, which is what got me frustrated in this situation. At least the extend of it wasn't as far as I assumed, and he did in fact communicate with his parents and got things figured out for me in advance. But then it turns out he didn't bother telling me. Something I will keep in mind next time. This was the first big event of the sort with his family where I was invited. It was something so formal, I was just worried about being the third wheel at some point.

 

Yesterday has made me more confident about where I stand, and also about the fact that they're not going to leave me like an outsider, and that he did in fact care and figured it out for me. So it was a nice surprise after he had remained so vague about it all for a week.

 

It sounds like you are now less important to him than you once were.

I have no idea how you got to that conclusion, but you're very far off.

 

I also find it weird that after so much time together you don't have his family's phone number that he sees every day.

It's not weird. I only see them for celebrations and such. They just tell him when and where and then we go together. I've never needed to call them for anything.

 

So why didn't you simply ask him for his mom's phone number so you could see if you could be helpful to the family in any way?

 

Are these differing organizational styles a recurring issue?

If I had asked for his mom's phone number, people would have said I'm treating him like an incapable doormat instead of like a man. It would have shown a serious lack of trust, because he told me from day one that he would ask them. The only good response to that was "okay thanks".

 

It's not a recurring issue in terms of how we organize things usually. Like I said, he's generally a well organized, thoughtful person. The reason why I said I was worried from day one about this happening was because of the last funeral we've been to. It was a friend's funeral. And while we were simply invited and weren't involved in organizing it, the people who did organize it had done a pretty bad job. Him and I ended up being placed somewhere in the back, in an awkward spot. And the organizers failed to lead people in the right directions, so we even ended up missing the actual burrial. That's when I told him: "now we've seen what happens when a funeral is badly organized. Let's not make the same mistakes for this one." Especially since this one was about his family, so it was very important for me not to mess it up.

 

I am not sure how close he was to his uncle. Just because a family memeber dies doesn't mean that you are always shattered - if you are not close to the said family member.

Yeah, you're right. He was a little sad, sure. But I can't say he was grieving super bad. I've seen him much sadder at some other funerals.

 

And I find your "he'd be miserable without me" comment strange. It's a lie (we hope), or you have a very codependent relationship.

No it's not. That's what you do when you've found the one: you can't imagine life without them. It doesn't mean that the relationship is unhealthy.

 

If you followed her threads, PB has an extremly high opinion of herself. Crashing back to earth is going to be an eye opener and important lesson for her.

What are you talking about? Just because I said he would be miserable without me? It's the truth. And it's likewise or me. I would be miserable without him. We love each other to death. We see our future together and have discussed marriage and children. We are each other's number one, and neither of us has any doubt about that.