silverfish Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Aren't there other close family members to your BF (similar age) that have BFs and GFs? Funerals are awkward and no one likes to discuss all those details at all before the event. I went to my ex MILs funeral late last year and ended up between my ex H and his Dad ( I mean, sat between them ) it was really strange but also sort of touching that it ended up like that....it seemed that's how they wanted it at the last second when everyone was sitting down. However, I had to blag a lift there with a long lost cousin I'd never met before.... I paid for quite a lot of the food and cooked it and cleaned the house beforehand, and other stuff that didn't get acknowledged. Can't you just text your BF 'can I sit next to you tomorrow honey' or something? Then just sit outside....believe me, there will be a lot of awkward people who don't know eachother attending there always are.
mansquito Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Yes, because this could potentially become extremely awkard, and since I'm not comfortable with this people, it's something I really wanted to avoid. I do not know how it's going to be there at 9:15am. -1- If I'm gonna be sitting there in a corner alone for an hour, they'll be wondering what the hell I'm doing there doing nothing and why there were no better arrangements. You are not the center of the universe. Nobody will care.
RobM Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Let me make sure I understand this, you're LIVID because he didn't make arrangements for something for you to do for the hour before the funeral. I think you need to give him a pass on this one. Just find a quiet seat and watch what's going on, offer to help if they need it. Funerals are hard enough without drama, you're supposed to be there to support your bf who lost someone that means something him, he's there to support the immediate family, none of this is about you. Sometimes you just have to be there for other people.
mansquito Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Also: you won't be sitting there for an hour. You will be sitting there for 45 minutes. I bet you'll handle it fine.
Author prettybaby Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 You are not the center of the universe. I'm well aware of that. Thank you very much.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I don't understand why you expect him to make plans for what you'll be doing during the 45 minutes before the funeral. You're a grown woman, not his child. A family member just died, and he has plenty of things to worry about beyond you being bored for 45 minutes. Either get there with him before and entertain yourself or make yourself useful, or find your own way there right before it starts. Funerals are almost always boring and eternal. Suck it up and deal. You'll live.
Author prettybaby Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Also: you won't be sitting there for an hour. You will be sitting there for 45 minutes. I bet you'll handle it fine. Before everybody has arrived and mass can actually start, it will most probably be an hour. Don't make me sound like I'm whining, of course I will be fine no matter what. I'm just saying that this is something that should have been arranged better from the start. Like I said, it would have taken 5 min tops to figure out and we had one whole week. It's something quite simple that his family wouldn't have minded. I'm sure his mom would have been happy to have me with her if she had been aware of this. I'm just frustrated because no matter how hard I tried, I'm ending up with the very same situation I was trying to avoid. That's the real point here that I'm frustrated about. Whether I'll be comfortable or not is only a consequence. The real cause remains the same.
Author prettybaby Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 I don't understand why you expect him to make plans for what you'll be doing during the 45 minutes before the funeral. You're a grown woman, not his child. A family member just died, and he has plenty of things to worry about beyond you being bored for 45 minutes. Either get there with him before and entertain yourself or make yourself useful, or find your own way there right before it starts. Funerals are almost always boring and eternal. Suck it up and deal. You'll live. Again that's not my point, and he had absolutely nothing to plan in advance. If I had their phone number, I would have arranged this in no time. He only had to ask them one question. He sees them every day. Of course I'll live, that's not the point.
make me believe Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Prettybaby, I'm sorry but I think that you're completely over-reacting now. Honestly, nobody is going to be paying any attention to you. They are not going to think it's weird if you show up with your bf 45 minutes beforehand and sit quietly in your seat as people are greeted and file in. I mean, really. They probably won't even notice what you're doing! (Although I do agree that bringing a book would be incredibly disrespectful! As would not going at all.)
Author prettybaby Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Prettybaby, I'm sorry but I think that you're completely over-reacting now. Honestly, nobody is going to be paying any attention to you. They are not going to think it's weird if you show up with your bf 45 minutes beforehand and sit quietly in your seat as people are greeted and file in. I mean, really. They probably won't even notice what you're doing! (Although I do agree that bringing a book would be incredibly disrespectful! As would not going at all.) Yeah, I realize I sound like I'm overreacting. I think it's because I'm trying to explain the situation and respond to comments, so it looks like I'm writing a novel about a small issue lol Really though, the actual reason why I started this thread was to check whether I had valid reasons to be frustrated or if I was being stupid. I still think that he completely let me down on this one. Even if it's a small issue. It feels like something not that small to me, because it's his family. I don't know them that well, and messing up on a funeral that means a lot to some of them would be a disaster to me. Because I love my boyfriend very much and I see them all as future in-laws. So when he puts me in that kind of situation where the odds of me being in a bad position or doing something that they may not appreciate, really makes me angry. Because I tried hard to figure out this simple thing well in advance, but he didn't do anything. If he had told me from the start to figure it out myself, I would have. But because he kept putting me off, I'm left here last minute with no alternative plan. I know I'l be fine. It's just the way it all happened that makes me frustrated.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I still have no idea what you're angry about. Can you state it in one simple sentence? "I am angry because..." I think it must be something deeper than what you're saying here, because it's not making any sense. And the thing about the concert -- who cares if he goes to a concert the night before? He's not the one who died. No reason for him not to have a good time with his brother.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 It feels like something not that small to me, because it's his family. I don't know them that well, and messing up on a funeral that means a lot to some of them would be a disaster to me. Because I love my boyfriend very much and I see them all as future in-laws. Ah, now we're getting to the heart of the matter. You feel hurt that he is not making a bigger deal about this, since it involves you spending time around his family. OK, that I can understand. But a funeral is not the time to expect his best, most together behavior. I would try not to take anything around this event personally. Funerals are always weird. The best thing you can do right now is be LOW-maintenance, supportive, and understanding, and make no demands of him. If anything is going to bring you closer, that's it. Also, I went to a funeral with a boyfriend, and his family was totally chatting me up before and after. It's a social event with a reverent tone.
make me believe Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 The best thing you can do right now is be LOW-maintenance, supportive, and understanding, and make no demands of him. If anything is going to bring you closer, that's it. I agree! I do understand why you're upset with your boyfriend (and I probably would be too), but Ruby does make a good point that this is a special & delicate situation and you should try not to take anything personally when it involves death & grieving. So I think that now what you need to do is show up WITH your boyfriend, ask if there is anything you can help with (ask multiple people, not just your bf. Even if you think everything is taken care of, you never know what someone might need done that you didn't think of), and if there isn't anything for you to do just sit in your seat and wait, or try to mingle with people. I think that his family will notice if you are quietly helpful/supportive. And if they don't... well, their uncle/son/brother just died so it's understandable!
Author prettybaby Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 The best thing you can do right now is be LOW-maintenance, supportive, and understanding, and make no demands of him. If anything is going to bring you closer, that's it. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I wasn't planning to make a scene at all. Just wanted to check with you guys if my feelings tonight have some validity. Not much I can do about it now anyway. I'll just have to see how it all folds out and I'll be descrete so I won't stick out like a sore thumb in case of a faux pas.
silverfish Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I agree with Ruby...but I understand your feelings. Just hold that thought and watch how he treats you if that's where your concern is - if you are concerned about his feelings for you then I'm sure there will be times throughout the day where you will feel his emotions towards you one way or another. Just don't let your emotions right now get in the way of that. You see this as a test of how important you are to him? I get that completely! All I would say though is don't jeopardise that by acting out and being needy in any way on a sensitive occasion - just be watchful and a little detatched because you'll get a truer picture that way.
soserious1 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Exactly. This is why I asked him from day one. I've been to enough funerals to know that this is not the type of thing you can figure out well on the spot. Because people come in their own little groups, people cry and grieve and they're just not in a state to help anyone out who's on the side. Because odds are they won't even notice anyone on the side. Like I said, I do not know them that well. I mean, sure, we've had family dinners and such, but not enough to say that I'm completely comfortable with them and that they'll even wonder about me tomorrow. I can assure you though, if I DON'T show up, then they'll notice quick enough and think I'm being rude and insensitive. So I'll still have to go. I mean, I'll just suck it up and figure out something. I just wanted to check whether I was being crazy here for being frustrated with him. All along the way in a relationship there are tests, situations that tell a person about the character of the man/woman they've been dating. What have your words/actions been showing your b/friend about you? I'd say you need to consider doing the following. 1. begin by accepting that he is grieving, his needs, the needs of his extended family outweigh any concern you might have.Due to grief, questions such as "Will I be riding in the limo to the church with the family?" have not yet been answered. 2. Make stand by arrangements to get yourself to the church for the service..borrow money for a taxi, ask a friend or family member of yours for a ride if need be, explain that it isn't clear yet if you will be riding in the funeral procession car with your b/friend's family. Chances are good somebody will be calling you early in the am to clarify arrangements..if not use your backup plan. 2. Since printed invites were sent by name, chances are good this is going to be a fairly large service, there will undoubtedly be ushers at the church who will escort you to your assigned pew, just quietly follow their lead, if you know the family well and your name was included with your b/friend's on the invite, this means you've been formally acknowledged as a couple by the family & will be seated with the family.. it's also possible that the ushers will seat you apart from the family & that your b/friend or another family member will indicate to you that you should move up to sit with them. 3. if you do ride in the car with the family, again, you just follow their lead, ask at the church what you can do to help bring extra tissue in your bag, breath mints, a small bottle of hand lotion, small comfort items to quietly offer if they seem needed. When in doubt just quietly offer your sympathy, ask if there is anything they need you to do.. act in a quiet, elegant way. Btw, getting upset if your b/friend's EX is there is not a good idea since her sister is part of the family. All that will serve to do is to make you look like a selfish, cold biatch to anybody who hears you.
Author prettybaby Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 You see this as a test of how important you are to him? Nah, I know I'm his number one. He'd be miserable without me, and he's made that clear so I'm not worried about it. I do kind of look at this small bump as a failure though in terms of how he's got my back in such situations. At the end of the day, I'm sure the funeral will be okay. But to be completely honest with you, I used to think he wouldn't let me down in this type of scenario, and now I'm not so sure. And yeah, I'm a grown woman. I can take care of myself. But it is disappointing. I know him. He'll be holding my hand, and as soon as mass is over, he'll stick right next to me at the cemetery and during the family gathering afterward. He'll have his affectionate little gestures and kiss my hand. I just find him not being pro-active at all with his family. It's like they don't freaking communicate. And it wouldn't be an issue if I saw them more often or had their phone number, because then I'd just do it myself. But I find now that I can't count on him to relay one simple question to them. It wouldn't have been a headache for anyone; I'm sure most would have been like "hey sure, let her stick with us, we'll go there together at 10". But for some reason it turned into me having to remind him daily (even though he sees them daily), and one week later, he completely failed to solve this one little request. It's something I would have figured out for him in no time if roles were switched. So yeah, I'm kind of disappointed. And next time this type of situation shows up, I will most probably take the bull by the horns and make sure I have myself covered without asking him anything. Which sucks in a way, because it's his family and I felt it was something so easy. Oh well. Anyway, I should go to bed now. I have to get up early tomorrow. Don't worry guys, I'll be nice lol
silverfish Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Nah, I know I'm his number one. He'd be miserable without me, and he's made that clear so I'm not worried about it. I do kind of look at this small bump as a failure though in terms of how he's got my back in such situations. At the end of the day, I'm sure the funeral will be okay. But to be completely honest with you, I used to think he wouldn't let me down in this type of scenario, and now I'm not so sure. And yeah, I'm a grown woman. I can take care of myself. But it is disappointing. I know him. He'll be holding my hand, and as soon as mass is over, he'll stick right next to me at the cemetery and during the family gathering afterward. He'll have his affectionate little gestures and kiss my hand. I just find him not being pro-active at all with his family. It's like they don't freaking communicate. And it wouldn't be an issue if I saw them more often or had their phone number, because then I'd just do it myself. But I find now that I can't count on him to relay one simple question to them. It wouldn't have been a headache for anyone; I'm sure most would have been like "hey sure, let her stick with us, we'll go there together at 10". But for some reason it turned into me having to remind him daily (even though he sees them daily), and one week later, he completely failed to solve this one little request. It's something I would have figured out for him in no time if roles were switched. So yeah, I'm kind of disappointed. And next time this type of situation shows up, I will most probably take the bull by the horns and make sure I have myself covered without asking him anything. Which sucks in a way, because it's his family and I felt it was something so easy. Oh well. Anyway, I should go to bed now. I have to get up early tomorrow. Don't worry guys, I'll be nice lol I really understand how you feel believe me I've been there...these occasions are so much about your 'position in the family' its becomes like the Godfather all of a sudden...no one wants to be Kaye left out there in the cold while they're all doing the weird Sicilian dancing Sorry....hope it goes well tomorrow PB...it's not a happy occasion, but for you and your BF a chance to reinforce your relationship publically with family there - priceless - do your best...I'm sure they'll love ya to bits
txsilkysmoothe Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I don't think you have a right to be frustrated with him. It seems that you had a good suspicion that this was going to happen. You seem to know him well and knew this was one of those things he's not good at. Therefore, I think you should have taken matters into your own hands. So why don't you have any of his families phone numbers? It kind of seems that what you're really upset about is that he hasn't "fostered" a closer relationship between you and his family, hasn't included you in his frequent visits with them. I could be wrong. Best of luck.
Green Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Personaly I would be embaressed if I were you. What if his mother died? Would you make him feel guilty for going to the concert then? Would you expect him to plan out what you should do for one hour then? You are a grown up just sit down. Its a funeral what is there to figure out.
spiderowl Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Well, it is bound to be annoying that he didn't answer your question until late. It's also a bit odd (but perhaps not that unusual) for him to be going to a concert the night before the funeral. It's not something I would do, but maybe tickets were bought a long time ago, who knows? It sounds to me like you have some issues with your boyfriend that were there before this incident. You were expecting this to happen so there must have been a precedent. You feel he's not looking after you properly and paying you enough attention. You may well be right in that and it's something for you to consider. If you don't feel he's taking enough care of you and noticing you now, then is there any point staying with him? The only other thing I would say is that I was a bit like you at your age. I was very dependent on other people and felt I needed support when out with strangers. Thankfully now I'm older and have been through quite a lot. Going to a funeral on my own and hanging around for an hour until my friend was free to be with me wouldn't bother me too much. I'd see it as my role (if you like) to get talking to the other people there and perhaps be supportive. I know it wouldn't be my uncle and there would be people there who are grieving, so maybe I could listen and be of some help. Maybe you are a bit too self-conscious at the moment and not realising how much you have got to offer other people. If you think of them and what you can do to help them to feel more at ease, then you'll forget about yourself. I am used to going into places on my own now and I've finally realised that people don't care what I'm up to or why I'm there on my own; they are only interested in whether I'm friendly and there for them. Maybe if you look at it like that, you'll realise you already have plenty to do and don't need your boyfriend to be there are that time.
SadandConfusedWA Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 This is the case of building up resentment by not discussing prior issues (his ex gf). That is what is at the root of this. Also, your "man" was always extremly passive so this is what you have signed up for. It sounds like you are now less important to him than you once were. I also find it weird that after so much time together you don't have his family's phone number that he sees every day.
D-Lish Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I think it's extra important to give someone leeway when it comes to death and funerals and how people handle it. My grandfather died shortly after meeting my exH- and he had to look after himself during some parts of the day. He just did whatever I needed him to, and he was super supportive with whatever I needed, even if it meant waiting, talking to people he didn't know, etc. Looking back, I really appreciated how effortlessly he handled things. If the two of you have relationship issues, I'd put them aside while dealing with the funeral. Address your relationship issues once the funeral is done. That's how I'd handle it.
SadandConfusedWA Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 The thing is, this guy is not consumed by grief. I mean "people deal with grief in different ways" sounds good and all, but this guy is partying it up at the concert the night before the funeral. If he could manage to go to the concert, he certainly could manage to accomodate his gf - if he wanted to.
D-Lish Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 The thing is, this guy is not consumed by grief. I mean "people deal with grief in different ways" sounds good and all, but this guy is partying it up at the concert the night before the funeral. If he could manage to go to the concert, he certainly could manage to accomodate his gf - if he wanted to. Who knows for sure how he is feeling, I am sure he's not jumping for joy... My brother is one of those guys that never shows emotion, and he deals with grief in a much different way than I do. He once lost a child, and now, when it comes to funerals, he can't cope. He gets even more distant and strange than he is normally. One thing I do know is that EVERY funeral brings him back to the death of his child. Perhaps PB's bf is feeling nostalgic over the death of his best friend. That's why I don't think going to a concert with his friends is strange. Maybe he wants to dissasociate. Nothing strange about that. One thing I know for sure is that picking a fight during a funeral is the wrong time. His reaction may be indicative of a long-standing pattern of aloof behaviour, but perhaps, the night before the funeral of a family member isn't the best time to bring it up. If anyone brought up a "what abut me???" during me dealing with the death of a family member, I'd be seriously upset. If he's been acting like a dick lately- this may just be the icing on the crappy cake for PB. But I'd let things settle for a couple days before introducing more pressure.
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