RedDevil66 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 lostit... What a sweet girl you are. It's time to get ANGRY. Angry for YOU--as a protective measure--that you will not stand for being treated like a doormat. Your H is telling you that he isn't sure the sex with you could ever be so hot as this taboo forbidden stuff. Boy, is that insulting. You really need to go NC. Take this man back now, (or in a month or two when the sex either isn't so good or she's left him) without any consequences for him, and he WILL do it again. YES YES YES. GET ANGRY! You are being WAY too nice to him. He will never take you back because he knows he can have you. You don't have to play any 180, I hate games, but you need to stop being so passive. I'm gringing reading how you're begging for him back because I did the exact SAME THING when my ex of 11 yrs left me for someone else. I look back and feel sick to think how I begged. When I stopped begging and went on with my life (It was SO SO painful), the dishrag came running back, but I didn't take him back. PLEASE stop begging him. CUT HIM OFF, go NC., I am sure you're worried he will forget you, but he won't. PLEASE GET ANGRY!
RedDevil66 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I'm trying I just turned 28. I have my sister in Ft. Worth. A couple of friends I met through her. I hadn't text him in almost 2 days, then he txts me at 6am about how he feels unsure about her, how he loved and missed me, how he thought about me all Saturday night wishing i was home. I spill my guts to him for him just to say i don't make him feel the same way. How he can't drag me back not even knowing where he is. I just don't understand. I don't feel anger. I just feel numbing, blinding pain. I feel like something is wrong with me, like I don't love right, like she is worthy of his love and I'm not. What is wrong with me? I just feel empty. The last thing I told him was to divorce me, leave me, let me go and mean it. I told him if he doesn't want me, he doesn't get any of me. I fight txting and call him every moment. I don't know why. He has thrown me away, you think I would go. I love him so much. I'm scared and I don't know who I am without him. I don't know how to know me, get thorugh this. My sense of self and confidence is shot, I feel like I can't love him good enough and like I'm unlovable. On Monday I'm putting my notice in at work. As soon as I train someone, I'm leaving for Ft. Worth.... with no job lined up, scrambling to find my last summer class I need to graduate, I'm barely gonna make it through this semester. All I do is hurt and cry, I feel so weak and tired. I miss him more than I can bare, and I'm just this huge mess. I'm scared of how I am gonna make it, I'm scared of who I am. I was in your shoes and I so understand you. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. You will get through this. You need to get angry, keep crying and move on. Fake it til you make it. There is no fast cure cept if he returns, but then you will never trust him again. Nothing but time and anger makes this pain go away.
stillafool Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I'm trying I just turned 28. I have my sister in Ft. Worth. A couple of friends I met through her. I hadn't text him in almost 2 days, then he txts me at 6am about how he feels unsure about her, how he loved and missed me, how he thought about me all Saturday night wishing i was home. I spill my guts to him for him just to say i don't make him feel the same way. How he can't drag me back not even knowing where he is. I just don't understand. I don't feel anger. I just feel numbing, blinding pain. I feel like something is wrong with me, like I don't love right, like she is worthy of his love and I'm not. What is wrong with me? I just feel empty. The last thing I told him was to divorce me, leave me, let me go and mean it. I told him if he doesn't want me, he doesn't get any of me. I fight txting and call him every moment. I don't know why. He has thrown me away, you think I would go. I love him so much. I'm scared and I don't know who I am without him. I don't know how to know me, get thorugh this. My sense of self and confidence is shot, I feel like I can't love him good enough and like I'm unlovable. On Monday I'm putting my notice in at work. As soon as I train someone, I'm leaving for Ft. Worth.... with no job lined up, scrambling to find my last summer class I need to graduate, I'm barely gonna make it through this semester. All I do is hurt and cry, I feel so weak and tired. I miss him more than I can bare, and I'm just this huge mess. I'm scared of how I am gonna make it, I'm scared of who I am. All the feeling you have are normal, it's just that you are stuck in stage 1 of your breakup and I feel your move to Ft. Worth and your sister's support will help you move forward to at least stage 2 which will be acceptance followed by anger. If you can reach the "anger" stage it will at least allow you to see how horribly you have been treated in this entire scenario and will give you the strength to move on. I know right now you don't want to reach a conclusion that the two of you will not be together again; but in time you will feel differently. Your h's lack of contact or perhaps he will try to contact you to get you back will tell you everything you (already know) about how serious he is to reconcile with you. You will make it just fine. You are only 28 and still have a full life ahead of you. You may not believe it now but if you don't get back together with your h you may one day thank him for what he did. Sooo many have felt that way. Afterall, if you two had kids think of how hard it would be on them as well as you.
PhoenixRise Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I'm trying I just turned 28. I have my sister in Ft. Worth. A couple of friends I met through her. I hadn't text him in almost 2 days, then he txts me at 6am about how he feels unsure about her, how he loved and missed me, how he thought about me all Saturday night wishing i was home. I spill my guts to him for him just to say i don't make him feel the same way. How he can't drag me back not even knowing where he is. I just don't understand. I don't feel anger. I just feel numbing, blinding pain. I feel like something is wrong with me, like I don't love right, like she is worthy of his love and I'm not. What is wrong with me? I just feel empty. The last thing I told him was to divorce me, leave me, let me go and mean it. I told him if he doesn't want me, he doesn't get any of me. I fight txting and call him every moment. I don't know why. He has thrown me away, you think I would go. I love him so much. I'm scared and I don't know who I am without him. I don't know how to know me, get thorugh this. My sense of self and confidence is shot, I feel like I can't love him good enough and like I'm unlovable. On Monday I'm putting my notice in at work. As soon as I train someone, I'm leaving for Ft. Worth.... with no job lined up, scrambling to find my last summer class I need to graduate, I'm barely gonna make it through this semester. All I do is hurt and cry, I feel so weak and tired. I miss him more than I can bare, and I'm just this huge mess. I'm scared of how I am gonna make it, I'm scared of who I am. I know you are trying. It IS HARD. and it hurts like hell. But I can promise you that one day you will wake up and you will absolutely know beyond any shadow of a doubt that YOU are not responsible for anybody else's choices. There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused your H to do what he is doing now. Lostit, he got his ego fix when you spilled your guts to him. Then he pushed you away. Right now he has two women who really really want him. He doesn't want to give that up. He will say enough to keep you in place without taking any action to actually repair the marriage if you let him. I will tell you this.... YOU telling HIM to file for divorce is just a gambit to get him to back away from the notion of a divorce. It is giving him, the person who is currently cheating on you and who therefore doesn't have your best interest at heart, the power to determine your life..It is putting you in a position of weakness. With you hoping he will chose you. Lostit...YOU need to file. You need to draw a line in the sand determining what is acceptable to you in a marriage. I get it that you are scared. These are huge, life altering decisions that need to be made. AND for awhile your life might feel like it is getting worse before it gets better. But You will get through this, and you will get stronger day by day. Go NC with him except when it has to do with your children. See a lawyer and file. Go to Ft Worth, to your sister and your friends and let them help/support you through this. Look into IC to help you deal with your feelings and understand your own strength. Don't continue to try to do this all on your own. You need IRL support. AND the next time he call/texts wanting to TALK about how he feels, ask him what he is actually doing to make things right. If he does not give you a listing of actions that he is taking, tell him unless he is taking action to be a better man and to reconcile the marriage, you have nothing to discuss. I really wish you the best of luck. Not saying that it is wrong for you to feel pain (we all do/did) But I am saying that you can't afford to make decisions based on the relationship you thought you had with your spouse pre-affair.
stillafool Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 There is no fast cure cept if he returns, but then you will never trust him again. Yes and you must remember the above. If he walked in right now and said he had given her up for you everything would be good for about 2 weeks and then you would look at him and wonder how could he have ever slept with your friend and hurt you the way he did. You would never really get over it or trust him again. A friend? BTW, you never said much about her. What kind of friend is she to screw your h behind your back? You'll have time to think of all of this later.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 I really thank you for your replies. My strength, my core has been rocked and is low. I'm leaning on people, maybe too much, bc I can't figure out how to lean on a self I don't believe in. I have filed (the first step) months ago. I just haven't proceeded. I told him he would have to do that awhile back, partly bc I don't want to be the one to have ending it on my shoulders when it is him wanting to, partly bc he threw me filing in my face numerous times after I did. I feel very alone. 14 years of having someone there, of sleeping with someone, having them since I was just 14, sharing everything with them, thinking that was it my future always had him in it... to go from that to nothing is so difficult and lonely. I can't imagine feeling like this for so long while I try and heal. It is like he filled me up, and he is gone and now I'm empty and nothing fills me up like he did. I am trying to love him back, it is hard to feel so rejected from the person that knows you the best, the person you thought loved you the most. I've begged, I've filed, I've lashed out and told him I never wanted to see him again, I've cried and told him how much I love him. He has confused me and pull/pushed. I got really strong about 2 months ago and told him that was it, I had had it... he begged me back, I let me guard down and got my hopes up for almost three weeks we lived together again, we had such good days, and of course some bad ones but he couldn't stay away from her he hid it and i found out...i haven't been same since, that was all strength I had, I fought him for almost a week about coming back and he talked me into it to just crush me. I haven't found that strength again. I'm so lost I'm trying. It is just all my days are bad, some I just feel numb and that is better than hurting. I'm just sad for us, all of this that has happened is just terribly sad. I'm lonely and I miss him. I'm scared and I love him so very much. My heart is just broken.
Samantha0905 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 (edited) I really thank you for your replies. My strength, my core has been rocked and is low. I'm leaning on people, maybe too much, bc I can't figure out how to lean on a self I don't believe in. I have filed (the first step) months ago. I just haven't proceeded. I told him he would have to do that awhile back, partly bc I don't want to be the one to have ending it on my shoulders when it is him wanting to, partly bc he threw me filing in my face numerous times after I did. I feel very alone. 14 years of having someone there, of sleeping with someone, having them since I was just 14, sharing everything with them, thinking that was it my future always had him in it... to go from that to nothing is so difficult and lonely. I can't imagine feeling like this for so long while I try and heal. It is like he filled me up, and he is gone and now I'm empty and nothing fills me up like he did. I am trying to love him back, it is hard to feel so rejected from the person that knows you the best, the person you thought loved you the most. I've begged, I've filed, I've lashed out and told him I never wanted to see him again, I've cried and told him how much I love him. He has confused me and pull/pushed. I got really strong about 2 months ago and told him that was it, I had had it... he begged me back, I let me guard down and got my hopes up for almost three weeks we lived together again, we had such good days, and of course some bad ones but he couldn't stay away from her he hid it and i found out...i haven't been same since, that was all strength I had, I fought him for almost a week about coming back and he talked me into it to just crush me. I haven't found that strength again. I'm so lost I'm trying. It is just all my days are bad, some I just feel numb and that is better than hurting. I'm just sad for us, all of this that has happened is just terribly sad. I'm lonely and I miss him. I'm scared and I love him so very much. My heart is just broken. I met my husband at 14 also. It's a young age to feel you've fallen in love and there's a connection there that is difficult to understand unless you've met someone that young. Don't try to love him back anymore. Proceed with filing. Call his bluff. Really. The best advice you are getting here is to not let him see you vulnerable in any way, shape or form again. I'm basing that on how he is treating you. Walk. Let him beg and not just once -- over and over again -- for quite a while. Be tough as nails. If he doesn't beg -- well, then good riddance. If he does over and over again -- still -- keep your guard up if you are willing to go in that direction again. I don't think you should even begin to think about it until you get some counseling and realize you are a person of worth. You deserve to be treated well by whomever. Your life is not about him or your feelings for him. It's about realizing your own blessings and your place in this world -- totally separate from him. Edited May 4, 2010 by Samantha0905
ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I really thank you for your replies. My strength, my core has been rocked and is low. I'm leaning on people, maybe too much, bc I can't figure out how to lean on a self I don't believe in. I have filed (the first step) months ago. I just haven't proceeded. I told him he would have to do that awhile back, partly bc I don't want to be the one to have ending it on my shoulders when it is him wanting to, partly bc he threw me filing in my face numerous times after I did. I feel very alone. 14 years of having someone there, of sleeping with someone, having them since I was just 14, sharing everything with them, thinking that was it my future always had him in it... to go from that to nothing is so difficult and lonely. I can't imagine feeling like this for so long while I try and heal. It is like he filled me up, and he is gone and now I'm empty and nothing fills me up like he did. I am trying to love him back, it is hard to feel so rejected from the person that knows you the best, the person you thought loved you the most. I've begged, I've filed, I've lashed out and told him I never wanted to see him again, I've cried and told him how much I love him. He has confused me and pull/pushed. I got really strong about 2 months ago and told him that was it, I had had it... he begged me back, I let me guard down and got my hopes up for almost three weeks we lived together again, we had such good days, and of course some bad ones but he couldn't stay away from her he hid it and i found out...i haven't been same since, that was all strength I had, I fought him for almost a week about coming back and he talked me into it to just crush me. I haven't found that strength again. I'm so lost I'm trying. It is just all my days are bad, some I just feel numb and that is better than hurting. I'm just sad for us, all of this that has happened is just terribly sad. I'm lonely and I miss him. I'm scared and I love him so very much. My heart is just broken. Based on what you've just said here and in previous posts, I highly suggest you see an independent counselor, ASAP. I strongly suggest you make some calls, and schedule an appointment tomorrow... Its your tone when you talk about loneliness and not trusting yourself and appearing so hopelessly dependent on this person who's treating you horribly, that I see as the problem. Yes, he did wrong, my dear. But one way or another you have to deal with this. You very likely need professional help. Please understand that you are extremely vulnerable to a lot of things that can make your life worse, i.e. jumping into another relationship, abusing legal/illegal substances or worse. I realize how absurd that may sound, however, this is what I see and there may be some truth to it, whether you're able to see it or not. First consults are often free. Certainly talking to a professional over the phone is; so please don't let money stop you from make some phone calls. You have a lot to sort out because like you said, your self esteem is shot, and you may have strong co dependency issues. I'm not a therapist so obviously, I can't make such a claim; however I suggest you call a professional tomorrow. Google therapists in your area; Yelp them; whatever it takes. Just make a few phone calls. My hunch is you're dealing with an issue inside you that requires something more powerful than LS. Good luck.
stillafool Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Yes at this point I think you do need professional counseling Lost. He was your first love and you went on to marry him. You have never experienced a break up before and your first love always seems to be the hardest to get over. Please seek counseling, you've already lost 20lbs. and you are going to make yourself sick if you keep going this way. You still are probably not eating are you?
how2forgive&2forget Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I'm also 28 Lost and I expected to be with my ex forever. But as of now I'm dating and loving it! Loving the attention and the freedom. You are a prize and your ex--husband is dumb for letting you go, and he will know this one day. Trust me, my ex tried all the tactics to get me back, hated the OW, blamed himself etc, etc...but in the end I was the one who left him because I had lost respect and trust for him and was not interested in a relationship with him anymore. You will feel better. Get counselling, get help for depression if you need it, lean on friends, don't be ashamed to ask for help! Think of your future and the future man who will treasure you like you should be treasured. Your ex is a loser. ((((hugs))))
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 Again thanks so much for giving me your input and advice while I'm trying to figure all this out. I can barely afford to live on my own, much less hundred dollar an hour counseling. I've had a horrible past days. My boss, who knows everything pretty much and who would handle my divorce, thinks I should stay here until August. Where I have a decent salary, freedom to take days off as needed, and certainty for a job so I can get my feet under me a little. He said I shouldn't make a choice such as running to Ft. Worth when I'm so emotional and put added stress of finding a job, living on my sister's couch, and a new place on me. He said I will still hurt in Ft. Worth. He thinks I should stay here, make money, get my last class and school ends tied and he would let me have Fridays off. Then when it gets close to August and my student teaching, to go to Ft. Worth with some money, a better grasp of things, and maybe even a job already lined up there. Which honestly makes more sense. If I moved up there within the month I would basically be sharing a room with my sister or sleeping on the couch. She has a 2 bedroom apt and her little girl, my niece who I'm really close to, is 4 and I'm not taking her room. My sister's boyfriend (and baby daddy) has his own place, but stays with her and my niece a few nights a week. My sister's lease is up in October and she said we could get a 3 bedroom then. I would also have to help out with some kind of rent (but not utilities) more than likely bc her boyfriend pays half hers, where I'm at now is rent and utility bills free. I am not sure what to do. I haven't talked to my husband, or whatever he is, since yesterday morning. It is really hard. I'm trying to be stronger, I just feel numb today which is better than the blinding pain the last few days have been. I'm so scared
ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 My ex agreed when I insisted we mediate our divorce without attorneys, instead of litigating with them involved. My divorce was less than $3000, about $2720. If we didn't own property that figure would have been less. Now that's the fee out the door, not just my portion. I suggest you look into mediation, as litigating with attorney representation can get costly. Do some research. For the record I agree that your decesion to abandon your job is premature. You're going to need all the $$ you can get. I think you should reconsider getting IC, even if you need to bum some cash for a few sessions.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 I'm not worried about a divorce. It would be free bc I work for an atty. It is agreed, not much property, no real debt, etc. a part of me thinks financially and logically staying a few more months for my good job and decent money is smart. emotionally, i'm not sure i can handle being so close to him and being so lonely. i'm not sure what to do. i know i posted about conversation we had yesterday. I have an urge to contact him. to say what i don't know. the last thing he told me was "is it there between us i don't feel it i'm sorry. could it be i don't know. biggest mistake i made is going off course and discovering those feelings with someone else" i miss him. i miss talking to him. i don't want to be nasty. i just love him. i dunno what i'd say really aside from i love him, miss him, i'm trying to accept what he says. i know we'll have to talk eventually to finish things. sometimes it panics me to think of never talking to him again, i don't really want that. its only been a day though. i've just got to get through tonight and deal with tomorrow when it comes i guess. the longest we have ever gone without speaking is two days. i guess if he wanted to talk to me, he would.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 (edited) I completely understand your desire to want to talk to him and attempt repairing this with words. I had the same (and gave in to the same) urges to get a conversation going. What you need to understand is there are NO WORDS you can say that will get through to him right now. We refer to his "state" as affair fog. Talking someone out of it never works. The only thing that WS's respond to are actions by you. If you do call again you'll find what I'm saying to be true. Please understand that he IS enjoying himself and his relationship with the OW right now. Anything he says to the contrary is only a manipulation to keep you around while he's test driving his R with the OW. He'll never admit it to you, but from your STBX's frame of reference he likely feels like he's in love. My point is, you cant talk a person down AFTER they've made the leap. He jumped already. Disconnecting from him (I.e. no contact) makes the transition for him less comfortable and after some time will help you feel less dependant on him. Edited May 5, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27
stillafool Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Lost I completely understand why you want to postpone your move to Ft. Worth. However, I'm sorry that you are not ready to move because it would be good for you to be far remoed from your STBXH. Everything ConflictedGuy27 said is so true. Your H will never admit that he is in love with the OW to you because he does want to keep you hanging on while he romances the OW. You have to continue NC with him because everytime you talk to him you are going to feel worst and it will be a set back. You don't want to hear anymore about their relationship or his feelings for her do you? Is there anyway you can pick up a second job? I did this once after a major breakup and it was great because I didn't have time to think. By the time I got home I was knocked out and it kept me from coming home, thinking, wanting him and then contact him. Not only that but I had all this extra money to play with. Just a thought.
PhoenixRise Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Ok Lostit I don't think you should make your prospects worse as a single mom. So if going to Ft Worth is not going to be a net positive for you then of course you shouldn't put yourself in a bad position just to get away from your H. However, the reason you have been getting the advise to go remains valid. As hard as it is, for your own sake you have to start putting some emotional distance between you and your WS. What the other poster's said is true, he does believe (right or wrong) that he is in love with OW. There is nothing you can say to change this. You have to protect yourself.
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