on1wheel Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Let me preface my post by saying I'm also a BS (betrayed spouse). I will also say I want whatever you think is best for you. I'm on your side...even though as you read you might not think so. Yup, thats a warning of the biatch slap to follow - it won't always be pretty. But read it with an open mind - remember my viewpoint...Im on the outside looking in. I will also tell you that "180" bullcrap is just that - bullcrap. I don't know Katerina's or on1wheel's story but I CAN tell you I wouldn't want to end up as they have - in broken, unhappy, miserable marriages. Actually...what do you want? Do you want to save your M? OR do you want to end it? Obviously, if you want to end it, do so. I live in Texas as well and its REAL easy to file. IF you want your M to survive (and it IS possible to have it ALL back)...then read on... Stop. Stop hiding this. YOU did NOTHING wrong. YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed of. YOU are 100% the VICTIM. Pick up the phone and call EVERYONE. Tell YOUR parents. Tell HIS parents. Tell your boss, tell his boss, tell his grandma, tell your minister/preacher/rabbi/sufi/cleric/whatever. Tell his siblings, tell yours, tell his friends, your friends. Out the OW (other woman) to EVERYONE. By name. Tell HER family, friends, tell her boss, tell her H (husband) or bf... In short...TELL THE WORLD. You'll be SHOCKED at how people congeal around you...you'll find allies and support in people and places you NEVER suspected (like the internet). This isn't petty or vindictive...this is FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. Because frankly, you haven't done a damn thing except mope around and feel sorry for yourself. You are and have been in the fight of your life for your M. And anything less than 100% equals protracted misery. An A (affair) is like a vampire...it thrives in secrecy and darkness. Devoid it of both. Let there A become public...see how "wonderful" it is then. It'll die a swift and humiliating death. Change your avatar. And yes, you are lovely girl. we have been talking more, finally. he said he wasn't ignoring me he just didn't know what to say. he saw her once which ended up in a fight and him leaving. he was there and i txtd him, he replied and she got mad. Good. Keep living your life and moving forward. I hope you slapped the shyt out of him for saying that. What an effin' pig. You do understand he is telling you he loves her right? Or, more aptly, he loves the way she makes him feel. He won't grasp the difference now. Oh yeah, you are in the fight of your life right now... Fair enough. Happens in many (most? all?) M's after a period of time. The question is how do you keep an M fresh and exciting? Answer: work at it. Obviously you got that wrong. For him? He's got it hard how? By popping back and forth two women who are both fighting for him? That's called an ego boost dear. He shags you, pulls back, approaches the OW, shags her, pulls back, approaches you, shags you, pulls back...you see a pattern here? This pretty much describes the last what...6 months now? Longer actually, you simply didn't he was doing it back then. All about HIM isn't it? Nothing here about YOU. And darling, the 180 is bunk. Stop it - you're wasting time. And why do you cede all decision making to him? YOU make a decision. Stop moping around in tragic silence. 1) Out the A like I described above. Now. 2) Take his cell phone and introduce it to a hammer. Repeatedly. Then cancel the account. 3) Demand access to his emails. He fails to cough them up, take the PC away as well. Give it to a trusted family member. Or introduce it to a hammer as well. You decide. 4) Confiscate ALL debit/credit cards. Cut them up. Call your bank and ask for bank statements going back from when your H claims the A began. Your H is cash only...and YOU dole out the cash. 5) Turn on detailed billing for all phone numbers. Get the bills going back as far as you can...look for HER number. 7) Move back home. HE moves out. Unreal he has an A and YOU move out. He raises a stink...dial 911. Trust me, they will make him leave. 8) MC (marriage counseling). Not an option. He agrees or you file for D. This is called taking control. Because YOU'RE not. HE is. <yawn> A load of crap and he knows it. Just look at how you ACT. And words like "eventually" and "try to move on" aren't exactly fear inducing. In all honesty, that's a weak ultimatum. I wager most A's start like this. Happened to me. Exact same thing. Remember how I said your ultimatum was weak. Uh-huh. Look, he has ZERO incentive to change. Not one. You aren't going anywhere, he really HASN'T paid a price (sine you so thoughtfully cover for him). He'll keep this up forever if you let him. Look, I know this isn't easy. What I say isn't easy either. But I PROMISE you ONE thing: You follow my steps and this ends. One way or another, it ends. He either comes around and your M recovers in MC with the help, love and support of friends, family and coworkers...or it dies. Either way, you WILL know you made REASONABLE demands and he CHOSE otherwise. I really am on your side. Good luck...your fight has JUST begun. Oh...if you are wondering...I DID everything I preached above. And my now xW (ex-wife) broke the rules and got herself D. Best. Thing. Ever. Because I don't live in fear of another A or stuck in some loveless M or walking on eggshells in a hollow life. And yes, I have two small kids. If I can do it...you can too. JW _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ You made mention of me in your quote...On1wheel. • I am not in a loveless M; I am trying to rebuild a badly broken M. One broken by HER affair. • I stayed for my child, which you did as well I believe. I am sorry ur W turned out to be a bad person a 2nd time. Mine showed great remorse, asked for a 2nd chance, I gave it & she tries everyday to try & make it up to me. She tells me constantly what a fool she was, how much she loves & adores me, & that she will do whatever it takes to regain my trust. • My morals are such that there is NO ROOM in a M for an affair...none!!! As a result, I have forced myself to do something that goes against everything that I believe in...against the way I am wired as a man. As a result I am extremely tormented internally. • I have more good days than bad. I smile more than I cry. I believe she will never do it again. • I have seen what she is capable of though; I have seen "The Beast". Hence my concern. • But then I look @ how happy my now 4 year old is & I KNOW I did the right thing for her. Having a child means that what's best for U is no longer ur #1 priority IMO. • If I'm wrong about her & she cheats again; well @ least I can look in the mirror & know that I was the best father & husband I could have been. As for the OP, if someone shows true remorse then there is hope. But only U know if U can accept it. Only U know if the M can still be a loving one Only U know what is best for U & ur child(ren). I stayed & I'd do it all over again to save an innocent 19 mth old baby. Peace to all.
jwi71 Posted April 27, 2010 Posted April 27, 2010 Sorry...I didn't complete my thought when I named you and the other person. I was trying to say...stay for your H and no other reason. Stay because you love that person. Stay because you are willing and capable of forgiving and moving on. I'll make a few comments on your post though... You made mention of me in your quote...On1wheel. • I am not in a loveless M; I am trying to rebuild a badly broken M. One broken by HER affair. I didn't say loveless. I said broken, unhappy and miserable. Because I think a M shouldn't be judged a "success" when you smile more than you cry. IMO. • I stayed for my child, which you did as well I believe. I am sorry ur W turned out to be a bad person a 2nd time. Mine showed great remorse, asked for a 2nd chance, I gave it & she tries everyday to try & make it up to me. She tells me constantly what a fool she was, how much she loves & adores me, & that she will do whatever it takes to regain my trust. Yes. I "stayed for the kids" for all of 6 weeks-ish. When I knew my love for her was gone, I stayed to be with my kids. Didn't work for me. And yes, my xW said and did all yours has done. She was the "model" repentant WS. in LS terms. But, the damage was done - weird thing is my life got BETTER the minute (almost literally) she moved out. Until then, it was hell, I just didn't know it. • My morals are such that there is NO ROOM in a M for an affair...none!!! As a result, I have forced myself to do something that goes against everything that I believe in...against the way I am wired as a man. As a result I am extremely tormented internally. ok. • I have more good days than bad. I smile more than I cry. I believe she will never do it again. Good...I hope you can forgive her and move forward and have a healthy and fulfilling M. Which is odd...because to stay "for the kids" precludes working on the M...because you are staying "for the kids"...not the WS. But anyways. • I have seen what she is capable of though; I have seen "The Beast". Hence my concern. That feeling didn't go away until my xW did. Talk about a relief. However, if you work at it I'm sure you can reclaim your M and again have a happy and fulfilling life. • But then I look @ how happy my now 4 year old is & I KNOW I did the right thing for her. Having a child means that what's best for U is no longer ur #1 priority IMO. I used to believe this too. And then I realized that my kids deserved a happy, smiling, emotionally unburdened father. And guess what...my kids are STILL happy, laughing, playing little terrors from hell. I mean angels. Yeah, that's what I meant - angels. As an additional bonus...I'm happy too. • If I'm wrong about her & she cheats again; well @ least I can look in the mirror & know that I was the best father & husband I could have been. No doubt you have been and are.
Author LostIt2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 thank you for the responses. i stopped by to see him last night to talk, it was a whim. i dind't call first or anything and he wasn't there, he was with her. after we talked all that day and i was there for him through a bad day. i felt like my heart stopped when i pulled up to a dark house. i told him today that i loved him, but i'm not ok with him seeing someone else while keeping me in the dark and claiming he doesn't know what he wants. i expressed other feelings and told him i was going to ft worth. he responded first with just "ok" which i knew he would. then he began ranting, then lashed out. after getting anger with him i composed myself and told him my reasons. he said that he feel he can't give me 100%, that he loved me but also loved me enough to think maybe ft worth was best. he said he may/may not really be in love, that they may/may not work out that he even doubted they would. he said he loved me but if they were left "unresolved" he could never BE with me like he should. the thought of them together makes me physically ill. this has been one of the worst days for me in this past 6 months. he basically just told me he chooses her. i can't even express the heartache i'm going through, i have cried all day. i love this man with all my heart. everything reminds me of him, i miss him terribly, i have had him in my life 14 years and now i'm alone and i miss his touch. i can only hope maybe one day he will wake up and realize what we were. he is in a fantasy world, they hole up in her apt and tell no one, she is still a secret... he hasn't even told his mom i don't live there. its like he is pretending this isn't happening. i don't understand how he can just be with her like i am nothing, he just tosses me aside and can so easily be with her. my confidence in who i am is shot. the fact he says she makes him feel like i can't.... hurts so much. i'm sure the way we were some guy could have made me feel all "in love" but what he is living in is not reality. i don't know how i'm going to recover from this. im going to fort worth, i'll probably be able to get there by the end of May. but for what? i feel i'll never be happy again. all i can wonder is what he is doing, if he is thinking of me, if they are playing happy family while i'm alone in such pain. this is horrible i don't understand how he could do this to us, why if he felt like he did, he didn't tell me. i never knew he wasn't happy, i thought we were. he started acting different just 2 months before he confessed to affair. it isn't like i wasn't affectionate, or didn't do things for him, we had sex, i thought we had fun together, we laughed and spent time together....i don't understand how we screwed things up so bad to make him turn to someone else
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Well..sounds like you and I have something in common. Only diff is I have a kid with mine...and mine is 4 days old since I found out. Of course your man confessed...mine had to be caught. But I really wished you would stand up for yourself..sounds like he really is playing you for a fool. Best thing really is to tell people about him! Don't let him weasel out of treating you like the fool...HE"S the fool and so is that stupid wench he's with! Sheesh I feel like a hypocrite trying to give you advise when my world and emotions are all over the place myself. No clue what to do...no idea what to pursure..one minute I want him out of my life for good..the next I want him to beg me for forgiveness...what kind of men are these anyway? We are young and we deserve whats best! Honestly..if I didn't have a kid with him..the whole process would be so much easier to deal with.
You Go Girl Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Wow, I can't believe this thread. As a 46 year old woman, I can tell you for sure that men are raised to be more selfish and to go after what they want. Women are still raised to be more passive, and it may even be biological. times are changing, but slowly. Your H has basically told you that he is going to keep you on a back burner, while he rides high off new sex chemicals running through his brain. Why a back burner? Because your H completely believes that he can lust this one out, and you will still be there for him when it's over. The only thing he's waiting for is to see if the lust wanes for the OW. You need to work on being an assertive woman who also gets what they want out of life, not just letting your H get what he wants, or you will end up a doormat in every relationship you have. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but being sweet never made a woman independent and confident. You're not doing that, and I don't see any signs of improvement. At least you are taking care of your career, good for you there. Go to ft. worth if it's right for your career--don't think of it as going there with your tail between your legs, as if it's you that did something wrong. Get that chin up. And for gawd's sake, call his mother and tell her what's going on. This is ridiculous.
PhoenixRise Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 thank you for the responses. i stopped by to see him last night to talk, it was a whim. i dind't call first or anything and he wasn't there, he was with her. after we talked all that day and i was there for him through a bad day. i felt like my heart stopped when i pulled up to a dark house. i told him today that i loved him, but i'm not ok with him seeing someone else while keeping me in the dark and claiming he doesn't know what he wants. i expressed other feelings and told him i was going to ft worth. he responded first with just "ok" which i knew he would. then he began ranting, then lashed out. after getting anger with him i composed myself and told him my reasons. he said that he feel he can't give me 100%, that he loved me but also loved me enough to think maybe ft worth was best. he said he may/may not really be in love, that they may/may not work out that he even doubted they would. he said he loved me but if they were left "unresolved" he could never BE with me like he should. the thought of them together makes me physically ill. this has been one of the worst days for me in this past 6 months. he basically just told me he chooses her. i can't even express the heartache i'm going through, i have cried all day. i love this man with all my heart. everything reminds me of him, i miss him terribly, i have had him in my life 14 years and now i'm alone and i miss his touch. i can only hope maybe one day he will wake up and realize what we were. he is in a fantasy world, they hole up in her apt and tell no one, she is still a secret... he hasn't even told his mom i don't live there. its like he is pretending this isn't happening. i don't understand how he can just be with her like i am nothing, he just tosses me aside and can so easily be with her. my confidence in who i am is shot. the fact he says she makes him feel like i can't.... hurts so much. i'm sure the way we were some guy could have made me feel all "in love" but what he is living in is not reality. i don't know how i'm going to recover from this. im going to fort worth, i'll probably be able to get there by the end of May. but for what? i feel i'll never be happy again. all i can wonder is what he is doing, if he is thinking of me, if they are playing happy family while i'm alone in such pain. this is horrible i don't understand how he could do this to us, why if he felt like he did, he didn't tell me. i never knew he wasn't happy, i thought we were. he started acting different just 2 months before he confessed to affair. it isn't like i wasn't affectionate, or didn't do things for him, we had sex, i thought we had fun together, we laughed and spent time together....i don't understand how we screwed things up so bad to make him turn to someone else What you posted about him living in a secret fantasy world is the reason WHY you are getting the advice to expose the affair to friends and family. I know you don't want to hear it and that it is not in line with what you want, but I think you going to Ft Worth is the best thing you could do. Go strong and proud and with the intention of starting a new life for yourself. Yes you will miss him. Yes it will hurt. But make it your business to move forward without him. You can do this. You have made it very easy for him to take you and your love for granted. I think you feel that if he could only really really see how much you truly love him he will realize his mistake. What is happening is, he is getting more and more comfortable with the idea that no matter what he does, or who he does it with, you will always be there, offering your love, with your arms open for him to come back whenever he is ready. As hard as it is for you, you need to emotionally pull back. AND don't be surprised if as the time comes for you to leave for Ft Worth he offers you a token. Starts talking about coming home. Starts Complaining about OW. Starts paying you more attention. Says something, anything to give you hope of a reconciliation. Don't fall for it. Unless he is taking action, (in IC, having engaged a MC, gone completely NC with OW, etc) it will just be an effort to keep you available while he continues to "decide" if he wants you or the OW. You are stronger than you think.
Fight4Me Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 thank you for the responses. i stopped by to see him last night to talk, it was a whim. i dind't call first or anything and he wasn't there, he was with her. after we talked all that day and i was there for him through a bad day. i felt like my heart stopped when i pulled up to a dark house. i told him today that i loved him, but i'm not ok with him seeing someone else while keeping me in the dark and claiming he doesn't know what he wants. i expressed other feelings and told him i was going to ft worth. he responded first with just "ok" which i knew he would. then he began ranting, then lashed out. after getting anger with him i composed myself and told him my reasons. he said that he feel he can't give me 100%, that he loved me but also loved me enough to think maybe ft worth was best. he said he may/may not really be in love, that they may/may not work out that he even doubted they would. he said he loved me but if they were left "unresolved" he could never BE with me like he should. Please listen to those of us who have walked in your shoes. I honestly understand your hesitancy to draw a line in the sand because you believe that he will cross it and never look back. Everything you have written above suggests he knows you aren't happy with the situation, but that as soon as he's done trying out this new girl, he can come back to you and you will just be so thrilled to have him back that his horrible mistreatment of you won't have any consequences. I can pretty much translate what he has said above: I love you, but I'm in lust with this other girl, and I need you to go away for a bit so I can live this double-life in comfort. I'll be back as soon as I'm done with her. the thought of them together makes me physically ill. this has been one of the worst days for me in this past 6 months. he basically just told me he chooses her. i can't even express the heartache i'm going through, i have cried all day. i love this man with all my heart. everything reminds me of him, i miss him terribly, i have had him in my life 14 years and now i'm alone and i miss his touch. i can only hope maybe one day he will wake up and realize what we were. he is in a fantasy world, they hole up in her apt and tell no one, she is still a secret... he hasn't even told his mom i don't live there. its like he is pretending this isn't happening. i don't understand how he can just be with her like i am nothing, he just tosses me aside and can so easily be with her. my confidence in who i am is shot. the fact he says she makes him feel like i can't.... hurts so much. i'm sure the way we were some guy could have made me feel all "in love" but what he is living in is not reality. i don't know how i'm going to recover from this. im going to fort worth, i'll probably be able to get there by the end of May. but for what? i feel i'll never be happy again. all i can wonder is what he is doing, if he is thinking of me, if they are playing happy family while i'm alone in such pain. this is horrible i don't understand how he could do this to us, why if he felt like he did, he didn't tell me. i never knew he wasn't happy, i thought we were. he started acting different just 2 months before he confessed to affair. it isn't like i wasn't affectionate, or didn't do things for him, we had sex, i thought we had fun together, we laughed and spent time together....i don't understand how we screwed things up so bad to make him turn to someone else First of all, stop with the thinking that he turned to someone else because of something you did or did not do. He turned to someone else because he has zero boundaries or self-control, and is selfish in the extreme. There may have been problems in the marriage before the A, as all marriages do, but they are completely separate from his choice to enter into an adulterous relationship. It is right and proper to say, "I take 50% of the responsibility for our marital problems, but YOU are 100% at fault for the A." I don't know what's in Ft. Worth, but did you tell him you were going there hoping he would stop you? I ask because it doesn't sound like you really want to go, and I would urge you to not do anything you don't want to do. In fact, you need to start making decisions based on YOUR wants and YOUR needs and what is in YOUR best interest. Before you do anything, please get a consultation with an attorney (you don't have to file or anything just yet). I know you said you work for one, so it would be a good idea to let them know what's going on and ask about what your first few steps should be... just to protect yourself. You might think you know what is best, but right now your world has turned upside down, and most likely your thinking is off. I don't think you'll do it, but if there's a single most important action you can take, it would be to tell him matter of factly that if he chooses to continue with the OW, then that is your dealbreaker. He has one chance, and one chance only, to save this marriage, and he will not be allowed back into your life later on. Force him to make his decision NOW and mean it. Go completely NC with him (don't answer his calls, emails, or texts) unless he has dumped her. If you don't do this, you can literally kiss your marriage goodbye.
Snowflower Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 thank you for the responses. i stopped by to see him last night to talk, it was a whim. i dind't call first or anything and he wasn't there, he was with her. after we talked all that day and i was there for him through a bad day. i felt like my heart stopped when i pulled up to a dark house. Oh sweetie, do you want to live like this for the next indefinite period of time where you think he is listening to you, coming around to being with you, and then just runs off to be with her? Of course you don't! You can't "love him" back into the marriage. He needs to want to do that on his own. i told him today that i loved him, but i'm not ok with him seeing someone else while keeping me in the dark and claiming he doesn't know what he wants. i expressed other feelings and told him i was going to ft worth. he responded first with just "ok" which i knew he would. then he began ranting, then lashed out. after getting anger with him i composed myself and told him my reasons. he said that he feel he can't give me 100%, that he loved me but also loved me enough to think maybe ft worth was best. he said he may/may not really be in love, that they may/may not work out that he even doubted they would. he said he loved me but if they were left "unresolved" he could never BE with me like he should. Good that you're going to Ft. Worth. Go on with your life. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but you have to let him go. He needs to figure this out for himself. Please note that I am not saying to wait for him or to assume that he will want to reconcile. No one knows what will happen, not even your husband. the thought of them together makes me physically ill. this has been one of the worst days for me in this past 6 months. he basically just told me he chooses her. i can't even express the heartache i'm going through, i have cried all day. i love this man with all my heart. everything reminds me of him, i miss him terribly, i have had him in my life 14 years and now i'm alone and i miss his touch. i can only hope maybe one day he will wake up and realize what we were. he is in a fantasy world, they hole up in her apt and tell no one, she is still a secret... he hasn't even told his mom i don't live there. its like he is pretending this isn't happening. i don't understand how he can just be with her like i am nothing, he just tosses me aside and can so easily be with her. my confidence in who i am is shot. the fact he says she makes him feel like i can't.... hurts so much. i'm sure the way we were some guy could have made me feel all "in love" but what he is living in is not reality. Your pain resonates with me. I know exactly how you feel. Look, like you, I married young and thought I had found my mate for life. After 18 years together, I find out that my husband is unhappy and then a few months later, I find out that he is having an affair. I felt so alone, so confused and yes, physically ill at the thought of my marriage ending. I didn't know what to think and even though my friends and family tried to help me, they had no idea what I was going through. I know! It hurts so badly. Tell his Mom! He hasn't told her because he knows deep down that what he is doing is oh, so wrong and he is ashamed. Why should you have to act like the (possible) ending of your marriage is all your fault? I told my husband's family that it was MY HUSBAND'S choice to end our marriage (this was just before I found out about the affair). There was no way I was going to take the fall for his decision! i don't know how i'm going to recover from this. im going to fort worth, i'll probably be able to get there by the end of May. but for what? i feel i'll never be happy again. all i can wonder is what he is doing, if he is thinking of me, if they are playing happy family while i'm alone in such pain. Again, I'm glad you're going to Ft. Worth. Trust me, if I made it through this painful time, you can too. I was an absolute mess for weeks. I could hardly function, hardly get out of bed! I remember calling my best friend for motivation to get up every day. And as difficult as it is, try not to wonder about what he is thinking. You'll drive yourself nuts! And honestly, we can never truly know what another person is thinking or feeling, even in the best relationships. Take care of YOU! Do you have friends/family who can be with you/support you emotionally so that you don't feel so alone? this is horrible i don't understand how he could do this to us, why if he felt like he did, he didn't tell me. i never knew he wasn't happy, i thought we were. he started acting different just 2 months before he confessed to affair. it isn't like i wasn't affectionate, or didn't do things for him, we had sex, i thought we had fun together, we laughed and spent time together....i don't understand how we screwed things up so bad to make him turn to someone else Cheating spouses almost never tell their betrayed spouses how unhappy they are BEFORE they start their affair. Instead, they take the easy way out and avoid any unhappiness that they feel by getting involved with someone new. This is a character deficiency in your husband. It is something that he will have to fix in order to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. I know it probably seems like this behavior from your H is completely out-of-character for him. But you know what, if you really think about it, the signs were likely there all along. Sure, you didn't expect that he would cheat but maybe there was a restlessness in him, he was never satisfied/happy with anything, he avoided conflict with other people, etc. These types of traits might not be obvious to you right now but eventually, you will probably see a pattern. And for the record, the two of you did not screw things up so badly that he decided to do this. He screwed things up. It's all on him. Sure, there might have been problems in your marriage, but cheating is never the healthy solution to these problems. He could have talked to you, sought counseling, or just straight-up divorced you. Instead, he is dragging you through the mud with him as he makes his decision. Don't let him do this.
Snowflower Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 I don't think you'll do it, but if there's a single most important action you can take, it would be to tell him matter of factly that if he chooses to continue with the OW, then that is your dealbreaker. He has one chance, and one chance only, to save this marriage, and he will not be allowed back into your life later on. Force him to make his decision NOW and mean it. Go completely NC with him (don't answer his calls, emails, or texts) unless he has dumped her. If you don't do this, you can literally kiss your marriage goodbye. Great post, Fight4me. Lostit, please trust me and others who have been where you are now. This advice above is crucial. You need to do this for YOU and if your marriage has any hope of surviving. But most importantly, for YOU. I know it seems counter-intuitive and scary but please consider my story: I had no clue what I was doing at the time but after I found out about my husband's affair, I told my H almost verbatim what is written above by Fight4me. I hadn't yet found a helpful place like LS, hadn't read any infidelity books. I had no clue...but for me it was almost intuitive...I wasn't going to play this game with my H (and with the OW by default). I was tired and at the end of my rope. I had been fighting for my marriage for months by that point and had only recently found out about the affair. I was walking blindly and in such emotional pain. My friends had no clue how to help me. I told him that if he chose to continue this 'friendship' (his term for their relationship at that time) then I would take that as the OW was more important to him than our marriage. I told him that I was done and had nothing left to give. Our marriage would be over. To this day, I have no idea how I "knew" intuitively to do this. Like I said, I had no advice from others who had been there, done that, I was just acting by instinct. And after I told my H this, I felt stronger. I still hurt but I felt better, somehow.
talldark Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 LostIt - I am a man who has NEVER cheated on my wife or any of my previous relationships. However, if I ever cheat on my wife, I would hope that she would dump my a$$ and move on. Similarly, if my wife cheated on me, I would NOT give her a second chance. That is just me. There is simply NO excuse for anyone to cheat. If I had relationship problems, I would: 1. Talk about it with my partner 2. Go to counseling if talking didn't work 3. End the relationship if counseling didn't work I have WAY too much self-esteem to be with someone who cheats on me. And I would hope the woman I am with has enough self-esteem to throw me to the curb if i cheat. Lord Almighty, get the heck away from this man. Move on. Take a 2 month vacation to Europe and have some flings with men who have strange accents. Then come back and look for somebody who RESPECTS you enough not to cheat on you. You get only one shot in world, darling. Make sure you don't spend any of that time being miserable.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 so after barely speaking to my husband, and I know he has seen her at least twice this past week. he text me this morning at 6am. over the weekend i cracked and texted him, ended up lashing out a bit saying he didn't care about us, i felt like he just threw me away and i meant nothing to him. he said he felt smothered sometimes by OW. he said he fights txting me, that he thinks about me and he loved me. i let it go at that. i haven't talked to him in pretty much two days. he txt me this morning at 6am. he said he loved me, he missed me. he said he feels so confused and is so stressed at his job, he said he feels everywhere, he doesn't even know who he is and is barely keeping his head above water. he said he wants me back, but is scared he will hurt me. he said he is scared to leave her bc of how she makes him feel, scared we can't find that after all the damage. he said that she makes him feel more like a lover than a friend basically. he said he knows i love him, he feel like she loves him differently and it is hard to leave that part he has with her when we would have to work through all damage to find it again, if we could. i miss him so much. i want my husband back. i know i took for granted that he would always be there, and i'm sorry for that. we both kinda stopped doing little things. we loved each other and did things together and were content, but those little things we stopped and its like we looked up and three years went by and we were best friends and not lovers we had sex, but i guess it wasn't as passionate as before. if he wanted to end us, he would have told me to finish the divorce papers, and he can't. he is a good guy, despite all that he has done. i love him with all my heart. i don't know what to do. i can tell he is struggling. i know, i am too. it hurts me to see him hurt, he said it hurts him knowing i'm hurting. i have told him how i feel about him. he said he is scared to pull me in bc he is such a mess right now. he said he can't even figure himself out, how are we supposed to be ok and figure us out. how can i walk away, turn my back when i promised, i made a committment and i meant it. he was my forever and i love him. how can i just walk away when it feels like he is wanting us, to feel something with me again, and when we are both hurting like this without each other? why is this OW ok with being with a man who can't leave his wife? why am i ok with waiting for a man to leave his mistress. this whole thing is like a nightmare, i keep thinking every morning when i wake up it will be over. i keep thinking that there will be this moment of clarity, for him or for me, and we will be together forever and be happy and everything will be ok again. that he will want to give to me and love me like i thought he did. i feel so stupid and so, so confused.
You Go Girl Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 lostit... What a sweet girl you are. It's time to get ANGRY. Angry for YOU--as a protective measure--that you will not stand for being treated like a doormat. Your H is telling you that he isn't sure the sex with you could ever be so hot as this taboo forbidden stuff. Boy, is that insulting. You really need to go NC. Take this man back now, (or in a month or two when the sex either isn't so good or she's left him) without any consequences for him, and he WILL do it again.
stillafool Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 (edited) thank you for the responses. i stopped by to see him last night to talk, it was a whim. i dind't call first or anything and he wasn't there, he was with her. after we talked all that day and i was there for him through a bad day. i felt like my heart stopped when i pulled up to a dark house. i told him today that i loved him, but i'm not ok with him seeing someone else while keeping me in the dark and claiming he doesn't know what he wants. i expressed other feelings and told him i was going to ft worth. he responded first with just "ok" which i knew he would. then he began ranting, then lashed out. after getting anger with him i composed myself and told him my reasons. he said that he feel he can't give me 100%, that he loved me but also loved me enough to think maybe ft worth was best. he said he may/may not really be in love, that they may/may not work out that he even doubted they would. he said he loved me but if they were left "unresolved" he could never BE with me like he should. the thought of them together makes me physically ill. this has been one of the worst days for me in this past 6 months. he basically just told me he chooses her. i can't even express the heartache i'm going through, i have cried all day. i love this man with all my heart. everything reminds me of him, i miss him terribly, i have had him in my life 14 years and now i'm alone and i miss his touch. i can only hope maybe one day he will wake up and realize what we were. he is in a fantasy world, they hole up in her apt and tell no one, she is still a secret... he hasn't even told his mom i don't live there. its like he is pretending this isn't happening. i don't understand how he can just be with her like i am nothing, he just tosses me aside and can so easily be with her. my confidence in who i am is shot. the fact he says she makes him feel like i can't.... hurts so much. i'm sure the way we were some guy could have made me feel all "in love" but what he is living in is not reality. i don't know how i'm going to recover from this. im going to fort worth, i'll probably be able to get there by the end of May. but for what? i feel i'll never be happy again. all i can wonder is what he is doing, if he is thinking of me, if they are playing happy family while i'm alone in such pain. this is horrible i don't understand how he could do this to us, why if he felt like he did, he didn't tell me. i never knew he wasn't happy, i thought we were. he started acting different just 2 months before he confessed to affair. it isn't like i wasn't affectionate, or didn't do things for him, we had sex, i thought we had fun together, we laughed and spent time together....i don't understand how we screwed things up so bad to make him turn to someone else Wow you have been through so much. I have been there but with a bf not a h. The thing that would kill me is him saying "I'm afraid you can't make me feel the way she does" (ouch!). I don't think I would ever be able to get those words out of my mind. I would have to go off alone and heal. I don't think I would ever be able to look at him again. The fact that he let hisself get involved with a close friend of mine. Knowing he is suppose to love and be loyal to me but chose to lie to me and sleep with my friend. I would have to know that no one who really loved me could do such a thing to me because I would know I could never do such a thing to someone I loved. The only way you can pull yourself up out of this abyss is to not contact this man again. He has told you the way this girl makes him feel and he is not going to give up that feeling. He seemed pleased you are going to ft. worth because it will give him time with her without you being around to create friction in their relationship. Hun, for your own sanity you need to move on and never contact him again. He will let this back and forth go on forever until you have accepted it as normal. Stop making excuses for him and look at him for who he truly is and how he treats a person he said he loves. He could have stopped the relationship with your friend before it started. You can only imagine the seduction and flirting that went on behind your back before they ever got started on the affair, he was part of that and could have, should have stopped it if he really loved you. Would you have done that with a friend of his? He has treated you less than a friend and you need to wake up and realize this. Still, if you really want him back, the only way and I mean the only way you will be able to succeed is to go strict NC with him until he begs you back and is willing to do whatever it takes to get you back. Without strict NC, you don't stand a chance. Edited May 3, 2010 by stillafool
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 a part of me knows that. a part of me can't walk away, especially when he is giving me something. when he is so confused. he said he is not always sure of them, and yet he is unsure of us too. i said nothing is certain, but things are worth more than others. i told him i can not be the girl that is ok with him saying, let me give this relationship with this other woman a test run, if it doesn't work out i'll be with you. i said again nothing is certain, including me being there if it doesn't work out with her. he said back we had our chances and failed. and he doesn't feel he can give something up that is a success for something that has failed for so long. its like a shock that he can say that. i'm trying to understand. i just hurt, constantly. i feel like nothing to him, like we are nothing. its like a slap in the face, he is living in this hell and he wants to call it a success? it was 2 months of secrecy and fantasy, and 4 months of back and forth hell. he just said what they feel for each other is a success and everything else is f**ked but i just don't make him feel the same. it is like a bullet to the chest everytime. i feel like i'm gonna die.
jwi71 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 so after barely speaking to my husband, and I know he has seen her at least twice this past week. he text me this morning at 6am. over the weekend i cracked and texted him, ended up lashing out a bit saying he didn't care about us, i felt like he just threw me away and i meant nothing to him. he said he felt smothered sometimes by OW. he said he fights txting me, that he thinks about me and he loved me. i let it go at that. i haven't talked to him in pretty much two days. he txt me this morning at 6am. he said he loved me, he missed me. he said he feels so confused and is so stressed at his job, he said he feels everywhere, he doesn't even know who he is and is barely keeping his head above water. he said he wants me back, but is scared he will hurt me. he said he is scared to leave her bc of how she makes him feel, scared we can't find that after all the damage. he said that she makes him feel more like a lover than a friend basically. he said he knows i love him, he feel like she loves him differently and it is hard to leave that part he has with her when we would have to work through all damage to find it again, if we could. i miss him so much. i want my husband back. i know i took for granted that he would always be there, and i'm sorry for that. we both kinda stopped doing little things. we loved each other and did things together and were content, but those little things we stopped and its like we looked up and three years went by and we were best friends and not lovers we had sex, but i guess it wasn't as passionate as before. if he wanted to end us, he would have told me to finish the divorce papers, and he can't. he is a good guy, despite all that he has done. i love him with all my heart. i don't know what to do. i can tell he is struggling. i know, i am too. it hurts me to see him hurt, he said it hurts him knowing i'm hurting. i have told him how i feel about him. he said he is scared to pull me in bc he is such a mess right now. he said he can't even figure himself out, how are we supposed to be ok and figure us out. how can i walk away, turn my back when i promised, i made a committment and i meant it. he was my forever and i love him. how can i just walk away when it feels like he is wanting us, to feel something with me again, and when we are both hurting like this without each other? why is this OW ok with being with a man who can't leave his wife? why am i ok with waiting for a man to leave his mistress. this whole thing is like a nightmare, i keep thinking every morning when i wake up it will be over. i keep thinking that there will be this moment of clarity, for him or for me, and we will be together forever and be happy and everything will be ok again. that he will want to give to me and love me like i thought he did. i feel so stupid and so, so confused. What is your plan to win your H back and save your M? What ACTIONS can you do to save it?
stillafool Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Another thing that will keep you holding on is him putting it in your head that you may get back together. Don't listen to what he says, look at what he does. He has said this woman feels more like a lover. That is powerful and we know how much men love sex so I doubt he is going to kick her to the curb. His loins will make him return to her. You have said you made a commitment to him and you want to keep it. He broke your commitment, not you. What you had with this man has forever changed.
stillafool Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 a part of me knows that. a part of me can't walk away, especially when he is giving me something. when he is so confused. He doesn't seem so confused to me. It sounds as if he is letting you down easy. He knows you are sweet and no doubt he loves you but he is making it clear he is "in love" with this OW. he said he is not always sure of them, and yet he is unsure of us too. i said nothing is certain, but things are worth more than others. i told him i can not be the girl that is ok with him saying, let me give this relationship with this other woman a test run, if it doesn't work out i'll be with you. i said again nothing is certain, including me being there if it doesn't work out with her. he said back we had our chances and failed. and he doesn't feel he can give something up that is a success for something that has failed for so long. This tells me he is sure that he and OW are a success (with few and normal problems, probably the biggest problem is you.) and he doesn't consider his marriage with you a success. What does that tell you? its like a shock that he can say that. i'm trying to understand. i just hurt, constantly. i feel like nothing to him, like we are nothing. its like a slap in the face, he is living in this hell and he wants to call it a success? it was 2 months of secrecy and fantasy, and 4 months of back and forth hell. he just said what they feel for each other is a success and everything else is f**ked but i just don't make him feel the same. it is like a bullet to the chest everytime. i feel like i'm gonna die. I still say he is trying to let you go easy. They both are hoping your move to ft. worth will seal the deal between them and give you a chance to start moving on. This is so awful and I feel so deeply for you as you seem so sweet. You will recover from this a stronger person. You look and seem young and thank God you do not have kids with this man. You will be happy again, I promise you, but you deserve someone who will give you loyality and will not break commitments.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 (edited) i have done everything i could for 6 months to try and get him back. i have been crushed 4 times. i am broken. i feel like i can't even love right. i feel like he blames me for everything, and worst of all like he loves her more, like she is more of a woman than me somehow. i don't believe in love at all, how he can do this. i don't know how i'm going to face myself, a divorce, my future. i'm in so much pain, being without him. i don't know what to do. he just keeps txting me... he says he is sorry but he doesn't feel "it" between us. could it be..he doesn't know. he said biggest mistake he made was straying and discovering those feelings with someone else. i don't even know what else to say. i'm not horrible, he isn't perfect either. it kills me, him saying those things, saying i can't make him feel something. its my fault, i feel defective. i didn't know that this was even happening until he told me about affair. i've never been without him or even through a break up. how can i just not be what he wants anymore, so much so he can just throw me away. Edited May 3, 2010 by LostIt2010
stillafool Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I think your move to ft. worth is a good start. At least you will have a new surrounding. This is actually a gift from God that you are being placed in a new environment. This will also help you to "step away for a while" and maybe get a new outlook. I think you need to leave your H alone to think about you for awhile. Please don't call him when you move to ft. worth. It is normal for the cheater to blame the spouse for his actions. It is better than the truth of "I decided to cheat on my wife with a friend of hers and not even tell her I was unhappy in our marriage". He probably wasn't unhappy in your M until he slept with her. Have you ever asked him how he could get involved with a friend of yours? What was his answer to that question if you did? Your h sounds like a narcissis to me. If you have any extra dough, get a new haircut and buy a new outfit for your trip. Do you have any friends in Ft. Worth? How old are you?
stillafool Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 he just keeps txting me... he says he is sorry but he doesn't feel "it" between us. could it be..he doesn't know. he said biggest mistake he made was straying and discovering those feelings with someone else. Sweetie, start taking back your power right now. Text him back and say: "I'm sorry you dont' feel "it" for us also. The message to me is finally loud and clear." Then do not contact him again. Do not answer his texts, phone calls, or anything else. Move on to Fort Worth leaving this open wound behind you. If he is serious and wants you back, he will have to find you and make it right.
PhoenixRise Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 a part of me knows that. a part of me can't walk away, especially when he is giving me something. when he is so confused. he said he is not always sure of them, and yet he is unsure of us too. i said nothing is certain, but things are worth more than others. i told him i can not be the girl that is ok with him saying, let me give this relationship with this other woman a test run, if it doesn't work out i'll be with you. i said again nothing is certain, including me being there if it doesn't work out with her. he said back we had our chances and failed. and he doesn't feel he can give something up that is a success for something that has failed for so long. its like a shock that he can say that. i'm trying to understand. i just hurt, constantly. i feel like nothing to him, like we are nothing. its like a slap in the face, he is living in this hell and he wants to call it a success? it was 2 months of secrecy and fantasy, and 4 months of back and forth hell. he just said what they feel for each other is a success and everything else is f**ked but i just don't make him feel the same. it is like a bullet to the chest everytime. i feel like i'm gonna die. Lostit He said what he said to keep you in place. He wants you to be available if the situation with the OW doesn't work out. I am not saying that he doesn't have feelings for you. I am saying that right now he is a selfish arse and all he really care about is how he feels. He wants you to assure him that if he returns to you there will be no repercussion. No fights, no jealousy, no mistrust, no uncomfortable conversations. Just lots of hot sex and you twisting yourself into knots trying to make him feel with you what he feels with her. What he is offering you now is just words designed to have a certain effect. Is he getting IC so that he can see how he got so messed up that he entered the affair in the first place? No. Is he talking to you about how he wants to be a better man for you? The kind of man you can trust and depend on? No. Does he realize that the situation you all are in is a result of his own lack of character? No. If there is no growth in him...there is no shot in hell of a true reconciliation for your marriage. I know this is hard, but for your own sake, go to Ft. Worth. Tell your H that you can't base your whole life on his uncertainty. Tell him that if he pulls himself together and recognizes YOUR value and he wants to follow you would be willing to discuss it at that time. I know this hurts. AND I know this is hard, but if you continue to allow his waffelling to dictate YOUR life, he will just continue to lose respect for you and he will just continue to treat you as optional.
You Go Girl Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 It appears very true--he is letting her 'down easy'. What he is really doing though, is not that at all--he is keeping her on a back burner just in case the OW doesn't work out. He's being very cruel and selfish. The way to let someone down easy, really, is to let them DOWN HARD. That is, if one cares for the other's timeframe of healing, instead of futile hoping.
jwi71 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 i have done everything i could for 6 months to try and get him back. i have been crushed 4 times. Do you know WHY you were crushed 4 times? He doesn't care about the affects on YOU. If he did, he wouldn't ACT this way now would he. I bet if HIS MOTHER knew...he would act VERY differently. I gave you SUREFIRE steps to end the A. You do what I outlined, the A dies. I PROMISE you that much. Why don't you try it? What else is there to lose? Besides, everyone will find out eventually...what are you going to say when your family and friends ask why you are getting D? i am broken. i feel like i can't even love right. i feel like he blames me for everything, and worst of all like he loves her more, like she is more of a woman than me somehow. i don't believe in love at all, how he can do this. You are letting him do this. He has ZERO repercussions. I'm sorry, WHY should he stop? He has her. He has you. He has NOTHING to lose and NOTHING to fear. i don't know how i'm going to face myself, a divorce, my future. i'm in so much pain, being without him. i don't know what to do. Well...I don't know what to tell you anymore. You keep getting GREAT advice from people who have walked the very trail you are on. And you STILL sit and do nothing. Then whine about how NOTHING has changed. You came here for advice. And you have ignored ALL of it for one reason or another. Just stop. Stop crying over this and file for D. If YOU aren't going to stand up for your WH and your M...then no one will. Your H sure as hell won't. he just keeps txting me... he says he is sorry but he doesn't feel "it" between us. could it be..he doesn't know. he said biggest mistake he made was straying and discovering those feelings with someone else.What an a$$. Look, he's clearly in love with her. I don't see him EVER coming back to you and I don;t see you acting like you want the M. File already, get some IC, grieve the loss of your M and move on. Ignore my advice above...just quit and file...sorry this happened to you. If its any consolation, it happened to me and others here. I've been EXACTLY where you are. So yes, I know. Fast forward to now...1.5 years of IC and some time just to me and the kids...life is great for me. Getting here was hell no doubt but SO worth it. You'll get here too. First step...either FIGHT or FILE...your life, your choice.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 Hello Lost. Like others that have chimed in so far, I too was a BS that has been where you are; albeit you're carrying the phase you're in much longer than I did. Allow me to point out a lesson you know VERY well from experience: when you play with fire YOU WILL be burned - everytime. Please understand and internalize that having ANY contact with your STBX is, from an emotional standpoint, playing with fire. Why?? Because you want him back, and guess what? He doesn't want you. Did you hear me?! HE DOES NOT WANT YOU!! I'm being harsh with you on purpose, Lost; I'm trying to encite anger with in you. Anger is the correct emotion to be feeling right now. Do you believe your STBX when he tells you he's bloody confused?! Give me a break, Lost. The fact of the matter is he has made his choice. Does he feel some guilt from time-to-time, of course he does... Does that dismiss the cold hard FACT that for the past 6 months he has been carressing, kissing, hugging, petting and grinding all over your former friend?! Hell no!! It is a CHOICE that he made and continues to make. The man you married is gone, my dear. If you continue to engage him you will continue to suffer more emotional "burns" and further delay your personal healing and increase your personal baggage. You have to take control here Lost, or this will NEVER end. By taking control I mean you must finalize this divorce with vigor and self pride. The price to be paid for his conduct should be LOSING you FOREVER. Don't tell him that; don't tell him anything - just show him. I know how you feel, Lost. I was betrayed by my ex in the same way you were. I felt your feelings and I spent weeks trying to reel my WS back in, because she too claimed she was confused. She was confused, therefore (like a good husband) I wanted to help her. But here's the truth of the matter, Lost. My ex wasn't confused, she was off on dates and voluntarily having fun and all out sex with another man - help me understand how any of that behavior constitutes confusion?? Because to me it looked like someone who wasn't confused at all - she chose all of it. Your SOON TO BE EX is doing the same thing. He has a price to pay. Demand that he pay the consequence - losing you - by completing the D. Also, find a good independant counselor. They're worth their weight in gold for ppl in your situation. I received about 8 sessions over 11 weeks and my IC helped me to FOCUS my thoughts on what I needed to do to get to the next step. I'll share one last thing before ending my post: Back when I was taking my ex's crap and trying to get her back (while she was unapologetically carrying on her A) my counselor told me this - for my own mental health I would have to cap the amount of time dedicated to TRYING to get her back. I did just that. I decided that I would spend 2 weeks doing all I could to get MY WOMAN back home... I lasted a week. Did my ex take my calls - yes; Did she speak to me like SHE was the victim - yes; Did she agree to try MC and attempt to save the M - NO My all out effort to bring my WS taught me, most of all, that she was lying about her confusion. Most of what they tell you and what they tell their affair partner are manipulations... I stopped trying to get her back and immediatly shifted gears toward filing for a D and finishing the process with as little contact as possible. No talking, no text, no face to face, ONLY email when absolutely necessary. NC had it's ancillary effect of pushing the power towards me and as a result my ex would call, txt and email more. I just ignored the ones that weren't related to the D. If one was related to the D, I would wait atleast a day, think about the most minimal response I needed to come up with and send it via email. You need to choose to stop trying to get him back. Moreover you need to decide that you're going to finish this D off, for you. I promise you, as you pick up the baton and start moving this thing to it's inevitable end YOU WILL feel empowered and YOU WILL begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That light is your life w/o a cheating S in your world. It sounds scary, but as you move yourself closer to that light you'll begin to embrace it.
Author LostIt2010 Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 I'm trying I just turned 28. I have my sister in Ft. Worth. A couple of friends I met through her. I hadn't text him in almost 2 days, then he txts me at 6am about how he feels unsure about her, how he loved and missed me, how he thought about me all Saturday night wishing i was home. I spill my guts to him for him just to say i don't make him feel the same way. How he can't drag me back not even knowing where he is. I just don't understand. I don't feel anger. I just feel numbing, blinding pain. I feel like something is wrong with me, like I don't love right, like she is worthy of his love and I'm not. What is wrong with me? I just feel empty. The last thing I told him was to divorce me, leave me, let me go and mean it. I told him if he doesn't want me, he doesn't get any of me. I fight txting and call him every moment. I don't know why. He has thrown me away, you think I would go. I love him so much. I'm scared and I don't know who I am without him. I don't know how to know me, get thorugh this. My sense of self and confidence is shot, I feel like I can't love him good enough and like I'm unlovable. On Monday I'm putting my notice in at work. As soon as I train someone, I'm leaving for Ft. Worth.... with no job lined up, scrambling to find my last summer class I need to graduate, I'm barely gonna make it through this semester. All I do is hurt and cry, I feel so weak and tired. I miss him more than I can bare, and I'm just this huge mess. I'm scared of how I am gonna make it, I'm scared of who I am.
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