drowning in pain :(

[LostIt2010]

I posted here awhile back "broken heart and mixed messages"

 

I married my HS sweetheart, I've never been with another man. We have been married 7 years. I was happy, I thought he was. I never knew anything was wrong, but since Sept I noticed changes in him.

 

On December 1st he confessed to cheating. Slowly over a month the truth came out and it was with a close friend of mine and there were big feelings involved.

 

Since then I have moved in and out 3 times, lost 20 lbs, my world has been ripped apart. All he could say is that he was torn right down the middle.

 

Recently I stayed with my husband for about a week after he asked me to. He said he missed me, needed me, wanted me close. He stopped contact with the OW for a whole 2 days, in which we had good days together. We were affectionate, intimate, talked about healing, our future, our child we one day wanted. Then she texted him, he told me and they talked and then he took turn for worst. I understand it is hard and I tried to be there for him. He said he wanted space one night at 9:30pm after a particularly hard day. I left and didn't hear from him that night or next day. I checked our phone records and he texted her at 8:30am the next morning. I asked him why and I didn't understand. Has barely spoken to me since. He said maybe the task is too big for us to work out, he wishes he could take the good of us both and put it into one, he is scared I can't make him feel like she does, and scared he can't let go of her.

 

I'm devestated to say the least. I can't focus, I can't eat, I just wanna lay in bed all day. my hopes were up an then so easily he rips them from me again?? I don't understand how he can so quickly flip and shut me out. i feel betrayed all over again. I've never felt so hurt through all of this. I tried to be understanding. The more I saw they were texting and the less he talked to me after just being together 2 nights before I lashed out and told him my pain, that was yesterday afternoon. He said I was trying to make him feel bad. I haven't spoken to him since and I feel like my oxygen is slowing being sucked out of the room. This is the love of my life, a part of who I am, my everything.

 

I don't know what to do, or how to deal.

 

Please any advice. This is going to kill me

[silktricks]

I am so sorry that you are in such pain.

 

It's understandable that you want to fix the relationship with your husband, but at this point, you need to take care of YOU. He can't or won't do that right now, and it could be that he never will again.

 

Start doing what you need for you. Go to a counselor to get help with depression. Make the changes that you need to make to be financially secure on your own. If you own a house, talk to your husband about selling, how you will divide your assets, etc. Bring some reality into the equation.

 

Start moving ahead with your life as if he won't be a part of it. Don't be the good little wifey waiting at home for him to return if and when he may want to. If he does come to you, truly wanting to make your marriage work, you need to make it crystal clear to him that the OW cannot remain in the picture in any way. Be sure that whatever consequences you decide upon that you can honestly stick to, though.... because if you tell him that there will be no further chance, and then you give him "one more chance" you are effectively telling him that he can treat you like dirt and you'll let him continue to do so.

 

I do encourage counseling. Not as a method to cure your marriage, but as a method to help you regain your own strength. You are a good person, and having the one person you most love and trust treat you badly is soul-wrenching.

 

Best of luck to you now and in your future.

 

(((hugs)))

[hopesndreams]

Are you looking for advice on how to get him back? My advice is to run. Even if you did get him back, by whatever and however means, he will still be a cheater and will only cheat on you again down the road, when you are pregnant or have had his kids.

[califnan]

 

He said I was trying to make him feel bad. I haven't spoken to him since and I feel like my oxygen is slowing being sucked out of the room. This is the love of my life, a part of who I am, my everything.

 

I don't know what to do, or how to deal.

 

Please any advice. This is going to kill me

 

---------------------

 

"A part of who I am" .. That is because marriage is the one flesh Covenant under God.

 

There is not a whole lot you can do with a spouse who is sinning against God, the marriage, and you. He has a free will - and is noticeably flip-flopping. It could be considered confusion on his part.

 

But the bottom line is, you should not feel responsible to take back a nonrepentant spouse - Nor should you allow him to put a guilt trip on you for making him "feel bad" for your expectations that he honor the marriage vows.. He is in Guilt .. and that is It.

 

Please go about your life, and with the knowledge that he will probably continue with his flip flopping .. but put the Burden where it Belongs: On Him, alone. (As someone has posted on another thread: these people pursuing affairs sure do a good job, of turning themselves into the victoms.) ..

[Green]

Is that you in the avatar pic? You are a very pretty girl!

 

He really is a jerk for to many reasons to go into. Do you have anywhere you can go to get away from him and clear your head for a while? Like a family members house or a close friends house?

 

Things will get better, please believe it.

[Katerina]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I remember the pain very well... even thought it's been over 2.5 yrs since I found out... My H couldn't see the slut (in my opinion) because we moved, but they kept texting for 4 months after they stopped seeing each other. He lied to me that whole time saying he wasn't in touch with her. He regrets ALL of that - his affair, lying, etc. and has been a saint for the last couple of years - but the damage has been done. I'm with him because of the children and he knows it. I wanted him back so badly right after I found out about the affair. I was willing to forgive, I was crazy about him! Lost lots of weight, like you, didn't eat, didn't sleep... but finding out he was still lying "broke me". Even though I think he's learned his lesson and realizes now he's never really loved her, like I said, the damage has been done. I agree with the others - try to take care of yourself... I regret not leaving to tell you the truth... but I couldn't because of the children. Had we not had any kids, I would have left. There is only so much pain a person can take.

Hang on... eat, see a counselor. It wasn't your fault!

[on1wheel]

I too am sooo sorry for ur pain right now. I was where you were 2.5 yrs ago & my situation is very similar to Katerina's I suspect.

You won't be able to see it now, but he has done U a huge favour. He has shown himself unworthy of ur love now, instead of after U had that child U spoke about.

Once that happens EVERYTHING changes. I know I'll take heat for this, but IMO what a parent wants nows becomes secondary. You should always put ur child(s) needs ahead of ur own. So when U find out ur H or W is a cheater & U want to divorce them & find someone with better morals; well it's not that simple anymore.

Now U have to consider what's best for the innocent child(ren) & how badly they will B affected. So now U would B stuck if U R the kind of parent that I am. If U can be selfish & put ur needs ahead of ur child's then U'll B OK, but if not then U'll B screwed!!!

Having said all that, my advice is move out ASAP, go full NC, get legal advice & thank God U did not have a child with this A-hole. Start to care for yourself, because I promise U he does not care about U @ all. He is going to screw 2 women for as long as U 2 let him. Why would he stop?

He knows that U will take him back, (U have shown him that) so he will not stop.

Again, trust me on this, it wasn't until I said "I want a divorce, I will seek custody of our baby & will make life Hell for U" that she came out of the A fog & woke up. I swear it was like she was hyptnotized & wasn't the woman I married @ all. Does this sound like ur H? Then she was remorseful, wanted a 2nd chance for the baby, swore she'd go full NC & never do it again.

I agreed for my babies sake after a month of soul searching, but I would have left if it easn't for the baby. That is my advice to you, as I am 2.5 yrs from D-day & I still suffer, live in fear of another A...nothing is the same.

It's ur life, but listen to those who have been where U R now & tried to make it work; then decide.

Good luck to U either way.

[Katerina]

I totally agree with on1wheel about parenting. Also, our stories seem similar because my H didn't come out of the "fog" until I practically found a job in another state... He was begging me to stay. He finally saw "the light" and the wrongs he had done. I decided to stay... I just couldn't destroy my children's safe world. I try to make the best of my life now because for the kids' sake, but I wish if this had to happen, it happened before we had kids. Of course, I would have been devastated either way, but at least I could have control over my life... I'm not worried about him having another affair... I really believe he learned his lesson and finally knows what's most important in his life, but our relationship will never be the same. I definitely don't rely on him anymore to make me happy or whatever. I find happiness and fulfillment in other things - my kids and my new career. My marriage, sadly, is secondary. My KIDS are not.

[RedDevil66]

my ex of 11 yrs did the same to me. He was cheating on me for a while and when it came out, I was "there" for him and begged him to stay

Well he left me for her, then came back 2 weeks later and did this dance until I finally walked away

 

My advise, if you want this man (maybe you should look into not wanting him), but if you do, tell him he can have the other woman. Do the 180, don't be there for him and don't be available.

He cheated on you and you owe him NOTHING.

 

Watch how fast a man comes running back when he's been rejected. All of a sudden, the OW doesn't seem so appealing anymore.

 

Take your power back

[hopesndreams]

Here's the 180. It's worth a shot and it's your best bet. If things don't work out, by following the 180, then you are detaching by using it and it will give your brain a chance to come to the conclusion that he just ain't worth it. You need to stop listening to what your heart wants.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[whichwayisup]

I usually don't advise people to just divorce without trying, but it seems your H has no real interest in letting go, he isn't showing too much remorse, he hasn't done counselling, he's weak and feels too much for the OW. YOUR FRIEND, so that's double betrayal, makes it worse, harder for you to work through, forgive.. He isn't ready to give up on the Ow, or you .. So, you need to take control and make the choice.

 

Get him OUT of the house. Talk to a lawyer.

 

I am sorry for your pain, please, take care of yourself..Surround yourself with your family and good friends that you can trust.

[LostIt2010]

thank you for your replies. i feel i have not a lot of places to turn. my sister and my best friend have been my only people i have confided in and have been all that has held me up.

 

that is me in the picture.

 

we have been talking more, finally. he said he wasn't ignoring me he just didn't know what to say. he saw her once which ended up in a fight and him leaving. he was there and i txtd him, he replied and she got mad.

 

i haven't lived in the house, aside from the occasional times i've stayed the night, and for about 3 times (about a week and a half long each) in past 6 months. and oh, i work for a lawyer. i'm a legal assistant, i have gone back to school last year to finish my degree in education to become a teacher. i work 30 hours a week and have taken 4-5 classes each semester for almost 2 years now. Im set to graduate in December if i can get through this semester.

 

he says that he is scared i can't make him feel like she does.... and that hurts the most i think. he said it just wasn't exciting anymore. i know i love him like no one will. i know he is struggling and this has been very difficult for him and has affected everything... but i'm trying to do that 180 yall are talking about. its very difficult, but its only thing i haven't tried. he says he is unsure, he doesn't know what he wants, and he is scared that he will regret it if he lets me go.

 

i basically told him that i'm not going to keep allowing him to be with her and still get to have me. i told him that as long as he is seeing/talking/being with her that i am going to try and move on. he knows that eventually means me moving 2 hours away. i told him that i loved him...

 

i miss him terribly. we weren't perfect, and we had drifted apart. but i never thought he would turn to someone else. i wish he would have talked to me. he said he wasn't unhappy, but content and he said he didn't realize that all he was was content until she made him feel how he hadn't. i dunno i didn't know he wasn't feeling those things.

 

i student teach in august. i have about 3-4 weeks to tell my college if i'm student teaching where i am or in ft worth. i don't know how i will ever tear myself from someone i love so much.

 

thank you for reading, i do appreciate the advice and similiar stories.

Edited April 26, 2010 by LostIt2010

[You Go Girl]

You have to do the 180. Nothing else is going to work. He's cake eating--and you have to stop letting him.

If you lose him while doing the 180--you were going to LOSE HIM ANYWAY.

Please realize that this is for your own good as well as any potential to fix a horrible mess.

Make the best decision for your career. At this point, the last thing you want to do is make a decision to be near him and sacrifice your career--you may end up with neither!

Meanwhile, showing self-respect will lead to him realizing that you give a damn about yourself and that you are going to live and succeed with or without him.

He will gain respect for your career, as well as you as a person, or he'll run off and quite likely end up separating from her too--it's just a matter of time before that relationship gets real too, you know.

[Disintegration]

I remember your story. I'm sorry you are still going through the heartache. You just have to once and for all let go of the pain he is delivering to you, move on with your life. You are worthy of so much more. He can't be with the both of you. This is taking a toll on your health, you have to make yourself your priority first and foremost. I know you still love him very much but think about it, if he loved you he wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Don't give him the option. Definitely move the two hours away. Good luck, I know it's hard but the sooner you put 180 into action the sooner you can begin to heal.

[LostIt2010]

thanks.

 

is this 180 something that seems to be a common thing? they way all of you talk about it, it is something that is put into the works often. any experience with results from it.

 

my heart is just breaking.

 

and my logic tells me the obvious, if it was my friend or sister going through this i would tell them to get out. its so different when its you, and your heart that just can't let the love of your life go.

 

but i understand. its been months. i've done everything i shouldn't... cried, pleaded, lashed out against her, argued my side, lashed out against him, been pathetic, tried not to care...... nothing has worked.

 

i know everyone says time will heal, that everything will be ok. its just i don't know anything without him attached to it, i don't see how everything will be ok without him in my life. i'm too naive about love i think. this has stripped everything i believed in into nothing

 

and i'll add. the one time i got strength up and behaved sort of like the 180 he did ask me to come back to the house. it was good for a couple of days, then he started talking to her again. i got my strength up a couple times to which he got me to come back, to only start talking to her again. it just happened a third time. i don't have strength left. it was like for a couple months everytime i got a leg under me to stand on he pulled me in to take my legs out again. he said it was never intentionally, that he meant all that and he does want us, but he can't help his other feelings too.

Edited April 26, 2010 by LostIt2010

[jwi71]

Let me preface my post by saying I'm also a BS (betrayed spouse).

 

I will also say I want whatever you think is best for you. I'm on your side...even though as you read you might not think so. Yup, thats a warning of the biatch slap to follow - it won't always be pretty. But read it with an open mind - remember my viewpoint...Im on the outside looking in.

 

I will also tell you that "180" bullcrap is just that - bullcrap.

 

I don't know Katerina's or on1wheel's story but I CAN tell you I wouldn't want to end up as they have - in broken, unhappy, miserable marriages.

 

Actually...what do you want? Do you want to save your M? OR do you want to end it? Obviously, if you want to end it, do so. I live in Texas as well and its REAL easy to file. IF you want your M to survive (and it IS possible to have it ALL back)...then read on...

 

thank you for your replies. i feel i have not a lot of places to turn. my sister and my best friend have been my only people i have confided in and have been all that has held me up.

 

Stop. Stop hiding this. YOU did NOTHING wrong. YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed of. YOU are 100% the VICTIM.

 

Pick up the phone and call EVERYONE. Tell YOUR parents. Tell HIS parents. Tell your boss, tell his boss, tell his grandma, tell your minister/preacher/rabbi/sufi/cleric/whatever. Tell his siblings, tell yours, tell his friends, your friends.

 

Out the OW (other woman) to EVERYONE. By name. Tell HER family, friends, tell her boss, tell her H (husband) or bf...

 

In short...TELL THE WORLD. You'll be SHOCKED at how people congeal around you...you'll find allies and support in people and places you NEVER suspected (like the internet).

 

This isn't petty or vindictive...this is FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. Because frankly, you haven't done a damn thing except mope around and feel sorry for yourself. You are and have been in the fight of your life for your M. And anything less than 100% equals protracted misery.

 

An A (affair) is like a vampire...it thrives in secrecy and darkness. Devoid it of both. Let there A become public...see how "wonderful" it is then. It'll die a swift and humiliating death.

that is me in the picture.

Change your avatar. And yes, you are lovely girl.

 

we have been talking more, finally. he said he wasn't ignoring me he just didn't know what to say. he saw her once which ended up in a fight and him leaving. he was there and i txtd him, he replied and she got mad.

i haven't lived in the house, aside from the occasional times i've stayed the night, and for about 3 times (about a week and a half long each) in past 6 months. and oh, i work for a lawyer. i'm a legal assistant, i have gone back to school last year to finish my degree in education to become a teacher. i work 30 hours a week and have taken 4-5 classes each semester for almost 2 years now. Im set to graduate in December if i can get through this semester

Good. Keep living your life and moving forward.

he says that he is scared i can't make him feel like she does....

I hope you slapped the shyt out of him for saying that. What an effin' pig.

You do understand he is telling you he loves her right? Or, more aptly, he loves the way she makes him feel. He won't grasp the difference now. Oh yeah, you are in the fight of your life right now...

 

and that hurts the most i think. he said it just wasn't exciting anymore.

Fair enough. Happens in many (most? all?) M's after a period of time. The question is how do you keep an M fresh and exciting? Answer: work at it.

 

i know i love him like no one will.

Obviously you got that wrong.

 

i know he is struggling and this has been very difficult for him and has affected everything...

For him? He's got it hard how? By popping back and forth two women who are both fighting for him? That's called an ego boost dear. He shags you, pulls back, approaches the OW, shags her, pulls back, approaches you, shags you, pulls back...you see a pattern here?

 

This pretty much describes the last what...6 months now? Longer actually, you simply didn't he was doing it back then.

 

but i'm trying to do that 180 yall are talking about. its very difficult, but its only thing i haven't tried. he says he is unsure, he doesn't know what he wants, and he is scared that he will regret it if he lets me go.

All about HIM isn't it? Nothing here about YOU.

And darling, the 180 is bunk. Stop it - you're wasting time.

And why do you cede all decision making to him? YOU make a decision. Stop moping around in tragic silence.

1) Out the A like I described above. Now.

2) Take his cell phone and introduce it to a hammer. Repeatedly. Then cancel the account.

3) Demand access to his emails. He fails to cough them up, take the PC away as well. Give it to a trusted family member. Or introduce it to a hammer as well. You decide.

4) Confiscate ALL debit/credit cards. Cut them up. Call your bank and ask for bank statements going back from when your H claims the A began. Your H is cash only...and YOU dole out the cash.

5) Turn on detailed billing for all phone numbers. Get the bills going back as far as you can...look for HER number.

7) Move back home. HE moves out. Unreal he has an A and YOU move out. He raises a stink...dial 911. Trust me, they will make him leave.

8) MC (marriage counseling). Not an option. He agrees or you file for D.

 

This is called taking control. Because YOU'RE not. HE is.

 

i basically told him that i'm not going to keep allowing him to be with her and still get to have me. i told him that as long as he is seeing/talking/being with her that i am going to try and move on. he knows that eventually means me moving 2 hours away. i told him that i loved him...

<yawn> A load of crap and he knows it. Just look at how you ACT.

And words like "eventually" and "try to move on" aren't exactly fear inducing. In all honesty, that's a weak ultimatum.

 

i miss him terribly. we weren't perfect, and we had drifted apart. but i never thought he would turn to someone else. i wish he would have talked to me. he said he wasn't unhappy, but content and he said he didn't realize that all he was was content until she made him feel how he hadn't. i dunno i didn't know he wasn't feeling those things.

I wager most A's start like this.

Happened to me. Exact same thing.

 

i student teach in august. i have about 3-4 weeks to tell my college if i'm student teaching where i am or in ft worth. i don't know how i will ever tear myself from someone i love so much.

Remember how I said your ultimatum was weak. Uh-huh.

Look, he has ZERO incentive to change. Not one. You aren't going anywhere, he really HASN'T paid a price (sine you so thoughtfully cover for him). He'll keep this up forever if you let him.

 

Look, I know this isn't easy. What I say isn't easy either.

But I PROMISE you ONE thing:

 

You follow my steps and this ends. One way or another, it ends. He either comes around and your M recovers in MC with the help, love and support of friends, family and coworkers...or it dies. Either way, you WILL know you made REASONABLE demands and he CHOSE otherwise.

 

I really am on your side.

Good luck...your fight has JUST begun.

 

Oh...if you are wondering...I DID everything I preached above.

And my now xW (ex-wife) broke the rules and got herself D.

 

Best. Thing. Ever.

Because I don't live in fear of another A or stuck in some loveless M or walking on eggshells in a hollow life. And yes, I have two small kids.

 

If I can do it...you can too.

 

JW

[LostIt2010]

I don't see how telling everyone in town about the affair would do either of us any good. i don't want to be labeled as a victim. this was our marriage, and we both are at fault for this happening.

 

no one can love him like me, he has said it and i know it. our affection slid, we took each other for granted and ignored what was happening.

 

i understand you are a BS and your personality is far different than mine. i love this man and i'm not causing more pain and drama out of bitterness. we are both hurting and i am fully aware i can walk away at anytime if i choose to, it is my decision... he has told me he wouldn't blame me one bit and he doesn't deserve what i have been during this. i'm deciding to not give up on us, to not cause more hurt and react out of anger. my feelings for him don't cut off bc he made a mistake and is going through the hardest time of his life. and granted i'm aware this is the worst thing in my life too.

 

yes it has been 6 months of back and forth, it has also been 6 months of heartache and talking and trying to figure out what is best for us both.

 

i work for a family law atty and have seen how utterly dispicable and messy divorces can get. everything we have together is ours, he helped build that as well as me. i want this fair and i don't want to end up hating each other over this. i don't care about phones, computers, or bank accounts. i care about myself, him, and us and getting this figured out with our sanity intact and us being happy whatever happens, not hating each other and not reacting out of anger.

 

it may sound stupid to you, but that is just not who i am. i don't like to cause hurt, i don't like to be angry (some fits of my own anger during this have scared me) i don't like to be full of bitterness, i love unconditionally, i'm loyal and too sweet... but i am certainly not going to let this affair change who i am on the inside.

 

no winners come out of this. you look at this like a battle where i should come out on top. this is a heartbreaking, life altering shame is what it is... neither of us are going to win.

[Snowflower]

 

it may sound stupid to you, but that is just not who i am. i don't like to cause hurt, i don't like to be angry (some fits of my own anger during this have scared me) i don't like to be full of bitterness, i love unconditionally, i'm loyal and too sweet... but i am certainly not going to let this affair change who i am on the inside.

 

 

First of all, I've been in a similar place. I was a BW and I know how h*llish it can be. I'm so sorry for the pain you are in.

 

I don't think jwi was suggesting that you tell other people out of vindictiveness or bitterness. He suggested that you tell other people to get the support that YOU need and to help your husband start to see the stark fallout of his decision to have an affair.

 

You do sound sweet. I'm sure your husband knows this. In fact, it is this sweetness of yours that your husband is counting on...so that he can continue to do whatever the H*ll he pleases. He can count on the fact that you will continue 'to be there for him.'

 

Get angry. NOW. You need your anger to propel you forward to make the best decisions for YOU. I totally get that anger is not who you are and that you don't want this affair that you husband is having to change you on the inside.

 

But being 'sweet and loyal' isn't going to help you at this point. After all, your husband and this affair that he has been having isn't at all 'sweet and loyal.' You need to be strong. You mentioned that you are working for a family law attorney, this is great...get the information you need.

 

Think about this, if you don't stand up for yourself now, who will?

Edited April 26, 2010 by Snowflower

[Spark1111]

Let me preface my post by saying I'm also a BS (betrayed spouse).

 

I will also say I want whatever you think is best for you. I'm on your side...even though as you read you might not think so. Yup, thats a warning of the biatch slap to follow - it won't always be pretty. But read it with an open mind - remember my viewpoint...Im on the outside looking in.

 

I will also tell you that "180" bullcrap is just that - bullcrap.

 

I think it is misrepesented or somewhat difficult to understand here, but it is not bullcrap. It is not designed to get the MP back, it is designed to preserve one's own dignity and emotions when in this mess.

 

I don't know Katerina's or on1wheel's story but I CAN tell you I wouldn't want to end up as they have - in broken, unhappy, miserable marriages.

 

Actually...what do you want? Do you want to save your M? OR do you want to end it? Obviously, if you want to end it, do so. I live in Texas as well and its REAL easy to file. IF you want your M to survive (and it IS possible to have it ALL back)...then read on...

 

 

 

Stop. Stop hiding this. YOU did NOTHING wrong. YOU have NOTHING to be ashamed of. YOU are 100% the VICTIM.

 

Embracing that alone will allow you to do a 180.

 

Pick up the phone and call EVERYONE. Tell YOUR parents. Tell HIS parents. Tell your boss, tell his boss, tell his grandma, tell your minister/preacher/rabbi/sufi/cleric/whatever. Tell his siblings, tell yours, tell his friends, your friends.

 

Also important, in that you gain a support group through this misery, and the affair relationship is exposed to the light of day. No more secrets.

 

Out the OW (other woman) to EVERYONE. By name. Tell HER family, friends, tell her boss, tell her H (husband) or bf...

 

In short...TELL THE WORLD. You'll be SHOCKED at how people congeal around you...you'll find allies and support in people and places you NEVER suspected (like the internet).

 

Agree here too.

 

This isn't petty or vindictive...this is FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. Because frankly, you haven't done a damn thing except mope around and feel sorry for yourself. You are and have been in the fight of your life for your M. And anything less than 100% equals protracted misery.

 

An A (affair) is like a vampire...it thrives in secrecy and darkness. Devoid it of both. Let there A become public...see how "wonderful" it is then. It'll die a swift and humiliating death.

Change your avatar. And yes, you are lovely girl.

 

we have been talking more, finally. he said he wasn't ignoring me he just didn't know what to say. he saw her once which ended up in a fight and him leaving. he was there and i txtd him, he replied and she got mad.

Good. Keep living your life and moving forward.

I hope you slapped the shyt out of him for saying that. What an effin' pig.

You do understand he is telling you he loves her right? Or, more aptly, he loves the way she makes him feel. He won't grasp the difference now. Oh yeah, you are in the fight of your life right now...

 

Fair enough. Happens in many (most? all?) M's after a period of time. The question is how do you keep an M fresh and exciting? Answer: work at it.

 

Obviously you got that wrong.

 

For him? He's got it hard how? By popping back and forth two women who are both fighting for him? That's called an ego boost dear. He shags you, pulls back, approaches the OW, shags her, pulls back, approaches you, shags you, pulls back...you see a pattern here?

 

This pretty much describes the last what...6 months now? Longer actually, you simply didn't he was doing it back then.

 

All about HIM isn't it? Nothing here about YOU.

And darling, the 180 is bunk. Stop it - you're wasting time.

And why do you cede all decision making to him? YOU make a decision. Stop moping around in tragic silence.

1) Out the A like I described above. Now.

2) Take his cell phone and introduce it to a hammer. Repeatedly. Then cancel the account.

3) Demand access to his emails. He fails to cough them up, take the PC away as well. Give it to a trusted family member. Or introduce it to a hammer as well. You decide.

4) Confiscate ALL debit/credit cards. Cut them up. Call your bank and ask for bank statements going back from when your H claims the A began. Your H is cash only...and YOU dole out the cash.

5) Turn on detailed billing for all phone numbers. Get the bills going back as far as you can...look for HER number.

7) Move back home. HE moves out. Unreal he has an A and YOU move out. He raises a stink...dial 911. Trust me, they will make him leave.

8) MC (marriage counseling). Not an option. He agrees or you file for D.

 

This is called taking control. Because YOU'RE not. HE is.

 

Everything you are saying is part of the 180, if done from a position of calm and objective strength as opposed to raging lunacy, if done from the point of view, "well you have made your choice, so we need to divest our joint accounts."

 

<yawn> A load of crap and he knows it. Just look at how you ACT.

And words like "eventually" and "try to move on" aren't exactly fear inducing. In all honesty, that's a weak ultimatum.

 

I wager most A's start like this.

Happened to me. Exact same thing.

 

Remember how I said your ultimatum was weak. Uh-huh.

Look, he has ZERO incentive to change. Not one. You aren't going anywhere, he really HASN'T paid a price (sine you so thoughtfully cover for him). He'll keep this up forever if you let him.

 

So true. There is no consequence, there is no finality.

 

Look, I know this isn't easy. What I say isn't easy either.

But I PROMISE you ONE thing:

 

You follow my steps and this ends. One way or another, it ends. He either comes around and your M recovers in MC with the help, love and support of friends, family and coworkers...or it dies. Either way, you WILL know you made REASONABLE demands and he CHOSE otherwise.

 

Also what the 180 is designed for: sane resolution to an insane problem and knowing and planning your future, with or without him.

 

I really am on your side.

Good luck...your fight has JUST begun.

 

Oh...if you are wondering...I DID everything I preached above.

And my now xW (ex-wife) broke the rules and got herself D.

 

Best. Thing. Ever.

Because I don't live in fear of another A or stuck in some loveless M or walking on eggshells in a hollow life. And yes, I have two small kids.

 

If I can do it...you can too.

 

JW

 

Some good advice here, lostit: You cannot control nor change another person, only your reactions to them and your own feelings.

Time to plan for YOUR future, with or without him.

[jwi71]

I don't see how telling everyone in town about the affair would do either of us any good. i don't want to be labeled as a victim. this was our marriage, and we both are at fault for this happening.

 

Wrong.

You are both responsible for a "stale" M.

Only HE is responsible for the decision, planning and execution of an A.

 

And I didn't say "everyone in town". I specifically named KEY players - I may have selected them for a reason.

 

no one can love him like me, he has said it and i know it. our affection slid, we took each other for granted and ignored what was happening.

Hun, if that was the case then his decision would already be made would it not? Except there he sits, wondering which woman's love makes him happiest. Wondering if he can recapture the magic you two once had. That's awfully hard to do when the OW (other woman) is telling him how SHE loves him and how miserable life is w/o her. You gotta step up if you want your M to move forward...because passive hasn't worked too well for you.

 

But, its your life and your M...if you wish to allow him to see the OW...ok. I'm not sure that will help but its your decision.

i understand you are a BS and your personality is far different than mine. i love this man and i'm not causing more pain and drama out of bitterness.

Oh darling. You have so misread me. I specifically said it isn't that.

Why do you have friends and family if not to lean upon in good times AND bad? Why turn your back on them when you need them the most?

 

Again...its your life...

 

we are both hurting and i am fully aware i can walk away at anytime if i choose to, it is my decision... he has told me he wouldn't blame me one bit and he doesn't deserve what i have been during this. i'm deciding to not give up on us, to not cause more hurt and react out of anger. my feelings for him don't cut off bc he made a mistake and is going through the hardest time of his life. and granted i'm aware this is the worst thing in my life too.

I'm sorry, but I fail to see how killing the A and circling your friends, your family, and key people around you is causing hurt. In my world, its called circling the wagons and healing.

 

And hun, an A is NOT a mistake. Its a deliberate and preconceived plan carried out over...well, how long? Unless you believe he was walking down the street and accidentally had sex with some random woman...

 

yes it has been 6 months of back and forth, it has also been 6 months of heartache and talking and trying to figure out what is best for us both.

And how much progress have you made? What conclusions have been reached? Has he decided to stop seeing the OW? What about MC?

 

i work for a family law atty and have seen how utterly dispicable and messy divorces can get. everything we have together is ours, he helped build that as well as me. i want this fair and i don't want to end up hating each other over this.

Then don't. My D was quite civil and over and done with in under 3 months.

i don't care about phones, computers, or bank accounts.

<Sigh>

You confiscate them to make sure he ISN'T in contact with the OW.

Its called ending the A. And hun, his A is still ongoing...hard to fight for a M while the OW is in the picture.

 

Look, if you aren't willing to FIGHT...then quit. File for D. Spare yourself the trouble of these "talks"...get your D, become a teacher and move on.

i care about myself, him, and us and getting this figured out with our sanity intact and us being happy whatever happens, not hating each other and not reacting out of anger.

Where do you think this is angry? Its harsh. Its brutal.

But guess what...it WORKS.

Because he has paid ZERO price. Not one ounce of reality has hit him.

Don't tell me "losing me is the price he pays"...he knows that and apparently that hasn't sent him running back to you. Likely because he has the OW telling him how great life is with her...and guess what...it IS (for now). When you don't pay a price for some action, you have ZERO incentive to end it.

 

it may sound stupid to you, but that is just not who i am. i don't like to cause hurt, i don't like to be angry (some fits of my own anger during this have scared me) i don't like to be full of bitterness, i love unconditionally, i'm loyal and too sweet... but i am certainly not going to let this affair change who i am on the inside.

Dear God no...but you DO have stand up for YOU and not laying down like a cheap rug. I NEVER said get mean. I NEVER said get ANGRY.

 

I said GET BUSY. Not words. ACTIONS.

 

I strongly recommend mine. They aren't mean, they aren't nasty, they aren't bitter. They ARE effective, responsible and prudent ways to end the A. Because guess what...your H lies to you about it.

 

Trust, but verify.

 

My tone is designed to pi$$ you off and spur you from words into ACTION. Actions, in my experience here and IRL, end the A. I make no claim to whether the M recovers...only that it ENDS the A. And you can't recover your M with the OW in the picture. She HAS to go - forever and in a verifiable manner.

 

no winners come out of this. you look at this like a battle where i should come out on top. this is a heartbreaking, life altering shame is what it is... neither of us are going to win.

Drop it. If you didn't want to win you wouldn't be here.

And yes...there can be winners...you and your H. You CAN recover your M, be happy and have this be a distant memory. Sounds like a win to me.

Of course, you gotta END the A first...something you don't seem too keen on doing. And lets face it, I don't even buy your words...what makes you think your H will? I promise you he is still seeing her...and its because he a) wants to and b) you do nothing to prevent it.

 

You say you want your M to continue.

But I don't see much in terms of ACTION that supports it.

You're kinda sounding like MBEG to me now...

[Fight4Me]

thanks.

 

is this 180 something that seems to be a common thing? they way all of you talk about it, it is something that is put into the works often. any experience with results from it.

 

my heart is just breaking.

 

and my logic tells me the obvious, if it was my friend or sister going through this i would tell them to get out. its so different when its you, and your heart that just can't let the love of your life go.

 

but i understand. its been months. i've done everything i shouldn't... cried, pleaded, lashed out against her, argued my side, lashed out against him, been pathetic, tried not to care...... nothing has worked.

 

i know everyone says time will heal, that everything will be ok. its just i don't know anything without him attached to it, i don't see how everything will be ok without him in my life. i'm too naive about love i think. this has stripped everything i believed in into nothing

 

and i'll add. the one time i got strength up and behaved sort of like the 180 he did ask me to come back to the house. it was good for a couple of days, then he started talking to her again. i got my strength up a couple times to which he got me to come back, to only start talking to her again. it just happened a third time. i don't have strength left. it was like for a couple months everytime i got a leg under me to stand on he pulled me in to take my legs out again. he said it was never intentionally, that he meant all that and he does want us, but he can't help his other feelings too.

 

Oh, I'm so sorry to read about the hurt and betrayal you are going through. My husband and I are in the process of reconciling after his A (EA and PA), which is, by far, the greatest pain I've endured; which is saying a lot considering everything else I've been through. It is said that the trauma from infidelity is on the same level as assault, so it takes a great deal of time, counseling, and self-preservation (the 180) to get through it. The fact that your WH continues to go back and forth between you and the ska...er... other woman, is equivalent to you being assaulted over and over and over again. The longer you allow it to go on, whether you divorce or reconcile, the wounds will continue to deepen and prolong the healing process.

 

The 180 is a well-known coping strategy for betrayed spouses to become emotionally stronger and help them deal with the insanity going on around them. Sometimes you've got to fake it 'till you make it, but sticking strongly to it really works. It also has the added benefit of waking up the WS to the reality of what he/she is about to throw away. You have to really commit to doing it, though, because there will be times in the beginning when it will feel counter-intuitive, and that's because you've become accustomed to operating as one-half of a whole (as it's supposed to be in marriage), but your WS has changed the parameters of the relationship, adding a third person who has no business being there.

 

If you continue as is, you are just prolonging the agony and giving up your self-respect. I guarantee that even if he left her today and went completely NC, you'd eventually end up questioning if he really came back on his own because you were his #1 choice, or if maybe you were just his fall-back safety net. You will have wished, either way, that you had exercised the power you had; and make no mistake, you have all the power here. He's on the fence. It's time to push him off!

 

With that said, in addition to the 180, I suggest the following:

 

1. See an attorney right away. Don't tell him you're doing this! Learn your rights, then have him served with divorce papers. Just because you file doesn't mean your marriage is over. It just happens to be the strongest and quickest way to show your WH that you will not tolerate being an option any longer.

 

2. Find a counselor and make an appointment for yourself right away. This isn't something you just "get over," and therapy is an essential tool for healing.

 

3. Make an appointment today or first thing tomorrow morning with your doctor to be tested for STD's. I understand how humiliated you are about having to do this, but it is necessary nonetheless, and rest assured that they will not be judgmental (and have pretty much seen and heard it all). While there, you may want to inquire about an anti-depressant to help get you through the worst of it.

 

4. In relation to #3, do NOT, under any circumstances, have unprotected sex with him until you are certain he is no longer in contact with her and has been tested for STD's himself (and make sure he provides proof that he's clean). You will both need to be tested every six months.

 

I know a lot of people would say that your marriage is over, and you should just kick him to the curb, but I believe there's hope if he becomes truly remorseful and does the hard work to not only fix himself, but the marriage as well. Right now, your WH sounds like he has landed on Fantasy Island, and seems to have an immature view of love. He attributes it completely to that new "butterflies in the stomach" feeling, and will one day realize that true love is self-sacrificing and infinitely more satisfying. I pray that he wakes up before he loses the best thing that's ever happened to him. I really do.

 

I apologize for this being so long, but my heart really goes out to you and want to help encourage you the best way I know how. (((hugs)))

[Spark1111]

I don't see how telling everyone in town about the affair would do either of us any good. i don't want to be labeled as a victim. this was our marriage, and we both are at fault for this happening.

 

no one can love him like me, he has said it and i know it. our affection slid, we took each other for granted and ignored what was happening.

 

i understand you are a BS and your personality is far different than mine. i love this man and i'm not causing more pain and drama out of bitterness. we are both hurting and i am fully aware i can walk away at anytime if i choose to, it is my decision... he has told me he wouldn't blame me one bit and he doesn't deserve what i have been during this. i'm deciding to not give up on us, to not cause more hurt and react out of anger. my feelings for him don't cut off bc he made a mistake and is going through the hardest time of his life. and granted i'm aware this is the worst thing in my life too.

 

I get this, I really do. But remaining in his life has not helped him through HIS pain yet, has it? He is STILL confused about who he wants. But it HAS prolonged your pain.

 

yes it has been 6 months of back and forth, it has also been 6 months of heartache and talking and trying to figure out what is best for us both.

 

Trust me. What is best for both of you is to remove yourself completely from this affair-induced emotional drama and confusion. How long are YOU willing to wait until he makes up his mind? How much time will you have lost if he chooses HER. I say this to OW too who wait around for YEARS.

 

 

 

i work for a family law atty and have seen how utterly dispicable and messy divorces can get. everything we have together is ours, he helped build that as well as me. i want this fair and i don't want to end up hating each other over this. i don't care about phones, computers, or bank accounts. i care about myself, him, and us and getting this figured out with our sanity intact and us being happy whatever happens, not hating each other and not reacting out of anger.

 

That is very sane and rational. Pull the trigger and get going on separating your joint accounts.

 

it may sound stupid to you, but that is just not who i am. i don't like to cause hurt, i don't like to be angry (some fits of my own anger during this have scared me) i don't like to be full of bitterness, i love unconditionally, i'm loyal and too sweet... but i am certainly not going to let this affair change who i am on the inside.

 

You are halfway there and stronger than you think. Do not let it change you. But how will you feel if he chooses a life with her while you were waiting in the wings with open arms for him? Probably bitter, angry and resentful.

 

no winners come out of this. you look at this like a battle where i should come out on top. this is a heartbreaking, life altering shame is what it is... neither of us are going to win.

 

There is no shame for you! Many people have marital issues, not all seek an affair partner. They seek to fix the marriage first. Imagine that? While we all hold an equal responsibility for the state of the marriage, you did not go out and find an affair partner? Why is that?

 

I am a happily reconciled BS, and I agree with the advice you have been given here. Your situation will not resolve itself while you hold his hand during his guilt attacks before he runs back to his mistress.

 

You love him and he loves her? Then let him have her full time so he can consider the depths of his love for her, and you move on as the one true act of self-love as you try to determine a future without him.

 

Everybody wins.

[Samantha0905]

I'm was a WS and even I, for the most part, agree with the advice jwi71 has given to you. You need to play hardball with your husband. He's openly treating you very poorly. Put a stop to it.

[2sunny]

the more you make him comfortable - the less likely he is to change anything.

 

change everything. if nothing changes - nothing changes.

 

move to your home - HE moves out since he caused this mess.

 

do not fight for him - HE should be fighting to keep YOU happy, the woman he betrayed. he should be making WAAAAY more effort than you - after all he did the bad behavior... it's for him to repair. it's for you to wait and see if he makes the effort to do this. IF he's not even sorry - i wouldn't expect him to be making the effort.

 

take care of YOU.

 

he's only willing to see what HE can get out of all this. he wants what he wants - at YOUR expense. he wants you making more effort so you make him feel better than she makes him feel. he will get what he's looking for - especially since he's so selfish and self centered that he doesn't even see the harm to anyone he's brought.

 

he's taking care of himself. YOU need to look out for yourself - which doesn't include a selfish, self centered egotistical boy.

 

the man you thought you married no longer exists - he ran away with your friend. end of story. tell him that.

[PhoenixRise]

Lostit

 

I have been where you are and I know how much you are hurting, but you don't have to drown in your pain.

 

You can swim. And if you don't know how you can learn.

 

One of the hardest things that hindered my personal recovery after my H cheated was truly accepting the facts on the ground. Truly accepting that the man that I had loved for so long and built a life with was NOT the man I though he was. In fact while he was in the affair and especially after dday he was a completely different person.

 

The man you are dealing with now, is not the same man you married. You can't "love" him back to you. You can't "understand" him back to you. It doesn't work that way.

 

If it did, he would be back already. Right now he doesn't value your love and understanding.

 

Because there is a whole other person who is influencing his decisions. If this woman loves him, the only way she gets what she wants is if you lose.

 

She understands him. He doesn't have to feel guilty about his horrible behavior when he is with her because she has no room to judge him. She makes him feel good.

 

And he says he doesn't know if you can make him feel the same way.

 

I want you to think for a second about the mindset of a man who has lied to you and betrayed you in the worse possible way telling you that he doesn't know if he CAN feel as good with you as he does with his OW.

 

I also hope you will take another look at the advice you have received in this thread. To me, it is not about punishing your WS. To me it is about establishing for yourself what is and is not acceptable treatment in a relationship.

 

I told our friends and family about my H's affair. I realized that I was carrying an unfair burden of shame and keeping that secret was weighing ME down. Bringing things out into the light of day was one of the best decisions I made in the aftermath of dday.

 

The other decision I made that greatly benefited me was the decision that if I was not going to get the kind of marriage I deserved, I was just not going to be married. When my husband didn't end contact with his FOW, I packed my things and moved away. And I only had contact with him when it had to do with our child. THEN he wanted to talk, to explain, to promise, to say whatever.... but the time for words had passed. It was only after he took massive actions that I was willing to entertain taking him back.

 

Now, my H and I did eventually reconcile, but it only happened because I was willing to demonstrate that I would not accept his dithering over the affair. If he didn't know for sure that he wanted me THEN I knew for sure that I didn't need him.

 

I didn't try to take away his phone or computer. I just decided not to put up with being treated as if I was optional. Don't ever treat a man as if he was a priority if he is only treating you as if you were optional.

 

Lostit. What you are doing now is not working. I hope you will see that and be willing to think about things a different way. Believe it or not, right now, you have nothing to lose in changing your tactics.

 

Best of luck to you.