blondie1981 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I am a 29 year old who has just started dating a 40 year old man with 3 kids (from 2 different mothers)! First of all, I dont have any issues with his age (because he is gorgeous) and the fact that he has children doesnt bother me either.... I guess I would just like advice from someone (preferably other single fathers) who have dated a girl who doesnt have children of their own.. That wasnt a good introduction. I see it as he is an amazing person and Im not going to not not be with him or rule him out just because he has kids. So... we have been together for about 2 months now.. we live 3 hours apart so its pretty difficult to find times when we can see each other and he works nights and pretty much sees his kids every other night. I havent met them, and this is fine, I know I will when he is ready and things get more serious. I know that they will always come first and I will be second best..which I think is how it should be.. for now. My question is... at what stage can I get angry when he says he cant see me! or cancels on me (which he hasnt done yet)! Im not going to be able to see him for the next 3 weeks (due to both of us already having committments) - I just feel that sometimes maybe he doesnt try hard enough, and I know that he really cant sometimes, but when do I have the right to say that i have to come first sometimes... like once every 2 weeeks... thats not too much to ask is it? he is really great at communicating (when his kids arent around - as they dont know about me) but I do struggle a little bit that this is never the same, it changes from day to day. . and although I know (or i think!) he is thinking of me most of the time its weird for me to sometimes hear from him 10 times a day and then sometimes not at all (not true... i do get a good morning text first thing everyday!) (i realise this is my issue not his!!!) I dont know, I like this guy a lot, I havent felt this about someoen since my ex and we ended 3 years ago so I really want to give a good go of it... I just need to know how it is for him being with someone like me - who maybe demands too much of him and his time and I dont know. Just would like to know how difficult it may be for him so that I can try to understand better and maybe not expect so much all the time, or if i can expect more?!? Oh, Im prety busy so seeing him every other weekend suits me perfectly thanks all
Crack on Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I'm a single dad with 2 kids. Been seeing a single mum with one little one for a couple of months now. Difficult for us synchronising diaries to see each other, but we are in the same boat and understand the situation re availability and who comes first. Your situation is different in that you have just yourself to think about, whereas you guy has himself and three others to think about (don't take that the wrong way ). His time is obviously more scarce than yours... the fact that he's in contact so much when he can sounds to me like you're on his mind quite a lot. When can you ask that you come first... whenever you like really. You say you understand the difficult situation that he is in (he wants to see his kids and he wants to see you...but not at the same time at the moment). You need to decide for yourself if you're prepared to accept that situation of playing second fiddle. Please just realise that he can't keep his kids and you happy all the time. If you're happy seeing him every other weekend, then I don't see that as an unreasonable request (though I personally would struggle seeing someone as little as that!).
Author blondie1981 Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Thanks Crack On. He was actually really quiet on the communicating this week and I brought it up yesterday (ie. asked if plans were still on to see in 3 weeks time!) he apologised, said it had been a crazy week, he would make time for me and missed me I guess I just mustnt be afraid to say how I feel. I know he cant make his kids and me happy at the same time... and lol its 5 people he has to make happy before me (his 3 kids and the 2 exes!). Ha. I think its quite funny and I tease him about it. I think as time progresses we will want to spend more time together and once he tells his kids etc about me it may be easier. Thanks for the advice - appreciate it a lot Oh, and another question... he has said just briefly in conversation he doesnt want to have any more kids.... is this something that he may ever change his mind about. (i dunno, everyone is different, but what is your view if that is how he feels now... if you met the 'right woman' would you reconsider having more?).. its obviously still early days but it is something I need to think about as would like children of my own one day..
silverfish Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I can't give you a 'dads' POV but I can give you a single parents view. Firstly, he doesn't have to put you after his exes...thats not on. You come after his kids as they are his children, but his exes? They don't have to be kept 'happy' as that's not presumably his job anymore I found it very difficult at first to make time to see my BF as I look after my kids all the time aprt from 2 days a week. The 2 days I get off are spent working....so no free time for me. What I found was that unless I made time for myself (just me) I couldn't think about having a relationship. Basically, it wasn't enough for my BF...he was quite needy and demanding (he wanted us to see eachother twice a week lol...completely reasonable of course). I tried my best to make that time for him and made sacrifices by not seeing friends, having time to myself etc....It seemed like neither of us was happy with the situation. It doesn't sound like this is right for you long term...you want kids and I'd take it very seriously that he said he doesn't want any more because almost certainly means it. Has he has a vasectomy? My ex H didn't tell his GF til they'd been together for 6 months that he'd had one -- nice
Crack on Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 The "snip" question will give you the answer you need... I was going to go down that route but never did... glad I didn't now. Don't know if I want more kids or not now that life has changed, but at least its an option and hopefully a decision to be made. Obviously as time goes on you will start to understand what each of you wants from the relationship e.g. marriage or co-habit? kids or not? etc. Up to you to decide what you want, if you're lucky he will want the same. He must be doing a fairly good job keeping his exes "happy" to be seeing his kids as much as he is... it might not be his job to do this, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't see so much of the kids if he didn't... but that's for another forum...
EasyHeart Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 "My question is... at what stage can I get angry when he says he cant see me! or cancels on me (which he hasnt done yet)!" My answer is. . . NEVER! These are his kids; kids come first. You don't get to be jealous of his kids and you certainly don't get to be angry at him because he spends time with his kids. Ever. If you can't accept that, then don't date someone with kids. Ever.
123BeachFan Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 (edited) Okay, I'm a single (divorced) mom, with a preteen daughter at home. I have shared custody with my ex. I am currently seeing a man who is also a dad and divorced, and he has shared custody with his ex. First thing. Stop thinking in terms of the kids coming first, and that you come second. Kids are kids. They can't be abandoned or neglected, so OF COURSE they are a priority in his life. It doesn't mean you aren't important. It's not a competition. It's life, or at least, it's life as a parent. The best thing to do is to roughly plan out a schedule arrangement. So, maybe you always see him on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then weekends when he doesn't have the kids. Or something like that. That way, you have some regular time and then you are flexible if necessary, but that it's presumed that you're in the appointment calendar, so to speak. Ask in advance, what does next week look like for you? And you need to be a bit flexible, laid back, and accommodating to date a single parent. Again, it's no reflection on how he feels about you. Rather, it's understanding that at this point in his life, he's got responsibilities. Regarding him not wanting more kids. How old are his current kids? If they are relatively young (under 10), he might be more willing to have more children. But if his kids are older (teens) he's probably ready to cut loose and be an adult again, unencumbered by diapers and soccer practice drive schedules. If having children is important to you, have a heart to heart with your man. You don't want to discover, 3 years down the road, that he's serious about not wanting kids, and you're serious about wanting them. Edited April 23, 2010 by 123BeachFan
Author blondie1981 Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 thanks all, his kids are 15, 11 and 5.... the first two from the first ex... he didnt want anymore after but met someone and ended up having another daughter.... I havent asked about the snip question - I guess I should.. Re. setting up regular meet ups... problem is i work Monday to Friday... and he works random nights and other nights he has his kids - and we live 3 1/2 hrs away so its not as easy as driving just down the road... Pretty much only time we can see each other is weekends but his weekends he is always working or seeing his kids which is what i meant about getting angry when I cant see him - like that he will always have to change his plans to see me (and keep his exes happy so that he can change these plans from time to time) - - Its just impossible to see him during the week so this is just how it is.. I know his kids are his kids and he cant abandon them, of course... but in order for us to see each other he has to move things around... I would if i could - but i cant jump on a train at 5pm after work - get to him at 8:30 and then on the train at 4 the next morning to be at work.. in any case I cant go to his house yet cause we arent there yet!! But I probably will do this when I get the invite to his house... which Im not expecting to be soon because Im still a 'secret' as its still early days
123BeachFan Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 You haven't been to his house yet? I assumed you had. How/where have you been meeting so far? Well, if it's truly impossible to coordinate some time with him, it might be really hard to keep this relationship going.
Romance Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I think its gonna be REALLY hard for a single father to be in a long distance relationship. Like, nearly impossible. So much responsibility he probably cant just drive 3 hours away 2 weekends a month
Author blondie1981 Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Nope, havent been to his... he usually comes to my house or we have been meeting like 1/2 way and then spending the day or night together there.. He also lives in a really small town and it would be common knowledge in like 5 minutes that he had a woman stay over and then everyone would get talking!! Im fine with the not seeing him so often now.. its kind of fun and exciting waiting to see him .. hes been really good so far with making plans and stuff so Im just hoping this will get easier with time... (ie. when Im not a secret anymore) and I can go to his
123BeachFan Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Here in the US, it wouldn't be a big deal for the neighbors to notice if there was a sleepover. I don't think they'd even bother noticing. Especially if you were discreet about it (no walking out the front door at 8am with yesterday's nightclub dress and mascara smeared down your face, for example, LOL).
silverfish Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Hey I live in small town in the UK, and it was common knowledge when I had a BF, but then I was single so it was irrelevant....why is your BF so bothered about this? If you can't stay with him when his kids aren't there that seems a little off to me. Does he not want either of his exes to find out? Is that what you meant by his 'keeping them happy'? If so, that's wrong of him or something is amiss there.
Author blondie1981 Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 silverfish, problem is, when his kids arent there he is working (owns a bar) so pointless for me to be there as he wouldnt be there!! this is the problem! He hasnt actually said that I cant stay over because he doesnt want people to find out.. but its a small town... so his exes will find out and they might say something to the kids before he is ready to tell them... this is what I think anyway...?
Author blondie1981 Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 by keeping them happy I meant so that when he needs to change plans/swap nights to see me he can do this if on good terms... they have to be happy to let him do this!
D-Lish Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 When you take on a relationship with someone with kids, you take on the kids and everything that goes along with it. Things come up with kids- so there will be times when he will have to cancel or rearrange the time he spends with you. I tried dating a man with kids once, never again. It's just not for me.
Author blondie1981 Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 hi all, please.. need some more advice. I didnt see the dude last weekend cause he was away and couldnt see this weekend cause I was away. I text him last week to ask if was goin to see him this weekend coming... he said he cant... he has a squash do with his team. which is fine. i remember him telling me about it. he never goes out - it will be good for him. BUT I also said to him i am back early this afternoon if he wanted to come up and stay and that i was free on wed night if he cant do monday. he responded to my text but didnt say whether he could do either. I know he cant say yes or no straight away because he has people to check with and stuff... but i would just like to hear ' i will try' 'will make a plan' or something like that.. but nothing. then i got a text from him last night to say we will be together soon xxx but no indicator of when soon will be. I dont want to be pushy but you know - i need to know how long i need to wait to see him again. I want to ask him if im just a convenient person who lives 200 miles away cause he doesnt have time for a 'normal' relationship. MY problem is I really really like him a lot but i dont wait to wait another 3 weeks to see him if im just a convenient thing for him - then there is no point. I really dont think this is the case because I do think he likes me - i guess I just would like to feel like i matter more. He texts, he phones, but I like concrete plans. and i realise he cant always make then but i feel like im always the one saying can you do this day, are you free then... i want him to say i am free tomorrow, can i come up... i want him to make a plan on his own - i dont want to feel like i am the one who is always chasing him. Maybe this is my fault, maybe I make myself too available, but I have to, because he is never available so if im not available when would i ever see him... please help, what do i do, do i say something to him, or do i just tone down a bit and see what he comes up with?? thanks all!!!
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