starwolf242 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Hi everyone I've been reading the boards here since December and have learned alot from all of your comments and opinions. As a result you have all inspired me. I'm nearly 5 months out of my first heartbreak and have slowly come to the realisation that wallowing in self pity and crying out "why can't I just find a decent guy who won't f*ck me about and leave me for someone else" is not making anything change. The change must come from me. Admittedly I'm a bit of a hermit, I'm 24 years old, only been in love once and am a mature student at University so a long way from family and old friends. I only have 2 friends up here (both have boyfriends) so i don't get much chance to go out and I find that the younger students don't have much in common with me. But I am determined to be more sociable and to get more friends and just generally be more confident. My self confidence is on it's arse because of my ex and I refuse to let him keep me down anymore. Towards the end he made me feel awful about myself and I've been filled with self doubt and thinking I'm not worthy of love and not attractive or nice enough to ever find it again. I will not let this thinking continue. I know the first step for me to improve my confidence is to shape up and i am making efforts to start that. But what i want to know from all you lovely people is what are the best ways to meet new people in order to make friends and maybe find someone to date. And also, what suggestions do you have for me to get my self esteem up and think more positively in order to break free from the negativity of my recent past? And the million dollar question - what do men want? I thought I was a good girlfriend, i'm affectionate, understanding, clever, laid back, i encourage any bfs to pursue their own interests and never prevent them from seeing friends or doing their own thing. I'm not clingy, I'm romantic, I show my SO how much i appreciate them, I always encourage bfs to follow their dreams and I rarely lose my temper. And yet my longest relationship was 3 days shy of a year and it is always me being dumped (usually for someone else). So what is it that I'm doing wrong? What do men find attractive in women? All ideas and comments welcome.
soulm8 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Hi everyone I've been reading the boards here since December and have learned alot from all of your comments and opinions. As a result you have all inspired me. I'm nearly 5 months out of my first heartbreak and have slowly come to the realisation that wallowing in self pity and crying out "why can't I just find a decent guy who won't f*ck me about and leave me for someone else" is not making anything change. The change must come from me. Admittedly I'm a bit of a hermit, I'm 24 years old, only been in love once and am a mature student at University so a long way from family and old friends. I only have 2 friends up here (both have boyfriends) so i don't get much chance to go out and I find that the younger students don't have much in common with me. But I am determined to be more sociable and to get more friends and just generally be more confident. My self confidence is on it's arse because of my ex and I refuse to let him keep me down anymore. Towards the end he made me feel awful about myself and I've been filled with self doubt and thinking I'm not worthy of love and not attractive or nice enough to ever find it again. I will not let this thinking continue. I know the first step for me to improve my confidence is to shape up and i am making efforts to start that. But what i want to know from all you lovely people is what are the best ways to meet new people in order to make friends and maybe find someone to date. And also, what suggestions do you have for me to get my self esteem up and think more positively in order to break free from the negativity of my recent past? And the million dollar question - what do men want? I thought I was a good girlfriend, i'm affectionate, understanding, clever, laid back, i encourage any bfs to pursue their own interests and never prevent them from seeing friends or doing their own thing. I'm not clingy, I'm romantic, I show my SO how much i appreciate them, I always encourage bfs to follow their dreams and I rarely lose my temper. And yet my longest relationship was 3 days shy of a year and it is always me being dumped (usually for someone else). So what is it that I'm doing wrong? What do men find attractive in women? All ideas and comments welcome. Aww sweetie... you're young and simply haven't met the right guy for you. You sound wonderful! Please don't allow some jackazz to bring down your self esteem. What has helped me in the past is writing a letter to myself... I compassionately apologized to myself for whatever happened to me as if I was my own older sister. Sounds weird, but it worked. I tend to be somewhat of a hermit myself, so I've had the best luck with online dating simply because I find it too difficult to put myself "out there" otherwise. Go out with girlfriends? Participate in activities you enjoy? What kind of guy do you hope to meet? Where would he most likely spend his free time or happen to be? Pay attention to red flags while getting to know men. Don't be afraid to assert your opinions with grace. Be your authentic self... and you'll be appreciated for who you are by the right man.
blondie1981 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I think the first thing you need to do is realise it isnt about you.... stop thinking there is something wrong with you because there isnt ... men know when you feel this way ( i know this because I used to be this way ) and its offputting for them... the problem for you now is to find the real you again since your ex completely knocked all your confidence. This takes time... a lot of time... dont be in any rush to meet someone, he will come along when you least expect it... and when you are ready....from reading your post it sounds as though you are still hurting so it probably wouldnt be healthy for you right now to be in a relationship (although this is what you want its probably ths last thing you need). Re. meeting people... there are loads of sites purely for meeting people... ah sorry I didnt see if you were from UK or US or ..? But in UK there is citysocialising, meet up etc.. sign up and give this a try.. And when you feel you are ready for dating... try online. I did this for about a year as was too busy to ever meet anyone. I met some amazing people.. but clearly havent met the man of my dreams yet!! Dont be afraid of being alone... I was with my ex for 6 years and have been single for 3 and half years and its been the best time of my life because I have learnt who I am again and I know what I want now and wont waste my time with losers ever again.. Good luck and he is out there somewhere...its much better to be alone than with the wrong person
blondie1981 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 dont worry about what men want.. I think most dont know... as most woman dont know either... you will know when you find it though....... and thats all you need to know
LittleMissWonder Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 You are clearly on the right path, educating yourself about these things. You are therefore a step ahead of most women out there. Don't give up. Keep doing just what you're doing.
Author starwolf242 Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Thank you all of you who have replied. It actually made me well up to have someone say it isn’t me that’s the problem. I guess sometimes you just have so many knocks that you start to think what’s the common denominator – it must be me. You’re right, I am still hurting and I think that contributes to my defeatist thoughts when I’m down. I know I’m not ready for a proper relationship but I am essentially all alone here and I just want to surround myself with nice people who will help me through the second hardest time in my life. Soulm8 – I know I’m young but I can’t help thinking that it’s taken this long for me to fall in love and if it takes the same amount of time again I’ll never be able to have the family life I want. I never really thought of myself as a family kind of girl but being in love with my ex I started to see a future where I was a wife and a mother and I realised that is what I want. And now those dreams have been dashed I’m freaking out that it’ll never happen to me! I know it’s silly to think like that but it just seems like I can’t seem to hold onto a bloke long enough to have a 1 year anniversary let alone a family. I like your letter idea. I think I’ll give that a go. I’ve taken to writing a diary and I find that to be quite cathartic so I’ll put it in there so I can look back at it. What sort of guy do I want? I want a gentleman, tall, dark, handsome, kind, genuine, honest, considerate, faithful, slightly geeky, funny, clever, witty, loving, affectionate, family orientated, modest, loyal. I know what I want in a guy but I’ve never found anyone with all these qualities. My ex was the closest I’ve ever come but I can see now he was too self-centred and shallow to completely be the nice guy I am looking for. I’ve no idea where my dream guy would hang out. Does this guy even exist? Blondie1981 – I never used to be afraid of being alone. I actually enjoy my own company, which is probably why I don’t have many friends now, but I don’t want to be alone forever. I used to be very confident in who I was and where I was going with my life but then I started to plan for a future with my ex and now that’s been pulled out from underneath me I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. Confidence is shot to hell. LittleMissWonder – thank you so much for your kind words. I hope this self doubt and feeling low is just a consequence of still being heartbroken and not how I am going to be long term. I’ve not been hurt like this before and I don’t really know what’s on the road ahead. I do hope it gets better!
LittleMissWonder Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 There is no room to "hope" it gets better. You must take the reigns of your life and your emotions and MAKE it get better. It's all in the mind. Believe in yourself and always hold on to a burning drive to get up again every time you fall. Bad **** always will happen in life. If you learn how to use them to become a stronger person each time, you will never fail. Otherwise, you will get swallowed by your trials and tribulations and grow bitter. Don't let that happen. You've got it, girl!
Romance Posted April 29, 2010 Posted April 29, 2010 I hope you can find someone to go out to clubs and bars with. maybe join a group at school, extra curricular activities are a great way to meet someone or at the gym
Author starwolf242 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Posted April 29, 2010 You're all so right. I've just gotta pick myself up, dust of the dirt and keep going. I'm feeling loads better now. Still have down days but thoughts of him and missing him is sporadic now. Just gotta get rid of the self consciousness caused by him. And like Romance said start putting myself out there. After all no-one will be able to see what i have to offer if I just sit in my room all day! So I'm making myself a promise here and now. Tomorrow, I declutter my life, chuck out anything that isn't helping me be the best I can be (specifically that chocolate cake!) and get my ass in gear. I won't let one stupid selfish boy defeat me. I'm made of stronger stuff than that! You're all so amazing to be offering words of encouragement and advice. Thank you )
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