spiderowl Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I think I'm in a bit of a mess here and need someone to give me an outside view. I've been seeing this really lovely guy. He's kind, thoughtful, romantic, caring and we've got tons in common. He's all I'm looking for in many ways, but I'm not sure I'm as attracted to him in other respects as I need to be. We haven't really clicked physically. I want to feel madly attracted to him as I think he's so right for me in many ways, but he realises I'm not as enthusiastic as he is. He's making a big effort so I feel a bit guilty. That was my situation until a couple of weeks ago when I met this other guy through work. I don't work for him but we did work together on a short project. We were working most of the time and barely had time to chat, but when we did he asked a few questions about me and my life and mentioned that he lived alone. He told me a lot about himself really. Other things he said pretty much implied he'd like to get to know me. He's a very interesting man and has achieved a great deal in life. He must have lots of options so I'm flattered that he's showing an interest. This has all thrown me into a confused state. I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to give up on the really nice guy who has made such an effort to get to know me. It's not a question of which guy do I go for because neither might be right for me or even an option. I think the other guy may be interested but I can't be sure. We probably wouldn't be compatible, but how can I be sure without getting to know him properly? He seems a nice guy too, a real gentleman. He's a high-achiever and clearly has a dynamic, go-getter side that I'm not used to. This may be too much for me as I'm a quiet, gentle sort of person. I've done the 'being swept of my feet and getting hurt' thing before so I'm determined that however powerful this guy is, he's not going to take over my life. There's no suggestion that he would but he's clearly someone who's used to getting what he wants. A good sign is that he seems to have loyal, long-standing friends. Honestly, what do I do? I can't bear the thought of disappointing the guy I've been seeing and I'd be fool to lose him, but I'm confused now. I know this other guy has been on my mind since I met him. He may just be being friendly though so who knows? We will have some more contact over the next few weeks and I may end up working with him again, but there are no guarantees. Do I just go with my feelings on this? I wish I knew for sure what they were.
Author spiderowl Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 I'm wondering why there are no answers? I could really use some help here. Thanks in advance.
D-Lish Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Unfortunately, you can't choose who you have chemistry with. Maybe this other guy is also someone that is a nice guy that might be willing to make an effort with you as well. You can have it all- both the attraction and nice treatment.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 God you women are so fickle... Meet a good man, but oh i dont have any sexual compatibility. im not head over heels in love with him, LISTEN UP that does not always make a healthy and long lasting relationship. I could tell you how to achieve that in love feeling, but that would be a waste of my time, you must come to that conclusion on your own. If anything, stop seeing the nice guy and see the new dude at work, let's see how long that last?
Author spiderowl Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 Thanks for the replies. Honestly, I know he's a good guy, I really do, but whereas it all started out as an adventure with a terrific guy, I'm feeling I don't want to kiss him and this feeling seems to be getting stronger. I can't help the way I feel, even though I know that he fits the bill in other respects. I have tried to see if the feeling of attraction grows but it hasn't. This seems very unfair on both of us.
D-Lish Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 As I already said, you can't force something to be there that isn't there. You shouldn't beat yourself up over that. If you can't even see yourself kissing him, imagine spending the rest of your life with him. The fact that he is a great guy with a lot to offer doesn't mean you have to stay with him. You may in fact be doing a disservice to him by staying with him. When I meet someone the first thing I think about is "Can I picture myself kissing him?" If I can't picture that, I don't normally wait it out hoping I will change my mind or "grow" into the feeling.
Yamaha Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 You probably aren't getting alot of replies b/c your story has been said many times before and it always has the same result. My advice is to let the guy go if you aren't feeling physical chemistry. No one wants to b with someone who doesn't feel attraction for them. You might both b disappointed but better that than getting angry and ending things hurtful and ugly.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 All those qualities in that man you listed, if you dont want them, they'll be someone else who will... Believe me on that, so just tell him, your not attracted to him and walk away, wish him the best and when he does find someone dont get mad.
D-Lish Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 All those qualities in that man you listed, if you dont want them, they'll be someone else who will... Believe me on that, so just tell him, your not attracted to him and walk away, wish him the best and when he does find someone dont get mad. I agree with you whole-heartedly. But it really isn't her fault she doesn't return the affection.
Peaceful Guy Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I think I'm in a bit of a mess here and need someone to give me an outside view. I've been seeing this really lovely guy. He's kind, thoughtful, romantic, caring and we've got tons in common. He's all I'm looking for in many ways, but I'm not sure I'm as attracted to him in other respects as I need to be. We haven't really clicked physically. I want to feel madly attracted to him as I think he's so right for me in many ways, but he realises I'm not as enthusiastic as he is. He's making a big effort so I feel a bit guilty. be a friend to him.. you're not doing him any favors by keeping him around romantically.. he might not be so %100 on you as you think he might just really enjoy being good to people he's dating.. let him go, let him find someone that can enjoy the sweetness but still wants to "jump his bones" (ewwwwww..) That was my situation until a couple of weeks ago when I met this other guy through work. I don't work for him but we did work together on a short project. We were working most of the time and barely had time to chat, but when we did he asked a few questions about me and my life and mentioned that he lived alone. He told me a lot about himself really. Other things he said pretty much implied he'd like to get to know me. He's a very interesting man and has achieved a great deal in life. He must have lots of options so I'm flattered that he's showing an interest. wow, he sounds really, really, really, impressive! i wish i could sit down with him so he could tell me about himself and i could stare into his BIG DREAMY EYES!! droooolllll.. :laugh: sounds like a big cloudy soft lense fantasy though.. im joking around, im sure he's actually pretty cool.. try to get some closure on the current situation so that you could potentially enjoy a new one if that's one happens. Honestly, what do I do? I can't bear the thought of disappointing the guy I've been seeing and I'd be fool to lose him, but I'm confused now. you're moving into the realm of pity for the current guy, which is ****ed, because it has nothing to do with him.. he's by all accounts being cool.. if you keep seeing him you're gonna start to resent him for something he's not.. he's not pitiful because you're not super attracted to him! who wants to be a good, logical, decision.. an A to B gets me where im going white station wagon that makes sense because of this this and this.. when you could be someone else's lamborghini.. Do I just go with my feelings on this? I wish I knew for sure what they were. it sounds like the guy you're currently involved with would make a totally awesome friend.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 it sounds like the guy you're currently involved with would make a totally awesome friend. This is something a guy who's attracted to a woman, never, EVER wants to hear!!!! No man wants to be put in the friendzone especially if he's feeling her. F all that crap. When will you women ever learn? Your wasting this guys time.
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Meet a good man, but oh i dont have any sexual compatibility. im not head over heels in love with him, So, she should stay with him because???? Are you saying that a guy can dump a girl if he doesn't feel the chemistry but likes everything else about her? Should HE stay in the relationship, continue dating knowing deep down that there's no sexual attraction? What makes this different? Seems she's just dating this guy, he isn't her boyfriend. Your wasting this guys time. How is she wasting his time if she breaks up with him? I do agree though, the friendship thing. Don't say that, at all. It sucks to be told "I like you, but as a friend.."
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 So, she should stay with him because???? Are you saying that a guy can dump a girl if he doesn't feel the chemistry but likes everything else about her? Should HE stay in the relationship, continue dating knowing deep down that there's no sexual attraction? What makes this different? Seems she's just dating this guy, he isn't her boyfriend. How is she wasting his time if she breaks up with him? I do agree though, the friendship thing. Don't say that, at all. It sucks to be told "I like you, but as a friend.." But how long does it take for her to make a concrete decision about what she's doing!? WTF, if she knows she's not feeling him, she IS wasting his time. It works both ways, I would prefer if a girl was up front with hers, instead of using a dude for free meals and a good time and when dude tends to open up to her, Oh I just love you like a friend? WTF GTFO here!
jenifer1972 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I think if you were going to develop chemistry with guy #1, you would have felt it by now. We all have feelings that are not conscious to us, that are a very complicated mix of everything we have experienced and who we know growing up that determines whom we are 'attracted to'. A person can be an Adonis or Aphrodite, and there will be women/men who say, "Eh, just does nothing for me." Just is what it is, don't feel bad, but don't string guy #1 along any longer.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 ...I'm feeling I don't want to kiss him and this feeling seems to be getting stronger. Don't waste any more of your time or his. No matter what happens with Super Guy at the office, it's a lost cause with Don't Want To Kiss Him Guy.
Author spiderowl Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 Thanks for your replies. I'm not deliberately wasting his time, I was hoping attraction would grow because he's perfect in other ways. I wish it would but it's not doing. Guys complain because you don't give them a chance and when you do you end up in this situation. He matters to me and I don't want him hurt, but I'm seeing I can't avoid it. What can I say?
Peaceful Guy Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 .. Don't say that, at all. It sucks to be told "I like you, but as a friend.." no, don't SAY that.. but realistically, when people treat each other well in relationships that's what happens after some time has past.. they stay friends! that's what i meant.
Peaceful Guy Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Thanks for your replies. I'm not deliberately wasting his time,.. we know.. ..I was hoping attraction would grow because he's perfect in other ways... totally understandable! ..Guys complain because you don't give them a chance and when you do you end up in this situation.. don't do that.. this guy would never complain about that! (me, i mean!).. ..He matters to me and I don't want him hurt, but I'm seeing I can't avoid it... its up to you to make healthy decisions for yourself, which ultimately is also treating other people around you well because its honest and even if someone gets sad, which is genuine, they can quickly move on with a feeling of peace because you were real with them and it really wasn't about them but about you.. which you don't SAY but they'll know, even if it takes a while. ..He matters to me and I don't want him hurt, but I'm seeing I can't avoid it. What can I say? what you're doing without realizing it is putting yourself above this guy. i KNOW kNOW KNOW you're not a bad person and youre not trying to be hurtful but.. you're doing something that's not so cool and could hurt him.. you're framing him as a weeper.. a poor pitiful soul that loves sooooo much but just doesn't have it! the truth is, he may very well be in a better place than you, which is why he's able to spend time being thoughtful and considerate and caring in the relationship.. sure, he'll be dissappointed when its over, he was having fun! but i sincerely doubt he'll be standing outside your window in the rain crying with a boombox in one hand and a bottle of jack in the other.. "DAAAAyyynnnnAA, DDDDAAAAAYYHhnnnNAAAAAA.." :laugh: okay SORRY! what you're afraid of is the breakup.. the "how do i say this.." well, just start talking.. and listening. once you've decided that you ready to date other people, or no one at all, its over.. even if he doesn't know it yet.. im not saying it will be fun but the more honest and direct you are now (while still being considerate of course!) the more good karma points you get down the road.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 What can I say? Tell him you don't see long-term potential for the two of you, then end it. If you want to give more information, you can tell him you don't feel much chemistry with him, and you've been hoping it would grow, but it hasn't. Then I suggest going No Contact for a while (at least a month). Otherwise, he will probably try to win you back, and you will feel bad and confused. The emotion of a break can translate as chemistry temporarily, but it will fade. Maybe you can be friends with him later on, maybe not. But the most honest and caring thing you can do for him is to let him go. You'll both be better off with someone who really lights your fire.
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