DustySaltus Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I made dinner for me and my gf. I prepared everything, we sat down and ate, I put my plate in the sink then I sat down on the couch to watch basketball. I got a look like, "what are you doing, you're just going to sit there and not help"? I said, I cook you clean. Apparently, I hit a nerve because she thought I said it just because she's a woman she's supposed to clean. I told her that she wasn't the one peeling potatos and chopping onions for a half hour.... I mean what's fair is fair right?
melodymatters Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Is this the first time this situation has come up ? I mean while I think it's fair and is usually how my households run, they phrasing is a little harsh : " I cook, you clean" Nobody likes a gift to turn into an expectation/trap. Hopefully you cooked because you enjoy it, and hopefully she will want to return the favor by cleaning up. Making it an obligation, and a bit rudely stated, takes away the team spirit, doing something nice for each other vibe.....
CarrieT Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 What is fair is talking nicely about these things and making sure that the division of chores is clearly defined ahead of time. That way it is not an issue like this after the fact.
Author DustySaltus Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Is this the first time this situation has come up ? I mean while I think it's fair and is usually how my households run, they phrasing is a little harsh : " I cook, you clean" Nobody likes a gift to turn into an expectation/trap. Hopefully you cooked because you enjoy it, and hopefully she will want to return the favor by cleaning up. Making it an obligation, and a bit rudely stated, takes away the team spirit, doing something nice for each other vibe..... It's the first time it has come up but it has happened a few times. I do enjoy cooking and I will clean if I have to. But in the past I had to do everything which isn't kosher. There was a little more dialogue than "I cook you clean" but the essentially what I said.
Author DustySaltus Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 What is fair is talking nicely about these things and making sure that the division of chores is clearly defined ahead of time. That way it is not an issue like this after the fact. Well, going forward this is what's going to happen.
Lakeside_runner Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I hope it's not the case but... If I were in her shoes I'd be soo p**d off! Really peeling potatoes and chopping onions is such a big deal that after doing that you automatically plant your a** in front of a TV and without a word assume she's going to wash up? If these are your exact words: "I cook, you clean" - this would trigger an "What an a***le!" emotion... Why can't people just talk to each other and treat each other with the same respect they expect to be treated with!
donnamaybe Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I hope it's not the case but... If I were in her shoes I'd be soo p**d off! Really peeling potatoes and chopping onions is such a big deal that after doing that you automatically plant your a** in front of a TV and without a word assume she's going to wash up? If these are your exact words: "I cook, you clean" - this would trigger an "What an a***le!" emotion... Why can't people just talk to each other and treat each other with the same respect they expect to be treated with! That's how I would feel too. Not that I would mind helping clean up, but it's the attitude toward the whole thing. Maybe next time she can come early and help you chop veggies, then you can BOTH clean up. More time together. Win/win.
Author DustySaltus Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 I hope it's not the case but... If I were in her shoes I'd be soo p**d off! Really peeling potatoes and chopping onions is such a big deal that after doing that you automatically plant your a** in front of a TV and without a word assume she's going to wash up? If these are your exact words: "I cook, you clean" - this would trigger an "What an a***le!" emotion... Why can't people just talk to each other and treat each other with the same respect they expect to be treated with! As I said above there was a little more dialogue than that. This has happened before where I do EVERYTHING. I'm not going to get into a routine with her where I am expected to do everything. She has a little bit of a princess complex sometimes, it needs to be addressed. I was tired and I wanted to watch TV for a little bit...shoot me.
Lakeside_runner Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Maybe next time she can come early and help you chop veggies, then you can BOTH clean up. More time together. Win/win. Good idea! I like this one. It's really nice to cook together, gives an amazing opportunity to talk about anything - even if it's a simple 'Tell me how your day was...'.
SomewhatExperienced Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I agree this that a I cook you clean system is fair, but you chose your words poorly, especially since it sounds like you did it in a way that you ASSUMED she should clean. I agree with you, but sounds like how you responded was poorly thought out. Maybe your response should have been "Oh, I figured that if I cooked dinner than I shouldn't have to clean up. Sorry honey, pass me a towel and I'll dry the dishes," and hoped that her response would be "Oh you're right. You relax and watch basketball. I'll clean up. Do you want a beer?"
123BeachFan Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Division of labor is fine, only if all parties agree to their division beforehand. BTW, cooking is MUCH more enjoyable to cleaning, especially if the chef had a tendency to use every utensil in the house.
CLC2008 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 As I said above there was a little more dialogue than that. This has happened before where I do EVERYTHING. I'm not going to get into a routine with her where I am expected to do everything. She has a little bit of a princess complex sometimes, it needs to be addressed. I was tired and I wanted to watch TV for a little bit...shoot me. That's the problem right there. Cut back on doing "EVERYTHING". Because then you will start to feel resentful towards her. For instance, you don't have to hand peel potatoes, cut back on little things like that, that take a lot of time and effort. Otherwise you will burn yourself out. Don't make it about a power struggle, but instead try to invent ideas to work around it.
make me believe Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Do you two live together? If so, you should have a talk about division of chores. If not, it was totally out of line for you to invite her over for dinner and expect her to do the dishwashing afterwards! This is one of those issues that needs to be discussed as soon as it arises, otherwise it just gets blown out of proportion and causes resentment & anger for NO reason. But it needs to be discussed calmly and nicely, and you can't "keep score" all the time. Constantly keeping score & thinking "well I took out the trash on Wednesday, it's HER turn now!" is really unhealthy.
threebyfate Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Dusty, I'm 100% with you on this one. Where was she when you were cooking?
always_searching Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I say whoever does the cooking should do the cleaning. Personally, I'd rather go work for X number of hours a day and have my husband take care of the house/kids. I hate staying at home, and, though I am a good cook, I don't like to do it often. When I cook, I also clean. However, like others have said: talk with her about your expectations ahead of time. Unless she asked you to cook, you shouldn't have expected her to clean...
make me believe Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Unless she asked you to cook, you shouldn't have expected her to clean... That's a good point! He can't just decide that he's going to cook & she's going to clean. IMO cooking is much more enjoyable than cleaning, and I would be really annoyed if my bf suddenly made that decision for the both of us.
TaraMaiden Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 You need a dishwasher. Oooooooh!! That would be such a luxury! We live in rented accommodation, and our kitchen was planned and designed by somebody who patently obviously never boiled himself so much as a cup of tea! It's completely impractical, and no dishwasher! I have just been away from home for a few days visiting my daughter in France (she's just had a baby) and on the route home, I spoke to my partner who told me to "not look at the house, it was a complete hell-hole of a dump"... However, by the time I got home, he had decided that discretion would be the better part of valour and he had actually cleaned up. In the recycling bin were 19 empty cans of coke, and the draining board by the sink, had every plate, bowl, piece of cutlery and pan we ever owned. he went through the entire range of all kitchen utensils and crockery. Until he ran out. Of everything! His greeting words to me, as he hugged me, were: "Darling, next time, we rent where there's a dishwasher!"
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