Getting my wife to leave

[Marko]

I want my wife to leave me.

We have been married for 9 years now. She is 42 I am 53.

This is my second marriage and her first.

We have a 8 yo son and a 4 yo daughter.

She is from the Philippines and I am Canadian/Australian.

I have 4 grown children living in Australia from first marriage

We live in Qatar, so one of us leaving means repatriating.

 

I have a good job here and can get by pretty well so long as I am working. In 2005 while I was on holiday in Australia, she contracted to by an apartment in Manila. I ended up paying for that for her. But at 60,000 USD I considered it not that big a deal. If I can get her to leave me then she can occupy that home.

 

The problem with her going back to the Philippines is that pay is very low there, but I am willing to pay child support and make sure the children have all the advantages that I can afford.

 

Here is why I want her to leave.

 

She goes on benders periodically which start out with her talking a lot and end with her not talking to me for several days.

 

The latest bender was one week ago. She had taken the kids to church (I am an atheist) when she got home I was tired and I resisted when she wanted me to take her out to a party with some of her work mates (she is a nurse) that evening as well as taking her out for lunch. I accept that as with every argument that we have, it is always my fault but it seems she really is getting very unhappy in the relationship. I mean she actually said she hates me and wants a divorce (I thought this is an interesting thing for a person who just came from church to say and I commented in that manner and here we are.. One week has passed and not a word since.

 

I have to say there is a when she said she wanted a divorce in my mind I am thinking 'don't let the door hit you on the head on the way out'.

 

Now I love my kids, but so does she and I know that her family does too and they would be cared for. And of course I would support them.

 

I have started to conclude that I am just too selfish a person to be married. You see the reason she went to church alone is not just because I am not a believer, that hasn't stopped me going in the past. The problem is me and my motorbikes. I have 6 of them and I was out riding in the desert that morning with plans to go out the next morning as I had both weekend days the weekend before.

 

We normally go out for lunch though when I get back.

Now I know my wife is under a lot of stress (12 hour shifts and she has to study) and I don't mind trying to work things out but really. The weeks at a time silent treatment, the great sighs, the leaving the room when I come in etc all get rather tedious after a while. She has been like this since we came to Qatar 3 years ago. Things will be OK, I buy her a designed purse and she if happy for a few months then snap, she is off again.

 

No girlfriends on my side (believe me, I have no desire hop out of the fry pan into the fire). I don't think she does either and frankly I don't care, So I guess it is true when she tells me that I don't love her etc etc.

 

Interested in any comments even if it is only to tell me I am a so and so..

[You Go Girl]

Honestly, what I gather from your post is that you're just not very serious about marriage, nor raising your kids. Otherwise, you'd want to fight for this marriage to survive.

Who's to blame for what isn't something I'm going to disect, can't do it anyway from this standpoint, and it's not really THE QUESTION.

So not working on how to quit the silent treatment, that's all up to you.

 

The question is--why aren't you more concerned about holding the family unit together? Worn out after the first marriage, and now it's just...well whatever? Divorced once before, can do it again easily?

Only you know yourself, not us here...if your priorities are your bikes instead of raising your kids, then I guess that answers the question.

I'm not judging-- what is, is.

[Marko]

Honestly, what I gather from your post is that you're just not very serious about marriage, nor raising your kids. Otherwise, you'd want to fight for this marriage to survive.

Who's to blame for what isn't something I'm going to disect, can't do it anyway from this standpoint, and it's not really THE QUESTION.

So not working on how to quit the silent treatment, that's all up to you.

 

The question is--why aren't you more concerned about holding the family unit together? Worn out after the first marriage, and now it's just...well whatever? Divorced once before, can do it again easily?

Only you know yourself, not us here...if your priorities are your bikes instead of raising your kids, then I guess that answers the question.

I'm not judging-- what is, is.

 

Thanks, I appreciate the comment.

Yeah I have been divorced before and I can do it again.

Being divorced is not fun but this whole passive aggressive bs well I just don't need it.

 

Why don't I want to fight for this marriage? Well I guess I don't trust her. I fully expect that once she has no further use for me to be involved in raising the kids (once I retire and have no major money coming in) she is going to kick me to the curb. As a foreigner if I went to the Philippines I would have very few rights and certainly no chance of a fair divorce settlement there, so I am thinking if she is going to toss me out, it best if that happens while I am still working and have some economic ability..

 

I am not looking for a divorce per se. We could stay married for the rest of our natural lives I got no problem with that. But I want her out of my house. Funny enough, the reality for many Filippino families is that one or other parent lives in a foreign country. That is what I am thinking..

Edited April 23, 2010 by Marko

[Owl]

I don't understand what you're asking for?

 

You don't need to do ANYTHING but file, right? File, tell her you're staying where you're at, and she's free to do whatever she decides to with her life.

 

What's your confusion? You don't need to make her leave...you just file for divorce, tell her you're not leaving...and let her deal with her half of the divorce from there.

[Marko]

I don't understand what you're asking for?

 

You don't need to do ANYTHING but file, right? File, tell her you're staying where you're at, and she's free to do whatever she decides to with her life.

 

What's your confusion? You don't need to make her leave...you just file for divorce, tell her you're not leaving...and let her deal with her half of the divorce from there.

 

Really? Just like that?

That is not consistent with my previous experience. In Australian Law you have to be separated for one year before a court will consider a divorce petition.

 

But you know what? I guess I will have to go and talk to a lawyer. The problem is, we were married in Dubai and live in Qatar so I am not sure how the legal stuff is going to work here with Arab law etc. That is why the immediate thing is to just get her to leave.

[Owl]

To me...the best way to get her to leave would be to file for divorce.

 

Granted, the divorce might not be final for a while, depending on the laws of the area you live in...but it sure seems to me that nothing says "get out" like being served divorce papers.

 

Why does she have to be moved out BEFORE you file paperwork seeking a divorce?

[Marko]

To me...the best way to get her to leave would be to file for divorce.

 

Granted, the divorce might not be final for a while, depending on the laws of the area you live in...but it sure seems to me that nothing says "get out" like being served divorce papers.

 

Why does she have to be moved out BEFORE you file paperwork seeking a divorce?

 

Thanks Owl,

 

As a non-resident alien in regards to the USA I do not have access to American courts in matters of family law.

 

But here is a quote from the New South Wales Family Law website:

 

You can NOT apply to the Court for a divorce (decree of

dissolution of marriage) unless you have been separated

for at least 12 months before the application is filed.

[Green]

talk to a lawyer and they will probably file for divorce. Find a good lawyer who can talk all the options over with you.

 

You've lost all love for your wife and that is sad. If you think there is a way to bring it back i would sugest that.

[LisaUk]

My take, honestly?

 

First the house is not YOURS it's your family home and your wife is not some piece of dirt you can just ship off back to another country because you have had enough of her and want to dispose of her like rubbish, along with your children.

 

Second, why is your wife mad? Well lets see, she works 12 hour shifts, studies and raises the kids whilst you go out every weekend and ride your motorbikes. How would you feel if it was the other way round? Would you be mad, would you be doing the silent treatment b/c you want her to TAKE YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS SERIOUSLY?

 

Yeah, that was judgemental and maybe I have it all wrong, but that is how you and your post comes across?

[hopesndreams]

My take, honestly?

 

First the house is not YOURS it's your family home and your wife is not some piece of dirt you can just ship off back to another country because you have had enough of her and want to dispose of her like rubbish, along with your children.

 

Second, why is your wife mad? Well lets see, she works 12 hour shifts, studies and raises the kids whilst you go out every weekend and ride your motorbikes. How would you feel if it was the other way round? Would you be mad, would you be doing the silent treatment b/c you want her to TAKE YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS SERIOUSLY?

 

Yeah, that was judgemental and maybe I have it all wrong, but that is how you and your post comes across?

 

Yeah, that's pretty much how it comes across. You nailed it.

 

To OP's credit, he admitted to being selfish and hasn't been seeking out another woman to replace the W.

 

Can this M be saved? Absolutely. But, there are those that give up, bail out, run, hide and say to h*ll with it, it's too much trouble for em.

[Marko]

Yeah, that's pretty much how it comes across. You nailed it.

 

To OP's credit, he admitted to being selfish and hasn't been seeking out another woman to replace the W.

 

Can this M be saved? Absolutely. But, there are those that give up, bail out, run, hide and say to h*ll with it, it's too much trouble for em.

 

You really don't know my situation.

You are right the house we live in is not mine.

We live in Doha Qatar,. this is near Saudi Arabia, it is not possible for me to own a house here. The house is a perk which if part of my work compensation package. As long as I work here it is available to me regardless of my marital status and independent of that. But it is not possible for example that I would leave and my wife stay in it. Her Visa is dependant upon my sponsorship (unless she finds an employer willing to sponsor her), if the relationship dissolves she could no longer be in the country., Sorry I did not explain that.

 

Also about my wife taking care of the kids working studying etc. We have a housemaid who cleans the house and baby sits the kids when my wife and I are working. I also am involved and make family breakfasts every morning make school lunches for the children and spend most evenings alone with them if my wife is working.

 

You are correct I have no interest in another woman. Not looking and not interested. One thing I got out of my first divorce, after a year or so of quite hard adjustment to being alone was an ability to enjoy my own company. That is I know the kinds of activities I enjoy and I do them for the most part alone. I am OK with myself. I am happy inspite of whatever interpersonal issues arise. I am independent emotionally I guess I would say. I love being in the desert alone and have been doing that for the last 10 years.

 

Funny, my wife broke the cone of silence this morning and is talking to me again as if nothing happened. It turns out, my chipping at her was the straw that broke the camel's back while the majority of the stress was the situation she is in at work. (This can only be described as gross exploitation) labor practices here in the gulf are quite different to those in the US etc and the local approach to labor is one of patronising authoritarian control, exploitation bordering on slavery actually. Now in my case I am not subject to anything like this as I am employed by a Canadian business and they have to employ Canadian standard..

 

Anyway long story short. She needs a license to practice here, and she needs to practice to stay current. (Her Philippine license and the State of Vermont RN license she has is not good enough for them it seems) the only way to get a license is to work at a hospital for 6 months (under evaluation), well one year later they put her back to square one major jerking around by them). It would be illegal in a country with rule of law. She needs to get the license and practice to keep her skills current, very important in this field.

 

I have compassion for my wife. I have done all I can to help her in this. I have done all the run around leg work and paper work with government departments so far to help her obtain her license. I do love her but I guess for me the months of bad attitude and the silent treatment etc are a bit of a drag. But that is not the deal breaker in itself. If someone says 'I hate you' and 'I need a divorce', even if they are stressed and angry, well there must be something going on in the head to bring that to the conversation. My consideration of separation is not because I want to kick her to the curb like a piece of dirt, but more of a pre-emptive defensive strike I suppose you could say. If she has the intention to divorce me then at least I should allow myself some say as to the time and place? no?

 

To me, passive aggressive and silent treatment it is just unacceptable behavior. You may disagree. Like said by some, everyone is entitled to their own opinions just not to their own facts.

 

BTW no riding in the desert this weekend. When home is not on an even keel how can I go and leave the house.

 

And yes I did mention I recognise I am somewhat selfish, I did not come on here asking for moral support or a value judgement that what I am doing is right or wrong. However come to think of it, I do take all your points as something to consider. We all can learn from each other.

 

Back to original question. How to get her to leave? I am not looking for divorce just some space and and end to passive aggressive assaults. Ironically, the situation that seems to have caused the problem may hold the answer to this too. Now that we are talking again, I am suggesting that she go back to the Philippines and apply for work directly from there. (Foreign recruiting firms generally do their own due diligence and have a more streamlined method of licensure.)

[shadowofman]

Did you really refer to your wife talking a lot as a "bender"? Haha.

[Marko]

Did you really refer to your wife talking a lot as a "bender"? Haha.

 

LOL okay you got me there but hey you haven't heard her when she gets going. It is truly torture listening to it.. Gitmo stuff I swear. worse than waterboarding..

 

'Can somebody please make it stop'.......

[dreamingoftigers]

It actually doesn't sound like you are done, it sounds like you are ambivalent and trying to go on the offensive (by asking her to leave instead of letting her do the "I hate you and want a divorce" track herself.

 

I had the same problem she has the "talking bender" where she guilts, shames and rages at you. Something tells me that you both suffer from a lot of shame, and you both underfunction on an intimate level. That's sad.

 

Before you hit the give up and go perhaps read a couple of things. Like Healing the Shame that Binds You and Getting the Love you Deserve.

 

I just think that divorcing her and sending your children back to the Philippines would be very unfortunate for them. Whether or not you care for your wife anymore, you should try to do the best by your children, including maintaining a bond with them, regardless of what other Filippino families do.

 

My parents have hired many foreign workers from the Philippines and there are some very dysfunctional attitudes I have noticed present with EVERY SINGLE ONE. (Including my father's mistress LOL) (This is not to say Filippino folk are dysfunctional inherently at all). One guy has eight children by eight different women (!) The reason I mention this is that it seems that many of them are raised in fractured and dysfunctional families which cause a great deal of distress for a child and causes odd behaviours later in life they just get passed on to the next generation.

 

This stuff happens over here too. I think about 50/50, but among the foreign workers I have met the percentage seems much higher. I would urge you not to just send your children back to the Philippines where you will have no bond with them, or maybe only the occasional visit.

[dreamingoftigers]

How do you get her to leave, ask her. Duh.

 

Were you hoping to get to to be fed up with you? It sounds like she already is.

[Malandro]

 

Now I love my kids, but so does she and I know that her family does too and they would be cared for. And of course I would support them.

 

I have a feeling you and I are in similar lines of work. And as a man who's worked in many different countries, naturally I've seen this situation a number of times, and it's always shook me. I just can't imagine myself ever being able to live with only seeing my kids once or twice a year, if that. I've heard and seen so many variations of it as well as the justifications. I remember one co-worker remarking, "I just bought my teenaged daughter a car for college and she barely thanked me." But by his own admission, he'd only seen her sporadically since she was a toddler. So yes, while she was supported monetarily, she was never supported by a loving, caring, and protective father who was always there for her. But he either didn't get that, or he'd choose to don a set of blinders to hide the bitter repercussions of the choices he'd made.

 

I'll confess I have no solutions for you, nor do I know how to make your wife do as you want. So in actuality, I can't offer the sort of advice you came here looking for. But I can only offer a word of caution. Consider long and hard rather a relationship with your kids has any meaning to you. Because the decision you make now will set the stage for the rest of your life. Just make sure you're cool dancing to that tune. Because one day you may come to realize what once sounded so good, has become a bit off key.

Edited April 24, 2010 by Malandro

[You Go Girl]

An American father should never put his children in a position in which they have a standard of living that will be substandard to his own, or to his own childhood. Period.

You don't sound committed, easy and as simple as that.

 

I suggest you get your wife back to the states if she prefers to live there. Then at least you can give monetary support to your children, and they will grow up with a standard of living that is decent.

To not want the same standard of living for your children as you have had yourself, is shameful. I hope you feel it, even at the thought of doing this.

 

If your wife prefers to live in the Phillipines over the US, then that's a different story, and you should help her to adjust successfully.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think the OP is Australian but yes good point.

[dreamingoftigers]

BTW saying that you are "too selfish" for marriage is just giving yourself permission to act however you want. Find a way to make your needs known (her behaviour to stop) and then set a boundary. Explain it is something you cannot tolerate (the emotional abuse, because that is what it is) and that if it continues you will leave the marriage. Give your spouse a chance to make her needs known too.

 

Act like an adult not a self-entitled Junior High Student.

[Marko]

My wife would love to live in the USA and I would be very happy for her to do that. Actually that is the whole point of the nursing thing. Actually I have a house in San Antonio that I have told her she could live in but the problem is she needs to get there legally first.. and... since I am not a US citizen that is out of my control.

 

I have offered to send her to Australia under partner migration but she seems not to be interested. I took her there a couple of times but she is not a fan of Australia, which of course saddens me because I love Australia. Our kids have Australian citizenship. When it comes time for University they will be going to an Australian University so they are unlikely to suffer a lifelong third world lifestyle regardless if they spent a few years in the best private international schools in Manila, cos that is what we are talking about here, not exactly a life of abject 3rd world poverty. But a dollar goes a long way in Manila so if you have a reasonable income as I do, a pretty nice standard can be supported..

 

I take with humility all your comments. It is true the most important thing here is to take care of the kids. In fact, for the next 15 years this is the most important thing for both my wife and I. We both know this. I am committed to my children.

 

Perhaps you missed the main point. She informed me that "she hates me" and that she " needs a divorce".

 

So I guess the point that is coming across is that I should disregard this and consider it as some kind of bluster in the heat of the moment. Perhaps it is. I suppose what I really should do is tough it out until the kids are grown and then take my medicine then.

 

I will say that the wife and I are not fantastic in the art of communication as you might have guessed from the fact that we have common week-long incidents of zero verbal communication. When there is communication it is not completely noise free. I am thinking about the shame thing. But I don't really feel ashamed about anything. I don't think she does either. I certainly don't run a guilt trip on her. She has said things to me like how shameful it is that she can't talk to me on my cell sometime (I leave it at my desk when I go to meeting with folks as a professional courtesy) but she takes issue with that.

 

I have been very involved with the children. We have both supported the relationship that the kids have with the other spouse. I feed and bath the kids etc and take them out a lot so it is not like I am a deadbeat etc,

 

I guess this boils down to a communication problem. I accept that men and women communicate differently (Yes read men from mars women from venus etc) but a week of silence and "I hate you" "I need a divorce" are also forms of communication that are kind of hard to ignore.

 

OK I am a bit cooler head now than when first posted, in my Junior High entitled mode lol.. Not going to be too rash.

 

some more thinking to do here..

Edited April 24, 2010 by Marko

[You Go Girl]

Your last post sounds better--and yes, there's a possibility that your wife yells she hates you and wants a divorce because she is just plain upset and doesn't have better conflict resolution skills.

If your wife didn't care for you and wanted a divorce, she would never say she hated you. She'd simply be indifferent to you.

 

I am glad your children will be properly taken care of and that that part of the story is cleared up.

 

It's good to step back and think about the part of marriage that is WORK.

[Marko]

Your last post sounds better--and yes, there's a possibility that your wife yells she hates you and wants a divorce because she is just plain upset and doesn't have better conflict resolution skills.

If your wife didn't care for you and wanted a divorce, she would never say she hated you. She'd simply be indifferent to you.

 

I am glad your children will be properly taken care of and that that part of the story is cleared up.

 

It's good to step back and think about the part of marriage that is WORK.

Why thank you..

Yeah asking the wife to leave is on hold now.. at least until the next bender .. Well we will see what we can do about that.. A little more patience a little more care a little more communication etc..

[unsureLP]

I think I know what you mean with the benders... I've been going through a roller coaster with my H because of his stress (and some depression) related to work, being in a foreign country (he's East Asian - don't want to be more specific here), new fatherhood, etc, etc. It's tough.

 

Sometimes things get better, then all of a sudden he flips the switch again and goes nuts on me - yelling, threatening to leave, saying bad stuff about our daughter, a few times throwing things around and/or punching stuff including his own face... Then comes the silent treatment or moping and sulking for a while.

 

So I know what you mean when you say that asking her to leave is on hold until the next bender. For me it's similar - I try my hardest to find the patience, look at the good things, focus on myself and my daughter, until things get better; then when he goes on another "bender" it starts all over again.

 

I'm of the opinion that you should try everything you can, plus a little extra to try and make it work; just because when there are kids involved I think no money or good standard of living is a substitute for having mom and dad together - but only if the home environment isn't toxic. So, I guess my advice is to use this calmer time and talk to her about how serious these reactions she's having are making the situation. Don't say they are making you think about leaving, because it could make things worse (more stress, more craziness from her part). But tell her how concerned her stress level is making you and suggest that she get some help with that.

 

Good luck.

[Marko]

I think I know what you mean with the benders... I've been going through a roller coaster with my H because of his stress (and some depression) related to work, being in a foreign country (he's East Asian - don't want to be more specific here), new fatherhood, etc, etc. It's tough.

 

Sometimes things get better, then all of a sudden he flips the switch again and goes nuts on me - yelling, threatening to leave, saying bad stuff about our daughter, a few times throwing things around and/or punching stuff including his own face... Then comes the silent treatment or moping and sulking for a while.

 

So I know what you mean when you say that asking her to leave is on hold until the next bender. For me it's similar - I try my hardest to find the patience, look at the good things, focus on myself and my daughter, until things get better; then when he goes on another "bender" it starts all over again.

 

I'm of the opinion that you should try everything you can, plus a little extra to try and make it work; just because when there are kids involved I think no money or good standard of living is a substitute for having mom and dad together - but only if the home environment isn't toxic. So, I guess my advice is to use this calmer time and talk to her about how serious these reactions she's having are making the situation. Don't say they are making you think about leaving, because it could make things worse (more stress, more craziness from her part). But tell her how concerned her stress level is making you and suggest that she get some help with that.

 

Good luck.

Thanks unsure. I appreciate it. There is some good advice there.

All the best in your similar situation also..

[nobmagnet]

Thanks unsure. I appreciate it. There is some good advice there.

All the best in your similar situation also..

 

 

Marriage guidance. learn to communicate.

 

simple

 

Nobby