Manchester Man Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Married 8 years, 2 young kids. Typical argument just now. She went out for a small outing w friends. I've been here all week doing extra work taking care of the kids. I feel unappreciated for giving all I do at work then everything I can at home. I get criticized and told I'm controlling and making her a wife slave. Degenerates into her telling me how she hates me, over and over. Wishes never married or had kids w me. Won't divorce as too tough on kids-wait til they're older she says. She really disliked hearing my side of the issues-such as feeling unappreciated, criticized. Doesn't want to hear it at all. Says I want perfection and 'good luck' finding it. She tells me 'I hate you' in a quiet sad sort of voice, again and again.Looking at me. Wants a response I think. I say it's meaningless to me (won't give her the satisfaction). I've just started to stop the shaking I was doing for the last 15 minutes since she went up to bed. Guess I feel relieved she won't push me out. Dread facing that divorced life. Never ever would have dreamed I'd be sitting where I am now. Question- How do I survive this? Get to some place that is sane?
FryFish Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 You need to serve her with divorce papers... it will be better for the kids than living as they are.
Author Manchester Man Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 I know that's the right thing to do. I seem to lack the courage to do it. Money would be ok. Just the tension for the 7 yo, her calling, and the drama. Losing the ex to some other guy (I know sex is meaningless), even though IMO anyone who would stay beyond the sex would be a doormat or a paternalistic type and either way someone who I'd not envy. Could I get someone as pretty, who'd treat me nice.. She makes it sound like I'm the one with the problems... Have to admit, the idea of some peace is very very appealing
Author Manchester Man Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 I know, she is. She's mean and she's a bitch. She verbally vomits on me and then says she has this temper problem. How do I grow a pair? Just go ahead and leave? I've thought a trial separation would make a lot of sense. This'll sound completely lame to many but I feel like I'm not a man a lot of the time, as she ocasionally tells me. No guts, chicken and more of a boy than a man. How do I fix that? I fully expect some vitriol in the responses here and maybe that'll help,, Maybe a kick in the ass is the best medicine here.
SouthernSunshine Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Don't think for a second you can't do better! You can meet a pretty woman who will treat you good, and respect you. Raise the bar high, and never settle.
happygirl1234 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I know, she is. She's mean and she's a bitch. She verbally vomits on me and then says she has this temper problem. How do I grow a pair? Just go ahead and leave? I've thought a trial separation would make a lot of sense. This'll sound completely lame to many but I feel like I'm not a man a lot of the time, as she ocasionally tells me. No guts, chicken and more of a boy than a man. How do I fix that? I fully expect some vitriol in the responses here and maybe that'll help,, Maybe a kick in the ass is the best medicine here. Manchester Man, Think of it this way: Your W clearly has zero respect for you. She doesn't find you attractive and she thinks you're a spineless wimp. Think about what that does for your children. They see their mother walking all over their father and their parents "staying together" for them. What good does that teach them? What are they learning about marriage and love from that bad example? Children should at least feel/know that their parents are good friends, who respect each other and admire each other, even if they sometimes disagree or get bored or annoyed with each other. But you are an important role model, whether you have sons or daughters. Daughters look at you and think this is how men behave and will grow up with this expectation. Sons will, too. Either way, it's not good for them. Get the courage and get out of this love-less relationship so that you can free yourself to find a more meaningful connection with someone you admire. Cheers, Happygirl
TaraMaiden Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Decide for yourself at which point, in your tolerance level, she will have pushed you too far over the edge, and make you mad, angry, indignant, resentful and frustrated enough for you to finally grow a pair and stop being a doormat, and do something....? How far can she go? What would it take to make you act and do something, at last? Then think to yourself; There is no way I'm going to lie around like a dishcloth and let my children learn that this is the way to treat your spouse. There is no way I'm going to give her the opportunity to drag me that low, treat me that badly and wipe her ass on me day after day. " Then call your family, get some help, move in with them - and the children - and do something actively positive: Like, file for divorce and go for sole custody. That should get her attention..... OR: Carry on as you are, but quit moaning. You're choosing to stay where you are, and let this go on, so really, you have no right complaining about it. If you're a doormat of your own free will- why does it surprise you that she's constantly using you like one?
seren Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I think if it were me I would bring up the elephant in the room, the separating word. I would say OK if you are that unhappy, and I am that unhappy then we either get counselling work on repairing our M, if indeed there is any hope of this. I would stop being so passive and let her know that I too am unhappy and that given the way the marriage is going that I wonder why I was still in it. Can you not sit down and talk about how you are feeling, why she is feeling like this and if there is anything to salvage. The longer it continues, the more it becomes the way it is. Can you look at life in, say 2 years from now without change and say you would be content? Talk and listen to each other. Everyone deserves respect and happiness and everyone has a responsibility to themselves to ensuring they get it.
giotto Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I think if it were me I would bring up the elephant in the room, the separating word. I would say OK if you are that unhappy, and I am that unhappy then we either get counselling work on repairing our M, if indeed there is any hope of this. I would stop being so passive and let her know that I too am unhappy and that given the way the marriage is going that I wonder why I was still in it. Can you not sit down and talk about how you are feeling, why she is feeling like this and if there is anything to salvage. The longer it continues, the more it becomes the way it is. Can you look at life in, say 2 years from now without change and say you would be content? Talk and listen to each other. Everyone deserves respect and happiness and everyone has a responsibility to themselves to ensuring they get it. Wise words! ^^^ I do understand you don't want to divorce because of the children... I've been in the same boat (although my wife's always been reasonable, apart from sex!) and the thought of another man being their "daddy" was unbearable... having said that, your position - as it is - is not tolerable in the long run...
xxoo Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 You and your kids will be FAR better off after a divorce. Even your wife will be better off, as she sound miserable (in addition to nasty and horrible). Your children will benefit from two happier parents apart more than two miserable parents together. Set a good example for your kids and live a HEALTHY life. End this unhealthy marriage! Wise words! ^^^ I do understand you don't want to divorce because of the children... I've been in the same boat (although my wife's always been reasonable, apart from sex!) and the thought of another man being their "daddy" was unbearable... having said that, your position - as it is - is not tolerable in the long run... the bolded-- You'll always be their daddy. No new man can step into that role. I'd be shocked if a child older than 4 or so would accept a new man in Mommy's life without a whole lot of resistance and drama--as long as daddy is still in the picture, that is.
Author Manchester Man Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Thanks for all the responses. I needed to hear the truth of how I let her routinely treat me like a grade school bully- not b/c I have it coming but b/c that's her wont, and probably was an intial draw on some level after we met. She's alot like my Dad- narcissistic. I grew up like my mom and married my Dad. (funny I always thought the opposite was what happened in life) I do think the best healthiest thing and what I want for me (and my kids) is trial separation (unless and until she agreed to and participated in MC)and then likely final pulling the plug on this thing. I'm going to seek out a Co dependents anonymous group. That kind of group might help me understand why I am so seemingly powerless to let her do this to me and get the anger I need for my own sake to stand up and stay standing. I'm allowing this to go on, much less about the kids welfare than my own fear and spinelessness. It's gonna get even uglier.....
giotto Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 the bolded-- You'll always be their daddy. No new man can step into that role. I'd be shocked if a child older than 4 or so would accept a new man in Mommy's life without a whole lot of resistance and drama--as long as daddy is still in the picture, that is. yes, of course you are right... but it's an irrational thing...
seibert253 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Wanna snap her back into reality and force her to face her issues, just move out. Don't say anything, just one day she comes home to you gone, and a letter on the kitchen table explaining why. Then she'll have her "oh sh#t" moment. But, before you do this, sit down and try to talk. Give her one last opportunity to go to MC to work to fix your marriage. That way when she tries to blame you, you can calmly tell her, remember on (such and such day at such and such time), when I asked you to try to work to fix this and you refused, this is why I can't be with you right now. Yeah it's gonna be rough on the kids, but do you really want them to learn to disrespect their spouse the way she does. I promise you that's what they will do when they get married. Why, because that's how mom and dad were, so it must be normal. No, it's not normal. It's better kids that kids be raised from a broken home, than one that's broke.
You Go Girl Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 The shaking tells it all. You're being mentally abused. You need to address that in IC. Get yourself some help through IC, NOW.
Author Manchester Man Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Excellent points all. It hit me that I've been demanding something from her I haven't earned-her respect. (doesn't give her the right to abuse me of course) I demand respect for my earning ability-which is solid. but that misses a critical point. I think she well knows I've wanted to leave for a long time-b/c of the garbage described- and even tried to once for 2 days and came crawling back. I have huge dependency needs.... But she knows (and now I know) I'm chicken **** for staying and she rightly despises me for it. I don't blame her a bit. I haven't earned her respect, only her disrespect. It's a shock she hasn't left in disgust or cheated. I feel like a veil's been lifted. I agree with the last post (thanks and good luck to you too) that I need to develop and cultivate a social circle that can help me when I make my step out. Whether it's me doing it or she finally pushes me out. This needs to happen. This is a good first step in that walk.
MichelleZB Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Hate is a really strong word. There is obviously a lot of anger between you two. How's the co-parenting been going? The only reason to "stay for the kids" is if co-parenting is still functioning well. If you guys are unable to function as a team, then the kids aren't getting any benefit from you staying together anyway. I rarely suggest counseling, but I think it would be good for you to go alone for awhile and talk to someone neutral about your options.
Author Manchester Man Posted April 26, 2010 Author Posted April 26, 2010 yeah, I think I'm being emotionally abused. since early on felt myself being cut off from outside connections. I had no idea how insidious that could be. Ever see 'Saving Silverman'?... I'm going to start those outside connections. She did agree to M/C, too, so will start finding one of those. But she feels justified in all that verbal crap- hate you etc etc, 'because she was mad'. Blows my mind. She really believes she's righteous. Sad for her I believe she hasn't the capacity to see anything but her own side and isn't able to meaningfully change-said as much. I think I'm seeing the tendency to disrespect in my daughter now. Why not she's her mothers daughter. I also encouraged her to get out weekly on her own. I think she needs female support and encouragement. She's only staying b/c of the kids and wants to avoid putting them through the carnage of divorce. In her heart she probably knows she shouldn't be with me.
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