kis Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I have been in a mutual attraction with this man (we are both Married) for a few years and have been very puzzeled as to why he has never pursued a physical relationship. He has made it very clear that he is extremely attracted to me. Well I think I have figured it out. I have supected it for a while. I think he may have already been involved in a physical affair when we started talking. I dont know how to react to this or what to feel. Anyone had a simular experience. Or what are your thoughts.
secretlady76 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 You can have a very close EA and not ever get physical....why? because despite the underlying physical attraction, it isn't that that keeps tou together, it's the emotional bond, the conversation, the connection and that my friend is very powerful, and certainly more dangerous than a PA. I understand your situation; I am in it at the moment!!!!
Heather1 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I've had a friend for over 10 years that for awhile was a mutual attraction. He made it clear from the gate that nothing would ever happen & made sure we were NEVER alone. He said nothing good would ever come of it. It really hurt for awhile, and he has since divorced & lives with a girlfriend now. Even during his divorce he told me he'd never go after someone who's married. I can't tell if it was an experience with an A he'd had, or his dad's A's. This is how a "stand up guy" responds though. Now that I'm on the other side of a PA I can see what he means. I've had to cut xOM out of my life completely. If I ever find myself in a mutual attraction again, I'll opt for the high road for all concerned & nip it in the bud. He's doing you a HUGE favor!!! I tried to prevent being alone with xOM for awhile, even telling him we can't ever be alone. He created a situation I hadn't thought about. BTW- the attraction to my friend is totally gone.
joey66 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I have been in a mutual attraction with this man (we are both Married) for a few years and have been very puzzeled as to why he has never pursued a physical relationship. He has made it very clear that he is extremely attracted to me. Well I think I have figured it out. I have supected it for a while. I think he may have already been involved in a physical affair when we started talking. I dont know how to react to this or what to feel. Anyone had a simular experience. Or what are your thoughts. Hard to say without more background. How do you know he was/is involved in a PA when you started? How do you feel about him? Do you want your relationship to be physical? I ask because your post strikes close to home. It describes well my (former?) relationship, but I definitely was not involved with someone else when we started.
secretlady76 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I have been in a mutual attraction with this man (we are both Married) for a few years and have been very puzzeled as to why he has never pursued a physical relationship. He has made it very clear that he is extremely attracted to me. Well I think I have figured it out. I have supected it for a while. I think he may have already been involved in a physical affair when we started talking. I dont know how to react to this or what to feel. Anyone had a simular experience. Or what are your thoughts. Reply number 2..... reasons why he hasn't persued it: 1) he's married 2) you're married 3) you are already having an EA which makes a potential PA a heck of a lot more powerful than a simple PA without EA. 4) he's very sensible!!!!
Passion4Life Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I have been in a mutual attraction with this man (we are both Married) for a few years and have been very puzzeled as to why he has never pursued a physical relationship. He has made it very clear that he is extremely attracted to me. Well I think I have figured it out. I have supected it for a while. I think he may have already been involved in a physical affair when we started talking. I dont know how to react to this or what to feel. Anyone had a simular experience. Or what are your thoughts. i dont know what exactly is your question ? looks like you are in EA & heading towards PA.
Author kis Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Reply number 2..... reasons why he hasn't persued it: 1) he's married 2) you're married 3) you are already having an EA which makes a potential PA a heck of a lot more powerful than a simple PA without EA. 4) he's very sensible!!!! Everything you are saying makes perfect sense and these are the reasons I used to think he was just a reasonble stand up guy. But now i have reason to believe he didnt persue the physical because he was already involved in a PA with someone else. I just dont know how to handle this. Its very emotionally confusing to me. Since you are in a simular situation i would love to hear more about it. I feel like the only one and I cant really talk to anyone about it. Feeling a little sad.
Author kis Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 I've had a friend for over 10 years that for awhile was a mutual attraction. He made it clear from the gate that nothing would ever happen & made sure we were NEVER alone. He said nothing good would ever come of it. It really hurt for awhile, and he has since divorced & lives with a girlfriend now. Even during his divorce he told me he'd never go after someone who's married. I can't tell if it was an experience with an A he'd had, or his dad's A's. This is how a "stand up guy" responds though. Now that I'm on the other side of a PA I can see what he means. I've had to cut xOM out of my life completely. If I ever find myself in a mutual attraction again, I'll opt for the high road for all concerned & nip it in the bud. He's doing you a HUGE favor!!! I tried to prevent being alone with xOM for awhile, even telling him we can't ever be alone. He created a situation I hadn't thought about. BTW- the attraction to my friend is totally gone. Did it make you a little sad when the attraction starting to fade. I am afraid that will happen to me and it makes me very sad. It is already not as strong. But i think the thought that it might lead to something feeds the excitement. Once you realize that it never will it take some of the heat out.
jthorne Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Everything you are saying makes perfect sense and these are the reasons I used to think he was just a reasonble stand up guy. But now i have reason to believe he didnt persue the physical because he was already involved in a PA with someone else. I just dont know how to handle this. Its very emotionally confusing to me. Since you are in a simular situation i would love to hear more about it. I feel like the only one and I cant really talk to anyone about it. Feeling a little sad. I'm really sorry, I'm confused. He's having sex with 1: his wife 2: someone else who may have God knows what kind of STD And you want to be #3? When you have your own husband at home? Did I read that right?
Heather1 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Actually it was a relief!!! We have had a solid friendship for years, my kids just love him. I ended up working for his family, it's been great. If your EA is actually having an A & starting something with you, I'd watch out. He's a serial cheater & you better be prepared to cut ties on a dime or be prepared to be replaced too. If you're out for just an A, pick someone you don't want in your life after the fact.
Holding-On Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 It is also possible that to your AP, as with many men, it isn't really an affair until the physical act of sex.
Heather1 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 That is true too. Men don't think it's an A until the PA for sure. Maybe because they look at every woman as potential. Women are more selective, so when we get chemistry it hits us harder. The end result hits harder too. My advice? Leave it alone (from someone who's been there with the best possible ending)
secretlady76 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Everything you are saying makes perfect sense and these are the reasons I used to think he was just a reasonble stand up guy. But now i have reason to believe he didnt persue the physical because he was already involved in a PA with someone else. I just dont know how to handle this. Its very emotionally confusing to me. Since you are in a simular situation i would love to hear more about it. I feel like the only one and I cant really talk to anyone about it. Feeling a little sad. Er I think if he was sleeping with someone else then it wouldn't stop him sleeping with you too, but that it my opionion. Me? Well became friends with a MM and it became a EA but we never had sexual conversations of any type but there was sexual tension big style. The first time we were alone the line was crossed and we kissed and that is when I thought 'hey that is why we haven't got physical'; because if we did then it would have been mindblowing and probably would have ended both marriages, because there is some strong feelings there. Whilst it is EA you can deny it is too serious...
secretlady76 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 (edited) Er I think if he was sleeping with someone else then it wouldn't stop him sleeping with you too, but that it my opionion. Me? Well became friends with a MM and it became a EA but we never had sexual conversations of any type but there was sexual tension big style. The first time we were alone the line was crossed and we kissed and that is when I thought 'hey that is why we haven't got physical'; because if we did then it would have been mindblowing and probably would have ended both marriages, because there is some strong feelings there. Whilst it is EA you can deny it is too serious... May I also add that neither of us had any idea what we were doing, as in we didn't realise we were having an EA until it dawned on us that there had been a bit of secrecy involved in the friendship. We both had A LOT to lose and because of this decided that it wasn't worth it turning into a PA. But what was weird was that when the line was crossed and we kissed we had only met purely to talk about why it wasn't going to go any further and turn into a PA. Now we're down to purely a hello/goodbye relationship and for me I am finding it very hard for it to be like this where before it was so much more than that, but I understand and have to accept this is how he would prefer it to be Edited April 24, 2010 by secretlady76
Author kis Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 May I also add that neither of us had any idea what we were doing, as in we didn't realise we were having an EA until it dawned on us that there had been a bit of secrecy involved in the friendship. We both had A LOT to lose and because of this decided that it wasn't worth it turning into a PA. But what was weird was that when the line was crossed and we kissed we had only met purely to talk about why it wasn't going to go any further and turn into a PA. Now we're down to purely a hello/goodbye relationship and for me I am finding it very hard for it to be like this where before it was so much more than that, but I understand and have to accept this is how he would prefer it to be So you are saying the kiss was kind of a turning point? Must have been hard to experience and then to tone it down to almost nothing.
secretlady76 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 (edited) So you are saying the kiss was kind of a turning point? Must have been hard to experience and then to tone it down to almost nothing. It was not expected. We agreed whatever we had wasn't to go any further and he was very adamant about that....and then he kissed me. How did I feel?.....in shock....but it was really rather nice....so we did it again.....of course I left that meeting feeling that everything had become so much more complicated and also that I understood that actually it could get a lot more serious very easily. They say that the time between first talking and the first kiss is very lengthy, but the time between the first kiss and full blown sexual intercourse very short, I think this is one reason why it needed to be nipped in the bud straight away.....that and the marriages, kids etc... It's bloody hard to go to nothing. I think about it all the time. I hope one day I won't. I may be able to pretend he means nothing to me but my feelings are as stong as they've always been for him. Edited April 24, 2010 by secretlady76
Author kis Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 It was not expected. We agreed whatever we had wasn't to go any further and he was very adamant about that....and then he kissed me. How did I feel?.....in shock....but it was really rather nice....so we did it again.....of course I left that meeting feeling that everything had become so much more complicated and also that I understood that actually it could get a lot more serious very easily. They say that the time between first talking and the first kiss is very lengthy, but the time between the first kiss and full blown sexual intercourse very short, I think this is one reason why it needed to be nipped in the bud straight away.....that and the marriages, kids etc... It's bloody hard to go to nothing. I think about it all the time. I hope one day I won't. I may be able to pretend he means nothing to me but my feelings are as stong as they've always been for him. We have kissed too. And you are right about the lenth of time. It was a long time coming. It makes you want it again. I dont know if it will happen. He is also very adamant that we cant let it go any further. Seems odd. You always think it has to be the woman that puts the brakes on. But......... This kiss was only a couple of weeks ago. So I am wondering. How long ago for you? Do you really think you can keep up the coolness?
secretlady76 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 We have kissed too. And you are right about the lenth of time. It was a long time coming. It makes you want it again. I dont know if it will happen. He is also very adamant that we cant let it go any further. Seems odd. You always think it has to be the woman that puts the brakes on. But......... This kiss was only a couple of weeks ago. So I am wondering. How long ago for you? Do you really think you can keep up the coolness? only a couple of weeks longer than you... Can I keep up the coolness?...it's difficult. I have to hold my tongue because there are so many things I would like to say but I can't. I can't because he has made it clear it can't carry on and I understand that. You know, if it was to all kick off and we both got divorced, I would leave with the children of course and I would be financially secure. As a man he would lose it all.....I mean that is enough to scare anyone from doing anything outside the marriage. Yeah, you can say if circumstances were different maybe we would be having a relationship,...... stupid thing is, is that if circumstances were different then we probably wouldn't have met. How about you?
Author kis Posted April 24, 2010 Author Posted April 24, 2010 only a couple of weeks longer than you... Can I keep up the coolness?...it's difficult. I have to hold my tongue because there are so many things I would like to say but I can't. I can't because he has made it clear it can't carry on and I understand that. You know, if it was to all kick off and we both got divorced, I would leave with the children of course and I would be financially secure. As a man he would lose it all.....I mean that is enough to scare anyone from doing anything outside the marriage. Yeah, you can say if circumstances were different maybe we would be having a relationship,...... stupid thing is, is that if circumstances were different then we probably wouldn't have met. How about you? We work together. we probaly would have met regardless. I dont think my husband or i could be finacially secure without the other. I have no intentions of leaving. We have been together a long time. It is a hard marriage. We have many differences that are hard to comprimise. As for the other man he still has a child at home. I would never want to see anything happen to his family. I could never be a homewrecker.
Heather1 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I think you 2 should read my posts starting from oct 2008, after we kissed. It took months to have sex (again, because I think he still figured he was doing nothing wrong until sex???). I went in eyes wide open, not wanting to be a homewrecker, etc, no divorces. I wanted it to be what it was for as long as it could last. That's not really what happened. We'd have, what I'll call now, "moments" of being really close. It was always a huge buildup to sex, then I'd just get shoved away - back to friends & assuring him it would never happen again. Every time the sex was more amazing, & the rejection after was more intense. My mind was consistant the whole time, I wanted the same thing from day 1. Guys I think want what they can't have & then when they get it they then freak over covering their tracks. I understood his guilt for the longest time & actually thought he was a good guy for even feeling guilty. Just be careful.....this is NOT what you think!!
Heather1 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Ps- all the thoughtful gestures, gifts, spending time together, etc ended too. I didn't even see that coming!! We were full speed ahead & on the same page until the PA.
lilagirl Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 May I also add that neither of us had any idea what we were doing, as in we didn't realise we were having an EA until it dawned on us that there had been a bit of secrecy involved in the friendship. We both had A LOT to lose and because of this decided that it wasn't worth it turning into a PA. But what was weird was that when the line was crossed and we kissed we had only met purely to talk about why it wasn't going to go any further and turn into a PA. Now we're down to purely a hello/goodbye relationship and for me I am finding it very hard for it to be like this where before it was so much more than that, but I understand and have to accept this is how he would prefer it to be This is similar to me as well. We were best friends for so long, and then realized that we crossed a line. In retrospect, our relationship crossed a line years before we actually admitted to ourselves that there were real feelings there. Once that realization occurred, we spent a great deal of time trying to get rid of the feelings. OP - can you clarify - Is he currently in a PA with OWx? or was that in the past?
lilagirl Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 We have kissed too. And you are right about the lenth of time. It was a long time coming. It makes you want it again. I dont know if it will happen. He is also very adamant that we cant let it go any further. Seems odd. You always think it has to be the woman that puts the brakes on. But......... This kiss was only a couple of weeks ago. So I am wondering. How long ago for you? Do you really think you can keep up the coolness? KIs, when my AP and I moved to PA, the time in between being physical started off long. Not many people seek out an A and when they realize it is happening, the desire to turn it off can be very strong. If he doesn`t/didn`t have another OW, I can understand why it took him so long to kiss, and why he doesn`t want to do it again - despite that he likes it too!!!! If he had another AP before you, or currently does, than I would agree with the previous posters. If one A and W isn`t enough to meet his needs, than there are some serious concerns and red flags. One of which being his honesty. I trust every word that comes out of my MMs mouth. If I find out that I can`t trust him or that I am getting half truths, that is a deal breaker. Talk to him about what you suspect - you will know in your heart whether you can believe him.
secretlady76 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I think you 2 should read my posts starting from oct 2008, after we kissed. It took months to have sex (again, because I think he still figured he was doing nothing wrong until sex???). I went in eyes wide open, not wanting to be a homewrecker, etc, no divorces. I wanted it to be what it was for as long as it could last. That's not really what happened. We'd have, what I'll call now, "moments" of being really close. It was always a huge buildup to sex, then I'd just get shoved away - back to friends & assuring him it would never happen again. Every time the sex was more amazing, & the rejection after was more intense. My mind was consistant the whole time, I wanted the same thing from day 1. Guys I think want what they can't have & then when they get it they then freak over covering their tracks. I understood his guilt for the longest time & actually thought he was a good guy for even feeling guilty. Just be careful.....this is NOT what you think!! Isn't is amazing how something you think is so unique to you is in fact a well trodden path....and for most part starts, progresses and finishes in much the same way. Your posts (and that of many others) may well prevent some people (men and women) from doing more or feeling more than they should.....! Thank you.
lilagirl Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 Isn't is amazing how something you think is so unique to you is in fact a well trodden path....and for most part starts, progresses and finishes in much the same way. Your posts (and that of many others) may well prevent some people (men and women) from doing more or feeling more than they should.....! Thank you. This part is amazing to me too. I thought my A was very unique. Its not really... its same old story - Only, I don`t know how mine ends yet.
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