D-Lish Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I think your wife clams up around your mother because she doesn't like her. I am sure your mother has that impression of her as well. It IS rude to ignore people during a family visit- it's very rude. I can see why your mother would feel upset about about that. If I had a son and he brought home a wife that couldn't make an effort to speak to me or be friendly to me, I'd dislike her too! You should be the one inviting your mother over- not your wife, or your mother- YOU. And why would your wife's feather be ruffled that your mother doesn't "drop" by? Your wife has never made her feel welcome, why would it surprise her your mother doesn't drop by?
Honorable_Venerable Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 I think your wife clams up around your mother because she doesn't like her. I am sure your mother has that impression of her as well. It IS rude to ignore people during a family visit- it's very rude. I can see why your mother would feel upset about about that. If I had a son and he brought home a wife that couldn't make an effort to speak to me or be friendly to me, I'd dislike her too! You should be the one inviting your mother over- not your wife, or your mother- YOU. And why would your wife's feather be ruffled that your mother doesn't "drop" by? Your wife has never made her feel welcome, why would it surprise her your mother doesn't drop by? Is it fair to point out she married the OP, not his mother. The OP's mother is fringe benefit.
Author dennisflorida Posted May 3, 2010 Author Posted May 3, 2010 Your wife is hurt. Why? Please tell my you don't repeat all this nonsense to your wife. Don't listen to it, and certainly don't repeat it. Support your wife. Tell her things that build her up, not knock her down. Your mother's opinion is not worth repeating. I do and have. I can't live a lie. My Mom always has something to say about something. It's o.k. for her to dish it out, but not o.k. for me to stand up for myself or my wife. Anything about my Wife that my Mom has a problem with, i'm sure she's repeated it to my Dad and i know for a fact she has to my sisters out of insecurity and needing someone to talk to. So...I've told my Wife but it's no real secret...My Wife knows my Mom talks a lot and nitpicks a lot. I can't take a load of Bull and then put on a happy face and a front with my Wife. I'd be dishonest with my Wife in that sense, playing my Mom's game. It's not fair. I guess I AM making it worse. My Dad has reached out about an hour ago and said that we all need to learn from Mom. She's a wise woman and not out to deliberately hurt anyone. AND, She's your Mother...so respect her!! i'm so far from being a spoiled brat because I've ALWAYS been good to my Mother...But in this case, I'm taking that as: It's o.k. for Mom to talk s*** about your Wife and be opionated, so "Take It!" she's your Mother! D-Lish...It IS Rude to ignore somebody and I actually called my Wife out on that when it happened and told her it was pretty much uncool. But I stood by her also, because I know she was hurt at the time.
Luv2dance Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I think there is a difference between being rude and just being quiet and introverted! I have lived this with my husband and my family! He is also introverted from a nice quiet introverted family and my family can be loud and a little overwhelming at times. We went through a time where he was being rude at family gatherings b/c of some resentment he was carrying towards my family. My mom and grandmother both felt like he didn't like them b/c of his non response to them. I really didn't recognize the situation due to the fact that he is just quiet and even though it seemed rude to me I just brushed it off. My mom asked me why he was like that(after a year) and I confronted him, he admitted to the resentment and being closed off towards them. He is still quieter than the rest of my family but he at least will speak and include himself in the conversations. I don't understand why your mom should be expected to just drop by w/o being invited? I would think it would make her feel unwanted if she wasn't invited, but that's just me.
xxoo Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I can't take a load of Bull and then put on a happy face and a front with my Wife. I'd be dishonest with my Wife in that sense, playing my Mom's game. It's not fair. I guess I AM making it worse. My Dad has reached out about an hour ago and said that we all need to learn from Mom. She's a wise woman and not out to deliberately hurt anyone. AND, She's your Mother...so respect her!! 1. Your allegiance is now to your wife. She comes first. 2. You don't have to take any Bull from your mother or father. Simply refuse to listen to it. Politely tell them you won't listen to any criticism of your wife, and walk away. Drive away. Hang up the phone. Ignore emails with bad talk therein. What was your response to dad? 3. Enforcing your boundaries does not require disrespecting your mother. You need to learn to enforce boundaries respectfully, but firmly. Maybe some counseling would help with that. It sounds like you let your parents treat you like a child, and you need to start being an independent man.
Author dennisflorida Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 1. Your allegiance is now to your wife. She comes first. 2. You don't have to take any Bull from your mother or father. Simply refuse to listen to it. Politely tell them you won't listen to any criticism of your wife, and walk away. Drive away. Hang up the phone. Ignore emails with bad talk therein. What was your response to dad? 3. Enforcing your boundaries does not require disrespecting your mother. You need to learn to enforce boundaries respectfully, but firmly. Maybe some counseling would help with that. It sounds like you let your parents treat you like a child, and you need to start being an independent man. thanks all for your patience and insight, everyone. I have not responded to my Dad. I'm all of the sudden starting to feel like this is all my fault. I should have shut things down (in a nice way) before even letting them get to this point. Another key point is that, My Mother really doesn't know my Wife. They've never spent a lot of quality time together and for a good 5 years, they lived out of state while me and Wife dated. They've been back 4 years but we really haven't had a real "bonding" type thing happen. She doesn't know my Wife as well as she could and me knowing how my Mother can be, I should have forced some one-on-one time, some 'Mom, Dad, Wife and Me dinners out', where we could talk and learn more about each other. Wife's parents know all about me, they love me and know what I like, what I'm into, where i've been, They ask questions and we've bonded, etc. My Mother doesn't know a whole lot about Wife other than she's kind but very shy and introverted. It's still wrong of My Mother to think my Wife should change and be outgoing and comfortable with her Just Like That...but it's also wrong of Me to try and change my Mother when I know how she is and has been all my life...She needs to feel wanted and welcome. I knew that, but I was being resentful of that side of her and making it "her" problem with us and being stubborn about it. Dad is basically wanting to start fresh and end all this drama so we can move on and hang out again but wanted to scold me and say 'She's your Mother and you need to Respect her, it's wrong of you to think you can Put Her In Her Place, let's put it all behind us and move on'. I'm mad that I let myself get to that place of insecurity and let my Mother get to me, that I allowed it to get to my Wife, That i complained a lot about them to my Wife, that I let it bother me so much that I just had to let her 'have it' with my words when, I KNEW the score with my Mother the whole time. I KNEW how to control her and keep her at Bay...But in a sense, I was just getting fed up and being stubborn and wanted HER to try and fix herself. My Mom shouldn't be expected to just Drop By...What I meant more was, If she hadn't heard from me in a while because I was busy with work and stuff, time would just go by until i called again...She wouldn't call ME to say 'Hey, Mind if we come up' or 'Hey, We'd like to have you down if you're available'. I felt like I was initiating every single visit and would constantly tell her, 'Mom, you're welcome anytime you want at our place'...but wouldn't hear from her or see them come up. i knew she wanted a formal invite but was seeing if she'd make the first move.
Eeyore79 Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 I am also introverted. I like receiving emails and chatting online, but I rarely meet up with friends, and if there's going to be a large group of people I simply won't go. I'm not exciting in company, I'm not the life and soul of the party, I'm uncomfortable in large groups of people, and I find social occasions draining. The thing is, I'm happy as I am - I don't need "helping", and I wouldn't be happy if my spouse wanted me to change. I doubt if your wife feels like she's "missing out" on anything - that's YOUR feeling, not hers. She's probably perfectly happy being quiet and introverted, and perfectly happy just hanging out with the baby on her own while you're at work. You need to stop trying to push her to be more sociable, and just let her do whatever makes her happy. However, I do think she should make more of an effort to be friends with your mother and to be sociable at family gatherings. As an introvert myself, I know how difficult such things are, but she should be prepared to make the effort as long as it doesn't happen too frequently. Social gatherings exhaust me, but I make an effort to attend and put on my pretend happy face for a couple of hours just to make my boyfriend happy - your wife should do the same.
Author dennisflorida Posted May 4, 2010 Author Posted May 4, 2010 (edited) Eeyore79- I agree and I see that i've been wrong to ever try and change my wife or suggest that she be more outgoing. I don't do it much but I have done it. She should "try" (which she does somewhat) to be happy at Family things so she doesn't come off as rude but she doesn't really need to change who she is as a person. again, i think that's something I could have helped with and should have helped her and Mom with. and you hit it on the nail...My Wife is perfectly happy to be alone with Baby while I'm at work. She does a lot with and for baby. It doesn't bother her too much that she's introverted. i've felt like such a dork for the past 24 hours because i really feel like I should have done something about this long a go. We should have all been comfortable and i should have gotten us together a lot more before Baby came along. I shouldn't have just expected My Wife and My Mother to just "Get along". Edited May 4, 2010 by dennisflorida
SarahRose Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Let me break it down for you. Your mom knows exactly how to push your buttons and you play right into it every time even though you know exactly how she and the sisters are If you simply refuse to play along in the drama game, she'll find another victim to play with. When she brings up your wife or makes a comment just change the subject. Period. Don't respond in anyway. Pretend she didn't say anything at all. Do not get angry or tell her off. As you found out that is more of the drama game and she can say poor poor me everyone is being so mean to me. Don't play into it ever. The part where she tattles to the sisters and it comes back to you finding out how rude you have been. How do you know this? Someone is clearly telling you what they are saying about you. You need to ignore them too. If they call you and say so and so said you are a monkey faced baboon, just ignore it and change the subject. If they keep it up, just hang up. I guarantee you do this a half a dozen times, they will stop. If they have no audience which YOU are giving them, they won't have anything to say.
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