cherubim Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Men and women who cheat. Do you ever feel guilty or that your doing the wrong thing? Is'nt it alot of work to keep making up lies?
ConflictedGuy27 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I suspect you're a BS looking to find out when and/or if your WS is experiencing some well deserved trauma for what he/she did to you. However, I could be off base. I was a BS and in my IC my counselor noted a LOT of very uncharacteristic behavior from my STBX - my counselor is convinced guilt was the reason. Early on, even while carrying on the affair, my STBX would clean the house like never before; do ALL of my laundry and even organize my closet. This was AFTER I was fully aware of the A (I had confronted her & she stopped coming home regularly). Those guilt spawned activities eventually stopped and began manifesting in other ways, I.e. heavy appologies for very small things like not answering my calls or continuing to make up places she was at, while knowing full well it no longer mattered. The overwhelming majority of WS's know right from wrong and guilt is the emotion within us that is illicited when choosing wrong over right. Are they consumed by their guilt? That's a question you'll likely never get a direct answer to, from the specific person. My mother was a WS, which led to my parents divorcing about 13 years ago - I asked her and yes, she is still guilty and although remarried, calls my father from time to time to "check in". The impact that infidelity causes a WS (if they aren't a full blown narcissist) is something they live with, clearly. Will a magic day come where the guilt paralyzes their ability to function and force them running back to their BS - maybe, but don't count on it. I hope my indirect experience with my WS's guilt helped you.
confusedinkansas Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I'm sure I can't be alone in this but..... I honestly felt NO guilt whatsoever. During the time, I justified it. My husband was choosing to do his thing, I chose to do mine. After the fact. Yes, I felt guilt. Does it consume me now? No
OFGnomore Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Yes. I was angry, had outbursts, and drank a whole lot in my A. And my H and I were so distant, I pretty much pulled the whole thing off with lies of omission. He never asked any questions even though I was pretty whacked out in the A. He assumed it was depression and went about his business. He'd go to work and not call home during the day. And then 3 months after I ended the A, I told him there was something about our M that I needed to talk to him about. Light bulb went off, he asked the next day if I'd been unfaithful and I told him the truth.
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Men and women who cheat. Do you ever feel guilty or that your doing the wrong thing? Is'nt it alot of work to keep making up lies? FBW, here. I think it depends on the person honestly. An aquaintance embarked on an affair with a separated man, ended her marriage and never looked back. No guilt, remorse nada. A true exit affair in the sense she had tried and tried to make it more fulfilling of her needs with little success, and then decided she had never loved him, had just stayed with him to raise the kids and was done and out the door. He was devastated, never so it coming, and pulled out all the stops to keep her but it was too little too late. My fWS says he felt tremendous guilt, and the phenomenon of this, which I have read about, is the only thing that relieves it is.....seeing the AP again! Because that is the only face you will look at, that looks back at you with total acceptance in having the affair that is breaking the hearts of your spouse and family! Whoa, speak of a Catch-22! Sometimes, the only way to break the guilt/see AP dynamic is to....let them go without anger and acrimony. You know, "have a nice life, wish you well, maybe someday we can be friends but not for a while, hope you are happy, gotta go now." Sometimes, that attitude and preparing for a future without them, bursts the bubble.
secretlady76 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 (edited) I was having a very brief EA and because it seemed to consume all my thoughts my H noticed so because of this I tried to act normal; well, the minute you try to act normal it isn't normal, so that in itself made me feel guilty. I felt no guilt when I talked to my MM and I felt no guilt when I text/emailed or called the MM. I felt guilty when I had to delete texts or when I avoided talking about him. The only time I felt really guilty was when we discussed meeting up, then I felt awfully guilty; sick. Edited April 23, 2010 by secretlady76
11onMyMind Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 (edited) My first affair was eight years ago, six years into our relationship and two years married. I didn't feel the guilt as it was a revenge thing, and I was young and immature. It devestated me about a week later upon reflection though. I kept that secret for a whole year, we had two young children, and I got pregnant with our third about two months after A ended. Matter of fact all the books I'd read on the subject said if you never plan to do it again, and it would do more harm than good, keep it to yourself. That got to be too much for me, and I confessed. We forgave one another for everything and our marriage was stronger than ever. In those years we added two more children for a total of five. Now 13 years in, five kids later, and life happening I find myself in the same situation. The difference this time? I fell in love with AP. My husband and I have travelled two radically different paths these last two years, the last year the worst. The nail in the coffin? He chose to spend our ten year wedding anniverary somwehere other than with his wife. I have left the realtionship mentally, and gave my heart to another. Do I feel guilty? Well, the affair is now over, my husband has what he wants, me physically, but not emotionally. I should leave, I know, but I chose to support him and his career while I had children and raised them. Meaning I have no exit plan. Husband knows my feelings, but either disregards them or would rather not see the truth. I feel guilty for not leaving, but not for loving the other man. Edited April 23, 2010 by 11onMyMind
HappyAgain Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 (edited) If you're a BS, I'm sorry the answer will depend on the individual but yes they can feel absolutely no guilt, no remorse. My xH started have an EA in our second year of marriage and continued with EAs and PAs for the remaining 13 years we were married. I knew there was something wrong but I had so much faith in him and could never believe that any human being was capable of the extensive and elaborate lies that he devised in order to fool me. Did he have any guilt? No way in hell, this man lied to me that he wanted to have children with me, he made me believe in him so much so that I paid for his education, I bought a car that I let him put in his name. Well, guess what, we never did have kids, a couple of months after finishing school he wanted out and he drove the car I bought into a concrete wall (accidentally) and collected the insurance money for it without helping me pay it off at all. I understand how hard it is to believe someone can be so deceptive and I only finally accepted it one night when I asked him point-blank if he never had loved me but was just using me all those years. His answer: "probably yes" (he was all set up to leave anyway, I found out, so he had no problem finally admitting it.) I packed his bags that night and had him leave and have never really spoken to him since. After leaving, this man, never apologized, offered to help me out, or even ever tried to contact me. Fortunately, I have rebuilt my life in the years that have passed but I had to accept that even though I was with this man for 19 years, I never KNEW him - he was a complete stranger who shared his life with me because at the time he felt that he couldn't find anyone better and he was not in a financial situation to support himself. So, yes, they can and do feel ABSOLUTELY no regret or remorse. Edited April 23, 2010 by HappyAgain
seibert253 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I'm a BS here so maybe I'm outta line for responding, but I'd figure I'd give my .02 worth. Some WS's feel guilt, some don't. Some people have character, some don't. IMO I think the two go hand in hand. If you a WS and what I just proposed pizzed you off, then somewhere inside of you is character and guilt. If you care less, well, I'll leave it at that.
MizzBlue72 Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 hmmm .. well. yes. Of course you feel guilt. Even if you are experiencing something better than you have. I worried about his spouse more than mine. Mine was an exit A. I tried to make it work with xH - but it never worked. For a LOT of reasons - none in regards to the A. I felt worse when I found out he was leaving. Yes - tremendous guilt. And I love him. And I do know that he did not leave for me. His situation was a lot like mine - but to me, I still feel that he lost SO much financially, friends, etc. so - yeah - guilt.
Passion4Life Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I was having a very brief EA and because it seemed to consume all my thoughts my H noticed so because of this I tried to act normal; well, the minute you try to act normal it isn't normal, so that in itself made me feel guilty. I felt no guilt when I talked to my MM and I felt no guilt when I text/emailed or called the MM. I felt guilty when I had to delete texts or when I avoided talking about him. The only time I felt really guilty was when we discussed meeting up, then I felt awfully guilty; sick. well thats strange , so you felt guilty for MM when you avoided talking to him or deleting texts from him ?
John Who Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 It was very stressful for me,I started smoking and I never been known to smoke,I was drinking more.I was distant from my W as far as conversation. I was angry,I would start arguments for no reason,only to make it seem in my mind ok for having a EA because we were not getting along. I consider my A the lowest point of my life.
SouthernSunshine Posted April 24, 2010 Posted April 24, 2010 I didn't feel guilty until after the A. I think because I wasn't legally married to my SO, I felt almost entitled to stray. Though looking back now, it makes me sick. I hurt someone I really love, but how was I able to cheat on someone I really love? I'm not proud of it. For me, it's like love & sex are two different things. I can have sex without feeling love, and I can love & cuddle without having sex.
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