Was I unreasonable or normal?

[soulm8]

My apologies in advance for the lengthy post...

 

I've been struggling a bit with my emotions the past few days. I am so in love with my BF of 6 months. I'm just in a funk right now. I tend to get sensitive when I have my period, so I have to keep everything in perspective and keep my feelings in check. I over analyze stuff.

 

I have joint custody of my children so they're with me for a week and then they're with their Father for a week. The weeks that my kids are at their Father's, I spend the evenings at my bf's place (he's got 2 teens and is widowed) and when I have my kids, he comes here most nights. It's become a comfy, lovely pattern, but it's also making it hard not to want to just move into a larger home and be a family.

 

He's been so attentive, present and open with me. *sigh* I'm not sure if there's something I need to say or do, or if waiting for him to approach me is best... which is what I typically do.

 

What happened? Well... it's somewhat trivial, but hey, I'm "on the rag" and you can let me know what you think - I'd really appreciate it.

 

I have my kids this week. On Monday, we were invited to his place for dinner and to watch the Playoffs. My BF lives in an area (30 mins away from me) that is surprisingly FULL of hockey fans and when the Canucks win a game, the streets are a sight to see - especially for kids. Canucks lost on Monday so we went back to my place and tucked the kids into bed, and turned in ourselves.

 

He seems to have this "thing" with women having their period and jokes around a lot about how he won't be intimate while I have it. Yet, he teases me and taunts me to no end... he is King of foreplay after all. The thing is, all along, I've told him that I barely bleed because I have an IUD for birth control. In fact, we've had sex quite a few times during my cycle and he didn't even notice... that's how extremely light it is and he's an avid muff diver. He's never complained or even noticed! I'm not exaggerating... that's how light it is.

 

Tuesday, he had to work late and was tired afterwards so we talked on the phone and stayed home. That was fine. We made plans to join him for dinner last night. I offered to bake a lasagna (his fave) but he wanted to cook... saying it wasn't my turn. Ok.

 

My kids and I arrived for dinner, but he didn't feel like cooking. We decided to order Chinese Food instead. Now, I don't know if it's just my heightened sensitivity or what, but I think I need to talk to him about dinners, turns cooking, and ordering in, because when he comes here for dinner (even with his teens) I feed them and don't expect him to chip in for expenses. Yet, it seems that the last few times we've been at his place and we've ordered something, he expects me to help pay. This is starting to bother me a bit, because the left overs stay there and I'm in between jobs right now and on a tight budget. He's mentioned before that when you live together, whoever gets home first should start dinner and if they don't feel like cooking... they should be prepared to order in. That gave me the impression that who ever doesn't feel like cooking... should pay.

 

Besides that, (more whining)... I used my gas to come to him all last week, and now Monday and last night. Hmmm... that doesn't seem fair to me.

 

I didn't have any cash on me, so he said I could contribute to dinner by running to the beer store and getting a six pack. I didn't really mind... sounded fair since the total for dinner was $50. During intermission, I went down the street to get the beer. I didn't expect him to come with me, but felt a little disappointed that he didn't want to come for the drive.

 

Towards the end of the 2nd period, my son (almost 8 yrs old) was acting up because he'd had some icecream. BF suggested I take him home and he'd bring my daughter (9 yrs old) home after the game. I didn't really acknowledge the suggestion, but warned my son to cool it or find something to do. What that suggestion did do however, was reinforce the idea that he was coming home with me.

 

See, just before ordering the dinner, I was hugging BF and commented on his b.o. ... in a cute way though... I love his smell. He took a bath and always invites me in to talk with him. He was teasing me and playing with himself, and taunting about period stuff again so I reminded him how light my period is and told him that he hasn't even noticed when I've had it. In fact, I told him I had it on Monday but he didn't care because he wanted me anyway. He mentions how he wants to tease me so bad that I'll demand that he f*ck me... hmmm.

 

Any way, this is getting long and sounds lame so I'll cut to the chase. The Canucks win, we go for a walk to check out the excitement on the street. On the way, he told my son it was his turn to sit on his shoulders because my daughter got to last time. We got to where we wanted to be and my son was right at his side, patiently waiting for his turn... BF was intent on ensuring my daughter was safe and kinda ignored my son =(

 

I could tell my son was disappointed. BF finally turned to my son, but it was too late... he felt rejected and didn't even want to hold his flag any more. My son and I are very alike in this way. When I feel bad, I just want to escape and be alone. My poor baby. My daughter asked BF if he was coming over and he told us that he couldn't tonight.

 

We headed back to his place and I went straight to my vehicle knowing we were going home without him. I was finishing a cigarette while the kids got in and settled. BF could tell I was upset because I was being super aloof and was trying to hug me, rub himself up against me (wtf?!) and kiss me. He said, "don't be an *******" and I told him he was being the ******* for teasing me and leading me on. I also said something I regret... I accidentally said, "what a waste of time". oops. I didn't mean it. I sometimes blurt out shyte when I'm upset. He told me tonight was for the kids and to lighten up.

 

My rejected feeling was getting intense and I just wanted to get the hell on the road; get the kids to bed. I jump in and he hangs in my window... saying cockily, "I love you...." and I shot him a dirty look without saying it back. He then said, "don't go to bed mad..." in the same cocky manner. He then commented that in the future he knows now not to show me the goods. That got a dirty look from me as well... I said, good night, talk to you tomorrow... and drove off... kind of quick. My daughter told me he was standing there looking kinda shocked.

 

Was I a total bitch? I got the kids to bed and hoped there'd be an email from him or that he'd call... but nothing. I emailed him thanking him for the dinner, fun and apologized for the goodbye. I also told him that I thought him sending me to the beer store, suggesting I take my son home, and disappointing my son with his turn, set the tone. I said I love you and wish you didn't live so far away because this is driving me nuts.

 

Not a word yet. =(

 

Another reason why I felt so rejected last night is because he's working a lot of OT this week and atm I have no idea when I'll see him next or how "dead" he'll be when we do get together.

Edited April 22, 2010 by soulm8

[Rorschach]

From the explanation it sounds to me like you might've been a bit touchy that night. You may have hurt his feelings a bit as I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt yours and now probably feels a combination of being sorry he upset you but also kind of annoyed that you got mad at him. He's a guy, he'll chalk it up to the fact that you're 'on the rag' and get over it.

[soulm8]

From the explanation it sounds to me like you might've been a bit touchy that night. You may have hurt his feelings a bit as I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt yours and now probably feels a combination of being sorry he upset you but also kind of annoyed that you got mad at him. He's a guy, he'll chalk it up to the fact that you're 'on the rag' and get over it.

 

Thanks Rorschach, I hope so. Woof... I'm still touchy. He just called and right off the bat, asked me how his cranky girl is doing.

 

I feel a ton better. Amazing what a few minutes of talking can do to clear the air. He's coming here after his shift tonight, so we'll talk some more (I hope). He apologized about how crazy his job is and I told him it's not about his job at all... it's about my frustration of not having a job right now and feeling like I have no business even wishing we could live together without a proper income. I refuse to be a mooch, but this 2 households crap is driving me absolutely crazy. I miss him and hate not knowing when I'll see him next because his hours are so last minute.

[Rorschach]

Thanks Rorschach, I hope so. Woof... I'm still touchy. He just called and right off the bat, asked me how his cranky girl is doing.

 

I feel a ton better. Amazing what a few minutes of talking can do to clear the air. He's coming here after his shift tonight, so we'll talk some more (I hope). He apologized about how crazy his job is and I told him it's not about his job at all... it's about my frustration of not having a job right now and feeling like I have no business even wishing we could live together without a proper income. I refuse to be a mooch, but this 2 households crap is driving me absolutely crazy. I miss him and hate not knowing when I'll see him next because his hours are so last minute.

 

Well I'm glad it's working out, men are used to women having bad days, men have the too, just not quite as scheduled. As for teasing you when he knows your on the rag, common from goofballs everywhere, I did it to my GF too but it's all in good fun, if you're having a bad day and it's not amusing you just tell him to knock it off. The best goofballs know when they've hit their limit.

[soulm8]

Well I'm glad it's working out, men are used to women having bad days, men have the too, just not quite as scheduled. As for teasing you when he knows your on the rag, common from goofballs everywhere, I did it to my GF too but it's all in good fun, if you're having a bad day and it's not amusing you just tell him to knock it off. The best goofballs know when they've hit their limit.

 

Ya know, the teasing and taunting is one of the things I love most about him. I know it's all in fun and just remind him once in a while that I'm not used to it and rather sensitive (especially at that time of the month). My ex husband didn't tease whatsoever so this is new to me. I love it and it is amazing foreplay for me.

 

On that note, I did mention on the phone that I'd never tease him the way he teased me, knowing full well that I wouldn't be sleeping with him that night. Seems a little cruel.

 

It's all good... we're still learning each other.

[Rorschach]

As long as you realize he doesn't do it to be mean, thats probably the most important thing to remember. I'm not sure if you'd do it to him or not but girls do it to guys ALL THE TIME, girls pretty much invented teasing.

 

It's sorta cathartic for guys to do it to girls

[soulm8]

As long as you realize he doesn't do it to be mean, thats probably the most important thing to remember. I'm not sure if you'd do it to him or not but girls do it to guys ALL THE TIME, girls pretty much invented teasing.

 

It's sorta cathartic for guys to do it to girls

 

I find it refreshing and it keeps me guessing a little. Interestingly enough, I can be flirtatious but I've NEVER been a tease. It could be due to the fact that I grew up a tomboy and never wanted to be perceived as a cocktease... but I've always been very aware of "the line" as a female.

 

I do realize he's having fun and i know he loves me. I'm just raggy right now!

[CLC2008]

Taunting:

 

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/taunted

[soulm8]

Taunting:

 

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/taunted

 

"Taunting" is an inside joke between us...

 

I told him he was "taunting me" when he was rubbing himself against me one morning when there was clearly not enough time to even have a quickie before he had to leave for work. The term stuck and we regularly use "taunting" instead of teasing.

[soulm8]

He's coming here after his shift tonight, so we'll talk some more (I hope). He apologized about how crazy his job is and I told him it's not about his job at all... it's about my frustration of not having a job right now and feeling like I have no business even wishing we could live together without a proper income. I refuse to be a mooch, but this 2 households crap is driving me absolutely crazy. I miss him and hate not knowing when I'll see him next because his hours are so last minute.

 

Deep breath...

 

He didn't come over after his shift that night. He left me hanging actually, and that hurt a lot. He's done that in the past and I've told him it hurts me. When we've discussed this before, he's explained to me that his (deceased) wife and past GFs would flip out if plans changed so it became a habit of his to simply leave it alone. I've assured him that I'd rather know plans have changed than to wonder what happened til we speak again. That said, he hasn't done it in about 2 months so I thought we were past that.

 

So... that was Thursday. I didn't hear from him at all on Friday. He called on Saturday at lunch and told me he was surprised I wasn't at his place Friday night to watch the Playoffs. Apparently, he got home at 9pm and thought I'd be there? He said he was "surprised and disappointed"?? Why, I have no idea... we didn't plan it and my kids were busy with their friends (sleepovers). He asked why I didn't call him and I told him, I was waiting for him since I didn't know late he was working. He told me to call whenever I want to. I explained that I'd rather he call when he can because I don't want to bother him at work and it's just easier for him to call me when he's able to. (I always answer my cell - sometimes he doesn't/can't).

 

The conversation continued and he told me that if I haven't heard from him by 6pm, to call him. He explained that he was trying to get the job done that day (no matter how late he had to stay) because he really didn't want to work on Sunday. He'd know by 6pm if he'd be working late or continuing on Sunday.

 

6pm came and I decided to call at 6:45. My call went immediately to voicemail. I tried again an hour later, but same thing... like he had switched his phone off. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking his phone died and would call me as soon as he charged it.

 

I sent him an email, knowing he checks it before going to bed. I wrote, "Night, a quick call would have been really nice... trust is a 2 way street."

 

I figured he'd call at some point today but nothing. I tried his phone around 11am and same thing... directly to voicemail. I tried again at 7pm and I was shocked when he answered. He sounded grumpy and exhausted and when I asked how he was he told me he just got his car back and was driving home. I asked him what happened and he said, "Obviously it was towed." I told him it wasn't obvious and to call me back when he's not so grumpy... and hung up on him.

 

He hasn't called me back or replied to my email. I'm at my witt's end now. WTH?

 

I don't know if I've freaked him out with my mentioning my frustration over living separately the other day, or if he cheated on me.

 

I can't help but think it odd that he seemingly shut his phone off.

 

I'm not going to contact him again. That ball's in his court... but jeeez... what am I supposed to think?

[soulm8]

Jeez louise... yet another misunderstanding. That night he was MIA... he was actually in jail. He got busted smoking dope and was too mouthy. Why couldn't he just tell me that instead of being such as a$$?

 

Hard habits are hard to break, apparently. His wife used to fly off the handle over every little thing so he's not used to how laid back I am.

[sadintexas]

I'm LOL right now. You are laid back? As compared to whom?

 

I'm really not picking on you but understand as an outsider reading your threads of the occurences from the past few days I don't get the impression you're as laid back as you think you are.

 

Cases in point: getting upset because he's working and you don't know when you'll see him again (when you obviously spend darn near every night together); getting upset and saying things like "what a waste" because the night didn't go the way you wanted it to; getting annoyed because you had to make a beer run in exchange for a meal; getting upset because he hasn't called when you told you that you can call whenever...etc.

 

What I do see is failure to communicate appropriately. You are not being open with him about your feelings before something ugly happens. You get to the point where you get bitchy and then talk to him after the fact. There are more productive ways to get your point across.

 

Take moving in together for example. I know you would like him to propose the idea. But if it's going to bug you while you wait for this, try having a chat with him and ask him what his thoughts of living together are. Open the door to the conversation.

 

From everything you've said, the thought "passive aggressive behavior" came to my mind.

[soulm8]

Take moving in together for example. I know you would like him to propose the idea. But if it's going to bug you while you wait for this, try having a chat with him and ask him what his thoughts of living together are. Open the door to the conversation.

 

From everything you've said, the thought "passive aggressive behavior" came to my mind.

 

Passive aggressive? Really?? Wow. Interesting. I do think I'm laid back overall. For the sake of seeking perspectives, I was trying to paint the picture with as much detail as possible.

 

He hints at living together almost daily, and has told me numerous times that he needs me to help him get his finances under control. He makes good money but he spends it as quickly as he earns it.

 

It's not that he hasn't officially asked me to live with him that "bugs" me... I said that I'm frustrated over the fact that I don't have a job - because I am independent and have a preference for balance in a relationship. I've never expected a man to take care of me; not even my ex husband. We were a team. If we lived in the same household, his calls and seeing each other wouldn't be an issue... it'd be much easier to go with the flow.

 

I did mention that every now and then, during my period, I get overly sensitive and over analyse stuff in my life... this was a prime example - and we happened to have a misunderstanding along the way. Everything had been going so smoothly for a while so I panicked out of insecurity.

 

The one thing that we've come to realize is that we don't share the need to clarify/process happenings. According to him, he was fine with everything and was simply waiting for me to snap out of bitch mode... to the point of being surprised and disappointed that I wasn't coming over.

 

Due to my being over sensitive and over-thinking stuff, I allowed myself to fixate on negative assumptions (insecurity). Not knowing when he'd be home, I chose to wait for contact and invitations thinking he didn't want to see me.

 

His stand on this is that in the future, should anything similar happen, you just go with the flow and talk about it when the time's right. Because I tend to live in the present moment, and seem to need to talk about stuff in order to continue going with the flow... it's an aspect I'll have to keep in mind. I don't know if I'm making sense, but this is how I think. See the clash?

 

I have to trust him and keep any negative thoughts from spiralling because once I get "there" I get standoffish and expect the worst. It's not passive aggressive behavior, it's insecurity on my part.

 

He did mention, "You don't trust me." It was hard to hear him say that and I denied it, because I want to trust him and do for the most part. I'm just a scared girl who can get carried away by my thoughts now and then. I'm working on it.

Edited April 29, 2010 by soulm8

[sadintexas]

It's all perspective. I realize you only sliced out a week or so of a six month relationship to tell us about, but from what I read (and not saying you ARE this way all the time, just offering an unbiased opinion based on what you wrote) you came across as needy and p/a.

 

I can relate because if I start feeling insecure I start overanalyzing. That's when little things become big things to me. I've had to learn to control this. I didn't "fix" it. I still have those thoughts and feelings go through my head but I've learned to step back and process it before I react. Emotionally based reactions add up over time and do damage.

 

For example, take the night with your son at the hockey win celebration. I can totally see myself feeling and reacting the way you did at one point in my life. Today, I would have reminded him that son was waiting to sit on his shoulders. If he still blew it off, THEN I would be mad but we would have had a talk about making promises he can't keep. He should have been apologizing to you (and your son) for forgetting or failing to keep his promise. The way it went down, you ended up having to apologize to him for your behavior. You had a legitimate gripe, but the way it was handled turned it. Do you see what I mean?

 

I personally don't think people should move in together to fix a communication problem (ie him calling, etc) or any problem really because there's still opportunity for that problem to exist. The communication issue should be resolved before you move in together because moving in won't be the fix you're looking for.

[soulm8]

You had a legitimate gripe, but the way it was handled turned it. Do you see what I mean?

 

I personally don't think people should move in together to fix a communication problem (ie him calling, etc) or any problem really because there's still opportunity for that problem to exist. The communication issue should be resolved before you move in together because moving in won't be the fix you're looking for.

 

Yes, I understand what you're saying, completely. And, I wasn't suggesting we should move in together to solve the miscommunications.

 

I'm preparing to discuss our communication styles because, yet again (already), we're having another episode of this HELL. It's hell for me... he seems oblivious to it.

 

According to him, he was fine with everything and was simply waiting for me to snap out of bitch mode... to the point of being surprised and disappointed that I wasn't coming over.

 

Due to my being over sensitive and over-thinking stuff, I allowed myself to fixate on negative assumptions (insecurity). Not knowing when he'd be home, I chose to wait for contact and invitations thinking he didn't want to see me.

 

His stand on this is that in the future, should anything similar happen, you just go with the flow and talk about it when the time's right. Because I tend to live in the present moment, and seem to need to talk about stuff in order to continue going with the flow... it's an aspect I'll have to keep in mind. I don't know if I'm making sense, but this is how I think.

 

You know... it's almost as if he's sitting back and watching to see if I listen to what he says. I finally couldn't stand the "silence" and went to his place to confront him on the 28th. My head space was such that if I mean so little to him that he can't reach out to me (to return a call) that we need to call it quits. That's how upsetting his silent treatment is to me.

 

We seemingly were ok again for the rest of the week. He went to a poker tournament on Saturday night and I haven't heard from him since! WTH? I tried calling and sent him an email last night but he still hasn't called or returned my email. According to our discussion, in this situation... he wants me to just go with the flow and not overanalyze things?? Is he assuming his going to poker upset me and now he's avoiding any wrath he's used to facing from past relationships? I just don't get it! The email I sent simply asked why he's so quiet, how'd the tourney go, and if he'd be coming over to my place this week.

 

I don't know what to think. I'm going with the flow as he suggested and it's driving me nuts! My thoughts are starting to spiral toward insecurity and I feel like this is a red flag that will never get resolved. Is it too much for me to want to have my bf return a phone call within a reasonable time frame?? Is 24 hours not enough? Am I nuts to think this is a sneaky way for him to try to "condition" me so that he can have affairs?