MrNate Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Im going to have to side with most of the other people here. I've never seen this work out well. Relationships come and go, but friends are consistent. It always bothers me when someone puts some boy/girl over such a strong bond as friendship. One particular instance involved a few friends of mine. Two of them were dating at the time. Joe and Jeff were best friends. Jeff was dating C at the time. Things got a but rough and Jeff and c broke up. Joe then decided to move in. Feeling betrayed, Jeff and Joe are no longer friends, after being best friends for years. It was one of the saddest things I've ever witnessed. Joe gained something special, but lost something special. So I guess one should ask oneself, is it highly risky? You bet, relationships don't have a high longevity rate. Is the price worth paying? A lot of times, no, not at all. So I guess it's a matter of what you're willing lose in order to gain, and if the price is really worth it.
ADF Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 You may not be able to help who you fall for, but your friend may not be able to help resenting you for dating his or her ex, either. If it is worth risking a friendship over, go ahead. If it isn't, don't.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) IMO, I don't think there even needs to be that communication there. If a friend of mine did come up and say that to me, of course that would be okay, but really, they don't need my permission or my opinion. They like this person; they're probably going to hook up with them whether I like it or not, so why bother asking me what I think of it? I would trust that they know what they're getting themselves into, if my ex had screwed me over. And this is a little OT, but if the same thing ended up happening to them, I would be there as a friend to help them through it, not say "I told you so". I think the behavior of friend Z is justifiable in any case that doesn't include cheating or manipulation (sabotaging a friend's relationship, or disparaging the ex after they break up but then you go after them anyway). I think that loyalty so far as not dating someone you really like, who really likes you, just because they dated your friend or you dated their friend, is pretty ridiculous. They broke up; you were there for them in the process, held their hand, hugged them, talked with them for hours on the phone, that's being loyal, isn't it? That's being a friend, isn't it? I wouldn't want to have a friend unduly influence my dating decisions because those are mine alone to make. What a friend would do, IMO, is be supportive regardless of whether or not it works out. That doesn't mean they have no right to be angry or upset; they can rage if they want to, but their feelings in the end are theirs to deal with--not mine, not their ex's. Edit: I thought about CM's earlier post, about "siding with the friend or the ex", and really--why does it have to be that way? Why do people have to take sides? I think that's so stupid. I never, ever take sides in a breakup. I comfort my friends, I'm there for them, but I always say that "A lot of times things just don't work out, now you can find someone better." I never disparage an ex or make them feel that one of them was better or worse than the other. I treat them as equals because 99% of the time, I don't even know both sides of the story. I doubt that most people who've posted know both sides of the story either. So why take sides? Edited April 22, 2010 by tigressA
JohnP82 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Out of all the other people in the world to date your friend's ex and risk losing a friendship over it, when relationships usually don't last, seems quite honestly stupid. I would never do it and I think most guys would not either.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) Well then I guess that's where you and I differ. Unless there's a reasonable consensus, or if I actually give the blessing for a friend to go after one of my exes, any friend dating an ex is in some way or another telling the ex that what they did to the friend, whatever it may have been, was acceptable. How exactly does this work? Simple. By dating the friend's ex, you are contributing to the happiness and well-being of the ex. The ex is not going through the shunning or the negative social consequences that he/she most likely deserves depending on what he/she did. A friend should not be a source of comfort and happiness for the ex. The ex can seek a happy and fulfilled life elsewhere, but I could not imagine contributing to it if she had screwed over one of my friends. I, unfortunately, surrounded myself with an individual who did not feel this way. I for one am glad that the majority seems to be in tune with what I'm saying. Edited April 22, 2010 by TheBigQuestion
Crazy Magnet Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I side with my friends b/c when they are there sobbing in front of me, hurt, it's my job to console them and love them as my friends, not to belittle their pain or say "oh, there's other fish out there." That's not what someone wants to hear in a break up. The friend wants to go on and on about the guy or girl and how miserable and sad they are. It's my job to sit there, listen, and validate their feelings. That's what friends do. Or that's how my circle of friends operate for one another. None of us really have any family support, so we become each others family and friendships can run as deep as any blood relation that I've ever had. My circle of friends isn't the type to flit from man to man and we typically don't have relationships that only last a few months. We get into things that have real connection and often last years. Why would you want to date a man that your close friend dated for years? You would know so many intimate details of their relationship that when the guy started doing the same sweet things/sexy things/or just plain things in your relationship there's no way you would feel as special knowing he had already done all of that for her. Let's all face the fact that we repeat sweet gestures in subsequent relationships. There's a big difference in a friend dating a guy you hooked up with for a few months and dating someone you were deeply in love with. No matter how "mutual" the break up, both parties are going to be hurt when real love ends. It's a personal value for me. I would never do anything to cause my friends even the most remote pain or discomfort. The older we get, the messier love and break ups get. I think as you age you'll see what we're all talking about and why that rule is generally in place.
sally4sara Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 You can't help who you end up falling for, and this "friends of exes are off-limits" rule has always been BS to me. I think real friendship should be able to withstand that sort of thing. If you show your ex that you're really moving on, then it'll force them to move on too. If you allow their feelings about the breakup to affect your decisions in your dating life, then you're allowing them to hold onto hope and justifying their guilt-trips. If they can't handle it, then it's their problem--not yours, not their friend's. I see no point in feeling guilty in situations like this. Thoughts? This depends on how close they are to the friend you start dating. The lack of your presence also helps them move on. If you start dating their best friend/roommate, you will be around a lot and if can keep them from moving on. They might stop wanting you back because you dated their friend, but they can still not be able to move past the hurt of the break up. Every time they see you, they are reminded of it and the hurt associated will be refreshed.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I side with my friends b/c when they are there sobbing in front of me, hurt, it's my job to console them and love them as my friends, not to belittle their pain or say "oh, there's other fish out there." That's not what someone wants to hear in a break up. The friend wants to go on and on about the guy or girl and how miserable and sad they are. It's my job to sit there, listen, and validate their feelings. That's what friends do. Or that's how my circle of friends operate for one another. None of us really have any family support, so we become each others family and friendships can run as deep as any blood relation that I've ever had. You've made some good points, but I have to say that I never belittled any of my friends' pain. I've done everything to support them in breakups, like what you've said here--I listen to them, I console them, I love them as my friends--as well as encourage them by saying that not everything works out all the time and that *with time*, they'll find someone even better, because that is basically what happens most if not all of the time anyway. I don't say those things in hopes that they'll shut up and they won't bother me with their pain anymore. I encourage them to let it all out while also keeping things positive/encouraging them to begin the process of moving on. I don't think of saying things like that as belittling their pain.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I'm not sure if it's really an age thing though. I'm in the same age group as tigressA and don't really share her viewpoint. I should mention though that I agree that there's a certain statute of limitation for these things. If a friend of yours starts dating a girl you dated for a few months 7 summers ago, obviously it would be a little ridiculous to get angry over it.
Author tigressA Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 I should mention though that I agree that there's a certain statute of limitation for these things. If a friend of yours starts dating a girl you dated for a few months 7 summers ago, obviously it would be a little ridiculous to get angry over it. Definitely agreed with you on that one. And I think someone mentioned earlier in the thread that if your friend or your ex has become engaged to or married someone else. No way in h*ll then should anyone be getting pissed off.
Mutant Debutante Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Sorry, hope I didn't derail your original point. I think there are too many variables to make a big blanket statement about this kind of thing. And I've never been big on living according to 'rules'. But in general, I wouldn't touch my friends' exes with a 10-ft-pole. My exes' friends, idk, maybe. I can't really imagine that happening but so far I've never liked any of my bf's friends so I don't really know. But I owe a lot to my friends, and I owe them sympathy and understanding and loyalty, and putting them first over an atttraction. I wouldn't owe as much to an ex-bf esp. if we didn't break up well, although I do think it would be really tacky to make a habit of it and possibly cruel. I don't think you're a robot. I do wonder if you've ever really been in love, but maybe you have. Maybe you're emotionally more like a polygamist than a monogamist. The one example you bring up though of your friend dating your ex, you said you were with him only a few months, so I'm guessing it wasn't that serious. I think that's one of the variables. Acquaintance and short relationship with amicable breakup, that's probably fine, and probably wouldn't bother me either. Good solid family-type friend and serious ex who meant the world to me at one point, that's a line that probably shouldn't be crossed. If the friendship is really meaningful to you.
Pfiend101 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Short answer NO. Long answer... ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Author tigressA Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 One question I have is in regard to the idea that "If the friendship really matters to you, you wouldn't do something like that." If the friendship really matters to your friend, then wouldn't it do for them to accept your choice/not hold it against you? I just think it goes both ways.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 One question I have is in regard to the idea that "If the friendship really matters to you, you wouldn't do something like that." If the friendship really matters to your friend, then wouldn't it do for them to accept your choice/not hold it against you? I just think it goes both ways. The situations aren't really equal. When you use the example that I posted on the previous page, it's Z's actions that are potentially damaging to the friendship, not X's. Therefore, it isn't X's responsibility to be "understanding." I hopefully didn't misread what you meant here. I think you might have worded it awkwardly.
counterman Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I think there is a gray area with this. You can't help who you fall for... that seems like an excuse a friend would use to justify why they go out with your ex. Not saying it isn't true. In all honesty, there are other fish in the sea. It doesn't have to be one of my friend's ex. However, if one of my friend actually respects me, he will tell me his intentions and whatnot, instead of trying to cover things up and flaunt it in my face when things are official. From my experience, one of my so-called "friends", and even had the nerve to call himself my best friend, flirted with my girlfriend when we were together. Guess who she ends up going out with after our break-up? Guess who decides to rub it into my face? So, I am a bit biased on this matter and it is a bit touchy. In all honesty, I don't care that they are dating because I learnt of the true identity of my ex, however the sheer deceptiveness of it all and the lies upon lies that were told, it's just not worth it. Go figure, is he really my friend then? Of course not.
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