tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) You can't help who you end up falling for, and this "friends of exes are off-limits" rule has always been BS to me. I think real friendship should be able to withstand that sort of thing. If you show your ex that you're really moving on, then it'll force them to move on too. If you allow their feelings about the breakup to affect your decisions in your dating life, then you're allowing them to hold onto hope and justifying their guilt-trips. If they can't handle it, then it's their problem--not yours, not their friend's. I see no point in feeling guilty in situations like this. Thoughts? Edited April 22, 2010 by tigressA
TouchedByViolet Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 There is definitely grey area when it comes to dating friends of exs but how close of a friend are we talking about? Like the best friend of an ex? In that case I would say disaster is guaranteed to result.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I'm talking about any kind of friend. Edit: Whoo, 900 posts!
xRJ85x Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I agree with the whole falling in love part, but you just can't do it if you respect your friend at all.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 What about the exes' of friends? That too. I have a friend who fell for one of my exes. Things didn't work out between them, but I didn't get all pissed off at her for trying it. Sure, there are "plenty of fish in the sea", but as I said, if the chemistry is there, why not try it? I acted as a friend; I supported her, and if anything it forced me to move on from the relationship even faster, which was great.
stillafool Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 The only time I would think it would be okay to date a friends ex would be if that friend had gone on to marry someone else. Otherwise there are too many men in the world to hurt a friend.
Stockalone Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 You can't help who you end up falling for, and this "friends of exes are off-limits" rule has always been BS to me. I think real friendship should be able to withstand that sort of thing. ... Thoughts? This rule, as well as similar other ones, exist for a reason and should be obeyed.
ReadyforLove Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Otherwise there are too many men in the world to hurt a friend. I agree with this.
Crazy Magnet Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I see no need to complicate my life, so I would never date a friend of an ex, but I tend to date outside of my social circle because I find it makes everything less complicated in the event of a break up. I have, however, had an ex who dated several girls who were all friends with each other (I was one of those girls) and in the end it bit him in the ass big time. Not a single person in our social circle speaks to him anymore. He lost all of his friends. We just got sick of looking at him and booted him out of the group.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 The ex's of friends is the only situation I'm really experienced in, and I'd say no, in most cases, it's not alright to do this. Look at it this way. How good of a friend would you be if you started dating someone who dated your friend and then screwed your friend over? By dating that person, you are explicitly condoning and congratulating that person for screwing over your friend. This exact thing happened to me and I can't fathom how anyone with any sense of loyalty or friendship would condone such actions.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 How good of a friend would you be if you started dating someone who dated your friend and then screwed your friend over? By dating that person, you are explicitly condoning and congratulating that person for screwing over your friend. This exact thing happened to me and I can't fathom how anyone with any sense of loyalty or friendship would condone such actions. I really don't see it that way. And if a friend were to really think that I'd be "explicitly condoning and congratulating" someone for "screwing over a friend", IMO they've got issues they need to work out that have nothing to do with me.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 That's not to say that there aren't gray areas. If there is open communication between you, your friend, and his/her ex whom you want to date, then it might be more acceptable. But lets face it. In either situation, friends of ex's or ex's of friends, people usually don't start hooking up in any straightforward or honorable fashion. It usually involves some degree of hiding, back-stabbing, dodging questions, cowardice, etc. As someone who consistently tries to keep those behaviors at a bare minimum, I would be hard pressed to ever find myself in either situations. There are greater things in life than being impulsive and acting on "but omg I liek him/her soooo much" type-feelings.
northstar1 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 You can't help who you end up falling for, and this "friends of exes are off-limits" rule has always been BS to me. I think real friendship should be able to withstand that sort of thing. If you show your ex that you're really moving on, then it'll force them to move on too. If you allow their feelings about the breakup to affect your decisions in your dating life, then you're allowing them to hold onto hope and justifying their guilt-trips. If they can't handle it, then it's their problem--not yours, not their friend's. I see no point in feeling guilty in situations like this. Thoughts? I call BS on your post! Say you date a guy for a few years and then you have a messy breakup. Tears are spilled, sleep is lost. You confide all your feelings to your friends. A month later you see your ex out on a date with one of these good friends or dormmate of yours. How do you react?
TheBigQuestion Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I really don't see it that way. And if a friend were to really think that I'd be "explicitly condoning and congratulating" someone for "screwing over a friend", IMO they've got issues they need to work out that have nothing to do with me. Then what exactly do you see it as? How else do you describe a situation like that?
Crazy Magnet Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I've always sided with my friends in break ups, because....well....they are my friends and that's what you do. By dating their ex you are basically siding with the ex. To me, I value my friendships over any romantic relationship and it's not worth me causing any waves. I would never date anyone who dated within my immediate circle of friends. I would consider dating someone who dated an acquaintance if the relationship ended years before. Otherwise I see no point. For me, it's a matter of respect. Others may view it differently.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 That's not to say that there aren't gray areas. If there is open communication between you, your friend, and his/her ex whom you want to date, then it might be more acceptable. What constitutes open communication, exactly? Would you need to "get permission" from your friend or your ex? Tell your friend or your ex that you like this particular person?
Crazy Magnet Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 How close of "friends" are talking about here?
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I call BS on your post! Say you date a guy for a few years and then you have a messy breakup. Tears are spilled, sleep is lost. You confide all your feelings to your friends. A month later you see your ex out on a date with one of these good friends or dormmate of yours. How do you react? In an earlier post I did mention a friend of mine who I am still very close with who pursued an ex of mine who I had dated for a few months, and I was fine with it. The situation you've proposed seems a bit extreme, and yeah, I can't say I wouldn't be upset *at first*, but in the end I would be okay with it. They're both independent people; I have no say in who they can and can't date. I would accept it. EDIT: CM, I posted earlier that I'm talking about any kind of friend, any degree of closeness.
northstar1 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 In an earlier post I did mention a friend of mine who I am still very close with who pursued an ex of mine who I had dated for a few months, and I was fine with it. The situation you've proposed seems a bit extreme, and yeah, I can't say I wouldn't be upset *at first*, but in the end I would be okay with it. They're both independent people; I have no say in who they can and can't date. I would accept it. EDIT: CM, I posted earlier that I'm talking about any kind of friend, any degree of closeness. Then you haven't been truly in love yet Tigress.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Then you haven't been truly in love yet Tigress. So now it's down to telling me that I've never experienced true love? How do you know this?
northstar1 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 So now it's down to telling me that I've never experienced true love? How do you know this? Because I don't know a single person, other than you, that would be in love, suffer a bad breakup and not have a real problem with a good friend then dating their ex. You've either never truly been in love, or you are a robot
TheBigQuestion Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I've always sided with my friends in break ups, because....well....they are my friends and that's what you do. By dating their ex you are basically siding with the ex. Exactly. This is what I meant by "explicitly condoning and congratulating their behavior." Suppose you have three people, X,Y, and Z. X dates Y for a bit. Y eventually screws over X. Assume it's not a friendly, mutual breakup (hint: it almost never is with most people anyway). They break up. Z is X's close friend. Z is well aware that Y screwed over X. Z starts hooking up with Y anyway. When Z starts dating Y, how exactly is it NOT saying "hey, I know you screwed my friend over, but I'm going to start hooking up with you because I can't help myself, even though I may or may not have other options, and the fact that you are capable of doing some pretty awful things for your own crazy selfish reasons, the fact that I've been friends with my buddy X longer than I've known you, has no bearing on anything?" The situation described above is basically what happened to me, and if someone here can convincingly negate it, I'd say you deserve a really high academic prize. You'd also surprise me, as no one whom I've told my story to (people I've known in person as well as complete strangers) has ever sympathized with Z and Y instead of X (me).
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Exactly. This is what I meant by "explicitly condoning and congratulating their behavior." Suppose you have three people, X,Y, and Z. X dates Y for a bit. Y eventually screws over X. Assume it's not a friendly, mutual breakup (hint: it almost never is with most people anyway). They break up. Z is X's close friend. Z is well aware that Y screwed over X. Z starts hooking up with Y anyway. When Z starts dating Y, how exactly is it NOT saying "hey, I know you screwed my friend over, but I'm going to start hooking up with you because I can't help myself, even though I may or may not have other options, and the fact that you are capable of doing some pretty awful things for your own crazy selfish reasons, the fact that I've been friends with my buddy X longer than I've known you, has no bearing on anything?" The situation described above is basically what happened to me, and if someone here can convincingly negate it, I'd say you deserve a really high academic prize. You'd also surprise me, as no one whom I've told my story to (people I've known in person as well as complete strangers) has ever sympathized with Z and Y instead of X (me). I'm not trying to negate your feelings on the matter or your situation, just stating my opinion. People are free to agree or disagree. I've noticed that basically, so far all have disagreed, and I figured that would happen since the off-limits "rule" is commonly practiced/adhered to. I'd like an answer to the question I asked on what constitutes "open communication" between you, the friend, and the ex.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Perhaps I made it too personal. The fact is, that little schematic I wrote out could apply to anyone (and I'm sure it does for many, many people). Try to forget about my feelings on the manner. I'd just like to hear how you (or anyone who wants to chime in of course) would justify the behavior of friend Z. I'm genuinely curious because I haven't ever heard anyone do so. As far as open communication, probably something along the lines of: "Hey listen dude/dudette, I know you dated this person for a while and I know they kind of screwed you over pretty bad. But I have to admit that I have a thing for them, and I really think they have a thing for me. I've been thinking about maybe starting to see them. What are your thoughts?" Now, depending on the person, the response could be reasonable, or angry, or could simply result in a punch right to the face. Knowing myself, I'd be reasonable but certainly a bit angry below the surface. I'd probably respond with something like "Well, you know what you're getting yourself into. She did (insert crappy stuff here), and don't forget this is the person with whom you are dealing." I'm reasonable enough to know that I don't have the power to "forbid" anything. At the very most I would say (and in fact did say) something like "well I'd appreciate it if you backed off just for a little bit because these things happened very recently, and there's a lot of bad blood that hasn't been properly worked out." The primary difference between this approach and an approach with less (or less honest) communication is a matter of respect. The bottom line is, in my own situation, I probably wouldn't have been THAT much happier/more accepting of the situation, but I would've at the very least had an enormous amount of respect for the friend who actively sought out my thoughts on the situation.
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