heartmonster Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Ive been dating and living with my bf for about 3 years and everything was great until he suggested a threesome. I dont really like girls, but I agreed to do it for him because he said it was something he really "needed". Needless to say the whole thing was a horrible experince,. and we decided to never touch that subject again. Ever since that happened i have been completely paranoid because i know he isnt satisfied in that department and there is nothing i can do to help. He isnt really interested in having sex with me anymore,. and it is something i kind of understand because it has become a routine which isnt fun. Ive also started going through his things,. because he seems so unhappy., and have found out that he is talking to his x girlfriends again, he has been extremely over friendly with mutual friends of ours....and has also been looking at an extreme large amount of escort adds online(i havent confronted him about this yet.. i dont even know if i should),,. he seems to be in search for an escort that lives around our area. I really dont know what to do,. every time i try talking about the sex problem to come up with a solution,. he doesnt want to talk and we end up arguing and because of that we are alwways just bitter and unhappy around each other now. Im not looking to break up because i have been divorced before and I feel that every relationship has problems and the key is to learn how to deal with them. the relationship ive worked so hard at for years now is falling appart... and it is heartbreaking. if anyone has any advice please help me.
Green Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 How did he find the girl for the threesome? Did you find her, was it a friend or ex of his? What kind of stuff were done during the threesome? Did you 2 just have sex with another naked girl in the room? Or did you have sex with the girl and then he had sex with her? The threesome alone broke a lot of boundaries but it also seems like this other stuff is breaking boundaries. You should talk to him and try to get on the same page as far as what is ok and not ok. This relationship might be hurting you and maybe it would be better to leave him.
TaraMaiden Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Oh, you're not going to like me... It's not falling apart. At all. it's way beyond that and fallen apart already. so many boundaries crossed, so much compromised. I'm going to touch on something personal: Buddhism has 5 precepts (or guiding principles) that Buddhists vow to try to adhere to and do their best to uphold. the Third Precept, is to vow to refrain or abstain from improper or inappropriate sexual conduct. Well, what does that mean? Very simply, it means this: If we participate in an intimate sexual act that trivialises or ignores the comfort, ease and free will of another being, and places them in a situation of disadvantage and uneasiness, making them do something they feel they would rather not do - that's covered by this Precept. It's a lack of respect and deprivation of dignity. He placed you in a position of doing something that deprived you of your self-respect and dignity. He disrespected you. You did this for him, and really, that was your mistake. However, chances are, if you'd refused... what is happening now would still be happening, because he would feel you had slighted him, and disregarded his desires. This cannot be repaired, because he is not willing to repair it. Effectively, this is finished. There is no Trust, no Communication and no Respect. the three fundamental, vital and essential qualities so necessary to support and strengthen a relationship. There is no Effort or Commitment in his attitude. And you can't do this for him, or even for both of you. I fear this is over.
Author heartmonster Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I realized agreeing to the threesome was a complete mistake from my part after i did it.., but I guess we learn from mistakes,. GREEN:The girl that joined us was actually a very close friend of mine but not really a friend of his,.. the only rules in the threesome were basically using protection,. and no kissing between them or anything that i view as signs of making love and not just sex. I am kinda scared to confront him about it all. TARAMAIDEN:thank you for being so honest and specific.,, I agree with all that you said,. but the reason why i havent left this broken relationship besides the fact that i love him and want to make it work., is because I agreed to the threesome. shortly after the whole threesome deal .., he said he was thinking about going to therapy because he knows its wrong that he pushed me to do that and he was sorry and he thought he needed professional help to help him stop thinking about other women... but the problem is he hasnt gone to therapy and im finding out all these other things i just dont know what to do. VIOLET: i know... its a curse!
TaraMaiden Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 TARAMAIDEN:thank you for being so honest and specific.,, I agree with all that you said,. but the reason why i havent left this broken relationship besides the fact that i love him and want to make it work., is because I agreed to the threesome. shortly after the whole threesome deal .., he said he was thinking about going to therapy because he knows its wrong that he pushed me to do that and he was sorry and he thought he needed professional help to help him stop thinking about other women... but the problem is he hasnt gone to therapy and im finding out all these other things i just dont know what to do. First of all, it's good that you take responsibility for your actions, and you've admitted this three or four times. but he must bear both responsibility and blame for this, because had he not mentioned, nor pushed for this, then you would not probably be in the situation you find yourself in, now. I regret to say this, but I think this is a trend amongst many men, bless them. All talk and no action. well, as has been said on this forum many times, Actions speak louder than words. And if he's not prepared to put his money where his mouth is, then all his talk actually says nothing. I would consider giving him an ultimatum (in whichever way you wish to phrase it): Either you work together and make equal effort to repair this problem, and build on it to make your relationship stronger - whatever it takes - Or you cannot see how this relationship will survive much longer. It's come to the crunch. Something's got to give. You rather hope it's the self-destructive pattern, rather than the relationship you could have. Try that, if you like. But although it should give you hope, don't expect miracles. And if he won't step up to the plate - then you have your answer.
Author heartmonster Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 thank you . I really need to get the guts to confront him..,. i hate confrontation and i reallyy reallly hate fighting ,. what should i do in terms of making our relationship more enjoyable after we talk.,or while he attends therapy..(if he decides to go) how can i be sure he is ever satisfied again? how does anyone recommend I spice up our sex life without hurting myself or us.
TaraMaiden Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 You do nothing but be supportive - providing he steps up to the plate and does his share. Don't think of doing anything to 'spice things up' whilst he's in a mess. It could have a counter-effect, or even confuse his progress. And as for hurting you or 'you both'... remember how doing whatever manifests, makes you feel. Happy? Relaxed? Willing? Unsettled? Ill-at-ease? Uncomfortable? Which would you opt for? However: Remember that sex isn't the be-all and end-all of a relationship. Far more important is being on the same wavelength. If you can't achieve that, no amount of 'good sex' will ever be that good.
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