Cant let go - everyone!

[LK30]

Hi all

 

I've written on here a few times, but I'm still struggling since me and my gf split at start of Feb.

 

I know she has a right to move on, but i've done NC and not heard from her since. I've held back from messaging her and I've done the usual like keep busy, socialise etc etc.

 

This morning I took a different route to work (by car) and I saw her coming the other way in her car. I know it's not her usual route to work, so instantly I felt awful as inevitably she has been staying at someone else's house last night and I know all her friends don't live in that direction.

 

So it looks like she has a new bloke, and I have been feeling terrible all day. For some reason I just can't let go even tho I really wasnt that happy when we were together. I just feel awful stuck at home while no doubt she's having 'you know, fun' and it's making me REALLY jealous.

 

Starting to wonder if I'm depressed. Can anyone offer some advice as I really shouldnt be feeling this way :-(

[annxxdisaster]

I don't really think there is anyone who can't let go of a broken relationship, there are only the people who don't want to yet.

 

It may hurt like hell but it's still comfortable. When you're ready to let yourself get past it, you will.

[GrayClouds]

It has only been 3 months, so be be kind to yourself, keeping all the right things and give it some more time. In the mean time make sure you are eating, exercising and sleeping regularly.

[KewlBum]

It has only been 3 months, so be be kind to yourself, keeping all the right things and give it some more time. In the mean time make sure you are eating, exercising and sleeping regularly.

I'm kinda in the same boat as the OP. It's been 2 months for me instead of his 3. I'm just wondering how long this pain will last. I mean, I know it's different for everyone, but two months have gone by and if I have improved at all then it is just very little. I'm so afraid that this pain and sadness will last like a whole year or something...

[skydiveaddict]

I'm kinda in the same boat as the OP. It's been 2 months for me instead of his 3. I'm just wondering how long this pain will last. I mean, I know it's different for everyone, but two months have gone by and if I have improved at all then it is just very little. I'm so afraid that this pain and sadness will last like a whole year or something...

 

 

 

It may very well last a whole year. no way to know. I'm 5 months into it and it still hurts.

[GrayClouds]

I'm kinda in the same boat as the OP. It's been 2 months for me instead of his 3. I'm just wondering how long this pain will last. I mean, I know it's different for everyone, but two months have gone by and if I have improved at all then it is just very little. I'm so afraid that this pain and sadness will last like a whole year or something...

 

Not to sound like some wacko late night TV preacher with perfect blow dried hair and a $2000 suit:

http://www.boingboing.net/images/37946376_cbc537cb90.jpg

 

but it is important to understand the question is not how long the pain will last but what you are going to do with the pain. It can help you become a better you. What are you doing to get stronger?

[KewlBum]

Not to sound like some wacko late night TV preacher with perfect blow dried hair and a $2000 suit:

http://www.boingboing.net/images/37946376_cbc537cb90.jpg

 

but it is important to understand the question is not how long the pain will last but what you are going to do with the pain. It can help you become a better you. What are you doing to get stronger?

How can I turn this pain to become a better me?

I'm just trying to cope...day by day

[skydiveaddict]

you just live with it. that alone will make you a better person. Also, it will fade w/time

[GrayClouds]

How can I turn this pain to become a better me?

I'm just trying to cope...day by day

 

Do the following to fight the pain, if you do I guarantee you will be amazed at the person you become:

 

Caliguy's Wise Word;

 

FOCUS ON YOU: Allow for the normal grieving process, of course. How long it takes it completely dependent on you. The period of NO CONTACT will go a long way toward helping you focus on yourself and your healing. It doesn't matter what your ex is doing right now or who they are seeing. You need to let go of things you have no control over and unfortunately in your case, you are no longer dating so all you have left is you.

 

RE-ACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH FRIENDS: Pick up your phone book or email list and start making contact with friends you haven't hung out with lately. Get out of the house and go hang out with them. Right now you're feeling down and out and a little quality time with your friends will go a long way towards healing your spirit. Do talk about the relationship with them if you wish, but don't dwell on it. If they are friends with your ex, realize anything you say (good or bad) will get back to them. Focus more on what they did to get over and ex and listen to any positive advice they give you. Primarily though you want to invest the time with friends to get your mind OFF your ex and more on fun and bonding. Make new friends as well.

 

GET TO THE GYM: It's a proven fact that no drug works better at getting someone out of depression faster than endorphins. I do not believe the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else." If your head is not in the right place, some meaningless sex will only make you miss the ex even more. While you have the feeling of being lonely, sex isn't the answer. At least not right now. Companionship is what you are missing and in the interim, talk to you friends and work out.

 

DIVE INTO HOBBIES: Now that you have some free time on your hands, rather than sitting around at home feeling sorry for yourself, engage your mind. Do something you've always wanted to do as a hobby. Fly model airplanes, take up hiking or mountain climbing, start biking, take a college course in computers, play video games. Your mind can usually only focus on one thing at one time. Keeping your mind engaged on hobbies will take it off your ex.

 

PUT THE DRINK/DRUGS DOWN: Yes, it's ok to occasionally go out with friends and have a drink, but don't over-do it. Drinking heavily leads to depression which will not only delay your healing process, but quite possibly throw you into an un-recoverable downward spiral. Not only that but it will put you out of shape and you will lose any gains from working out.

 

REBUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM: It's normal to be dumped and have your self-esteem and confidence take a hit. Those who recover the fastest are those who have the strongest self of self-worth. Many relationships end in failure and not all of us were meant to be together. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you focus on your needs and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, the sooner you will recover - and be stronger.

 

UNDERSTAND WHAT WENT WRONG: Instead of focusing on what your Ex did to cause the demise of the relationship, focus on learning a lesson and improving where you can. If you became clingy, then rebuild your confidence. Understand that you don't NEED someone in your life. You can and will live fine without them. You must never NEED someone, only want them. I can not emphasize personal improvement enough. Almost every aspect of our life in regards to success can be directly attributed to our confidence and self-esteem. At healthy levels, we will find much success in everything we do. When the levels are below healthy, we often find failure. Not because of the situation, but because of how we viewed ourselves.

 

LEARN BOUNDARIES: Boundaries are essential for anyone with healthy confidence, self respect and self-esteem. Learn to make boundaries clear from the start of a relationship and have repercussions for crossing them. When you set a boundary, it is imperative for you to follow through on your actions. Boundaries are not just for relationships. They are essential at home, at work and throughout your life.

 

It is not easy but the hard you work at it they more you get from it.

Edited April 23, 2010 by GrayClouds

[undisclosed]

It's only been a month for me and I had the exact same thoughts. There are times where I feel extremely depressed and it just did not feel normal to me that the pain would go on this long. I think he is seeing other people or someone else too, and it killed me (I understand I have no choice in what he does now, but still sucks!). I too have plenty to focus on, but it has really messed with my brain. I really thought I was going nuts and considered seeking professional help. Everyone says these are normal reactions to heartbreak, but OH GOSH! I really do hope it gets better and doesn't last the whole year. Thank you for your post, at least I can find comfort knowing that if it persists beyond this month it's not just me. Hang in there! I realized I was willing to compromise more than him and basically settle had I stayed. So just remember that it has to get better and be thankful for the opportunity to learn from this (I have to keep reminding myself of this).

[LK30]

Hey guys

 

Thanks for your replies about this issue. It's definitely a tricky one, and it's Friday night right now and I expect the ex will be dolling herself up to go off out with her bf right now whilst I sit here trying to sort myself out. No doubt she's well over it and would laugh if she knew how I was acting right now!! (and take some satisfaction!)

 

Well I've signed up to the gym and have my induction Tues and am waiting on a counselling assessment to see if that would help. So, I am taking some positive steps, and if these don't help then nothing will!!

 

Wish me luck!!

[GrayClouds]

Hey guys

 

Thanks for your replies about this issue. It's definitely a tricky one, and it's Friday night right now and I expect the ex will be dolling herself up to go off out with her bf right now whilst I sit here trying to sort myself out. No doubt she's well over it and would laugh if she knew how I was acting right now!! (and take some satisfaction!)

 

Well I've signed up to the gym and have my induction Tues and am waiting on a counselling assessment to see if that would help. So, I am taking some positive steps, and if these don't help then nothing will!!

 

Wish me luck!!

 

Congratulation man every littel step you take is one in which your telling yourself you matter, you have worth, and you deserves someone who knows that as well as you do. Hang in there, there is always some bad days but in time the good days start to out weigh them.

 

Now if you find yourself thinking about the ex try to stop yourself. Go for a run, jump up and down, call a friend or family. Remember thinking depressing things wil only make you feel depressed. It no longer matter what she does it only matters what your going to do. You feel her sneaking into your head asked yourself that question and then go do it.

 

Keep up the good effort it will pay off.

[LK30]

Thanks Grayclouds - perhaps you should change your username to bluesky as you're a positive thinker!

 

Getting over ex's has always been a problem for me and I am fearing going through it all again, but I suppose we just have to take that risk. One day I'll meet the right girl - or so people tell me!

[jlr]

I expect the ex will be dolling herself up to go off out with her bf right now whilst I sit here trying to sort myself out.

 

Your approach is the healthier one, hers isn't. Take comfort in knowing that while she jumps to failed relationship after failed relationship, you're sorting yourself out for a good one.

 

Keep your head up.

[LK30]

Cheers jlr.

 

All i can do is try coz at the moment i'm not getting sorted enough so I dont have any choice but to try more things! Why do girls move on so fast? I can see myself being single a loooooong time now lol!!

[LK30]

Yuck, I still can't move on. I'm just not able to stop thinking about her. I don't think I really even want to be with her, i've just got into the habit of thinking about her.

 

I often drive past where she works as it's on my route to work, and I see her car parked up. Unfortunately every other car on the road seems to be the same as hers, so I get constant reminders!

 

I just can't seem to shake this off - I wish I had just stayed with her now as being slightly unhappy in a r'ship is better than being very unhappy without her :-(

[sean1970]

Not to sound like some wacko late night TV preacher with perfect blow dried hair and a $2000 suit:

http://www.boingboing.net/images/37946376_cbc537cb90.jpg

 

Only GC could get away with posting a pic of the farting preacher...