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It finally happened, my husband had sex with the other woman today. New emails?

edith

By edith
in Infidelity

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edith Established Member

edith

Posted
Posted

This morning, my husband finally had sex with his mistress, after having an emotional affair for 1.5 years. I have not confronted him but plan to soon. I'm still worried that he might have feelings for her, but torn. Here's what the new emails say:

 

*He tells her she was AMAZING in bed

 

*They spend a lot of time discussing their families, at the same time. She also has a child the same age as our youngest

 

*He tells her all the cute things our kids do, how HE watches them on weekends, how often they go out, he makes them breakfast

 

*When she says she's torn over whether or not to go back to work, he mentions that he wishes I didn't work, so she's doing the right thing and should wait until her kid grows up to go back to work

 

*He gives her advice on where to go with her husband on date night (???)

 

*She finds that amusing and he says "I hope we can do that... There's no other way to do it, it's the only way" (then ":(" (meaning that the spouses shouldn't become an issue) and she says "Yes, with small kids like ours...." and he agrees.

 

Does it sound like he has feelings for her? And that he's trying to keep them at bay? Or does he only want her for sex, since he encouraged her to go out with her husband?

2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted

It sounds like every other affair. He wants both, he wants her on the side for sex, an ego feed, and small talk. He would not think of leaving you for her. She could be anyone but yeah, they are friends and they are having sex - an affair.

califnan Established Member

califnan

Posted
Posted

Edith,

 

I apologize that I have not followed your thread closely enough to know your Own situation. But when I see things like this, where the wife is being held an emotional captive, all I can think of is for Your exit plan: If you do not have a job, get schooling toward what you wish to pursue as a financial living. Work on your exit plan. The sinning that your husband is doing, has nothing to do with your future. You are the one who must work in that direction.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Well, it always comes to this:

The BS always asks all manner of questions about their WS and the OW/OM...

 

and they rarely look at this in the right way.

 

The big question is not so much what's happening with them.

 

The big question is: what are YOU going to do about it?

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edith Established Member

edith

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I understand that's the big question, but my husband's feelings are a BIG question in my view. The biggest. I do have an exit plan, I just haven't implemented it yet. And until now I thought he had feelings for her but now I think he only wants her for sex, because why else would he encourage her marriage with her husband? And do you think they meant, in that exchange, that they're only with their spouses for the children?

 

( I took it to mean that they can ONLY have a sexual affair and shouldn't let feelings - of jealousy, in this case - get in the way, because that would mean emotional involvement they can't afford because we have small kids, as she put it. But the fact that he had a "sad face" next to it gave me doubts. as in ":(" )

bittersweet memories Established Member

bittersweet memories

Posted
Posted
This morning, my husband finally had sex with his mistress, after having an emotional affair for 1.5 years. I have not confronted him but plan to soon. I'm still worried that he might have feelings for her, but torn. Here's what the new emails say:

 

*He tells her she was AMAZING in bed

 

*They spend a lot of time discussing their families, at the same time. She also has a child the same age as our youngest

 

*He tells her all the cute things our kids do, how HE watches them on weekends, how often they go out, he makes them breakfast

 

*When she says she's torn over whether or not to go back to work, he mentions that he wishes I didn't work, so she's doing the right thing and should wait until her kid grows up to go back to work

 

*He gives her advice on where to go with her husband on date night (???)

 

*She finds that amusing and he says "I hope we can do that... There's no other way to do it, it's the only way" (then ":(" (meaning that the spouses shouldn't become an issue) and she says "Yes, with small kids like ours...." and he agrees.

 

Does it sound like he has feelings for her? And that he's trying to keep them at bay? Or does he only want her for sex, since he encouraged her to go out with her husband?

 

 

Why havent you confronted him?

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

Posted
Posted

 

Does it sound like he has feelings for her? And that he's trying to keep them at bay? Or does he only want her for sex, since he encouraged her to go out with her husband?

 

Yes, he does have feelings for her: the sort of feelings that allow for him to stay married as well. In other words, he might love her but it wouldn't necessarily make him want to divorce you. He does want her for sex. Sex is an integral part of any intimate relationship. He likely encouraged her to go out with her husband as a way to remind her of the limited capacity of their relationship.

 

I'm not really sure why it matters if he has feelings for her or not. He is having an affair either way. If you are going to leave, you may as well go ahead. Are you waiting for something?

2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted

I would not worry about his planning on leaving you for her. The involvement sounds like he is only interested in sex . If he cared about her he would at least offer to take her to a nice hotel - lol- he is only offering her the opportunity to blow him in a parking lot.

 

Call him on it, he will throw her under the bus , and then you can decide what you want to do.

scatterd Established Member

scatterd

Posted
Posted

Sounds like he wants you home with no way out is DD acures Im sorry the**** and***** will get what they deserve you desrve better.big hug

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edith Established Member

edith

Posted
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No, they did it in his office because it was her fantasy - and he did offer a hotel and the parking lot only as a way to "spice things up". Thank you for the post, though, it cheered me up.

 

I haven't left him because I'm waiting to meet with my attorney. We have quite a bit of property and a family business to divide, I can't be impulsive.

grogster Established Member

grogster

Posted
Posted

If they've had an EA for 18 months, and have now consummated, no doubt exitst in my mind that your H feels quite strongly about the OW. I doubt though that he cares about her so much that he's willing to jettison you and the kids.

 

Affair partners compartmentalize; they have to given the boundaries being broken.

 

If your goal is to end the affair, you must confront him. It won't be easy. I suspect that he's still in that "affair fog" and all his real and true erotic energy is directed at the OW. He'll resist and resent your intrusions. All APs want is to be left alone, unmolested, so they can carry on their "secret" relationship. Disclosure really wrecks the mood.

 

If you wish to save your marriage, puncture the affair bubble. Otherwise, there will be another woman in your marital bed.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted

Edith his feelings don't matter. I can see why you'd want to have insight, but that's your emotional interest. Don't let it impede you in your practical interest.

The fact is, he's cheated, committed adultery and betrayed you and your family.

That's really all you need to know.

 

do not get waylaid by the stories told to you, or that you make up within the confines of your imagination.

 

For all practical purposes, the reality is that he's deceived you.

The imaginary story is everything you're building up around that fact.

 

Listen to the actual practical stuff, and act on that.

 

When are you seeing your attorney?

califnan Established Member

califnan

Posted
Posted
No, they did it in his office because it was her fantasy - and he did offer a hotel and the parking lot only as a way to "spice things up". Thank you for the post, though, it cheered me up.

 

I haven't left him because I'm waiting to meet with my attorney. We have quite a bit of property and a family business to divide, I can't be impulsive.

 

--------------------

 

You are so so right that you cannot be impulsive.. You do have an exit plan, and you will be taken care of ..

 

I don't know if you work in the business, but since the property may offset it, it may be a good idea to keep the business intact. You sound like you are already are on top of all of that, anyway ..

 

The ball is in his court, alright. And now I see that you are waiting to be sure if he loves her, in order to make the move.

Brightmoon Established Member

Brightmoon

Posted
Posted
Yes, he does have feelings for her: the sort of feelings that allow for him to stay married as well. In other words, he might love her but it wouldn't necessarily make him want to divorce you. He does want her for sex. Sex is an integral part of any intimate relationship. He likely encouraged her to go out with her husband as a way to remind her of the limited capacity of their relationship.

 

I'm not really sure why it matters if he has feelings for her or not. He is having an affair either way. If you are going to leave, you may as well go ahead. Are you waiting for something?

 

This is so true ^^^.

 

I may be naive, but I can't see how you can have an emotional affair for 18 months and not develop feelings. I am sorry, but he is involved with her physically and emotionally.

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edith Established Member

edith

Posted
  • Author
Posted

The remark about the marital bed is so true. He also told her that he'd be thinking of her tonight - when he masturbates, I assume, because we don't usually have sex on weeknights.

PhoenixRise Established Member

PhoenixRise

Posted
Posted

Edith

 

You have been posting about this for months. You have been asking and asking if your H has feelings for this woman or if it is just sex.

 

AND these hapless APs have been trying and trying to have sex for months now. AND you have watched attempt after attempt, and them plan to consummate again and again.

 

WHY have you sat idly by and watched this trainwreck happen?

 

WHY have you not confronted your H about this EA that has now gone physical and instead come here to ask strangers if he has feelings?

 

Why aren't you asking your H if he has feelings if you really need to know?

 

If you can convince yourself that he just wants her for sex will you stay with him?

 

 

An EA requires emotion. He has feelings. He told her to go out with her husband because if they keep things as normal at home as possible they can continue the affair undisturbed.

grogster Established Member

grogster

Posted
Posted
The remark about the marital bed is so true. He also told her that he'd be thinking of her tonight - when he masturbates, I assume, because we don't usually have sex on weeknights.

 

 

I'm so sorry. What a mess these two have created.

 

An love affair is an erotic relationship on steroids. These two laid a foundation with the long term EA, and have now embarked on a wild PA. Marital sex doesn't stand a chance against affair sex. That's simply the nature of the beast.

 

My guess is that your H and the OW are both overheating in their comfy affair bubble. It's time to puncture that bubble and pour some ice cold water on both of them.

Disintegration Established Member

Disintegration

Posted
Posted

Edith I know you plan on divorcing him but I seriously do not think I personally could have waited until after they had sex to disrupt their plans. Even if it would have happened eventually I think I would have said something before they slept together. This has to be very difficult. Do you plan on informing her husband about the affair?

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted
.... because we don't usually have sex on weeknights.

 

Well, come the weekend, don't let him come, the weekend.

Not even a mile close.

After he's had sex with another woman?

 

:sick:

 

Shut him down and put him off.

ConflictedGuy27 Established Member

ConflictedGuy27

Posted
Posted

While implementing your escape, you may want to consider stopping all the spying. At this point you should have all the information you need to make your decision to stay or go - it sounds like you'll be leaving.

 

There's always an emotional price you pay when you read that "one" email that says all too much. If you've been monitoring things for over a year, clearly you know, like many others here (myself included), how those words can destroy you.

 

It's one thing to endure that pain if it actually changed or added to anything useful (e.g. providing evidence of the affair if you live in a State that cares who had the affair).

 

If you live in a no fault State, do yourself a favor and STOP the spying.

Save yourself the torment.

jmargel Established Member

jmargel

Posted
Posted

Why are you putting up with this?

 

  • This goes beyond the cheating, he has deep rooted personality issues
  • You know about this affair, how many do you NOT know about?
  • He continues to lie, deceive, disrespect you and his vows to you
  • You are trying to excuse his cheating. Doesn't matter if he's planning on leaving you or not
  • You are either afraid of the unknown or letting this affect your own self-worth for not doing something about this.

 

You need to start making goals to gain back self-confidence and to get on your own feet. He destroyed the foundation of your marriage. It's over. Think of his cheating as a leaf on a huge weed that is his life. If you destroy this one leaf another will grow again (he will again cheat). He needs to get to the root issue of why he is doing this and unless he hits rock bottom he won't. Nothing you can do or say will fix this. He didn't do this because of you, he did this because of his personality problems (immaturity, selfishness, etc..)

 

Ask yourself this, when was the last time you got something truly positive out of your marriage?

 

Don't let the fear of the unknown dictate your happiness. Tolerate his behavior and expect more from it.

 

Oh, and get checked for STDS!! Protect yourself.

Brightmoon Established Member

Brightmoon

Posted
Posted
Why are you putting up with this?

 

  • This goes beyond the cheating, he has deep rooted personality issues
  • You know about this affair, how many do you NOT know about?
  • He continues to lie, deceive, disrespect you and his vows to you
  • You are trying to excuse his cheating. Doesn't matter if he's planning on leaving you or not
  • You are either afraid of the unknown or letting this affect your own self-worth for not doing something about this.

 

You need to start making goals to gain back self-confidence and to get on your own feet. He destroyed the foundation of your marriage. It's over. Think of his cheating as a leaf on a huge weed that is his life. If you destroy this one leaf another will grow again (he will again cheat). He needs to get to the root issue of why he is doing this and unless he hits rock bottom he won't. Nothing you can do or say will fix this. He didn't do this because of you, he did this because of his personality problems (immaturity, selfishness, etc..)

 

Ask yourself this, when was the last time you got something truly positive out of your marriage?

 

Don't let the fear of the unknown dictate your happiness. Tolerate his behavior and expect more from it.

 

Oh, and get checked for STDS!! Protect yourself.

 

 

Brilliant post.

OFGnomore Established Member

OFGnomore

Posted
Posted
Why are you putting up with this?

 

  • This goes beyond the cheating, he has deep rooted personality issues
  • You know about this affair, how many do you NOT know about?
  • He continues to lie, deceive, disrespect you and his vows to you
  • You are trying to excuse his cheating. Doesn't matter if he's planning on leaving you or not
  • You are either afraid of the unknown or letting this affect your own self-worth for not doing something about this.

 

You need to start making goals to gain back self-confidence and to get on your own feet. He destroyed the foundation of your marriage. It's over. Think of his cheating as a leaf on a huge weed that is his life. If you destroy this one leaf another will grow again (he will again cheat). He needs to get to the root issue of why he is doing this and unless he hits rock bottom he won't. Nothing you can do or say will fix this. He didn't do this because of you, he did this because of his personality problems (immaturity, selfishness, etc..)

 

Ask yourself this, when was the last time you got something truly positive out of your marriage?

 

Don't let the fear of the unknown dictate your happiness. Tolerate his behavior and expect more from it.

 

Oh, and get checked for STDS!! Protect yourself.

 

Uh ya, ditto what he said.

Tommy's Girl Member

Tommy's Girl

Posted
Posted

I'm having a hard time understanding why it would matter if he wants her for just sex or if it's more emotional than that? Either way, he still cheated ( and continues to do so) and betrayed you. There's no gray area there imho.

califnan Established Member

califnan

Posted
Posted
we don't usually have sex on weeknights.

 

----------------------

 

Edith, Have you thought of suggesting marriage counseling to him. I would think that if he is open to the MC, he still wishes to embrace his marriage.. where if he has feelings for her - he would resist marriage counseling..

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