Is Chatting Online with Women Cheating?

[califnan]

There are a few threads about similar problems lately...

 

I am not sure why a H would choose to chat on the Internet with strangers rather than do something fun with his W...

 

Same goes for women who claim to have a perfect life with their perfect husbands but spend most of their time on LS...

 

It is the same type of addiction... or maybe the partner is boring and they rather spend time with anonymous cyberfriends..

 

QUOTE]

 

-----------------

 

A good question. Why do husband and or wives talk to others of the opposite sex on the internet.. I know of one who started emailing just eight months after the wedding.

[califnan]

I want to thank you again for all your advice. I'm grateful to know that I'm not asking too much of him, and that I have a right to be treated with respect.

 

-----------------------

 

Laurencia, In response to your earlier request - I see nothing wrong with your showing him our answers.

[ComeUndone]

I agree with C2000 - install a monitoring program to track him online. It's the only way to know for sure what he is up to, because it sounds like he is defensive enough about his behavior to continue doing it behind your back.

[Laurencia]

Update! Last night, he deleted all his facebook lady friends (except of course his work and acqaintance links, which I am fine with, they are not a threat, IMO). As far as I know, he has not contacted any of them anymore, and has not went to the game site.

 

Whether they will try to contact him to find out where he disappeared to, who knows.

 

We have both agreed to try harder to make our marriage work.

 

Thank you again, LS people!

[You Go Girl]

The internet has ruined so many marriages they can no longer be counted. Between porn, chat, dating sites, and anything and everything sexual.

 

My personal belief is to draw a marriage away from the internet. Draw it out into real life, with real friends, things to do together--take a walk, work in the garden, paint a room, share an interest.

And that perhaps is key--sharing some interests, and keeping interests that we don't share with our partners away from anything even remotely sexual.

[Laurencia]

You Go Girl, you are so right.

 

I am going to trust my husband to be truthful; I think he honestly does want to work things out. I don't think he has actually "cheated"....just started to treat into a grey area that was pretty close and likely to go there, and somewhere that was travelled without thought to my feelings on it.

 

I will not be ruining his willingness by installing keylogger equipment on any computers here. I mean, how would I like it if he did that to me? I would be angry and feel like I am doing something wrong, when I am not. That would be a betrayal of trust, also.

Edited April 24, 2010 by Laurencia

[dreamingoftigers]

Honey as a BS who thought for months that myself and my husband were working things out and that "he wouldn't do that to me." GET THE KEYLOGGER. How would I feel if my spouse got a keylogger? A little hurt maybe... but probably not even. If he thinks there is something to suspect and I have nothing to hide, no problem.

[Cinnamon2000]

You Go Girl, you are so right.

 

I am going to trust my husband to be truthful; I think he honestly does want to work things out. I don't think he has actually "cheated"....just started to treat into a grey area that was pretty close and likely to go there, and somewhere that was travelled without thought to my feelings on it.

 

I will not be ruining his willingness by installing keylogger equipment on any computers here. I mean, how would I like it if he did that to me? I would be angry and feel like I am doing something wrong, when I am not. That would be a betrayal of trust, also.

 

It will be betrayal of trust if there is NO reason (ZERO) to suspect anything, but just for mere control. But, that's not the case. You need to get a keylogger.

[Green]

I think deleting the facebook friends and cutting off contact with these women was the right thing to do. I wouldn't necesarily call it cheating but it was a boudary issue. You should just trust he won't do it again. If you start getting suspicious just ask him to see his phone or open up his email. I would avoid doing this though unless you really get suspicious.

[You Go Girl]

My opinion is that she does not track his internet behavior at this point in their marriage. That would be it's own tragedy of trust.

He has deleted these women friends.

It is now up to him to be an honest husband and not do sneaky things behind her back.

Hopefully he has a conscience and values his marriage enough not to try to continue the behavior secretly.

 

She will see signs if he is doing secretive things. He will access the computer mostly when she is not home, or busy elsewhere in the house, or sleeping.

He will clean the computer history.

He will also get sloppy and make a mistake and leave a trail, no matter how thorough he tries to be.

 

So it is best for this marriage that at this point and time she trusts that he loves her enough to value honesty in their relationship.

Later, if he proves to be dishonest, then the game plan will have to change.

[Laurencia]

Hopefully he has a conscience and values his marriage enough not to try to continue the behavior secretly.

 

She will see signs if he is doing secretive things. He will access the computer mostly when she is not home, or busy elsewhere in the house, or sleeping.

He will clean the computer history.

He will also get sloppy and make a mistake and leave a trail, no matter how thorough he tries to be.

I agree, hun! I'm not a naive person; I did do some checking on some things to see if anything suspicious was happening. I also have a few friends that hang on those sites, and they've seen nothing.

 

He moved his laptop and only uses it in a place where I can see what he's up to. He showed me the PRIVATE messages between him and the ladies, and he told me he was sorry if they misinterpreted what he was saying to them---he also emailed a couple of the "aggressive" ones and said the same thing.

 

He tends to be the type that helps people who need it, and never thought much about how some of that "advice" and "virtual hugs" would be taken....or how it would appear to his real friends and family. THEY spent a lot of their correspondence in trying to get a little too close and personal. Looking back, he said that in retrospect, how he replied could have been taken the wrong way. I think that showing me all his private emails, etc (some of which were pretty bold on the women's parts) was a big show of wanting to reconcile, and I am happy to give him a second chance.

[You Go Girl]

Laurencia, it sounds like your guy is on the right track, is grounded in your marriage, and is being open and honest about everything that transpired.

WHEW!

I can't say how happy I am for you to see the way he is handling it all. If he was going to be a sneak, believe me (having been married to one) he would have tried to gaslight you from the get-go on discussing this issue. He would have dug his heels in on his rights to have some 'privacy' and crap like that. He would have said things like my estranged H did--"I was trying to own him".

And mostly, he would have lied to your face, continued the behavior in an arrogant, entitled fashion.

Your guy is not exuding signs of thinking like that. Hurray...one marriage survives the bs of imaginary girl friends.

Sadly, mine didn't.

[Bill13]

Maybe a perspective from someone that is also a chatter. I admit i chat with other women on line. Why?, seems after all these years, for about the last 2 years now, the W, has lost interest in intimacy, (once a month does not exactly qualify as being interested). I know its not the same thing, but if it gives me even a remote feeling of someone showing interest, thats probably better than the alternative of meeting up with someone.

Is it as fulfilling as talking and holding someone next to you? -No,

Is it better than nothing? -Yes.

Have we talked about the intimacy issue extensively? -Yes.

What was the resolution? -Thats how things are.

 

So if you are doing your part, i really see no reason to be perhaps "getting intimate" /chatting with others.

[Laurencia]

Bill13, if I caught my husband intimately chatting online (or the women contacted me out of spite or whatnot), our marriage would be over. Period. I don't share intimacies with other women, sex or other.

[Bill13]

Hi Laurencia;

Sorry about what i wrote. After re-reading what i wrote, I can see how it could be taken out of context. Let me reword that.

If you are still interested in intimacy with your H (no i am not asking for details) then he shouldnt have any reason to flirt/chat with other women.

 

If you are not showing interest in intimacy, then perhaps flirting with other women online is probably the lesser of other alternatives.

 

I know its probably not right, but when you have exhausted all other avenues, and still love the person, what would you recommend doing. (In my case we've been together for almost 40 years, and no i have never strayed in all those years, except for the online casual flirting that started about a year ago).

[You Go Girl]

Bill13--

 

Is your wife ok with a porn hobby?

It's the lesser of the two evils.

Chatting will eventually lead to wanting to meet, especially because eventually you will find a woman that you think you connect with--it's guarantteed if you keep chatting, it's just a matter of time.

It would be sad to hear about another tragic long term marriage destroyed by crazy internet infatuation.

[RobM]

Bill13--

 

Is your wife ok with a porn hobby?

It's the lesser of the two evils.

Chatting will eventually lead to wanting to meet, especially because eventually you will find a woman that you think you connect with--it's guarantteed if you keep chatting, it's just a matter of time.

It would be sad to hear about another tragic long term marriage destroyed by crazy internet infatuation.

 

I'm sure his wife isn't ok with a porn hobby, but it also sounds like she's just fine not taking care of his needs either. I'm guessing her point of view is that she's happy with the way things are, her needs are being met, she's satisfied and he should be too. He shouldn't be out looking for affection from online women he should just be satisfied with the little he is getting, it's enough for her, it should be enough for him to.

 

I would also guess that the women here will blame him, tell him he should try harder, be romantic, engage her mind, etc... basically this is his fault. But I would also guess he'll say he's done all of the that and while it worked once or twice things quickly went back to normal and nothing else has helped so now he's at a point where his choices are do nothing and just be satisfied with what little he gets, cheat which he won't do because he just could never do that, or flirt a little online.

 

i would also guess he can rationalize it in his mind that he's not doing anything that horrible and if she would just take better care of his needs he wouldn't have to do this.

 

My final guess is that I think I'm starting to get cynical in my old age.

[Bill13]

All I was saying was that if Laurencia and her H are being intimate on a somewhat regular basis, then there shouldn't be a need for online activities.

 

Yes my W has always been fine with porn (but doesnt know about my chat activities), back in the old days, she would also be the one to pic up an X-rated flic at the video store (and in all honesty watching others going at it doesn't really do anything for me), but it was her thing. After lengthy discussions about "my feelings", the bottom line is "thats how things are". (Yes she has stated that she is happy with the way things are).

 

There is nothing more i can possibly try, Ask anyone of her friends that knows us and the typical comment is They would be happy if their partner even showed half of the interest and effort that i have always put in. And no regardless of what else i try or do, its yields no short term changes either. -goes back to "thats how things are"

 

I hate what i have resorted to, the sex is just secondary, I miss the intimacy/closeness more than anything else. Laying awake at night next to someone you just want to hold and touch leads to a lot of "wondering and thinking" sleepless nights. My rationalization of the online flirt/chat stuff is more or less its a variation of porn. Just talking with someone going through more or less the same thing, at least provides some mental satisfaction knowing "its not just you", some short term satisfaction, and maybe looking for an elusive solution. I have no intentions of wandering off anywhere.

In all honesty, i wish my tap would run dry too.

[Peaceful Guy]

Am I wrong to ask him to stop contact with these people?

 

um, no?

 

Your opinion is greatly appreciated!

 

fuhque this guy!

[Laurencia]

If you are not showing interest in intimacy, then perhaps flirting with other women online is probably the lesser of other alternatives.

You might want to check my other posts, before you make that assumption.

Chatting will eventually lead to wanting to meet, especially because eventually you will find a woman that you think you connect with--it's guarantteed if you keep chatting, it's just a matter of time.

I agree....I think there is always that possibility because people can easily make themselves much more appealing online than they are in real life. Some women (and men) are very aggressive in lifting themselves up and encouraging others to think about what they may be missing in their marriage (imagined or not).

 

Not too many are going to tell those online bf's that they have deep-seated drug issues, online addiction to MANY bf's (not just them) or have difficult mental issues, for example. It's all flash. I think people can easily get hooked by that.

[Bill13]

I agree, unlike your H using facebook, any chat i do is anonymous.

Dont ask dont tell. I was just trying to explain that in some situations there could be extenuating circumstances, and how I feel.

 

And yes i re-read what you had in there, after a bit of wading through everything.

 

Bottom line your request is not unreasonable in any way.

 

I truly hope everything works out well for you.

[You Go Girl]

Laurencia--your post is near to my heart because of the tragedy and dissolution of my first marriage.

At the time--mid 90's--The internet was fairly new, and my H started watching porn every waking hour instead of doing what he did before we got internet, which was mr. fix it, mr. build something, mr. go fishing, mr. guitar playing guy--all productive things that he was proud of and praised for by others for being such a talented person.

He really unbalanced and screwed up his life. We had had a fairly good marriage of long term before all that, albeit there was certainly room for improvement in the sex dept. and I take some responsibility for that decline.

As not being a porn fan myself, I went online and discovered chat, books and literature, that being a passion of mine.

I had no idea and zero plans to flirt or become enamored by someone. What did happen as that my resentment grew from my H's porn use and then subsequent requests for anal, swinging, uggh, gross...

I ended up in an emotional affair with a psychology professor that i met in that literature chat. I lost my head. After meeting him in person, sneaky business, but no sex with the professor, the thing fell apart and I discovered he had lied to me about his age--he was 15 years older than he had stated. He had also lied about many other things, and pretended that he was just interested in me, and for awhile, at the beginning, I know that was true--that he had lost his head for me too--but later he went on to form many emotional attachments to women online.

Anyway, just a little picture of how all this sexual and love seeking online while in a marriage can and will destroy one, even a relatively happy one.

Even my exH says that the internet destroyed our marriage, and regrets what happened between us. Well obviously not the internet itself--but what each of us did while using the internet.

It was nothing less than a tragedy that divorce. Two people who were together for 20 years, all down the crapper.

[FarmGirl]

Laurencia--your post is near to my heart because of the tragedy and dissolution of my first marriage.

At the time--mid 90's--The internet was fairly new, and my H started watching porn every waking hour instead of doing what he did before we got internet, which was mr. fix it, mr. build something, mr. go fishing, mr. guitar playing guy--all productive things that he was proud of and praised for by others for being such a talented person.

He really unbalanced and screwed up his life. We had had a fairly good marriage of long term before all that, albeit there was certainly room for improvement in the sex dept. and I take some responsibility for that decline.

As not being a porn fan myself, I went online and discovered chat, books and literature, that being a passion of mine.

I had no idea and zero plans to flirt or become enamored by someone. What did happen as that my resentment grew from my H's porn use and then subsequent requests for anal, swinging, uggh, gross...

I ended up in an emotional affair with a psychology professor that i met in that literature chat. I lost my head. After meeting him in person, sneaky business, but no sex with the professor, the thing fell apart and I discovered he had lied to me about his age--he was 15 years older than he had stated. He had also lied about many other things, and pretended that he was just interested in me, and for awhile, at the beginning, I know that was true--that he had lost his head for me too--but later he went on to form many emotional attachments to women online.

Anyway, just a little picture of how all this sexual and love seeking online while in a marriage can and will destroy one, even a relatively happy one.

Even my exH says that the internet destroyed our marriage, and regrets what happened between us. Well obviously not the internet itself--but what each of us did while using the internet.

It was nothing less than a tragedy that divorce. Two people who were together for 20 years, all down the crapper.

 

 

Holy $#!( - we are long lost twins.

 

I agree, the internets is not a place for the addicted, lonely, brokenhearted while they are still in a relationship with someone else...

[dazzle22]

All I was saying was that if Laurencia and her H are being intimate on a somewhat regular basis, then there shouldn't be a need for online activities.

 

Yes my W has always been fine with porn (but doesnt know about my chat activities), back in the old days, she would also be the one to pic up an X-rated flic at the video store (and in all honesty watching others going at it doesn't really do anything for me), but it was her thing. After lengthy discussions about "my feelings", the bottom line is "thats how things are". (Yes she has stated that she is happy with the way things are).

 

There is nothing more i can possibly try, Ask anyone of her friends that knows us and the typical comment is They would be happy if their partner even showed half of the interest and effort that i have always put in. And no regardless of what else i try or do, its yields no short term changes either. -goes back to "thats how things are"

 

I hate what i have resorted to, the sex is just secondary, I miss the intimacy/closeness more than anything else. Laying awake at night next to someone you just want to hold and touch leads to a lot of "wondering and thinking" sleepless nights. My rationalization of the online flirt/chat stuff is more or less its a variation of porn. Just talking with someone going through more or less the same thing, at least provides some mental satisfaction knowing "its not just you", some short term satisfaction, and maybe looking for an elusive solution. I have no intentions of wandering off anywhere.

In all honesty, i wish my tap would run dry too.

 

 

Do you think if your wife knew about your online chatting, that her interest in you would 'wake up'? Sometimes people need a jolt not to take their partner for granted, and seeing others giving them attention sometimes does it. If she would see it and not care, then I'd say the marriage is pretty much dead. I knew my first marriage was DOA when my husband confessed to a near affair and I really didn't feel much inside about it...too much bad water under the bridge.

[Laurencia]

Do you think if your wife knew about your online chatting, that her interest in you would 'wake up'? Sometimes people need a jolt not to take their partner for granted, and seeing others giving them attention sometimes does it.

I can't speak for the other poster, but in my case, it was indeed a jolt. So much so that I was ready to file for divorce. I wouldn't count on that "flirting" to revive a marriage; it is just as likely to end it.