Laurencia Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Hi, I'm new here. Someone gave me a link to this place and said that I would probably get lots of good advice, real opinions, and that there were no topics that couldn't be discussed. I really do want an honest opinion, and not have people just say what they want me to hear or be too PC about it. My problem, for starters , is that my husband has been chatting on the internet for quite some time. I had been made aware of the fact that he is frequenting a chat room where there are a large number of ladies, and that the chat is mostly with a lot of sexual innuendo. Not that talking for fun is a bad thing, you understand, but most of it revolves around role playing (here, let me rub your back, etc) or seductive comments (I bet you're a great kisser), that kind of stuff. I have to say I do not appreciate knowing that my husband has apparently become a bit addicted to this place. Not only that, he has added these ladies to his public facebook page for all to see. I consider that a slap in the face, that he has these ladies on there. I thought at first that these people were just players in his game room, so not a big deal. Until I found how prevalent the sex chat was, and the sending of hearts, flowers, hugs, kisses. He had also posted "Luv you" and such to a few. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that much of it is "fake" and that most don't mean much by it. But there is the chance that they will see him as "leading them on" and they may take it too seriously. I also found that one lady in particular (who suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts, among other things) was sharing intimate marital issues with my hubby, asking for his advice. NOT ACCEPTABLE! I find it VERY threatening that a woman who is married herself must, in private, ask another married man for advice. It is thoughtless and unkind towards me, from both parties. They should both know better. So anyhow, here are these women on his facebook account. He says he is sorry for hurting my feelings, and will try ever so hard to create trust again. I asked him if he would remove all of the women off his site, as it just brings back pain for me. And yes, I realize that he could just get a fake facebook account and name, and still contact these people, but I am willing to give him the once chance to come clean and stay away from them. I hate to make someone choose like that, but the only other option is to walk away. At least for me. Perhaps some of you ladies wouldn't, but I consider it a big break in my trust for him. If the tables were turned, and it was I that was sexy-talking to men, and added them to my facebook, and posted XXXXX's and such, hubby would be livid! Am I wrong to ask him to stop contact with these people? Your opinion is greatly appreciated!
califnan Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 It is definitely a bad seed planted. Even if your husband thinks in his mind that he is doing it just for fun, to fill the time, and he can handle it, or whatever - Another woman could get the wrong idea, and become emotionally involved. And then too, your husband in the addiction - could look forward to the communication, etc. It can lead to no good.
xxoo Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 If the tables were turned, and it was I that was sexy-talking to men, and added them to my facebook, and posted XXXXX's and such, hubby would be livid! Am I wrong to ask him to stop contact with these people? I think that is the answer to your question right there. If the tables were turned, he would find it inappropriate. His behavior might not be "cheating", but it is crossing a line and needs to stop. People here (and elsewhere on the internet) ask for advice from people of the opposite sex. Asking women for advice about marriage is not a bad thing, in my opinion. But usually it involves anonymity, not people you have on your facebook page! That is over the line. Also, flirting "here let me rub your back" could be ok on an anonymous site (like Loveshack.org), but crosses a line once you are close enough to be facebook friends. A good measure of appropriateness in my relationship is, "Would I do/say this in front of my partner? Would I be ok with my partner doing/saying these things to another person?" If the answer is no, then it is not appropriate.
Cinnamon2000 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Hi, I'm new here. Someone gave me a link to this place and said that I would probably get lots of good advice, real opinions, and that there were no topics that couldn't be discussed. I really do want an honest opinion, and not have people just say what they want me to hear or be too PC about it. My problem, for starters , is that my husband has been chatting on the internet for quite some time. I had been made aware of the fact that he is frequenting a chat room where there are a large number of ladies, and that the chat is mostly with a lot of sexual innuendo. Not that talking for fun is a bad thing, you understand, but most of it revolves around role playing (here, let me rub your back, etc) or seductive comments (I bet you're a great kisser), that kind of stuff. I have to say I do not appreciate knowing that my husband has apparently become a bit addicted to this place. Not only that, he has added these ladies to his public facebook page for all to see. I consider that a slap in the face, that he has these ladies on there. I thought at first that these people were just players in his game room, so not a big deal. Until I found how prevalent the sex chat was, and the sending of hearts, flowers, hugs, kisses. He had also posted "Luv you" and such to a few. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that much of it is "fake" and that most don't mean much by it. But there is the chance that they will see him as "leading them on" and they may take it too seriously. I also found that one lady in particular (who suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts, among other things) was sharing intimate marital issues with my hubby, asking for his advice. NOT ACCEPTABLE! I find it VERY threatening that a woman who is married herself must, in private, ask another married man for advice. It is thoughtless and unkind towards me, from both parties. They should both know better. So anyhow, here are these women on his facebook account. He says he is sorry for hurting my feelings, and will try ever so hard to create trust again. I asked him if he would remove all of the women off his site, as it just brings back pain for me. And yes, I realize that he could just get a fake facebook account and name, and still contact these people, but I am willing to give him the once chance to come clean and stay away from them. I hate to make someone choose like that, but the only other option is to walk away. At least for me. Perhaps some of you ladies wouldn't, but I consider it a big break in my trust for him. If the tables were turned, and it was I that was sexy-talking to men, and added them to my facebook, and posted XXXXX's and such, hubby would be livid! Am I wrong to ask him to stop contact with these people? Your opinion is greatly appreciated! With all that talk, it's only a phone call away for them to meet up at some motel.
stuckinoz Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 A married woman's point of view........Not trying to scare you - This is just what happened to me: I became addicted to online chat a long time ago. I would only chat with men. I had no intention of ever meeting them, it was just harmless banter/flirting back & forth. My job was boring & it passed the time. Until I did meet someone from chat. We clicked. The timing was perfect & we ended up meeting face to face. We had an affair that lasted off & on for about 4 years. Now, I tell you that part to tell you this ----- I believe it is possible to JUST chat with people. But one has to be careful because there is that line. Once it's crossed, it's all over & downhill from there. (Sorry to say )You can become "Infatuated" with someone online if enough time is spent "Talking".
Tommy's Girl Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 It is definitely a bad seed planted. Even if your husband thinks in his mind that he is doing it just for fun, to fill the time, and he can handle it, or whatever - Another woman could get the wrong idea, and become emotionally involved. And then too, your husband in the addiction - could look forward to the communication, etc. It can lead to no good. I agree. I lived this. I said it was just fun and games but it ended up being anything but fun. It's a boundary a married person shouldn't cross no matter how innocent the original intentions are.
Cinnamon2000 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 A married woman's point of view........Not trying to scare you - This is just what happened to me: I became addicted to online chat a long time ago. I would only chat with men. I had no intention of ever meeting them, it was just harmless banter/flirting back & forth. My job was boring & it passed the time. Until I did meet someone from chat. We clicked. The timing was perfect & we ended up meeting face to face. We had an affair that lasted off & on for about 4 years. Now, I tell you that part to tell you this ----- I believe it is possible to JUST chat with people. But one has to be careful because there is that line. Once it's crossed, it's all over & downhill from there. (Sorry to say )You can become "Infatuated" with someone online if enough time is spent "Talking". Did your husband find out? Are you divorced?
Author Laurencia Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) People here (and elsewhere on the internet) ask for advice from people of the opposite sex. Asking women for advice about marriage is not a bad thing, in my opinionI agree with the asking for advice, but not when it is her asking him personally for HIS advice only. She should not be becoming that familiar with him or involving him in her problems, IMO. A good measure of appropriateness in my relationship is, "Would I do/say this in front of my partner? Would I be ok with my partner doing/saying these things to another person?" If the answer is no, then it is not appropriate. Exactly what I think, thank you! When he posted those comments to his "friend", I don't think he realized that it could link back to his page.....and mine. I had friends on MY page asking, "what the heck is he doing? who are all these women? what are they after?" It was very embarassing and shocking. And so disappointing. I hope you don't mind, but is it ok if I send him the link to this site? I would really like him to see how others see it, not just me. I suspect he thinks I'm just being dramatic or paranoid. Edited April 22, 2010 by Laurencia
ADF Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Whether what your husband is doing is technically cheating is not the point. His behavior is inappropriate, and it is causing you dismay. If he values his relationship with you, he needs to stop.
Author Laurencia Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Is it wrong for me to ask him to remove these people from his friend list? Am I asking too much that he stop contact with them totally, ie. no emailing, no phone calls, no chats, etc? It hurts me just to think of him talking to them. Like he favours them above us (his family). I don't like to be a bitch. He does have other friends on his list which are women, that happen to be "real", from work or school or whatever. That doesn't bother me at all.
Lizzie60 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 There are a few threads about similar problems lately... I am not sure why a H would choose to chat on the Internet with strangers rather than do something fun with his W... Same goes for women who claim to have a perfect life with their perfect husbands but spend most of their time on LS... It is the same type of addiction... or maybe the partner is boring and they rather spend time with anonymous cyberfriends.. Maybe the puter can break... ;)...over and over.. and over..and over..
Author Laurencia Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I am not sure why a H would choose to chat on the Internet with strangers rather than do something fun with his W... Lizzie, I'm sorry to say but our marriage has been on the rocks for awhile. So maybe he went there because they gave him attention that I did not, and vice versa? I am trying to work on it though, if only he can do the same. Should he stop all contact????????
Lizzie60 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Of course he has to stop all contacts.. otherwise you will never resolve your issues. Chatting with cyber female friends only create, for him, an illusion, of being in another 'world' that you are not taking part. He's in his own bubble.. you need to burst this bubble.. You can, like I advise the other poster, go out whenever he spends time on the Internet.. take a shower, dress sexy.. and leave.. but make sure you leave a good trail of perfume on your way out..
Brightmoon Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) Is it wrong for me to ask him to remove these people from his friend list? Am I asking too much that he stop contact with them totally, ie. no emailing, no phone calls, no chats, etc? It hurts me just to think of him talking to them. Like he favours them above us (his family). I don't like to be a bitch. He does have other friends on his list which are women, that happen to be "real", from work or school or whatever. That doesn't bother me at all. If it bothers you Laurencia, then you must tell him. He needs to know how you feel. It's already been mentioned that you can develop strong feelings through prolonged internet chat. Phone calls and meetings are the next step. There is a reason why these things are addictive. Feelings can intensify. Edited April 22, 2010 by Brightmoon
xxoo Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Is it wrong for me to ask him to remove these people from his friend list? Am I asking too much that he stop contact with them totally, ie. no emailing, no phone calls, no chats, etc? It hurts me just to think of him talking to them. Like he favours them above us (his family). I don't like to be a bitch. He does have other friends on his list which are women, that happen to be "real", from work or school or whatever. That doesn't bother me at all. No, you aren't asking too much. He's crossed the line, and it is up to him to earn back your trust. Like you said, he wouldn't be ok with you doing the same. Would he feel bad about asking you to stop contact? I doubt it. Never feel bad about demanding respect. If he is unwilling to prioritize you and respect you, you will know that you are better off without him.
stuckinoz Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Did your husband find out? Are you divorced? Yes my husband found out. No I am not divorced.
Cinnamon2000 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Is it wrong for me to ask him to remove these people from his friend list? Am I asking too much that he stop contact with them totally, ie. no emailing, no phone calls, no chats, etc? It hurts me just to think of him talking to them. Like he favours them above us (his family). I don't like to be a bitch. He does have other friends on his list which are women, that happen to be "real", from work or school or whatever. That doesn't bother me at all. If I were you, I would ask him to remove them all from his page and NO CONTACT with these women whatsover in ANY way or else, pack his bag and see him at the Court House. This is not even close to negotiable such as issues of who take out the garbage on Thursdays.
Author Laurencia Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I'd just be diligent in making sure he's really stopping, and not just taking it underground. That is what I am afraid of. He already told me that he didn't think that it was a bad thing, didn't realize it would hurt me....he said everyone in there is doing it and it's harmless. Apparently not, or I would not be sitting here with a torn heart and a no trust. He said he will stop but at this point, my trust is in shatters. I'm not 100% convinced that there will not be a hidden facebook account somewhere linking him to them, or emails back and forth. I have no concrete reason to believe that, just his claim that he didn't think he "wasn't doing anything wrong". Cinnamon, thank you for that advice. Don't worry.....ANY contact with these women that come up from now on, the marriage is over. I don't want it to be, but I would consider that our vows have been broken. I mean, NOW he knows it is not right nor is he being "monogamous" to me if he keeps it up. It is cheating at that point, and I can't forgive that.
Author Laurencia Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Having said that, AT THIS POINT, I am giving him a chance to come clean. I can forgive....not so sure about the forgetting part. I would like the marriage to work, but he has to do his part to show that I am the ONLY women he is involved with.
SummerLady Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Hi, I'm new here. Someone gave me a link to this place and said that I would probably get lots of good advice, real opinions, and that there were no topics that couldn't be discussed. I really do want an honest opinion, and not have people just say what they want me to hear or be too PC about it. My problem, for starters , is that my husband has been chatting on the internet for quite some time. I had been made aware of the fact that he is frequenting a chat room where there are a large number of ladies, and that the chat is mostly with a lot of sexual innuendo. Not that talking for fun is a bad thing, you understand, but most of it revolves around role playing (here, let me rub your back, etc) or seductive comments (I bet you're a great kisser), that kind of stuff. I have to say I do not appreciate knowing that my husband has apparently become a bit addicted to this place. Not only that, he has added these ladies to his public facebook page for all to see. I consider that a slap in the face, that he has these ladies on there. I thought at first that these people were just players in his game room, so not a big deal. Until I found how prevalent the sex chat was, and the sending of hearts, flowers, hugs, kisses. He had also posted "Luv you" and such to a few. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that much of it is "fake" and that most don't mean much by it. But there is the chance that they will see him as "leading them on" and they may take it too seriously. I also found that one lady in particular (who suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts, among other things) was sharing intimate marital issues with my hubby, asking for his advice. NOT ACCEPTABLE! I find it VERY threatening that a woman who is married herself must, in private, ask another married man for advice. It is thoughtless and unkind towards me, from both parties. They should both know better. So anyhow, here are these women on his facebook account. He says he is sorry for hurting my feelings, and will try ever so hard to create trust again. I asked him if he would remove all of the women off his site, as it just brings back pain for me. And yes, I realize that he could just get a fake facebook account and name, and still contact these people, but I am willing to give him the once chance to come clean and stay away from them. I hate to make someone choose like that, but the only other option is to walk away. At least for me. Perhaps some of you ladies wouldn't, but I consider it a big break in my trust for him. If the tables were turned, and it was I that was sexy-talking to men, and added them to my facebook, and posted XXXXX's and such, hubby would be livid! Am I wrong to ask him to stop contact with these people? Your opinion is greatly appreciated! I think when you put energy and time into something no matter what it is, you are directly nuturing it. Your intention may not be known when doing it, oh I am just chatting but the underlying issue is, "Why is your husband chatting with women on line?" Let me ask you this. Would it be ok if he talked up various women in the mall, at a store or out in public, NO of course not. Your reaction is correct BUT not getting to the reason why this is going on. There is an issue somewhere, the chatting is a result. Not saying its your fault but the problem is with the realtionship and lack of focus. See my point. You have ever right to be mad or react but that is the not cause, what is?? Only you and him know. If you don't know the "WHY" then even more reason to question. Capeesh?
Author Laurencia Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 You can, like I advise the other poster, go out whenever he spends time on the Internet.. take a shower, dress sexy.. and leave.. but make sure you leave a good trail of perfume on your way outI had to post something I just read, that another member replied to, about a lady whose husband was ignoring her for video games: Besides being impractical, and the fact that you shouldn't need to have to dress sexy and give your man a massage whenever you want him to give you a few minutes away from the TV, chances are that he'll see through it (that you're just doing it at that particular time to try and get his attention away from the addiction) and not respond to it anymore after a while. I agree with this for the most part. I want him to be with me because he wants to and loves me, not just because he sees me as an object to "get off" on.
Author Laurencia Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Your reaction is correct BUT not getting to the reason why this is going on. There is an issue somewhere, the chatting is a result. Not saying its your fault but the problem is with the realtionship and lack of focus. You are right, there is blame on both sides for that. I am trying to make it better. He has to also, part of which is breaking off contact so we can move on. I'm just not sure he will honestly be able to.....and be pulled back in out of interest in the goings on there, or out of guilt (that he is hurting their feelings), or even that they will keep inviting him to come back, that they miss him. The ball is in his court. There is nothing else I can do until I see what comes next.
Author Laurencia Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I want to thank you again for all your advice. I'm grateful to know that I'm not asking too much of him, and that I have a right to be treated with respect.
Cinnamon2000 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I want to thank you again for all your advice. I'm grateful to know that I'm not asking too much of him, and that I have a right to be treated with respect. You need to start snooping. Install keylogger on his computer to track his activities online.
dazzle22 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I want to thank you again for all your advice. I'm grateful to know that I'm not asking too much of him, and that I have a right to be treated with respect. Don't put up with the lame line that he 'doesn't think he's doing anything wrong', or 'he doesn't want to hurt their feelings.' OF COURSE he knows what he is doing is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, even a 12 year old would know that. He is gaslighting you big time. You need to tell him, 'do not insult my intelligence with such garbage. You know very well what you are doing, so knock it off. You wouldn't put up with me doing it, and that's all that needs to be said about you knowing what is right or wrong". Horrible situation.
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