bulldog20 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Ok we have been married almost 10 years and I have come to really trust my husband over the years. He has always had a job where he was gone some and had to spend nites away form home and at meetings...I have always felt comfy with that because my aunt worked side by side with him and I know she would tell me if she knew anything...although there have been times in the past where he would talk to women he worked with on the phone...one lady he talked to for about an hour while he was driving to the office which was in the town she lived...he deined all and said they were just talking..ok whatever...so I got over that..then there have been other small issue along the same lines that I got over also...we have 2 children and he is good with them...Here is the problem now..he has been working every other week for year in a state where the girl he dated in college lives with her spouse and kids...since Facebook has become so big he has ended up finding old friends and through one of our conversations he told me he has talked to this girl that he dated for several years....When he mentioned her name he even called her the nickname he use to use and then caught himself and said her whole name...He denies having seen her and says he isn't out looking for anything...at home he might be interested in touching me once or twice a month and that is bad because I am hot blooded!!! I have a hard time believing he hasn't even had lunch with her since he has been going out there. I asked him and he said no but what would be wrong with lunch? He doesn't tell me anything he does at all when he is out there and if he does it sounds very ify!!! I love this man and want to trust him but don't know what to do...It makes me want to puke thinking about what he might have done......any advice??? Everytime I even mention my concern he gets so mad and tells me fine I'll quite my job and stop going...then it's my fault huh???
CarrieT Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 It makes me want to puke thinking about what he might have done......any advice??? Install a keylogger on his computer; then you won't be speculating about what might be going on -- you will know for sure.
2sure Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Tell him the truth. Be emotionally honest regarding your feelings of insecurity and suspicion. But dont lay it on him like its HIS problem. It is a problem of the marriage. Honesty, openness, and transparency has never hurt a marriage. Privacy does. There is nothing wrong with telling him you would feel a lot better having access to his face book account and emails. He will be defensive, possibly feel you are over reacting and be angry. But: After all these years of marriage, and him working out of town...your request is healthy, natural, and must be fulfilled. Period.
Author bulldog20 Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Thanks for the advice, my problem is the phone he uses is his company phone and I have no access to records and his computer is the same way..I can't use it either...he actually doesn't get on facebook much but I think uses it for messages and then deletes them. He keeps secrets from me like noboy's buisness but his excuse is either it was no big deal or he thought he told me or he just forgot...how do you forget that you have been talking to an x when you go out of town and it just happens to be in the town she lives in...and it happens so often I don't think he forgets, he just doesn't tell and that is the problem..I am having a hard time trusting him and everytime I approach him about it he turns it around on me...I just don't know what to do! Anything else I can do to find out for sure other than just asking????
2sure Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 If he is keeping secrets, he is cheating. Period. If you feel you need tangible proof just buy a voice sensitive recorder, they are about 3" X 1" and put it under the seat in his car. You'll get it.
AmIWrong Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I found myself in a very similar situation about a year ago. I felt H was very secretive, makes the same excuses about "forgetting" to mention things. Don't make the same mistake I made. I confronted H about my suspicions, and without any evidence at that. Now, a year later, I still don't know if he has/is cheating. And I don't believe I ever will. My best advice...don't tell him anymore about your suspicions. No matter how much you want to believe he'll open up about his activities, he will NEVER admit anything...not even lunch. Look at this way, if he's truly not doing anything with her, he has to deny it, right? And if he IS doing something with her, what's the upside for him to come clean? It's a no win situation. So, keep your suspicions to yourself at this point, and hire a PI to follow him next time he goes to that town, or follow him yourself. Don't make excuses about why you can't do it...money, time, etc. I did, and now I'll never know. Looking back, I wish I would have paid a PI to follow him before he knew about my suspicions. It would have been money well spent. What price for sanity, right? Just my experience. HTH!
ADF Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 Install a keylogger on his computer; then you won't be speculating about what might be going on -- you will know for sure. But if she is wrong and he finds out she spied on him, he might dump her just for showing him that much disrespect. I would.
Owl Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 But if she is wrong and he finds out she spied on him, he might dump her just for showing him that much disrespect. I would. This MIGHT happen...but odds are really darned low when you think about it. Given her description, the odds are pretty high that it IS an affair...so THAT would be the reason for ending the marriage rather than the snooping. And if she IS wrong...the fact that he's created a situation that caused her to feel this level of concern should tell him there's something that needs to be fixed...and should overshadow his concerns about being snooped on. Especially if he's not got anything to hide. If he truly is so paranoid that her snooping causes him to end the marriage even if he's not hiding anything from her...well, the odds are amazingly low that this is the situation, and if it turned out to be the case, they'd likely end up divorced over some other manifestation of his paranoia or self-centerdness anyway. Better to get it all out now.
Spark1111 Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I believe people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. That doesn't mean my ego wouldn't balk at being thought less than trustworthy, but if presented in the proper way, I would certainly oblige my spouse if they were having a moment of weakness. It's the difference of being falsely accused of a transgression--I would grow self-defensive-- as opposed to seeking empathy for my partner's insecurities, such as "I'm feeling really insecure lately, so can you help me by giving me access to your emails and phone call records? The response of a partner is key, if the request is made properly. As a truthful person, I WOULD give him whatever access he needed to feel secure. It would be a relief to have him reassured and knowing I had nothing to hide. As an untruthful person, I would grow angry to have been accused, and how dare you ask for this info and invade my privacy, and the righteous indignation would grow because often the best defense is a good offense. And it IS designed for you to shut up, shut down and search no more. Do you see the difference in the two approaches? And the two responses?
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