Agent Thomas Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) My gf's ex boyfriend keeps calling her every few days and telling her he loves her and wants to be with her and stuff. She started arguing with him over the phone yesterday and wanted me to be there with her. She told him she doesn't want a relationship with hiim etc. Well he told her he is going to change and go to rehab and stuff. Let me go into a bit of depth on how screwed up he is. He got her pregnant on purpose to control her. He cheated on her 10 times, hes addicted to drugs, has no car, no job, and dropped out of high school. He threatened to kill himself when she told him she was with me and loved me. He's now using their son to manipulate her as he planned. I don't know what to do, it's causing her such mental anguish and she can't not answer his calls because then he can take her to court and get partial custody of the kid, claiming "I tried to get in contact with her and see my son but she wouldn't answer her phone". What would you all do? I love this girl and I want to ask her to marry me in the future. Her whole family wants her to marry me, and her psychiatrist said that she looks happier than she's ever seen her. My gf also tells me how happy she is and how I changed everything for her in her life. But I feel like I'm going to lose her because of this guy beating her apart mentally. Edited April 22, 2010 by Agent Thomas
DustySaltus Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Well, you can take the hands off approach or the hands on approach. The hands off approach would be to offer suggestions to her on how she should rectify the situation and what your concerns are. The hands on approach would be to talk to him man to man and try to explain to him that you are around for the long term and this nonsense needs to stop. The guy obvious has some serious issues that need to be worked out. I see custody battles, continued drama and a child caught in the middle in the future. This is not good. So I think everything going forward should be done in the best interests of the child. The question is, do you love her enough to stick with her through this?
Author Agent Thomas Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 The question is, do you love her enough to stick with her through this? Good advice, much appreciated. And as for this part... yes. I easily love her enough, as long as she is honest to me and sticks by me as much as I stick by her. Talking to him at this point isn't an option. He is completely psychotic and would just threaten to kill me most likely, repeatedly. I wouldn't get anywhere with him. I wouldn't even know how to get through to him, and I MAJORED in psychology.
DustySaltus Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Well, I think the best option would be to work out a custody situation whether through a lawyer or otherwise. Have her document any irregular behavior by him to use as ammunition. Should he step up threats, again document them or record these conversations to make your case for a restraining order. Basically, expose him for what he is and support her in any way possible.
carhill Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 How old is their son? I'd be cautious about investing emotions in this dynamic. BTDT. There are reasons why things are the way they are. A good question to ask yourself is, if you were embroiled with a psychotic exW or exGF over a child, would she stick around and love and support *you*? I wish you well
EthanH Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 The guy sounds crazy. My reaction is, why would he be a threat to you... surely if he is horrible, you in comparison must seem like the best thing in the world ever. Just support her. Don't doubt yourself. Be aware it is difficult. I would say, tell her not to answer the calls, but when you are there, answer, and be a annoyingly helpful moderator...just humour him, knowing all the time that you have her and he doesn't. Don't give him any more reason to feel the victim. Hold the moral high ground. Tell her you will be there for her, if he doesn't let up, surely you could get him charged with harassment? (do you record the calls?)
Author Agent Thomas Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Thank you all very much for your opinions and viewpoints. Each has given me a new perspective or resolve in owning this idiot. Tell her you will be there for her, if he doesn't let up, surely you could get him charged with harassment? (do you record the calls?) Thank you for all your advice Ethan. Your idea of charging him with harassment is an excellent idea both because it could get him to leave her alone, but also it would look great in a custody battle. As for recording the calls... unfortunately in PA, you need to alert the person that you are recording them, before you record them. But maybe that would help to get him to back off, if at the beginning of the call, she told him the call was going to be recorded. Excellent
txsilkysmoothe Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 She should just not answer his calls. Come on, you're not thinking and neither is she. To make good on his threat to get partial custody - 1. He has to have the money to hire an attorney (uh, no job) 2. No judge will give partial custody to a drug addict 3. No judge will give partial custody to a man who has threatened suicide 4. No judge will give custody to a man without a job and I doubt he has been paying child support which will count against him as well. She could instruct him to call her mom, sister, etc. to arrange visitation. There are very few situations that truly require a person to speak to someone if they really do not want to. If she doesn't put forth the effort to cut contact with him, I think she enjoys the drama or still has feelings for him.
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