Telling child about divorce, introducing new relationships?

[Sabrina2009]

Trying to figure out how to handle a delicate situation... When I met my boyfriend, he and his wife were what I'll call "semi-separated." The marriage had tanked, they were each dating other people, but were sharing their house for financial reasons (ex wife is a SAHM) and to make things easier for their five-year old daughter.

 

Six months later, both parents are ready to move on. They are finalizing the separation agreement amicably. He is getting the house (in return for taking over all of her massive credit card debt) and she will return to work and move elsewhere with their daughter (she will have primary physical custody with liberal visitation for him). They have agreed that she can stay in the house until the end of the summer while she gets her life organized. In the meantime, he is moving in with me. Once she moves out, we will move into the house, and will likely marry once the divorce is final (our state requires a one-year waiting period for that).

 

What we are struggling with is how to tell this to the daughter in the best possible way. Also, how to introduce me into her life in the least disruptive way, especially since I'll be living in the house she has been living in. The soon-to-be-ex-wife is also in a relationship, but it's not yet that serious, and he is about to deploy with the military for nine months, so it is less of an immediate concern. And while she has been reasonably amicable so far (when it suits her purposes), I'm worried about her reaction to me being a part of her daughter's life.

 

My boyfriend and I are serious about each other, and I know that because he and I plan a future together, his daughter (and by extension, the ex) are going to be a part of that future. It's very important to me that we start off on the right foot -- especially in making sure that this little girl (who I look forward to loving as a stepmom) has the easist possible transition into this new situaiton.

 

Any advice out there on when/what to tell her about the divorce, and about me?

Edited April 22, 2010 by Sabrina2009

[quankanne]

ouch ... this is a really delicate situation, and I wish you all the best in handling it. No real advice on that end of things, though as the aunt of kids from divorced marriages, I hope that you and this little girl's parents – and the mom's SO, too – reassure that while Mom and Dad might not be married to each other anymore, it has nothing whatsoever to do with how much they love HER. That the divorce isn't her fault, but that sometimes, when a relationship doesn't work out, a mommy and a daddy understand that they can still get along as parents who love their babies, divorce can never change that.

 

my two sisters got divorced about the same time and handled things very differently. Older one, bless her heart, said some ugly stuff about her kids' dad and pretty much sabotaged their relationship with him to a point where now, as adults with children of their own, they're finally beginning to see things in a new light. Other sister, IMO, did a much better job by telling her boys that even though she and their father were divorcing, they both loved the kids very much and would do everything they could to raised them right. She figured that while her ex had his share of problems, it would be better for the boys to come to that realization on their own, later, because knowing their dad loved them was much, much more important than her trying to get back at him.

 

of the two sets of kids, I think the second sister's family was a bit better grounded for relationships and the idea of family because they could see how it was possible to keep loving someone even though things had changed. The other two kids – my oldest niece and nephew – have had a hard time dealing with the idea of being married/parents themselves because they were so scarred by their parents' divorce and honestly believed they were going to repeat my sister and her ex-husband's mistakes.

 

this child has got a wonderful champion in you, because your heart is so big that you want to do right by her. And with that kind of outlook, you can't go wrong. Not to say there might be rough/sticky patches, but that little girl is going to know just how much you care about here. And for a kid, that's what it all boils down to: Being secure in someone's love.

[Ronni_W]

Hi Sabrina.

Good on you and your mate, for giving consideration to this important area -- very often it tends to get overlooked by otherwise loving and well-meaning adults.

You may want to read books that cover the topic, or consult with a child psychologist who specializes in matters of divorce. At amazon.com and/or Google, you could search terms like 'how to talk to your children about divorce', 'step families', 'step parenting', 'step mom' -- and maybe check-out the most interesting looking ones at the library before you purchase.

 

Best of luck to all of you

[You Go Girl]

A couple things--first off, no matter how kind and caring you are to that little girl--she isn't going to understand how mommy disappeared from the house and now daddy and the other lady live there.

Divorce is crushing to kids--period. You can try to be there for her, but you can't fill that void.

First thing I'd do is take it easy on PDA when she's there. She's really going to feel uncomfortable if he's holding your hand while sitting on the couch, instead of her next to him or her on his lap.

You still need to be perceived as his second choice, and that needs to be carried on throughout her childhood.

In your shoes what I would do is even when he's frisky as can be, you make him put aside desire for you if that little girl is anywhere in the vacinity. She comes first--always.

She's only 5. So avoid a long drawn out discussion on what divorce is. Simply state the new living arrangements.

She is going to be leaving her childhood home, at least most of the time. You are going to occupy her space there. She is going to possibly hold resentment that you get to live in her house all the time, and she doesn't.

Do make sure that her room stays as close to exactly as it is now when she leaves to live with her mother elsewhere.

And when this transition is complete--humor her. Ask her where is the broom? How do these curtains open? Whatever...anything to make her feel that she has the upper hand on knowledge of the home, that she's the expert, that you're the guest.