When a person says...

[freckles3131]

"I just can't do it anymore" "There are times when I hate you" "I don't want to even try"

 

Is this person so far gone there is no turning it around?

 

Basically, my fault.

I pushed and pushed. Made demands, put him down when things didn't go my way. Made him feel bad about stuff. (I'm taking 90% blame for where he is currently "at" emotionally)

In hindsight....I should have been working on earning his forgiveness (I snooped his cell phone multiple times...my imaginings went wild/insecurity came out....it's a long story, but that is the jist) He forgave me for invading his privacy/accusing him of stupid stuff and we were working it out, but stupid me....instead of showing him how much I love him and appreciate his forgiveness I was demanding too much...too fast and it pushed him to this dark place.)

 

Once a person is feeling that and that far gone...is there any return?

This is the one email I sent...

(for those that want to take the time to read for clarification...if not, then give me your first reaction to the above.)

Thanks

 

Email:

Hello,

I just wanted you to know something that I realized after doing some reflecting.

 

I want you to know I ****ed up. Big time.

 

After the night at Tommy's garage etc....(actually even long before that...)and you chose

to work it out with me...

what I should have been doing is showing you my appreciation, apologizing, showering you

with love, devotion, showing you that I know I messed up, letting you know I was glad to

have you in my life still, verbalizing that what I did was so wrong. And how I made such

a huge mistake(s).

Asking for complete forgiveness. Earning that forgiveness.

 

Instead....what I was doing was all about me...

Me telling you What you should be doing, how you should be acting, what you should be

giving, that you should be more this, that and the other thing

Making condescending comments, snide remarks, put downs.

I should have been telling you until I was blue in the face, "I'm sorry for snooping

on your cell bill,

I'm sorry for over-reacting about things, I'm sorry for being so insecure about it.

I'm sorry for stepping over the line. I'm sorry for hurting you" and been SHOWING

you at the same time.

 

It shouldn't have been all about me and my hurt. I should have taken a step back and said

to myself, "I ****ed up. I need to show him I get that. I need to show him I

appreciate the man he is. I should be showering him with love"

I should have been so self-righteous."

I shouldn't have been so insistant that you go out of your way for me, when in fact it

should have been the other way around. I did things that warranted me going above and

beyond for you....and showing you that what I did was wrong.

 

I didn't go above enough...not even close and I should have.

It should have not been about me in any way, shape or form. I'm sorry.

This is a bit late...but I mean every word...

"I'm sorry for looking at your texts/cell bill, I'm sorry for not leaving well

enough alone. I'm sorry I didn't tell you until you were sick of hearing how wonderful

you are and what a good man you are for being so understanding.

I'm sorry for making you feel like it was all you that needed to do the work and make it

all better. That you are the one at fault. That you need to fix things. I'm sorry I

didn't tell you and show you that I love and appreciate all that you do. That I am truly,

deeply sorry for doing those things to you and it should have been me working double time

to make up for it."

You have been good to me in so many ways and I'm sorry for not getting my head out of my

ass when it was the most important time to do so and the right thing to do.

I want you to know that I didn't mean to be that way. I also want you to know that I can

learn from my mistakes and I ****ed up on this. I am sorry for that. I mean this from the

core of my being...I should have been grateful to you and not so self-righteous. I had no

business being that way. I was wrong.

 

In parting I would like to say that I hope there is some element of this realization that

takes away some of the hatred you have towards me for the past year of my holyier than

thou attitude. I truly am moving forward from this whole mess and have learned a lesson I

will never forget. This has taken me down from my pedestal a few notches and I am truly

humbled.

I only wish I had seen what I was doing before now. I want you to know these things I am

saying are coming from a place of utmost sincerity and not for any other reason. I truly,

truly see that I had it all wrong.

 

I do hope you consider that I made a mistake of grandiose preportion, but I get it. I

really, really do. And I hope that you take what I've said and take a few days to think

about things. I really think we can put this behind us (slowly and with alot more

understanding, love and patience on my end) and move forward to get back what we had

before this.

We keep learning, striving and growing and it would be such a travesty to let such

awareness, newfound perspective go to waste.

Can you take a few days and consider that I am introspective enough to look deep inwardly

and re-evaluate myself and own up to my mistakes and fix them?

Can you try to think back to positive happy times for the first 2 1/2 years when things

were effortless. Maybe if I have an opportunity to show you instead of demanding you show

me......(as it should have been from the get-go.)

Can you take a few days and we can have one more talk before we end this and have

regrets?

 

I wanted you to know....I love you. You are a great soul. I should have shown you that

(with sugar on top) for a long time now......

Love,

M~

[monkeymaid]

if it really was your fault, you have taken the firt step. ...the second step is, he is going to need time to process and calm his emotions down.

 

 

i think you need to approach him in person 1 time, and i am emphasizing 1. tell him face to face if he will listenthat you effed up, heres why, why it will be deifferent, tht you love him more than anytihng blahblha. ....not too mushy but you gwt it. then, leave him alone. let him think, vent, process etc... if he reconnects cool, if not, wait 30 days, then call him. if he is ok for some general hanging out, go, if he still wants to be apart, you gotta let him go.

[freckles3131]

Hard thing is...we live together. He is going to sleep on the couch until he finds a place. Do you think my email did any good? (I sent it because I wanted him to know I was the one who f-ed up) I think that the fact I didn't acknowledge that pushed him away....I was too self-righteous and blaming him for us slipping away and telling him what HE needed to do to fix it...instead of looking inward and working on things on my end. And taking blame for my part.

[freckles3131]

Also....tonight is part 3 of the first-time homebuyers class. He said "what about class?"

I said, "You go, I'll make it up"

Should I not go and let him finish?

Or go because I need to stay focused on my life plan and maybe even try to talk to him after....?

Or...not go and give him his space?

[EthanH]

ok.

 

So, has has actually broken up with you? I'm guessing that is the case, but you didn't say specifically or if he was just a bit drained. I used the word drained, as... well... I think you sound scarily intense. And I think that is the main problem, you are too into him! The more you tell him you care about him, the more it reinforces that view. The more he realises/or at least in comparison to your actions that he just isn't on the same level. You have to realise that by pushing, you are pushing him away.

 

All the insecurity stuff if just confirming that point. I only realise now after a few relationships that there comes a point whereby sometimes it is so much, that the other person in the relationship forgets why they are with you. They forget that they should value you too, as all it about is how much you care about them. They have no doubt about how you feel, so they never value it. The truth is, from your post, that you have to accept, you are just on two different levels.

 

I feel like I can read stuff like this and consider myself to be quite a deep thinker, but reading your email... I cannot see how it cannot have made him feel swamped. There is so much emotion in it, so much neediness. If you are honest, you will admit that you need him more than he needs you, and that isn't healthy.

 

Tbh, you ask the question, is he 'too far gone?'...the very fact you are asking that shows you think the case. Whether he is or not, the fact remains...you have to stop for one moment, stop thinking about what he is thinking, and take a look at yourself. Give yourself some credit, some respect, the email is begging, and if he does take you back, it is largely because you persuaded him. Do you really want that? The email should have been very simple. Sorry I was/am insecure... here are my reasons for this (x,y,z)... despite saying this, i need to trust you or what is the point? I still love you. thanks etc.

 

And then work on yourself. If he does decide it is worth trying, it won't work if you are still insecure and overly intense. Make him want you back, stop doubting yourself, he got with you for a reason, don't let that reason become submerged under the pile of stressful insecurities/apologies etc. Ask yourself if you have ever wanted to be with someone who doubted you liked them enough, who had so little confidence...people are in relationships with people who they admire, not feel sorry for...Who knows if it is too late, but if you don't sort yourself out asap, it might as well be...

[EthanH]

... you live together, he is moving out, but still wants to go to some class? It sounds like a nightmare. The main impression I get is he is exhausted. I think you need to back off...

 

to answer your question from the reply post, i don't think the email will have worked, if anything, it will have made things worse, but in a way, it doesn't matter, you are where you are now. Give him some reason to respect you.

[freckles3131]

Ethan,

Thanks for reading that and for such a mature, insightful reply.

I know the email sounds a bit much, however...alot of it needed to be said.

I have been with him for 8 years/known him for 10 so I know alot about how he ticks.

After our convo last night (yes, he broke up with me.) he seemed so hurt/angry and it wasn't like I cheated or anything.

So I thought to myself "how did he get there?"

then I realized...whoa.

Here I was snooping through his ****e, questioning stupid texts that meant nothing due to my insecurity...(after not invading his privacy in 2 1/2 years I had a stupid "gut" instinct to do so...)

anyways...so it snowballed into.....why are you getting a text from her, and things like you never do, a,b,c...you need to....you should...

CONSTANTLY for a year I have been belittling him in ways like he OWED me for texting someone (who happens to be a guy pals girlfriend...and he would NEVER break guy code and do something with her, BUT because I am insecure about this chick I took it out on him....

I think he NEEDED to know I was on his case when I shouldn't have been and how flipant and self-righteous I was and without warrant.

I am not going to email him again.

I know better than that.

I feel although lengthy...the email is what needed to be said. I truly did mess up and cause him alot of undue pain.

So for now.....I shall just focus on me and not contact him for a bit. I just don't know if my realization and apology came way too late.

Which is my original question.

Should I totally go into acceptance mode? Or....

I mean NONE of the stuff in the email was in the break up convo...

the break up convo was all about me and my needs and what he "isn't doing"

Of course with me barrading him he obviously wouldn't WANT to spend time with me if all I'm going to do is put him down, you know?

The class is only for 4 weeks and this is week 3. This week and next week we are done and we get our certificate. (homebuyers class)

Should I go or lay low?

[Ilovecake]

""I just can't do it anymore" "There are times when I hate you" "I don't want to even try"

 

Wow you must have done something extremely horrible to have someone say those awful words to you. What did you do, kill his dog and burn his house down?

 

after not invading his privacy in 2 1/2 years I had a stupid "gut" instinct to do so

 

You should always listen to that gut feeling, it's 99% right. It's called your intuition.

 

I did the same thing as you I had a gut feeling, I snooped through his phone, he denied, I apologized, he broke up with me and now is living with the girl he was denying being with.

So far in every relationship I've had that gut feeling always turned out to be right, even though I tried to dismiss it as my paranoia.

Edited April 22, 2010 by Ilovecake