Heartbroken, feel like I'm going nuts, I dont know what to make of things

[undisclosed]

My BF broke up with me at the end of March (after over 3.5 years)because he said he could not see himself marrying me and that he still loved me and I didnt push him away, but he decided he couldint see himself marrying anyone ever. He said it was very difficult saying goodbye and I told him he was welcome to contact me, but I was gonna try my best not to contact him because it still hurt.

So, the first week was HORRIBLE! I FAILED MISERABLY at not contacting him in the first couple days and sadly I didnt hold my composure very well and cried like twice. He proceeded to text me randomly that week and that was not making me feel better, so I decided to meet with him at the end of the week to tell him we should wait on friendship. He agreed, then two days later, I text him to change my mind because I missed him so much, at this point he said he wanted to be friends but we should give it some time to cool off because it was still very hard to talk and it was too soon to hang out because it would be hard for it to not go back to how we were before the breakup. So nxt week, I call him and he is kinda rude, and says he does want to see me, but its still hard and its akward talking to me and we can txt but no everyday. Again! I broke n texted him the nxt week with a comment about something he should get that I thought he would like, but he never texted back. That weekend was my birthday and he didnt wish me a happy birthday ...I was devastated! It was clear that he is really going for no contact and i havent talked to him in like two weeks. It's still sooo hard! I want more than anything to move on and have school to focus on, but he seems to consume my thoughts and I havent had a night where he's not in my dreams or I fall asleep thinking about him or even wake up with him on my mind. During the day, I go from okay and empowered to devastated and manic again! I would like to stop caring already! Does he just not care? Is it actually hard for him or was he trying to let me down easy and why woulding he say happy birthday? If he wanted to see other people then I would have completely agreed because I've been there, but he was sooo adamate about how much he loved me, but said it was the right thing to do to seperate now instead of later because he did not want me resenting him. Its been soooo hard, should I just give him space and contact him in a month or two if the devastating feelings persist, or just wait for him, and have I completely made it so weird that he wil continue to ignore me? BTW im in my early 20s and he will be in his mid 20s this year, I never pressured him on the issue, but He said it was going on four years and he was starting to feel it and didn't see the point in being in a long relationship if you are not marrying that person and He thought that I would want more later (thats why he though it was the right thing to do), but I was happy to just be together now, however he maintained his decision.

[EthanH]

It is so weird writing on here. I almost feel like writing to people's posts is actually a better help for me than getting replies. It is only when you are writing to someone that you can get some perspective on your own situation, almost like you are able to give yourself advice... I seem to be writing the same things over and over on here, eventually I will decide to take my own advice!

 

so, as to your situation:

 

The simple facts are, you need to leave him alone. The only thing you can do at the moment is drive him away. The problem when someone breaks up with you is that you feel, because you care so very much, that to not do something would be almost giving up, that to do something, to try and get some kind of positive change is the obvious thing to do. Doing nothing feels like you just don't care, and clearly you do. However, trying to persuade someone to come back to you is the worst thing you can do; take the best case scenario of this, it is that they will come back... but why?, because you persuaded them...it's not a healthy situation for a relationship... for it to work, you need them to decide off their own back to come back to you. The worst case scenario is that they will move further away. And if you look at the situation, the most likely thing is the latter as they have already decided they don't, for whatever reason, want to be with you, so are already on that road.

 

You have the right to be in a balanced relationship, you have the right to expect equal from him, and the tough facts are, he is his own person, he has made his decision, and you have to stick to that. That doesn't mean he has all the power, he only has that if you allow him to... if you decide you deserve someone who is on the same page as you, go find him, and if your ex realises he wants you back, great, at least you have a decision to make.

 

Honestly, I know you are caught up in the situation... I spent the last few days on these forums arguing that i could persuade my ex to want me back... I really did believe that, but I was living in denial... I can't, if she didn't like me enough to care or have enough drive to want to be with me and make it work, then to be honest, it is her loss. I cannot state how strongly I believe this, I know it hurts, but you just have to accept. Put yourself first. What has he done to deserve you are thinking about him more than you think about yourself when clearly now, all he is thinking about is himself. And the other point is, keep this in mind, what you are doing now, is proving to him, all the texts, all the crying to him, everything, that he was right; that you were way more serious about him than he was about you! In a way, everytime you do something, this is reinforcing his view that he made the right decision...

 

I hope you begin to feel better soon, and usually I hate it when people say that kinda thing on these forums, all the cliches like 'time will heal the pain' used to annoy me so much, but it is true, i don't know how long, and you are going to feel terrible for a while, but eventually, things will pick up. Good luck!

[The Non-Student]

I agree with Ethan. You are torturing yourself, sweetie. I know it hurts, and it sucks, but what you need is to heal and as long as your thoughts are wrapped around him--or what could be--it'll be possible for you to find closure.

 

Don't settle for someone who isn't sure he wants to be with you. You deserve more than that. (And I'm telling myself this, too!)

[undisclosed]

Ethan, Thank you. I agree that since I joined, I've been posting basically the same thing. I guess I basically sat here hoping for an outpour of people telling me I should contact him and try just to have an excuse to do it. But, reading others stories makes you (or forces you) to look at your own relationship in a different light. Yup, we were special, but we were not the exception and as much as it hurts really bad, IT'S OVER. Contacting him will likely reinforce any negative ideas he had about me that made him make that decision. The non-Student, Hang in there! torturing myself is exactly what I've been doing. Settling would have probably made me unhappy in the long run.

[GrayClouds]

undisclosed remember it is only one month. Your feeling a great deal of emotions and many of it seems from a physiological response to traumatic loss such as a unexpected break up. The difficulty sleeping, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, inability to eat, roller coaster of emotions are all being influences by these fight or flight brain chemicals.

 

It usually wains in a couple of months or so. In the mean time the best things you can do is to exercise, for yourself to eat well, talk and write your emotions and give yourself some time.

 

Hang in there.

[undisclosed]

Hi guys, I've really appreciated your advice. Its the beginning of month two and I'm going insane right now! Please read my post about my meeting with my ex & tell me what you think. Right now I really really need the input. Thank you.

[Ilovecake]

he trying to let me down easy and why woulding he say happy birthday?

 

You’re in the beginnings of your grieving process. There is nothing more painful than having to get your head wrapped around losing someone you love and depend on. All of us have been in your boat and we all got through it, you will too. It takes time and a lot of work to get rid of the pain. The first thing you need to do is face reality, he’s gone, it’s over, time to play life without him.

 

He didn't say happy birthday because he can see you are obsessing and he does not want to lead you on. Yes he definitely is trying to let you down easy but you're not making it very easy by constantly bugging him. When someone breaks up with you they are telling you they do not want to be with you so chasing them only solidifies their decision. Every time you contact him you drive him further away, that’s why he’s colder. All the stuff you hear about I love you soooo much I have to let you go is BS. If someone loves you they do not want to let you go. This does not mean he doesn't care about you he just doesn't care about you the way a boyfriend cares about a girlfriend. He probably wants you to be happy and well but isn't pining for you.

 

It’s time to start moving on a doing things that make you happy. Don’t depend on other people for your happiness, especially people who do not want to be there.

[Ilovecake]

Hi guys, I've really appreciated your advice. Its the beginning of month two and I'm going insane right now! Please read my post about my meeting with my ex & tell me what you think. Right now I really really need the input. Thank you.

 

Could you please link to that post? Thanks

[undisclosed]

Here is the link to my meeting with him..

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t230469/

 

thank you!