tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 One of my first--and most intense--crushes in college was on a Middle Eastern man. Ever since then I've had this really strong preference for them, as well as Indian men. Since joining the online dating world late last fall, I've been able to interact with many more of them than I would if I were just looking around campus, since the school I go to isn't that diverse. I was (very) briefly involved with two, and lately I've been talking to an Indian guy I also met online; there are tentative plans to meet. I tend to be infinitely more fascinated by those who emigrated here, say, for college--the accents , the languages, the culture, etc. And that's where the problem may lie: the likelihood that if I become seriously involved with a guy, I may be thrown off later for a woman from his own background to keep up "tradition"--the stereotype of family being above all else and parents being unlikely to approve any woman outside of their own background that I've heard is all too true much of the time. There's also the notion that western women are "easy", little more than a bit of fun until it's time to get serious and settle down. I guess what I'm looking for here is experiences--good, bad, happened to you or someone you know--as well as advice. I know that there are many, many different cultures/ethnicities just within India itself, so if you have some knowledge of a particular one that could be helpful too (the guy I'm talking to is Telugu). I know that there's no way to tell if a guy will take me seriously despite our different backgrounds unless I talk to them openly and honestly, but I'd like to know other people's stories. And if things do end up progressing with this guy I've been talking to, what's the best way to bring something like this up? How should I form the questions? And perhaps just as important, when should I bring it up?
norajane Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Some men will ultimately choose the traditional path, and some won't. I used to live in the Bay Area where there were many Indian transplants due to the tech industry, and those that were here for good were more open to marrying outside of tradition. You bring it up from the start, as you're getting to know him. "Tell me about your family." "How do they feel about you moving away from India?" You may find out without even having to ask that his momma has a girl picked out for him in India already - and he'll either think that's ok, or he'll be dismissive of it. If all of his brothers and cousins married Indian wives and he has no non-Indian friends, and no Indian friends who have married non-Indian women, you likely have a traditional guy on your hands. Also, ask him about his friends. If he has a wide circle of friends of different races, and they mix and date with different races, then you may have a guy who will be open to falling in love and marrying someone who is not Indian. You can also learn a lot from the way his friends react to you when you go out with them. Ultimately, you have to be direct and ask the question. It's a fair question, so I don't think he'd be surprised by it.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) Well, I'm friends with him on Facebook. He's got about 150 friends; I just looked through them and the vast majority are Indian...I know he got his bachelor's and master's degrees in India and he's here for his PhD (he's 27). I know he has an older brother who's married and has a daughter. One of his older profile pictures is of him with his niece and she looks Indian, so it's safe to assume his bro's married to an Indian woman. I guess I really should bring it up with him sooner rather than later, since this guy's different from the ones I met before--they had come here to the U.S. during more formative years (high school, or just starting college). Edited April 22, 2010 by tigressA
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 OTOH, I just noticed that he hasn't logged into his profile for the last 4 days...and we've been talking a lot (for about 8 hours yesterday). Good sign? I guess...
CarrieT Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 OTOH, I just noticed that he hasn't logged into his profile for the last 4 days...and we've been talking a lot (for about 8 hours yesterday). Good sign? I guess... On the other hand, you are SO over-analyzing this... Take a chill-pill and just let it run its course without thinking about it so hard.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 On the other hand, you are SO over-analyzing this... Take a chill-pill and just let it run its course without thinking about it so hard. It was more a fleeting thought than anything else, really...but yeah, it doesn't 'mean' anything.
JustJoe Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Tigress, I had a friend in college, who married an Indian man. They had a daughter and moved back to India. After a couple of years he began to see other Indian women, and abuse my friend both physically and emotionally. She attempted to divorce, but because she was western it was really hard, and also if she left the country, her daughter had to stay with her father. It took years for my friend to get custody of her child. This is not a good idea.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Tigress, I had a friend in college, who married an Indian man. They had a daughter and moved back to India. After a couple of years he began to see other Indian women, and abuse my friend both physically and emotionally. She attempted to divorce, but because she was western it was really hard, and also if she left the country, her daughter had to stay with her father. It took years for my friend to get custody of her child. This is not a good idea. How awful. It's good for your friend that she got out of that situation. I've heard stories similar to this before; the most prevalent stories are of a non-Indian woman being thrown off for an Indian one because the parents/families didn't approve, or other similar reasons. The exceptions seem to be few and far between. I know they're there, though.
JustJoe Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Tigress, I'm an Army Officer and have been to many countries in the Middle-East and Central Asia. These societies are extremely sexist and Paternal. Women have few rights and foreign women have even fewer. I would be very careful about any "relationships ", that you develope with men from this area.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Tigress, I'm an Army Officer and have been to many countries in the Middle-East and Central Asia. These societies are extremely sexist and Paternal. Women have few rights and foreign women have even fewer. I would be very careful about any "relationships ", that you develope with men from this area. What you wrote here made me ponder the irony of this preference. I've always fancied myself an independent, liberated woman. And you're right, the culture these men come from is notoriously sexist and paternal. I can't say definitively that the men I previously involved myself with *weren't* like that *at all*, because the involvement was brief. But from what I did experience, it was easy to be myself with them, and easy to trust them--actually much more so than I've found it to be with non-Indian/Middle Eastern men.
shadowplay Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) JustJoe raises a good point. Keep in mind that it's also hard to judge how sexist a guy is until you REALLY get to know him because they often conceal it well. A good way of judging is how his family views women and how close he is to his family. If a guy is close to his family, his values will usually mirror theirs. The one Indian family I knew well (I was friends with the kids as a kid), the husband was extremely physically abusive and the wife eventually divorced him. But that's just one family... I believe Allina is marrying an Indian guy, and she's white. She might be able to give you more insight. Do you think your attraction to Indian men may be related to people mistaking you for Indian? You mentioned in another thread that people often assume you're Indian even though you're not. Perhaps you identify with Indian people in some way because of this? I'm just curious. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that you may struggle with some identity confusion being biracial (which is natural at a young age), and perhaps identifying with another culture is appealing to you. If your attraction to Indian men is related to identity stuff rather than actual compatibility, you probably are limiting yourself. I could be totally off-base, but thought I"d just throw it out there. Edited April 22, 2010 by shadowplay
Rearden Metal Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 It was more a fleeting thought than anything else, really...but yeah, it doesn't 'mean' anything. No thought is fleeting when you've taken the time to sit and write out a whole post on LS about it. I think your concern is warranted. I'd be concerned, in your shoes.
bananarama1 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 hehe. i been friends w/ a lot of those kinda men and i always notice..they tend to spoil u a lot but they have their ways and most of the time they get their way. so if u are too outspoken and wanna roam free as a bird it might not be that good for you. just try to be in a relationship w/ one and u'll see. even if he was born and raised in the u.s.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Do you think your attraction to Indian men may be related to people mistaking you for Indian? You mentioned in another thread that people often assume you're Indian even though you're not. Perhaps you identify with Indian people in some way because of this? I'm just curious. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that you may struggle with some identity confusion being biracial (which is natural at a young age), and perhaps identifying with another culture is appealing to you. If your attraction to Indian men is related to identity stuff rather than actual compatibility, you probably are limiting yourself. I could be totally off-base, but thought I"d just throw it out there. That's only happened--people confusing me for being Indian--since I started college over 4 years ago, since I was in a whole new area and no one knew me, my family, etc. I just identify as biracial. If people ask me "what I am", I say "Biracial: Black and white." Sometimes I'll go further and include the Italian/Irish. I can understand why you'd throw it out there, though. I have joked every once in awhile about just saying I'm Indian so I won't have to correct people when they make assumptions.
marsle85 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I've done the same thing. I think your preferences change over time. I have had phases where I was super attracted to African Americans, and then I moved on to Middle Eastern... and now I'm all about me some big Irish man who will throw me around like a rugby ball...mmmm:love:
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I've done the same thing. I think your preferences change over time. I have had phases where I was super attracted to African Americans, and then I moved on to Middle Eastern... and now I'm all about me some big Irish man who will throw me around like a rugby ball...mmmm:love: :lmao: Yeah, it's true. My preferences have changed over the years. I used to have a thing for shorter, baby-faced guys...guys with blonde hair...now I absolutely hate blonde hair...
Els Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I don't know. I sure hope some of the men on this board aren't any reflection of what true American men are like, because I'm from an Asian society and I can assure you that most of the men in my society are far less sexist and chauvinistic than those men. 'they tend to spoil u a lot but they have their ways and most of the time they get their way.' This is actually true, though, and you might want to consider that. Also the fact that you will inevitably have to meet their family, and join in their customs and stuff on certain occasions. Many of those are inherently sexist.
Sazerac Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I don't know. I sure hope some of the men on this board aren't any reflection of what true American men are like, because I'm from an Asian society and I can assure you that most of the men in my society are far less sexist and chauvinistic than those men. I wouldn't use people on LS in general as a barometer for the general population's social health. It would be like walking into a treatment ward at a hospital to assess the general health of a community. Most men and women I know are pretty well balanced, happy, and not at all sexist or chauvinistic.
Els Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 That's pretty true. Although, that would stand to reason that you and I both also belong on 'that' side of a community. Pot and kettle and all that.
Author tigressA Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) 'they tend to spoil u a lot but they have their ways and most of the time they get their way.' This is actually true, though, and you might want to consider that. Also the fact that you will inevitably have to meet their family, and join in their customs and stuff on certain occasions. Many of those are inherently sexist. I have found the bolded to be true as well, in my brief involvements. I don't really mind it though. In my experiences so far I've found that I can be completely myself--including my stubbornness and independence in regard to certain things--and it wasn't received negatively. If anything they were drawn to me even more because of it. Perhaps that's just more of a case of the individual, but who knows. Edit: I should've quoted your whole post, Elswyth. I realize I do really agree with you about your assessment of many of the men here on LS. IME the Indian/Middle Eastern men I've been involved with/have met overall have been very polite, charming and romantic. I'm not particularly concerned about things like JustJoe mentioned. What I'm really concerned about is in my initial post: The likelihood that I get involved with one of these men and then once they decide they want to settle down, I'm not the one because I'm not from their background. Edited April 22, 2010 by tigressA
Bejita463 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 now I absolutely hate blonde hair... Why are you sippin' on that Hateorade?
Els Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Edit: I should've quoted your whole post, Elswyth. I realize I do really agree with you about your assessment of many of the men here on LS. IME the Indian/Middle Eastern men I've been involved with/have met overall have been very polite, charming and romantic. I'm not particularly concerned about things like JustJoe mentioned. What I'm really concerned about is in my initial post: The likelihood that I get involved with one of these men and then once they decide they want to settle down, I'm not the one because I'm not from their background. There is a risk of that, I'm afraid. Especially with those more traditional/first-generation ones. But you should be able to get a feel of that pretty early on in the relationship.
alphamale Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I guess what I'm looking for here is experiences--good, bad, happened to you or someone you know--as well as advice. I know that there are many, many different cultures/ethnicities just within India itself, so if you have some knowledge of a particular one that could be helpful too (the guy I'm talking to is Telugu). i'm indian BTW so you can give me a call sometime anyways on to matters at hand. most of these indians guys are looking for one of two things: 1) an american citizen they can marry to stay in the country, or 2) just some fun casual flings until they run back to India and marry the girl their mom picked for them
Author tigressA Posted April 23, 2010 Author Posted April 23, 2010 Why are you sippin' on that Hateorade? Sorry, I just don't like it...'hate' is a strong word, shouldn't have written that. I don't find it attractive, though. Elswyth: I figure it's likely to happen. I guess one thing I'm worried about is being blindsided by it. Like I don't get any hint of that eventually happening, and then I'm totally shocked once it does. Being misled, basically. Is that likely to happen, do you think? Is it likely that I'll be lured into trusting them and then dumped because the family doesn't approve/I don't fit tradition when they knew that all along?
Els Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 I would hope that most of them are honorable enough to let you know (because leading a girl on for fun and then dumping her to 'follow tradition' is totally NOT what tradition is all about!), but even if they don't you can usually guess by how closely they follow their native traditions and customs.
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