Author aroma Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 Since I screwed up the past two months (well it was two months but a two week period) in a row, I understand, but people drone on and on about it and its really rather simple. Now if you wanna talk laundry or dishes, I'm right there with you. What I meant by paying bills is not so much actually paying them, but caring about them. My husband doesn't care; I'm the one making sure that all the bills are correct and paid on time, and that we don't go over our budget. If I were to tell him "honey, you pay all the bills this month", he would have no idea what or when or who or how to pay. I think that's bad.
just_some_guy Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 Uh, how is it a marriage when they don't spend ANY time together, as per her OP? They do spend time together. He just not doing what she wants him to. He's present physically. You didn't answer my question: How long should she put up with this while patiently waiting for him to change? She can leave now if she wants. Like I said, if she wants to go now, the yellow pages are full of lawyers. Should can put up with it until she decides she doesn't want to. That can vary from the day before yesterday to a half dozen decades from now. She obviously doesn't want to leave, because she hasn't left, has she? As for your suggestion, this places the blame on her, and the onus for change on her, and IT CANNOT BE SO. Neither of us know all the details of their relationship. She could be completely nuts, constantly screaming like a 5 year old, "look at me look at me!!!" in which case, hubby is probably a saint for putting up with it so far. In reality, there are probably two sides to the story and some things on her side of this that need attention. There's nothing wrong with individual therapy, yes, and it may help her to figure herself out better and be good for self-development, yadda yadda. But until and unless her man is willing to admit that something is wrong in their relationship and do something about it such as going for MC or trying to work things out WITH her instead of just sitting in front of the TV, nothing she does about herself will change this scenario. Spouses who are withdrawing from a bad relationship don't throw hissy fits about missing an episode of TV. Maybe he is happy with things the way they are? If so, then as far as he is concerned, there's nothing wrong, is there?
just_some_guy Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I kind of wonder about this thread? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t224526/ 30 days ago, she's having kid-decision problems with hubby, this month, he's addicted to TV?
crazycatlady Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 What I meant by paying bills is not so much actually paying them, but caring about them. My husband doesn't care; I'm the one making sure that all the bills are correct and paid on time, and that we don't go over our budget. If I were to tell him "honey, you pay all the bills this month", he would have no idea what or when or who or how to pay. I think that's bad. While I need to show my H how to handle the bills because he should know if something were to happen to me, most couples I know one spouse or the other takes care of the bills. Its not tossed back and forth between them. I am curious though why this is what you highlighed on and not the suggestions I also posted. CCL
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I kind of wonder about this thread? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t224526/ 30 days ago, she's having kid-decision problems with hubby, this month, he's addicted to TV? Ding ding ding, I think we have a winner. In that thread he said he wanted to have more time for 'just the two of them'. It is sounding like he simply wants more time for himself at this point. Could also be a way to avoid any intimacy that might lead to an 'oopsie' pregnancy.
sally4sara Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I kind of wonder about this thread? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t224526/ 30 days ago, she's having kid-decision problems with hubby, this month, he's addicted to TV? So do you think he is using the TV and gaming to avoid sex and making babies with her?
just_some_guy Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I think there's a lot of unnecessary drama somewhere. In the other thread, it looks she wanted a kid, he said put it off for a year. Then she decided in year two that she did not want kids and he is still undecided and that was causing her a problem. Kind of seems like Aroma likes the attention herself pretty much.
lonestar190 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Spending time together comes in so many forms, and looks and feels different to many people. I read that you want to spend time together, but I haven't seen what exactly you want to be doing. Most people dont do a lot in the evenings really. My gf and I live together and we watch tv, I maybe play a few video games, quickly catch up on each other's days, and go to bed. What do you do while he is watching tv? My ex used to sit with her head on my lap and read her book while I watched my sports game. This was spending time together. Have you tried finding any game you might like playing a little once or twice a week? You try to have a nice conversation with him or cuddle (as you stated in the original post). I would say you could easily cuddle with him while he is watching tv, so that should be easy. As far as a conversation goes, most couples dont have deep conversations every day. When living together you are mostly each other's lives. Unless something sparks an intellectual conversation, there is not a great deal to talk about on a daily basis outside of the daily grind. Now, I am not saying the problem is totally yours, it sounds like he may not be working at the relationship, but make sure you are being realistic about things as well. You said earlier: "Last night as always, he expected me to serve him supper in the living room. I said, "is the rice ready?" Of course not. So I asked him to please prepare it (in the rice cooker) b/c I had to go out and buy some groceries missing. He was surprised and a bit upset, but didn't say a word. When I came back from the store, not only had he prepared the rice, but he had washed the dishes that had piled up!" Why do you think he was upset? He didn't say anything and seemed willing to help. Newsflash: quiting watching tv to cook rice is never a first choice. If you expect him to jump up and cook the rice with a huge smile and a "I thought you would never ask" then you will always think he is mad. But instead it sounds like he got up without any resistance, cooked the rice, and washed the dishes. Anything but unhelpful. I don't know, but I bet he does a little morearound the house than you give him credit for. Best advice I ever got for a realtionship was: A relationship is not 50/50 give and take. To make a relationship work you give 70 and take 30 . . . both of you. Almost everyone in a relationship feels they do more for their partner then they recieve. We just dont recognize it.
isthisallthereis Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Since I screwed up the past two months (well it was two months but a two week period) in a row, I understand, but people drone on and on about it and its really rather simple. Now if you wanna talk laundry or dishes, I'm right there with you. When I speak of "paying bills" I use that as shorthand for dealing with all things financial. I make deposits, reconcile the checkbook and all our accounts. I balance what and how much gets paid. I handle all the tax information, paying estimated taxes, dealing with the accountant. I handle the books for our small business (we make a decent living, but don't have enough business to have a bookkeeper/manager). I make decisions about investing, spending etc. The time involved really does add up. I think a conservative estimate would be around 25 hours a month. While not a large amount of time, it is time that I have to spend on our family and business while husband has no commitment for that time. As aroma said, it is also about caring about the issue. I'm the one waking up in the middle of the night worrying about how to make payroll when our largest customer is running behind on their payments. God forbid I turn to my husband and disturb his sleep with this. Husband's way of dealing with me is to say "but it always works out." My reply is "It works out because I make it work out."
isthisallthereis Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 You try to have a nice conversation with him or cuddle (as you stated in the original post). I would say you could easily cuddle with him while he is watching tv, so that should be easy. As far as a conversation goes, most couples dont have deep conversations every day. When living together you are mostly each other's lives. Unless something sparks an intellectual conversation, there is not a great deal to talk about on a daily basis outside of the daily grind. Best advice I ever got for a realtionship was: A relationship is not 50/50 give and take. To make a relationship work you give 70 and take 30 . . . both of you. Almost everyone in a relationship feels they do more for their partner then they recieve. We just dont recognize it. I can only speak to my relationship. My husband despises it when I try to have a conversation with him while he is watching TV. I've attempted to watch TV with him, only to have him change the channel away from what he is watching to some show I have no interest in (and yes, I've told him that). He also will frequently leave the den to go to another room if I stay there. I agree with your statement that most people don't recognize all of the other's contributions, but I know that in our marriage, my husband comes nowhere close to 50% participation, let alone 70%. I am not a drama queen, nor am I controlling. In fact, most people describe me as laid-back. I just want a marriage that is closer to a partnership than a parent-child relationship, which is why I am moving towards separation.
stillafool Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 OP, have you tried playing video games with him? They can be so much fun. Also are there any TV programs the two of you can watch together?
GaLwAyGiRL Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Op, Sorry you are having trouble with your H and his "other wife". I will play video games with my H or my son like once a week IF THAT. and we watch Tv together maybe 3 hours a week when our certain shows are on. The thing is...it is normal for him to want some guy time to himself..everyone deserves that. BUT he is making it a problem. IF you can't find a solution then I suggest MC..The world is so plugged in these days and people are becoming socially lazy because of it...when people start to realize that, things will change.
tnttim Posted April 28, 2010 Posted April 28, 2010 Rock band is great game for families, they have over a 1000 songs you can download. Maybe if you can't beat him, join him.
Author aroma Posted April 28, 2010 Author Posted April 28, 2010 Op, Sorry you are having trouble with your H and his "other wife". hahaha, yes, if my husband could marry the TV, he'd be very happy. Lonestar190, I've cuddled with him as he watches TV, I don't mind, but when his eyes are glued to the TV and all his attention is to the tube, and he doesn't want to chat nor listen nor have any sort of "connection" and only comment about what's on TV, I don't call that cuddling anymore. I call that more like I'm bothering him and I'm being ignored.
lonestar190 Posted May 3, 2010 Posted May 3, 2010 hahaha, yes, if my husband could marry the TV, he'd be very happy. Lonestar190, I've cuddled with him as he watches TV, I don't mind, but when his eyes are glued to the TV and all his attention is to the tube, and he doesn't want to chat nor listen nor have any sort of "connection" and only comment about what's on TV, I don't call that cuddling anymore. I call that more like I'm bothering him and I'm being ignored. Now that's not really fair. Cuddling is a physical thing, but you want more. He is watching tv, of course he is going to keep watching it. You want him to stop watching tv and have a 'connection' and chat and listen to you. No one can do that and watch tv. Here is a question: Do you have good close girlfriends that you talk to often? It really is almost a must in a relationship. He will not be your best friend and not talk to you the way you want to talk because guys are not wired that way. If you don't have good girlfriends to chat with on a regular basis, the void in your relationship is not him. It is also time to be realistic about what you want out of him. Stop using vague terms like "connection' or 'spend time together' because those are the wishful thoughts we all have when we think something is missing. Do you want him to help around the house more? Ask him, be specific. It sounds like he is willing. Do you want to do something specific together? Ask him to do that specific thing. Don't lie on him while he is watching tv and expect him to focus on you instead of the tv show he has been watching. That would annoy me too. You feel like something is missing, but maybe he doesn't. Don't expect that he feels the same way. Talk to him, and be ready with more than "I want to spend more time together."
tnttim Posted May 4, 2010 Posted May 4, 2010 hahaha, yes, if my husband could marry the TV, he'd be very happy. Lonestar190, I've cuddled with him as he watches TV, I don't mind, but when his eyes are glued to the TV and all his attention is to the tube, and he doesn't want to chat nor listen nor have any sort of "connection" and only comment about what's on TV, I don't call that cuddling anymore. I call that more like I'm bothering him and I'm being ignored. Why are you relying on him for your fun and enjoyment. Who wants a friend that just sits around and waits for you to do something, it's boring. fck him and go out and have some fun on your own. If you don't have friends, make some, old friends, call them and go out. It comes down to this: You and only you are responsible for your own emotional well being, and happiness. When you point your finger at your H, your saying I can't be happy without him. That is not a healthy way to live life, and you will find yourself more and more alone as time goes on. Then you will find yourself loathing him for your problems, which you are still currently blaming him for. My key to a healthy M, and a healthy mental life is a balance between 3 things. Me timeUs timeFamily time Any of these get thrown out of balance and you suffer, plain and simple. PS: Don't be surprised when you go out and then come home that your H starts showing interest in you.
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