aroma Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 For a while now I suspect my husband of being bored in our relationship. He goes to work, comes home, plays his video games, watches TV, eats supper (in front of TV), that's it. It's the same thing every single day. As much as I try to have a nice conversation with him, or cuddle, etc, he prefers his TV, computer, and video games. Sometimes I think he knows better (and prefers) the actors on TV. He won't pay attention to me - it's like his living alone, really. Weekends are better, we usually go out and have a good time with friends or family. I tried telling him that his habits are upsetting me, that I would prefer to spend more "quality" time with him, but he doesn't care! I suspect he's not attracted to me anymore, but I don't know what to do... I haven't changed my personality or looks, so I'm baffled as to why he's like this now. I'm afraid he won't change and our marriage will suffer. I've only been married for 3 1/2 years! Is this normal?
angie2443 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 He goes to work, comes home, plays his video games, watches TV, eats supper (in front of TV), that's it. It's the same thing every single day. ? Was he like this before you guys met? Sometimes people change briefly when they're first with someone and then go back to their old ways after the honeymoon period is over. What else does he do for fun?
Author aroma Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 No, he wasn't like this....we've always had an interesting relationship, maybe not the best, but just ok I guess...then about a year ago he bought X-box, then Playstation, and he won't stop now...he doesn't have (and doesn't want) many friends, and doesn't like to go out on week-days. Why I think it's a problem is because whenever I talk to him, like about how my day went or some info he needs to know, he doesn't look at me (his eyes are on TV or computer always) and I even have to repeat myself! Or I can tell I'm "bothering" him...then I get upset and then he gets upset too! IS THIS NORMAL? I mean, c'mon, the guy is 33 for God's sake, not 12...I mean, if I would do this to him - how would HE react? what to do?
BubbleFreak Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Sounds like he is just trying to relax in ways he enjoys after a day at work. Spending time playing games is probably not a reflection of how much he loves you, but I see it has become a problem for you because that is all he ever does on the weekdays. Tell him that you feel neglected and that you would appreciate spending more time together, enjoying each other's company. If he puts in more effort to please you, no doubt you would reciprocate in ways he appreciates too, and you will both be happier.
angie2443 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 The problem isn't you. He sounds hyperfocused on the tv/video games. If he had to do without both for a week, do you think he would become angry or constantly bored? What did he do for fun before he became so hooked on the games/tv? How many hours per day/week does he play or watch tv?
BubbleFreak Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 But if he continues this behaviour, even after you tell him how it is making you feel, I think he is being very selfish. You should be more important that an addiction to an inanimate object.
Author aroma Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 The problem isn't you. He sounds hyperfocused on the tv/video games. If he had to do without both for a week, do you think he would become angry or constantly bored? What did he do for fun before he became so hooked on the games/tv? How many hours per day/week does he play or watch tv? Yes, he would definitely freak out if I were to take away his TV/video games! The other day he missed an episode of his show, and the next day he was like a madman trying to get it on the Internet! One of his shows finishes at 11 PM, and as much as I tell him that it's too late and I need to sleep, he doesn't care, he HAS to watch it! Before the obsession, he was more on the Internet, but nothing major, just normal habits, he still made time for our marriage!! How many hours a week? How about every single hour he has free
angie2443 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 If he can't break this habit on his own, and he it's very likely he can't, then he needs to see a doc to find out why he's so hooked on the games/tv. This addiction will destroy your marriage if it doesn't end. What was it that he did in his spare time before you met him? Was it just the internet?
Author aroma Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 But if he continues this behaviour, even after you tell him how it is making you feel, I think he is being very selfish. You should be more important that an addiction to an inanimate object. Exactly! That's what I think too....to me, there's nothing more important than HIM. I would never choose an object over him. Besides, I don't have any bad habits, honestly. I never owned a TV before I met him, and I love reading, talking, listen to music, etc....even then, only for short periods of time and I make sure it doesn't affect my marriage.
Author aroma Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Please, I need to know how to break his habits, gently without freaking him out or else it will get worse...what would you do in my situation? I don't want to get doctors/therapists involved, just need some ideas (beside getting upset)
angie2443 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 You can talk to him respectfully and tell him that the games/tv are causing a problem in your marriage. You can tell him that you need more time with him. Make suggestions on the things you can do together. See how he responds. I'd give it a couple of weeks for there to be some sort of possitive change. If that doesn't happen, you have to ask yourself just how many hoops you want to jump through before you acknowledge he has a big problem.
crazycatlady Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 My husband is just as plugged in sometimes. I join him and play games with him, watch tv with him. Sometimes its computer time, so I play the same games as him to share it with him. When you want to talk to him, you need to do it at a time he isn't busy. Before he gets into the games or the tv. What about the weekend? Some people just are not readers. And nothing you do will change it. At 33 its likely he grew up with video games, I know my H did and they are very much a part of his life. I enjoy them, but reading is a greater passion for me. But because I want to spend time with him, I also learned to play more video games. And I really enjoy it. Sometimes we will find a game that I get addicted to, and then its my turn to hog the tv for a little while until I either finish the game or get bored. It does him good to have the turnabout. I suggest a dvr for the tv. This way you can pick up the remote and hit pause and make him talk to you. Also if he records his shows, and then watches them the next day, he won't be up as late and saves a lot of time with no commercials.
SouthernSunshine Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 (edited) He sounds like a regular guy to me. My guy's second wife is the computer. If he's not on it in his office, or laptop.. he's surfing on his phone. He also loves to watch TV. When I try talking to him while he's watching TV, he gets irritated with me. That's just who he is, and I love him. When I have something important to talk about, he listens, but when I wanna just gossip, he tunes me out. Good luck to you! Edited April 22, 2010 by SouthernSunshine
D-Lish Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Besides, I don't have any bad habits... Sure you do, you aren't perfect. Keep that in mind as you try and work through this. If you go into solving this believing it's all his fault, you're at a disadvantage trying to solve it. As someone else mentioned, it sounds like he needs to unwind after work, but he's taking it too far, and he's taking you for granted in the process. Try greeting him with a back rub in your lingerie once he gets settled;). If he can't respond to that, there is something seriously wrong.
Author aroma Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Thank you all for your replies, it helps me to see different opinions on this. The reason why I think it's a problem is like someone said, it's exaggerated. When he started with his games, more than a year ago, with his x-box, it was about 3-5 times a week, and he definitely made time for other stuff. He would stop the game if something else came up and he wasn't as passionate about it. Then a few months ago he bought Playstation, to upgrade, and I didn't mind b/c I didn't think his habit would become worse. Had I known it would be this bad, I would have said something. To me there's reason to be alarmed when I talk to him (not just gossip, but things he needs to know) and he doesn't even LOOK at me. Sometimes I have to repeat twice what I say b/c he didn't hear me the first time. Once he had to travel overseas and a few hours before the flight instead of packing like anyone else would do, he was watching his favorite show on the Internet b/c he had missed it on TV! I asked him if he didn't have to pack instead? His answer, can you do it for me please? He was even willing to PAY for getting all the shows from the Internet but I mostly said NO (our money is very tight and he knows this). I think he just lost interest in our marriage and it has become boring to him. True, we're not the most exciting couple there is, but our marriage was very ok and normal before he started these habits. I guess somewhere along the way he got bored with me and I didn't even notice. I don't think he's attracted to me anymore, can't explain it any other way. Like I said, I've tried telling him that it upsets me that he's ALWAYS watching TV or playing games, but he just doesn't seem to care because he doesn't do anything about it. Like no consideration for my feelings whatsoever. Up until recently I had never complained about his habits, so he might think I'm not serious. Like c'mon! If it were the other way around, would he be happy? No one likes to be ignored and taken for granted in a marriage, and if you are, then there's a problem for sure. sorry for my rambling.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 He's escaping, and fixating on the method. If you guys were to unplug everything - no TV, no games, no computer, nada - what would you do? Literally, I mean. If he is escaping like this - then apparently he sees something to escape from. What things would the two of you do outside of TV/computer/consoles that would provide him the same level of fun and stimulation and make you feel like you are actually with him? Maybe you and he could talk about that. Don't focus on the fact that you are hurting. All that will do is make him defensive and angry. Ask him what the two of you could do together that would provide the same level of entertainment for him. If he says 'nothing' then you may want to start looking at separating. He's clearly checked out of your marriage if that is the case.
Lizzie60 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 How about this.. when he's plugged on his TV stuff.. you should take a shower... put on perfume.. dress sexy... and tell him that you also need 'diversion' and you're going out.. maybe that will do it.. If not.. then he won't change.. he's just not interested anymore.. he wants to live like roomates... with benefits ... sometimes.
xxoo Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I don't think this is normal guy behavior at all. Tv and video games to this extreme (ignoring your partner, all free hours) is not healthy for him or for the relationship. I'd have a conversation focusing on health and balance. How many hours does he feel he needs for downtime? How many hours do you need and get? How much time do you each want/need together as a couple (focused on each other)? Maybe you just need one hour a day after work, and you could negotiate that to happen before any tv or gaming. Maybe you could game with him, or do other activities that help him relax together. But still--he shouldn't need this much "downtime" at the end of the day. It isn't healthy, and it doesn't bode well for if/when you have kids (do you have kids? planning to?). Addictive gaming behavior can get WORSE with babies and kids, because the needy kids give the addict more reason to "check out" at home. And there is little more infuriating than a "partner" who stares at a screen and ignores the kids while you do all the parenting.
isthisallthereis Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 My advice: run away. At 3 1/2 years into my marriage, I was writing what you are about my husband. He wasn't into games, he was into sports on TV, but that was to the exclusion of everything else. He became angry if I interrupted his TV. He told me often that he was not going to be treated like he was doing something wrong when he was watching TV in "his" den, while I was doing all the housework, etc. I put up with it because I didn't want to be divorced; I didn't want our daughter to grow up in a single parent home; I thought he would change. So here I am married almost 21 years to a man who is addicted to the TV and to the internet. When we go on vacation, he monopolizes the TV, and goes miles to find either a business center or public library where he can go online. We went to the beach for a week last summer. He never put his foot in the sand, or went out of the house except to go surf the net. I've raised my daughter almost completely by myself; I've kept the family going while he has done nothing; I've made sure bills were paid, house cleaned, etc. I've suffered through family emergencies, including the death of my brother at 46, all by myself, without his support. We've talked numerous times about his withdrawal from the family. He does better for a day or two, but then it is gone. Instead of looking at divorce when I am 33 and my daughter a toddler, I'm looking at it at 48 with a 17 year old. There is never a good time to divorce but I think that is what I am facing.
SoConfusledandHurt Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 How about this.. when he's plugged on his TV stuff.. you should take a shower... put on perfume.. dress sexy... and tell him that you also need 'diversion' and you're going out.. maybe that will do it.. If not.. then he won't change.. he's just not interested anymore.. he wants to live like roomates... with benefits ... sometimes. I totally agree with Lizzie here... If you have talked to him about this and he doesnt seem to care to change...then you have to change. I did this to my fiance once when he wasnt appreciating me and it only took once for me to go out dressed sexy (leaving him to his tv) for him to pay more attention to me. I was telling him about where I went when I got home (to a small neighborhood bar that we both know) and he couldnt stand it, he had to have me right then and there. So girl, write your hubby a letter about how lonely you feel and that you suspect he is bored in your marriage and would like to figure something out...if he doesnt respond...GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Write him notes and put them on the tv for important things and then talk on the phone all the time. All over the house, lol, make sure he hears you in the background laughing and talking...but dont tell him about the convo's or who they are with...it will drive him crazy and if it doesnt...something is really wrong with him!
angie2443 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 He's escaping, and fixating on the method. . It is very possible that he is escaping from boredom. Games and tv provide instant gratification that a person can't compete with. It is very possible that when you first got together that the newness of the relation provided him with the stimulation that the games/tv are now providing. When that newness faded, he hooked onto the something that could keep him stimulated. Aroma, please, what did he do with his spare time before you met? Did he game (or fixate on something else) a lot when he was a kid? A teen? I think answering these questions might help shed light on this problem.
MarriedTex Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Every time you talk time about this, I guarantee it sounds like "nagging" to him. Right or not, he sees the video time as his "reward" for a full day's work. You may not see it that way, but this is how it has evolved. Remeber, this is an addiction. It's not rational. When you try to talk to him, you begin to be categorized as a nuisance that keeps him from enjoying his well-earned "reward." My suggestion would be to jump his bones everytime he logged onto the video stuff. Tease him with a partial unsolicited BJ and then invite him into the bedroom (and away from the PlayStation) to finish up. After hooking up, suggest an alternative joint activity (taking a walk, going to the park, whatever) that you can do before he re-engages in PlayStation. You essentially have to find a way to wean him off the perceived pleasure that he gets from video games. Fortunatly, you have the equipment for the job!
Laurencia Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 Wow, aroma, your problem sounds so much like mine. Except my husband is addicted to chatting online. I'm so sorry for you to have to go through that, I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could give you some advice, though.
Author aroma Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 Aroma, please, what did he do with his spare time before you met? Did he game (or fixate on something else) a lot when he was a kid? A teen? I think answering these questions might help shed light on this problem. Actually, he grew up NOT having any kind of video games or TV. He grew up in a farm up until about 25. Then he moved to the city and we met. The x-box he got over a year ago was his first "game" ever. His addiction grew slowly, first 2-3 times a week, now all the time! Like "isthisallthereis", I take care of the bills, house cleaning, cooking, etc because dear husband is plugged all the time! I think the main problem is that I let it become an addiction to him, I never really complained until a few weeks ago. I just think it's not normal for a married man to be plugged all the time at the expense of everything else. If he lived alone and was single, I understand. His behavior wouldn't affect anyone, not directly anyway. And like MarriedTex said, he uses his video games/TV as his "reward" after a hard day at work, beer and all. He even sings by heart some of the tv commercials. Once I told him we were invited to a friend's birthday party, and he replied "oh no! I'm going to miss my show. Can't we go later (after the show's finishes)?" He looked genuinely sad. We went anyways, of course. Maybe I have part of the blame in his addiction for not saying anything until now and not seeing the problem until now.
Els Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 The problem with all the advice about 'sexy diversions' is that it will work... that one time. Then what are you going to do tomorrow? And the day after? Sexy diversions everyday? Besides being impractical, and the fact that you shouldn't need to have to dress sexy and give your man a massage whenever you want him to give you a few minutes away from the TV, chances are that he'll see through it (that you're just doing it at that particular time to try and get his attention away from the addiction) and not respond to it anymore after a while. OP, I wish I could help you, but I don't know. IME, nobody except the addicted person can do anything about an addiction, because they see everything else as 'the enemy' if it tries to get between them and it. Not in the literal sense, but at that moment of time, they do. All you can really do is talk to him about it and pray he'll see the light, I guess.
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