PianoGirl Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 I’m in love with my male best friend. We’ve known each other for a while and we flirt and have it all. We have tons of inside jokes, and tease each other. We smile at each other all the time. We share everything with one another. I know things about him that he would never tell anyone else, and I have told him all mine. We talk every day and text all the time and hangout about 4x a week We never kissed or anything, I think its because we were scared to take that step. We always joked about how we should just get married but that was about it. Now he has a girlfriend, she’s a great girl. I can see why he likes her. It broke my heart when he told me about her the first time, but instead of breaking down I placed a smile on my face and told him I was happy for him. I know it makes him happy that I approve of her. They have only been going out for around a month but the other day he told me he thinks he’s going to fall in love for her. We still flirted a bit up until he told me this. It was MY idea to stop the flirting and he agreed and now we are trying to back off each other. I know he cares for me but he doesn’t know I’m in love with him…I was working up the will power to tell him and then he told me about her. So here is my issue. I love him so I’m going to place a fake smile on my face and tell him to go for it. (I am happy for him, I really am. At the same time it kills me to do so) But it hurts more and more every time he speaks about her. Yesterday I saw them kiss and later that night I cried myself to sleep. It hurts too much to see them together and to hear him talk about her. So I was thinking about trying to end our friendship…In a slow manner like, Not call him so much and not answer his calls or texts. Stop hanging out with him. I cant tell him I love him, I will NOT put him in that position! But the pain it causes me to see them together is too much, what should I do….
EthanH Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 you know what...you have something really amazing here... a best friend, and so you are close to him... but why ruin that because you cannot see him with someone else. I could understand if you had hooked up with him or not. But to cut him off, all you are doing is losing out. If he knew you were doing that because you wanted to be with him, I'm sure he would be devastated, but it certainly won't make him change his mind and will probably ruin the main strength of your friendship. Whenever you get a strong friendship between a guy and a girl and either side jumps the gun and thinks it is something more, it is as good as over as far as I'm concerned. He will wonder (as should you) if you were hanging out with him because you saw him as something more. Guys and girls can be great friends, I don't believe the stuff written which says it always leads to sex. You need to remember that no matter what you do, even if you don't say another word to him, he is going to be with this girl. Not only are you losing a friend, you are hurting someone you claim you care about. Go and get yourself a boyfriend (you are going to have to do that no matter what)... and even if you think your friend is hot, keep him as a friend...and maybe, just maybe, who knows what will happen in the future, but I would say, see him as a friend first and foremost, always.
Tamia78 Posted April 21, 2010 Posted April 21, 2010 First of all, I commend you for being very un-selfish, and not placing your best friend in the position to have to choose between both this girl and yourself. Unfortunately, you lost out because you didn't tell him soon enough, and I think you are dealing with it wonderfully. As Ethan said, don't back off. If you guys are truly best friends, then act like it. You know he's going to have relationship problems in the future, so you'd better be prepared to help him through the difficult times, as a best friend should. Friends before lovers, always. --T
Author PianoGirl Posted April 22, 2010 Author Posted April 22, 2010 I understand that still being friends with him is important, but for me it's too painful to watch at times but believe I do a good job at covering it up. But, how do I act around him. I know that I will not tell him, so how do I act around him
pgummins Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 First of all, I commend you for being very un-selfish, and not placing your best friend in the position to have to choose between both this girl and yourself. Unfortunately, you lost out because you didn't tell him soon enough, and I think you are dealing with it wonderfully. As Ethan said, don't back off. If you guys are truly best friends, then act like it. You know he's going to have relationship problems in the future, so you'd better be prepared to help him through the difficult times, as a best friend should. Friends before lovers, always. --T I totally disagree. The OP will be hanging around for months/years, still wanting and hoping for something. How can you expect her to help this guy through his relationship problems if shes fell in love with him? Are you mad, why go through that pain?
EthanH Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 I think you are looking for an answer which ends with "and you will live happily ever after'... you just have to accept he is your friend. Think about it this way. At the moment, he is with another girl. Think about what you are asking, how should you act, what do you think the answer is to that? Act 'normal'... flirt with him, cut him off? Why are you acting with him? You should just accept that he is a friend, and if you treat him any differently, things are going to end badly. Don't don't don't get into the friend who I now know likes me category, he will 'humour' it, then he will spend less time with you, then he will get annoyed. Act how you want (he has probably picked up on some of the things which suggest you like him, even before you realised), but the fact is, it isn't going to change the fact that for the time being at least, you aren't going to be with him.
Eeyore79 Posted April 22, 2010 Posted April 22, 2010 If he was into you, he probably would have gone for it by now. There are two possibilities: 1)He likes you but was always scared to admit it, maybe he thinks you don't like him, so he has started dating someone else 2)He doesn't like you, hence why he has never hit on you. If I were you, I'd probably admit my attraction to him and say you want to cool off the friendship a bit because he's dating someone. This has three effects: 1)It lets him know you are interested - if he's interested he'll let you know, and if he's not then he'll let you know. Either way you know where you stand. 2)It gives him a chance to miss you. At present, he gets to keep your friendship without having a relationship - if you back off a bit he might start to miss you and realise he wants more. If he doesn't miss you, he's probably not into you and you had no chance anyway. 3)It gives you a chance to get over him, and gives you some space so his new gf isn't being rubbed in your face the whole time.
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